Austin Millbarge Quotes in Spies Like Us (1985)

[Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound]

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?

Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It's a dickfer.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?

Austin Millbarge: To pee with.

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

[Imhaus exits]

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

[Marston exits]

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!

[Boyer exits]

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

[Hadley exits]

Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors!

Captain Hefling: [Talking about an encrypted transmission from the Chinese] That was a static-filled, triple-scrambled microwave transmission between 2 soldiers talking in mandarin Chinese.

Austin Millbarge: The Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically grouped 20-square-digit key transposed in boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this...

[Holds up a kid's cipher disk]

Captain Hefling: A drogan's decoder wheel? They put these into cereal boxes for kids.

Austin Millbarge: Yeah, I found it in a box of "lucky charms".

Captain Hefling: Break it down again with the machines!

Austin Millbarge: I already did.

[Shows him the decoded message]

Captain Hefling: Well... Then clean up your desk!

[Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume]

Austin Millbarge: We need a plan.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead.

[Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors]

Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's too late to try and impress them.

[Arguing surgical techniques]

Austin Millbarge: We mock what we don't understand.

Austin Millbarge: [Listening to faint music] It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays

Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?

Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?

Austin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?

Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.

Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!

Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?

Austin Millbarge: [Nods triumphantly]

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What did she say?

Austin Millbarge: She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Tell her so do we.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [catches a live grenade] Hey! What's this?

Austin Millbarge: You don't want it!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [stands up and casually throws the grenade back]

Col. Rhumbus: It is my job to evaluate your character types.

[looking at his clipboard]

Col. Rhumbus: I have finished my evaluations.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What does it say?

Austin Millbarge: [glancing at the clipboard] Pussys.

Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.

Austin Millbarge: They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're on our side! WE'RE AMERICANS!

Austin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.

Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!

[Fitz-Hume smashes terminal]

Emmett Fitz-Hume: It's broken.

Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.

[Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal]

Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.

Austin Millbarge: [while rescuing Fitz-Hume] You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Feet!

Austin Millbarge: Hat!