Adam Carolla quotes:

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I'd never hurt another person.

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

My first car was a motorcycle.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you're kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there's more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it's like you're literally inside of your fans.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

I am not a good cue card reader.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.

I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Donâ??t do your best, do my best.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

I get depressed at airports.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

I don't know anything about computers.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

I know everything because I know nothing.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.