Bauvard quotes:

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or department store after her husband starts coming home drunk.

Spending one's last moments prostrated before the toilet is the supreme act of repentance. It allows one to relieve a heavy inner burden."

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink.

Being upright and uncompromising will lead to unemployment by themselves. But to be willfully ignorant of a calling in life as well, that is the denial of a born alcoholic.

The brotherhood of man is the only fraternity that's proud to rush anyone, but most never get past the hazing stage."

When you sigh for selfish reasons, 'O' turns into 'I' - and love becomed evil. It also becomes irresistible."

Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

Mothers do not have love affairs. Before their children they have dreams, and after their children they have delusions. If the father is involved somewhere, they have fantasies.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

A madman imitates nature, but a wise man draws a metaphor from it.

With sin comes fatigue. With repentance comes temptation. With beatification comes ugliness."

It's commonplace to nitpick on minor faults. But it's exceptional to correct them through enlargement.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note