Bill Hicks quotes:

  • Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

  • People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

  • Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

  • I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

  • If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

  • If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.

  • I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

  • The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

  • Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to.

  • How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt...

  • People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

  • Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

  • Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?

  • I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

  • The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.

  • In Australia...they celebrate Easter the telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night

  • I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

  • People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

  • I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

  • There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

  • I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

  • Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

  • Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

  • I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

  • As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

  • When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

  • It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

  • Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

  • We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

  • Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

  • It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.

  • Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

  • What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy...

  • To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference.

  • You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

  • Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

  • You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?

  • I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, I did it! Hey!

  • I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

  • It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

  • Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.

  • Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

  • Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

  • I' enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

  • I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?

  • Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

  • I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

  • Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.

  • Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.

  • People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime - who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'

  • The waitress comes over to me like, 'What'chu readin' for?' I had never been asked that. Not 'What am I reading?' but 'What am I reading for?' Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a... waffle waitress.

  • Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like... every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

  • Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.

  • All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'

  • I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.

  • I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.

  • This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.

  • Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.

  • Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.'...Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say 'lung cancer.'

  • an evolved being who deals solely with the source of all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.

  • I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

  • rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all.

  • I am a misanthropic humanist... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.

  • I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

  • What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!.

  • Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

  • I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

  • You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.

  • You know all the money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense every year? Trillions of dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world,which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, not one, we could, as one race, explore outer space together in peace forever

  • We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

  • Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.

  • It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.

  • It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom.

  • I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

  • Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

  • I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

  • I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

  • By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.

  • I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

  • They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

  • The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

  • I want my rockstars dead.

  • Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

  • Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

  • Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-f-king-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?

  • I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?

  • I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

  • And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

  • But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.

  • The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.

  • I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside gently lead us out of our own self-created hells...

  • How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

  • I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

  • We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

  • I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

  • It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

  • If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.

  • People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?

  • It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay?

  • Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.

  • It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

  • How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand...considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!

  • I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

  • Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive.

  • I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.

  • I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

  • You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict.

  • All governments are lying cocksuckers.

  • I think it's interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to look at a cross?

  • And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans."

  • All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real.

  • There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue--those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS--but they remain strangely silent...

  • It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

  • The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

  • I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'

  • I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

  • Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.