Bob Saget quotes:

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

I become a chameleon for wherever I am.

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

I really love making people laugh.

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

I will always prefer a hardback book, but I'm drawn to digital because it's so easy to acquire them when I'm having a need-to-read moment.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

Everyone I love I pay.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

I have no agenda, nothing to control.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that Ive had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitzs play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

Valuable people are undervalued.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

When you have a good time there is no time.

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.

Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.