Amy Sedaris quotes:

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  • I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school.

  • Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny pair of shoes in the hallway or lean small wooden crutches in what I refer to as 'the baby's room,' which is actually a tiny space where I make things. I continue to call it the baby's room because it confuses people and it's creepy.

  • You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air.

  • When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yourself.' It's like chocolate-chip cookies. People buy the cookie-dough roll and slice it, and then they lay it on a cookie sheet. That's not making chocolate-chip cookies.

  • Well I went to New Orleans to cover the jazz festival for Trio, it's this new arts channel, it's really great.

  • More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They don't like to see an ugly lady.

  • I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination.

  • I am an aging Girl Scout.

  • My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

  • I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff raff is around. Then I get that last-minute surge of energy. But if I had two weeks to plan, sometimes I wish I wasn't doing it. But very seldom does that happen.

  • I love cop shows and crime books and thrillers, and before I die I'm gonna play a cop.

  • David and Dad didn't get along too well growing up. I mean we all got along, but it was harder on David, because David wasn't going to be the son that Dad wanted. But now they're like best friends.

  • I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But because I'm such a homebody, it's important to be surrounded by things I love.

  • I like to just make things... If I have the TV on, I'm not just going to sit there. I want to do something with my hands; I've always got a project. Or I get a small group of people over, and I say, 'Let's make these things today.'

  • I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to make things. I don't break that down to be weakness, or the only things women can do, or putting me back 20 years.

  • But I love how people who are musical, they know how to dress.

  • We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.

  • I failed first grade, which is my biggest problem. You always feel like a failure, like you're stupid.

  • Books are challenging and inspirational to me.

  • Don't make anybody a homemade gift. Unless you're really good, or it's going to be really practical. If it's a little thing you think is cute 'cause you made it, just forget it.

  • A lot of times girls think they're funny, but they want to pretty at the same time, and if you want to be funny, you have to be willing to get ugly.

  • I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, including a rubber turkey, which, during the holidays, I wrap in tinfoil so it appears to have just come out of the oven.

  • People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.

  • I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to them.

  • I can't imagine going to an all-girls school. I went to a public school.

  • My kitchen's pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it's eye level - it's true! - and my phone, so I can reach it when I fall, it's right there.

  • If I'm creating something for myself, then I want to have fun.

  • I'm not a first-place person.

  • Whenever I do your show, sometimes I get a little check in the mail and then I take that check and buy a new pair of shoes, and then I wear those shoes the next time I do your show.

  • I have a couple freeloader friends, but it's okay. I know they're gonna come in with their arms flying in the air empty-handed.

  • If I know I have to memorize lines, I'm really gonna try to memorize lines. It's hard for me sometimes, because somebody wrote these words and you're trying really hard to get them the way they said it.

  • I always find something to keep me busy.

  • My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea market.

  • I live in the moment.

  • I like people who would rather something be discovered than shoved in your face.

  • On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris

  • Crafting is putting ideas into action and then holding them together with an inexpensive adhesive.

  • I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

  • I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.

  • I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of someone, a waitress, being responsible for my evening. I like seconds, and more, and lots of conversation, and I've always hated the idea that in a restaurant an evening just ends. I find that incredibly depressing.

  • It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

  • I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.

  • I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt.

  • A lot of crafters, they're shut-ins.

  • Some crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.

  • When I meet a new person, something has to be a little off for me to consider them beautiful. It could be crooked teeth, or veins in their skin that are a little too visible, or a really dramatic lazy eye. The first guy I ever kissed had a water head.

  • I've always been drawn to people with problems. Not just physical problems, but mental problems too. Like depressed people or killers, all that stuff.

  • I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.

  • Gay guys know how to craft, and they craft really well. Straight guys, forget it.

  • Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.

  • My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and hes really good.

  • although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.

  • I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got along with everybody, and I usually got along with the people that people didn't like.

  • When you hear someone use the word 'meds' instead of the word 'medicine,' chances are they're no stranger to massive doses of mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Back out of the room slowly.

  • I've been to some funerals where there's a lot of laughing - it's about celebrating their new journey. I can't think of anything. There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.

  • I'd rather have a part where you walk into a room and you leave. That's perfect for me.

  • Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

  • I'd just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.

  • Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

  • Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

  • I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someone's yard on the way home from school, I would go to the end of the block and turn.

  • I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.

  • My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.

  • I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there.

  • Usually I'm the one asking somebody to do something because I don't know how to finish it. I'm like, 'Do this for me' because I'm just resistant to learning.

  • If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I always feel like there's something around me protecting me.

  • I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.

  • But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.

  • I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.

  • I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them sometimes. I walk into the kitchen with my wand, and I come out with something on a platter and I say, 'See, magic happens.' Works every time.

  • Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.

  • Gift-wrap the framed artwork on your walls and rehang them - what's nicer than a wall of presents to look at?

  • I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be' this person, you know? So then its like, if I'm really this person, how can I be in the moment if I know there's just one line I'm supposed to say? It doesn't feel natural. I always just kind of want to say whatever comes up.

  • My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.

  • I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's going to get edited. I think that comes from being in a large family, so you have to get your story in really quick or someone cuts you off.

  • I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it because you needed it.

  • I have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from the '50s is really nice, hollowed out paper-mache food from old plays - the new stuff just looks too good.

  • They just expected it to you know... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wanted to, but I kind of liked the way it was more of a cult thing and those that liked it, liked it, you know what I mean?

  • I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be entertained. I like to be around entertaining people. Even if they're bored, and you're in a convalescent home, there's something entertaining about that, in a way.

  • I feel confident writing on my feet with improv, but it's different when you're sitting down and writing it out.

  • People that know me know that I cook. I cook every night.

  • I feel so free and open to ideas, and I get inspired by everything.

  • I'm not ambitious when it comes to my acting career. I'm not breaking down my agency's doors or sending out headshots. Even when I'm offered work, I always want small parts. When it comes to things that other people have written, I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm terrible at memorizing a script and reading lines. I get confused and I don't understand and it just looks fake to me. It's more difficult for me to be creative that way.

  • I love depressing movies and depressing books.

  • I've never played anyone who didn't like themselves. I don't care if they're unattractive, but it's important that they think of themselves as attractive. And I guess that's part of their charm.

  • As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably.

  • I swear I want to be a food model.

  • Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

  • Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants.

  • That's why I love improvisational theater so much - you do it [scene] once and then it's done. You don't get bogged down with a lot of preplanning and repetition. If I do something and it gets a laugh, I don't want to do it again. Why bother? I'm just repeating myself. It's boring.

  • Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.

  • I need a costume to be convinced that I'm somebody else. Otherwise, it's just me. It's just Amy saying lines. I haven't really become somebody else. And what's the fun in that?

  • I like to be around entertaining people. Even if they're bored, and you're in a convalescent home, there's something entertaining about that, in a way.

  • I listen. I like to give advice. Mostly, Ill just try to listen to my friends, and theyll say the same thing over and over again.

  • I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

  • The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.

  • I've never done heroin or slept with people for money or anything.

  • Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

  • I like dramas and stuff. That's what I watch, but it seems weird that I'd be in it.

  • Iâ??ve named everything that Iâ??ve ever owned. Real or inanimate, I have to give it a first and last name. Everything in my apartment comes alive at night.

  • It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high.

  • I stayed in New York City for the first time, I'd always wanted to do that.

  • You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use your imagination to come up with stuff.

  • You just can't enjoy any of the movie when you're in it.

  • Learn more about yourself! Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.

  • I like it when people who aren't so attractive, or they have a whole lot of hurdles to get over, I like it when they dress up and they look presentable. That, to me, just touches me.

  • My characters always like themselves.

  • All my muscles are in my face. I have a very muscular face. I'm good with faces. I always have been.

  • I don't really consider myself to be a comedian. I mean, it's not like I'm sitting around writing jokes or anything. I just like dressing up and pretending to be other people.

  • I'm more of a clown, a tragic clown. Yeah. I just like humor to come out of characters.

  • I like to play unattractive people who think they're pretty. You can do what you want, but I prefer to look interesting.

  • I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be entertained.

  • If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, 'Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we're all listening.

  • If you cannot come to the party, do not cancel at the last minute or give a message to a child to inform the host. And don't bother explaining why you can't attend because anything after 'because' is bullshit.

  • If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.

  • Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.

  • I like to be the one in charge of everything.

  • Crafting, or 'making things,' has always been a delightful pastime of mine because it requires putting common elements together in order to achieve a lovely something that nobody needs.

  • I just like to have the ideas. Other people can help see them through.

  • There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables.

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