Andy Rooney quotes:

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?". She doesn't care what you think.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.

My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.

In Washington, a confidential assistant is someone who, if you don't want to know something, you go and ask him and he won't tell you.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.

Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way.

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless boobs who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

I hate to say it, but I had a great time in World War II.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

Why am I an atheist? I ask you: Why is anybody not an atheist? Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated. I resent anyone pushing their religion on me. I don't push my atheism on anybody else. Live and let live. Not many people practice that when it comes to religion.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

People like to say, Youre only as old as you feel,but it isnt true. Its just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You're as old as you are

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

Love is more pleasant once you get out of your twenties. It doesn't hurt all the time.

We aren't consistent in our treatment of animals.

We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.

The best thing about a vacation is planning it.

Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Most of us believe everyone has a right to his own opinion - as long as it agrees with ours.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Being kind is more important than being right.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.

Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.

I've learned ... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.