Billy Crystal quotes:

Despite what The Wall Street Journal says, our awards are the best-kept secret in America, with the possible exception of what George W. Bush did in the '70s.

The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday.

You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they're raising them. You can't push your way into areas where you shouldn't be saying anything. You have to always remember they're not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death - then hand them back.

Great news! Hosting Oscars counts five hours toward my community service!

I'm a baby. I sleep like a baby - I'm up every two hours. And I think a lot. I worry a lot. I have great nights of no sleep where ideas come.

I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.

My dad, Jack, had a great sense of humour and had a strong impact on me and my humour.

I don't like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

Change is such hard work.

My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love.

I'd like to think there is a Heaven, and it starts from the happiest day in your life.

Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.

I've always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety. That's why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it's how we connect, it reminds us we're alive, it's the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.

I quit drinking. That was a big problem for a lot of years. Then after that, I just started feeling grateful again.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

What's so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you're constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that.

Kids need a happy household. They need to be loved and supported in their dreams. And I don't think you can make your kids' dreams your own. They need you to support them in their dreams.

I'm going to go on just living and laughing and loving.

In my standup work, I always do these characters, older people who are just off to the side. It's easier to write a story about the guy who made it to the top, but the middle is so much more interesting, so much more murky.

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

I'm a sucker for a free tuxedo.

Humans love sex, we need sex, it's how we connect, it reminds us we're alive, it's the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.

That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.

Consider the rose...The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place

Bambi, to a kid, was scary.

I'm going to be your grandpa! / I have the biggest smile. / I've been waiting to meet you for such a long, long while.

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

I was a film-directing major at NYU. I'm still not sure why I became a directing major, when I was really an actor and a comedian, but there was something that drew me to doing that.

A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.

This time I particularly loved because it came from a real experience with my grandchildren. Having them alone alone for the first time for six or seven days and going "Wow, this is exhausting," because when you're not around little ones for a long time, you forget about how much work that is. So I came in and started writing the story that became this movie ['PARENTAL GUIDANCE'].

At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are.

When we had the girls, my daughter Jenny gave us like a Bible from my daughter of, "Don't feed them this; don't feed them that, if she says this, don't say that," It was crazy!

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries.

I always came away thinking "I'd like to see her more," you know? And then when [Parental Guidance] was ready to be cast, we thought - Bette [Midler]. So we called her.

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.

Since I was a kid, every Thanksgiving growing up in New York, we always watched 'The March of the Wooden Soldiers' by Laurel and Hardy. Never miss it.

As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.

Those are all real things that I experienced, not with [my daughters] growing up but with the, you know - I'm trying not to step into something and get a call, "Dad why'd you say that?"! But we'd go to games [where score wasn't kept], and I'd get it, but I wouldn't get it, because I think there's a real value in winners and losers, in not everybody getting a trophy - it makes you work hard, you appreciate what it takes, to say, "Why didn't we win?" You shouldn't be condemned for losing.

Gentlemen, start your egos.

It's money. I remember it from when I was single

Dad had a music store, and he'd often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.

I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl.

I think when I feel I'm at my best is when I'm on stage, and it's my version of jazz because it's just riffing or something.

I didn't rebel as a child. I missed that angry teenager thing.

When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable.

At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.

I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.

I'm married - I've caught my limit.

Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?

When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, What's he doing hitting the government?

The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world.

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.

When comedy is good, it's jazz. The beats of it, the looseness, the improvisational part, the music-the way you hit the inflection, the high notes of a joke. It's all melody to me.

If you do something for the first time, you will always remember it. If your Dad has something to do with it, you write about it.

You give up your dream, you give up.

My grandparents invented joylessness. They were not fun. I've already had more fun with my grandchildren than my grandparents ever had with me.

It is better to look good than to feel good.

I think I've far exceeded what I ever thought I could possibly do. I'm almost shocked that I'm still around after all of these years . . . and always grateful that I get another turn to do something.

My mind is always going. I'm always thinking what I need to do, what I haven't done, what I did do, what I didn't do as well as I could - I'm relentless that way with myself.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

Don't give up your power.

[My mother] is the greatest hero I'll ever know because she kept us all together, she made sure we all graduated college. She always believed in us no matter what we do. My older brother Joel became an art teacher; my brother Rip ultimately became a television producer and singer and actor himself.

I have 40-something intros [that Davis Jr. did]; all are different, none of them happened. And it was hilarious.

The house as I say ... smelled of brisket and bourbon, so you could hear that. I started imitating them. Phrases came out of that, "Can't you dig that?" "I knew that you would." We were at [Passover] Seders and they were confused with the bitter herbs, "Do we smoke these or do we do we dip them in salt water?" "We dip them in salt water, well that's gonna kill the vibrancy of the weed, you know." So that's what I was around. So I would imitate them. That's where it all started.

[I did impressions] of relatives because I heard so many different sounds. My dad was in the music business and of course my uncle was a giant [music producer], but my dad in particular had the house filled with these Dixieland jazz stars.

I never stopped believing in us and I never felt like I was wanting for anything, except for my father, and that was not going to be. I describe in the book [that] I don't think I ever felt young again in that way. I never felt I had my 15, 16, 17 kind of years the way I maybe should have. It's a huge dent in you that it's hard to knock out and make it all smooth again.

Every time I was with Sammy [Davis Jr.] it was like going to the show business museum because the stories were so extraordinary, and I didn't care if they were true or not after a while. ... I don't know if he really got high with Humphrey Bogart or not. It didn't matter because he was painting these fantastic pictures.

We were in front of a live audience and I would be acting with the man who was playing my lover, and we used those words, and the audience would titter and laugh, and make me uncomfortable doing the scenes. ... I wanted to sort of stop and yell at them, "What's so funny? What's the matter with you people? Grow up!" It made me very self-conscious at times.

I love doing it [hosting the Oscars] because I love the danger of it and you have to come through and think on your feet. That's why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.

I was introducing [director and producer] Hal Roach - Mr. Roach was 100 years old, he was one of the fathers of early days in films, he put Laurel with Hardy, he created the Our Gang kids, and all these silent movies he did - he was a giant.

I was always drawn to performing, but I never thought I could. I have no idea what I wanted to do outside of the old cowboy-or-fireman. When I was in college, I got serious about acting. I started examining history and then everything related to the theater. History, art, all the other studies, if I could link them into the theater, then it became alive for me. It just opened up my eyes.

There's only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

I always was a performer, from the time I was little. It was always a natural place for me to be.