Allan Sherman quotes:

Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.

You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can't love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can't hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes.

Even if Scrabble had been invented then, I wouldn't have wanted to play Scrabble, because the highest triple word score in the world would not have expressed how much I liked the game Natalie and I played every afternoon.

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

Grandma cheated whenever she could. She cheated because it was a much more scientific and surer way of winning than trusting to luck.

They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, Way up tall, There's a land where they've never heard of cholesterol.

I had moved out of the Edison Hotel because I couldn't pay the bill and was living at the Lincoln Hotel, where I couldn't pay the bill either, but it was cheaper.

The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it.

A committee is a group of individuals who all put in a perfectly good color, and it comes out gray.

Success is like winning the sweepstakes or getting killed in an automobile crash. It always happens to somebody else.

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents.

I was having trouble making ends meet, and my beginnings weren't meeting either.

Do not make a stingy sandwich; pile the cold cuts high; so you should see salami coming through the rye.

In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world.

I didn't decide I was crazy until 1952. That's when I began making a steady salary and could afford to be crazy.

The head coach don't want no sissies, so he reads to us from something called Ulysses.

Temples also take into consideration an ability to pay and, in a general sense, do not turn people away if there's a need,.

Teacher, teacher, I declare, I see your purple underwear.

There's Beatles books and T-shirts and rings, and one thing and another. To buy my daughter all these things, I had to sell her brother.

A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray."

It's a play where something went wrong, 'Cause it's five hours, twelve minutes long. If you sit there, my friend, From beginning 'til end, Then your bladder better be strong!

Our act started at the bottom and went downhill.

I have always lived beyond my means. I am still trying to live beyond my means, but it is getting harder all the time. I am very rich."

The whole city gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell, "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl--everything.

Anyone who calls it "sexual intercourse" can't possibly be interested in actually doing it. You might as well announce you're ready for lunch by proclaiming, "I'd like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting."

Love is lovelier the 7th time around.

You may be wondering why I went from over there to over here. Well, that was choreography.