Augusten Burroughs Quotes in Running with Scissors (2006)

Augusten Burroughs: [to Natalie, trying to get her to confess her problems] TELL ME! SO I DON'T FEEL SO ALONE!

Dr. Finch: Well, the only loophole or way I could see me getting you out of school for any considerable length of time would be for you... to commit suicide.

Augusten Burroughs: You want me to kill myself?

Dr. Finch: Well, if you tried to kill yourself, I could explain to the schoolboard that you were psychologically unfit to attend, and that you needed intensive treatment. It would a staged suicide attempt. Of course, your poor mother would have to find you and drive you the hospital, where you would stay for three weeks or a month for observation.

Augusten Burroughs: I don't know. It doesn't...

Dr. Finch: Augusten. Where is your spirit of adventure?

Deirdre Burroughs: I disapprove of your choices.

Augusten Burroughs: I haven't had a choice!

Deirdre Burroughs: You did when you wrote this, didn't you?

Augusten Burroughs: You read my journal?

Deirdre Burroughs: Don't try and compete with me, Augusten. If you move back in with me, I won't allow it. You'll only get hurt. When I become a very famous woman, they'll write that I had a son who was a writer too, who doesn't compare to my brilliance. I want more for you than that.

Augusten Burroughs: Did you mix your pills again?

Agnes Finch: Natalie is not coming. I told her I'd deal with it.

Augusten Burroughs: Don't try to stop me, Agnes. I'm going. I'm going to miss you.

Agnes Finch: I'll miss you, too. You're a... the best son a mom could ever want. You need to know that.

[She hands him a small box filled with money]

Augusten Burroughs: Oh, my God. Agnes, there's - there's a lot of money here.

Agnes Finch: A penny here, a dime there. It adds up. The Doctor doesn't know I have it, of course. No one does. You know, this morning, the IRS came again. And I almost gave it to them. Then I though, "No. For once in my life, I'm going to invest wisely." When you write a book, you send me a copy. Goodbye, my sweet boy.

Augusten Burroughs: Agnes. What're you gonna do now?

Agnes Finch: I don't know. Maybe I'll take down the Christmas tree.

[from trailer]

Dr. Finch: [taking out some pills] Would you like some of these?

Augusten Burroughs: What are they?

Dr. Finch: I just got some samples in the mail, so I don't know.

Augusten Burroughs: I'm gay, too.

Neil Bookman: Holy Mary, Mother Of God. So that's what this is about. You're gay?

Augusten Burroughs: Yeah. I thought Natalie had told you.

Neil Bookman: Small world, right? You and me. Crazy. Smoke? Here, let me light you. Want a ride home?

Augusten Burroughs: Please.

Neil Bookman: I won't go fast. Maybe.

[Cut to Augusten and Neil in bed]

Augusten Burroughs: What just happened?

Neil Bookman: You think you're gay, right? That's what gay men do. Just wanted you to know what you're in for. Want a beer? Smoke?

Augusten Burroughs: No.

Augusten Burroughs: Who's Terrence Maxwell, Natalie?

Natalie: I've never heard of him.

Augusten Burroughs: Tell me who he is. Tell me who he is.

Natalie: Shut up.

Augusten Burroughs: It kills you, doesn't it?

Natalie: Shut up.

Augusten Burroughs: Let it out!

Natalie: Shut up!

Augusten Burroughs: Tell me who he is, Natalie!

Natalie: Shut up!

Augusten Burroughs: Tell me so I don't feel so alone!

Natalie: HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I EVER LOVED AND HE DOESN'T WANT ME ANYMORE! DO YOU FEEL BETTER?

Augusten Burroughs: A little bit. How'd you meet him?

Natalie: Terrence started seeing my dad after his mom died. She left him everything. He was 41 when I was 13. He told me I was pretty. And he made me believe it. One day, he broke my collar bone, and I had to hitch-hike to the emergency room, and I passed out on the side of the road, and somebody found me. My dad told him that he'd press charges and that he'd go to jail unless he donated money to my college fund. Then he did. $75, 000.

Augusten Burroughs: That's so great. So if you'd just apply...

Natalie: My dad spent it. Every penny. So that the IRS wouldn't take this house. So... I do know what it's like, Augusten... to love somebody who doesn't deserve it. 'Cause they're all you have. God, I hate my life.

Augusten Burroughs: I hate this kitchen. I need high ceilings.

Natalie: Me too.

Augusten Burroughs: Let's get rid of it then. Let's take down the ceiling.

Augusten Burroughs: According to Hope, Freud died of kitty leukemia. According to me, Freud died of being trapped in a laundry basket for four days without food or water.

Augusten Burroughs: I want to be punished for having sex with a 35-year-old schizophrenic!

[from trailer]

Natalie: Are you ready?

Augusten Burroughs: For what?

Natalie: To play "Doctor."

Augusten Burroughs: According to Hope, Freud died of kitty Leukemia. According to me, Freud died of being trapped in a laundry basket for four days without food or water.

Neil Bookman: You OK with what happened?

Augusten Burroughs: Yeah. Sure. Well, thanks for everything.

Neil Bookman: Thank you. Thank YOU for everything.

Dr. Finch: Well, the only loophole or way I could see me getting you out of school for any considerable length of time would be for you... to commit suicide.

Augusten Burroughs: You want me to kill myself?

Dr. Finch: Well, if you tried to kill yourself, I could explain to the schoolboard that you were psychologically unfit to attend, and that you needed intensive treatment. It would be a staged suicide attempt. Of course, your poor mother would have to find you and drive you to the hospital, where you would stay for three weeks or a month for observation.

Augusten Burroughs: I don't know. It doesn't...

Dr. Finch: Augusten. Where is your spirit of adventure?

Augusten Burroughs: I'm gay.

Natalie: Big deal.

Augusten Burroughs: Agnes, what are you going to do now?

Agnes Finch: Maybe I'll take down the Christmas tree.

Natalie: You know what, Augusten? I'm not gonna throw you a pity party. So fucking just get over yourself.

Augusten Burroughs: FUCK you, Natalie. You don't know what it's like to be sent away.

Natalie: You're right, I don't.

Augusten Burroughs: And you don't know what it's like to have a boyfriend that's just USING you.

Natalie: Lucky me.

Augusten Burroughs: [v.o] I want rules... and boundaries... because... what I've learned is that... without them... all life is... is a series of surprises.