Bob Monkhouse quotes:

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I got my start in silent radio.

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.