Billy Connolly quotes:

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

Braveheart is pure Australian shiteWilliam Wallace was a spy, a thief, a blackmailer - a c**t basically. And people are swallowing it. It's part of a new Scottish racism, which I loath - this thing that everything horrible is English. It's conducted by the great unread and the conceited w***ers at the SNP, those dreary little pr**ks in Parliament who rely on bigotry for support

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days..

If you give people a chance, they shine.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

Iâ??m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.

Never trust people who've only got one book.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?

A fart is just your arse applauding.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

I've come in and out of America for... well, I've lived here for 15 years. And I've played here for nearly 30 years. On and off. But I've always played to my fan base. And I can come and do two or three nights in New York or two or three nights in L.A., and all that. But when I go away, nobody knows I've been gone. You know, I don't get reviewed or anything like that. So that's why I've come back and done a longer time in a smaller place, in New York. It's always the people who live here that get a chance to know me.

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.

I don't aim to offend.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Don't work out, work in.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

The more you know the less the better.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.