Bob Hope quotes:

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

Your ignorance cramps my conversation

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me." And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They're even some guys wearing them. Don't laugh, if you had thought to of that, you'd not be here now.

Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only troulbe is that when I win, I always have to engage and attorney before I can draw the money.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America.

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!

I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Lots of travel, away from home.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.

Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.

Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers...

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?