Austin Quotes in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

Austin: Who sent you?

Mustafa: You have to kill me.

Austin: Who sent you?

Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!

Austin: Who sent you?

Mustafa: Dr. Evil.

Felicity Shagwell: [Surprised] That was easy.

Austin: That was easy.

Felicity Shagwell: Why did you tell us?

Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: Damn, three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa: [spits] I spit at that question.

Austin: Do I really have to ask you two more times?

Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.

Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me!

Felicity Shagwell: Ah ha! You have to answer. He asked you three times.

Mustafa: No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Austin: He's right.

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin: I can guess, baby.

Ivana: We play chess.

Austin: I guessed wrong.

Austin: I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! Oh behave!

[Driving on an English road]

Austin: You know what's remarkable? Is how much England looks in no way like Southern California.

Dr Evil: Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, or save your girlfriend.

Felicity Shagwell: Austin!

Past Austin: Felicity!

Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!

Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love, baby!

Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?

Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.

Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!

Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.

Past Austin: We are sexy!

Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!

Dr Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!

Felicity Shagwell: Austin Powers, I presume.

Austin: Powers by name, powers by reputation.

Felicity Shagwell: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.

Austin: Oh, be-have.

Felicity Shagwell: Not if I can help it.

Austin: [referring to Felicity sleeping with Fat Bastard] Well, how could you do it?

Felicity Shagwell: I was just doing my job.

Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?

Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.

Austin: You shut your mouth, you bastard,

[pause]

Austin: who is fat.

[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]

Austin: Cor! This coffee smells like shit!

Basil: It is shit, Austin.

Austin: Oh, good. Then it's not just me.

[Drinks]

Austin: [Smacks lips] It's a bit nutty.

Dr. Evil: [deep voice] Austin, I'm your father.

Austin: Really?

Dr. Evil: No, not really. I can't back that up.

Austin: Right. Idiot. Yes.

[massaging Felicity]

Austin: How does that feel, baby?

Felicity Shagwell: Mmm, lower.

Austin: [deep voice] How does that feel, baby?

Ivana: My name is Ivana, Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: Come again?

Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: Well I vana toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards now is it?

Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumeably, I could go back and visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to.

[goes cross-eyed]

Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.

Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.

[to camera]

Basil: That goes for you all, too.

Austin: Yes.

Felicity Shagwell: I want to see what happens in the 70s and 80s.

Austin: The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything, believe me. I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.

Vanessa Kensington: Do you smoke after sex?

Austin: I don't know, baby, I never looked.

Austin: [the guard has just fallen in molten lava] What a burn.

[laughs]

Austin: That sort of thing could get a man fired.

[laughs]

Austin: I think he was hot for you.

[laughs]

Felicity Shagwell: That's enough.

Austin: Yeah.

Rebecca Romijn: Austin Powers, I've heard a lot about you. I'm Rebecca Romijn. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Austin: Well, of course you haven't had the pleasure, Rebecca. We just met, baby, yeah.

Austin: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Robin Swallows: Tell me, Mr. Powers. Do you swing?

Austin: Are you kidding, baby? I put the "grrrr" in swinger, baby! Yeah!

Ivana: When did you get "The Clapper"?

Austin: November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.

Felicity Shagwell: So Austin, tell me about the future.

Austin: Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by damn dirty apes.

Felicity Shagwell: Oh my God!

Robin Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows.

Austin: Swallows - that's an interesting name.

Robin Swallows: Maiden name's Spitz.

Austin: Which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?

Austin: Hello, Mommy. Can I have some chocolates? I want some Mars Bars. Don't smack my bottom, Mommy.

Felicity Shagwell: Austin?

Austin: Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Austin: I've lost my mojo.

Felicity Shagwell: Oh, so that's why you.

Austin: Yes! Yes!

Felicity Shagwell: [smiles] I thought you didn't like me!

Austin: Oh no, baby. You're very shagadelic. I just didn't want to fall in love again, and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo. It's not you. You're fab, you're switched on, you're a bit of alright! YES!

Austin: Let me ask you a question. And be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?

Ivana: [gets up from the table] No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so

[pause]

Ivana: sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry!

[Austin rips his shirt open]

Ivana: Oh, you are hairy like animal!

Austin: Grr, baby! Very grr!

Ivana: Make love to me, monkey man!

Austin: [shooting photos] OK, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger! You're Tony the Tiger! You're grrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. We go left. We go right. There's a predator out of the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! That's right, you're a lemur. That's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting. Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong. And look. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy. And I'm spent.

[gives away a camera]

Austin: [Answering a call after the Vanessa fembot explodes] Hello Basil.

Basil: Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?

Austin: It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.

Basil: Yes. We knew all along, sadly.

[Then, without pausing for a moment]

Basil: Anyway, I have a new assignment for you.

Austin: Yes, Yes, Yes! NO NO!

[repeated line after photography sessions]

Austin: And I'm spent.

Austin: [about to have a threesome with Felicity and his past self] Paging Dr. Freud!

Austin: Me spuds are boiling.

[Checking to make sure his groin is intact after surviving an explosion]

Austin: Oh thank God.

[while fighting, Austin's glasses get knocked off and Mini-Me brings them to him]

Austin: No more! I can't take it anymore. Oh. You brought me my glasses. Bless your little heart.

[Mini-Me suddenly gets pissed off and gives him the finger]

Austin: That's not right.

Vanessa Kensington: I'm gonna get us some more champagne jungle boy

[glitches]

Vanessa Kensington: I'm gonna get us some more champagne jungle boy

Austin: [confused] Are you alright?

Vanessa Kensington: I've never felt better Austin

[crushes bottle]

Austin: Huh? I'm just gonna watch a movie

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin: I can guess, baby.

Ivana: We play chess.

Austin: I guessed wrong.

Austin: [groans in disgust after Fat Bastard farts] Oh God.

Austin: Alright, you've got two choices, do you wanna talk?

Thug: What's my other choice, asshole?

Austin: To shut up.

Austin: I'm what you call a realist - the only real thing is me.

Austin: Imagine a machine feeling compassion for humans.

Austin: [about Max] He hasn't said a word all his life, and now he won't shut up!

Austin: [Getting chased by the cops] Gus! I don't want to be a juvenile delinquent!

Austin: What dogs?

Maddy: [Reluctantly] Rottweilers.

Maddy: [to Austin] Vicious killing dogs!

Austin: [Trying to train the rottweiler by speaking in German to it] Ouch fart!

Dog Expert: [Imitates buzzer] EEEHHH! Wrong answer!

[Turns the dog lose]

Maddy: Do you really think we could get the money?

Austin: Of course. I mean, Maddy's like, the best climber in the whole state.

Gus: And Austin's like some freak-of-nature computer genius.

Maddy: And Gus is...

[Gus sticks a light in his mouth and burps. They all laugh]

Maddy: Gus is disgusting!

Gus: [Maddy is doing something dangerous] Austin, maybe she'd listen to you.

Austin: That would be a first.

Gus: [the rottweilers have cornered them] You got this, Austin?

Austin: [a beat] RUN!

[They all take off]

Gus: 'Run'? That's all you had for us is 'run'?

Austin: [about to jump on Austin's cart] On three! One... two...

[Jumps]

Gus: What happened to 'three'?

Austin: Yes, I kill. I'm aware of the situation and I'm sorry. But in cases like this it's easy for me to act with cold-blooded detachment because I just can't stand people that peep where they shouldn't be peeping. So shut up and let me use your blood!

Jake: What about her?

[indicating hunchback girl walking by]

Austin: So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.

Jake: OK.

[indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]

Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment...

Austin: Any girl with a guitar is hot.

Albino Folk Singer: [continues singing] I need sunscreen...

Austin: Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.

Jake: OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?

[indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]

Austin: So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.

Reggie Ray: Yeah, I'd do 'em.

Austin: I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.

[Janie Briggs walks by]

Austin: Well, bombs away!

Jake: No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janie Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!

Malik: Damn! That shit's whack!

Austin: [to Jake] All I said was, "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear, so Jake here thinks that I'm telling you a big secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals... a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."

Austin: All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."

Jake: Where's Janey?

Austin: Little Ms. Run Home To Her Daddy, ran home to her daddy.

Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?

Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.

Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.

Austin: Jake Wyler. So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!

Jake: What do you want Austin?

Austin: A life.

[pause]

Austin: And payback.

Jake: C'mon man, don't do this.

Austin: No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P...

Austin: Looks like you've got a thing for butt-ugly girls, Mr. I've Got A Thing For Butt-Ugly Girls!

Austin: Let's make like a tree and... branch!

Jake: Man, go away!

Austin: No, I think I'll stick around, maybe tell Janie a little s-e-c-r-a... p.

Austin: My Freshmen year I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year I ran in 14 myself... with a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum, and a sub dermal hematoma.

Austin: Sam! Okay, I know you think that I'm just some...

Sam: Coward? Phony?

Austin: Okay, just listen.

Sam: No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you that I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was, but I'm not anymore. And the thing is, I really don't care what people think about me... because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for.

David: Heads up! Yo, five minutes.

Austin: I'm coming!

Sam: I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.

[walks away]

Austin: SAM!

[punches locker]

Sam: Austin? What are you doing?

Austin: Something I should have done a long time ago.

[he kisses her, it starts to rain, they both look up]

Austin: Sorry I waited for the rain.

Sam: It's okay.

Austin: You need a wax.

Sam: Excuse me?

Austin: [laughs] I meant the car.

Austin: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sam: I'll let you know.

Sam: I'm late.

Austin: For what?

Sam: Reality.

Austin: I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone... Then I think of you.

Austin: [after Brianna and Gabriella both tell him that they're his mystery girl] Ladies, ladies, I can settle this, all right? The girl that I met at the dance, she dropped something on her way out. What was it?

Gabriella: Oh that's easy! A wallet!

Austin: No.

Gabriella: I mean a... wallet-purse.

Austin: [succinctly] No.

Brianna: Oh, a fish!

Sam: Don't you know who I am?

Austin: Of course I do. You're Princeton Girl. You're the girl I've been waiting to meet. I know exactly who you are! What's your name?

[Austin sees Sam leaving; as he rushes towards her, he is confronted by his dad]

Austin's Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, what are you doing?

Austin: I'm outta here.

Austin's Dad: What! You're throwing away your dream!

Austin: No, Dad. I'm throwing away yours.

Austin: [to Ryan] It's your game now, go get them.

Austin: Shelby, we really need to talk... privately.

Shelby: Anything you say to me, you can say in front of my peeps.

Austin: Okay. I want to break up.

David: [Austin is sticking ads everywhere to find his Cinderella] Dude, why are you going through all this trouble for one chick?

Austin: Look, she's not just some chick, all right? She was real.

Ryan: Real. Like, she still had her old nose?

Austin: No, real. The kind of girl who has more on her mind than what she wears, or how much weight she wants to lose. She listens to me, you know?

David: Listens yo you? Hey, brother, I listen to you, okay? I feel your pa...

[gets distracted by a girl passing by, then talks to the girl]

David: ...Hello, kitty!

Austin: Yeah, you're a great listener.

David: Well...

Ryan: Look, man, you found her cellphone. You just gotta get some clue from that.

Austin: The phone's locked. All I keep getting's these text messages like, "I need you", and "Come see me now."

David: Oh dude, it's so hot.

Austin: See, that's what I thought. Until I got one that said, "Come fix fryer".

David: Oh, dude, that's hot AND kinky, baby! You know what I'm saying? Can I get one? Let me get a pound, baby.

Austin: [looks at David disapprovingly]

Austin: You're not a guy, right? 'Cause if you are I'll kick your butt.

Sam: [chuckles] I am not a guy.

Austin: What up, guys?

David: What up.

Ryan: Sorry about your costume you lost, Austin.

Austin: It's all good, my friends.

David: No, it's not all good, bro. Now we don't get to be the Three Musketeers. You get to be Prince Charming, and we're the two wimps in wigs.

Austin: [laughs]

Austin: This is Ant.

Antwone "Ant" Swann: [extends hand] Sup?

Marcus: [extends fist for pound] Germs. Cleanliness is next godliness, right?

Antwone "Ant" Swann: Aight.

Marcus: Back up.

Austin: [after getting a bloody nose in Sarah's class] Good Lord! It's a gusher!

Lucy: Wait, is this some kind of, like, a mercy fuck? I mean, is that what this...?

Austin: Yes, it is, and I am begging you, please have mercy on me.

Austin: I fucking... LOVE it.

Ross: I don't know how I feel about it.

Austin: That's because you think with your head too much, man. Use your cock and balls like the rest of us.

Austin: I don't write homos... anymore.

[the all-white group wonders which among them might be willing to venture beyond his own ethnicity]

Austin: Yeah. Sure, why not? I'll bite the bullet.

Parker: Well, that's certainly kind of you. "Bite the bullet?" We're trying to be as politically correct and considerate as possible in this project.

Austin: I've always wanted to bang an Asian chick.

Austin: Nothing is more attractive than a girl who can't walk good.

Parker: Or a guy who can't speak well.

Ross: She had a lot of air upstairs.

Austin: Yeah, I don't even think she'll know what's goin' on.

Justin: Exactly - and she seems like the type of girl who would let me throw a piece of bologna at her base ass.

Chase Lockwood: My balona has a first name.

Austin: I'd say it's normal for a man your age to fantasize about shacking up with a younger woman, late teens and all, and I'd say it's normal for any man to wish his job could simply vanish. These are healthy fantasies, yours are just out of control.

Brody: And it occured to me tonight that somehow I managed to write soemthing; that somehow my mind - my brain - it created this detective, this book, this story... and it had something in its pages that I didn't have in me.

Austin: And what's that?

Brody: Faith.