Asif Quotes in Postal (2007)

[first lines]

Asif: Congratulations, Nabi. We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.

Nabi: Praise Allah.

Asif: Praise him! Soon, we will be greeted by Allah, the one true god... and by the cheers of our Four Fathers... and by ninety-nine perfect virgins who will worship us... for ALL eternity!

Nabi: [pause] I thought it was one hundred.

Asif: What's that?

Nabi: One hundred virgins. They promised me one hundred.

Asif: Ninety-nine, one hundred. What's the difference?

Nabi: If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another, maybe they don't know for sure.

Asif: Maybe... maybe the exact number of virgins is not precise.

Nabi: I mean, if it's in the nineties, I can live with that.

Asif: Or seventy-five.

Nabi: And hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's ten?

Asif: [pause] Well...

Nabi: What if it's ten, but we had to split them between us?

Asif: [smiles] Then you'd have five more virgins than you have right now, right?

Nabi: [serious] We're talking about ETERNITY here! How long will five virgins last you? Maybe a month? But they're not going to be virgins for long, right?

Asif: [pause] Look, would it make it feel better if we called the big guy?

Nabi: Yes.

Asif: Take this, then.

[Nabi grabs hold of the steering wheel as Asif calls Osama]

Asif: It's ringing... Osama, yes, it's Asif... No, we're on it... eh, it's fine, but security, it takes forever, you know.

[chuckles]

Asif: What are you going to do? Anyway, look, Nabi has a question. Will you talk to him?

Nabi: [Quietly] No! You talk to him!

[sighs and grabs the phone]

Nabi: Hello! Yes... uh, it's about the virgins... really? It was one hundred when I signed up!

[groans, then to Asif]

Nabi: He says not that many anymore! Too many martyrs and not enough virgins to go around!

Asif: You've got to be kidding! Does he know where we are here? Give me the phone!

[Nabi hands over phone]

Asif: Osama, Asif. Right now, can you tell me the number, absolutely, you can guarantee, Nabi and myself, as far as virgins are concerned?

[pause; gets a shocked look]

Asif: No, that's fine.

[hangs up; to Nabi]

Asif: We can't get anymore than twenty!

[Both are disappointed; long pause as the passengers are briefly heard banging on the cockpit door]

Asif: Screw this, right?

Nabi: I'm glad you said it first!

Asif: Okay, get on the intercom and tell them, "Passengers, we are changing course for the Bahamas!"

Nabi: [Screaming with joy] BAHAMAS!

[Suddenly, the passengers break in and overwhelm Asif and Nabi]

Nabi: [We then see a window washer on the World Trade Center as the plane comes crashing into the building and the window washer]

[Title Card; POSTAL]