Artie Quotes in Shrek the Third (2007)

Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!

[Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]

Artie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!

[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]

Artie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!

[a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]

Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-

[the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]

Merlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.

Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]

[weeping like a troubled teen]

Artie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!

Merlin: Come on, take it easy!

Artie: No! I don't think you understand!

[collapses at Merlin's feet]

Artie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people

Shrek: Oh, have a heart, old man

Artie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?

[collapses and sobs inaudibly]

Merlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things

Artie: [stands up and clears his throat]

[to Shrek]

Artie: Piece of cake.

Merlin: [meditating] I'm a buzzing bee... buzz, buzz, buzz...

Artie: Mr. Merlin? They...

[gestures to Shrek and crew, but stops short]

Artie: ... *we* really need your help. Do you think you can use your magic to transport us to...

Merlin: [interrupting] Sorry, kid, I don't do that stuff anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic there is!

Artie: You know, Shrek, you're all right. You just need to do a little less yelling, and use more soap.

Shrek: Thanks, Artie.

Artie: The soap is because you stink. Really bad.

Shrek: Yeah, I got that.

Artie: And so, people, I hope you enjoy your stay in prison, while I rule the free world, baby!

Shrek: All right, don't overdo it.

Artie: I'm building my city, people, on rock 'n' roll!

Shrek: You just overdid it.

Artie: Please don't eat me.

Crowd: Eat him! Eat him!...

Shrek: I'm not going to eat him.

Crowd: [Disappointed] Aww!

Artie: If there's something you want to do, or someone you really want to be, then the only one standing in your way... is you.

Rumplestiltskin: Me?

Guard #1: Get him, lads!

Artie: Did you say you were looking for Arthur?

Puss in Boots: That information is on a need to know basis.

Donkey: It's top secret. Hushity-hush.

Shrek: [to Artie shortly after they crash the boat] We're headed back to Far Far Away whether you like it or not! And you're gonna be a father!

Artie: [Sounding confused] What?

Donkey: [to Shrek] You just said father!

Shrek: [to Artie] I said... king, you're gonna be king!

Artie: [Imitating Shrek] You're gonna be king!

[Reverts back to his normal voice]

Artie: Yeah, right!

Artie: I don't care if you drove through a mountain in Texas. This is New Jersey, and when you play my... when you play my joint, you're just another act. I want some music out'a you characters!

Reno: You want it, Artie? You got it.

Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?

Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?

Jen: High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.

Hal: What's that supposed to mean?

Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking.

Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

Jen: Hal, we all know you're as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks.

Artie: If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately... before you hurt the poor girl.

Eddie: Just because you're Jewish, doesn't mean you're fuckin' Freud.

Artie: Just because you're whatever the fuck you are, doesn't mean you're whatever the fuck you think you are.

Artie: He's got this thing.

Phil: It's a vibrator I carry around with me.

Mickey: You carry a vibrator around with you?

Phil: Yeah. As a form of come-on. So the girls can see I'm up for anything right away. Sometimes as a sort of, uh, mood-setter I turn it on. But, uh, today there was, uh, extenuating circumstances.

Artie: You forgot about the weights.

Phil: Yeah.

Artie: He forgot about the weights.

Mickey: You forgot about the weights?

Phil: Yeah. Forgot about the weights. Unbelievable.

Mickey: Unbelievable! You forgot about the weights?

Eddie: Do you know what he's talking about?

Mickey: No, I have no idea what he's talking about.

Phil: You prick, you disgust me.

Artie: [Holding a baby girl] Damn.

Phil: What happened?

Artie: Well, she's a... She's a broad already, Phil. She's done everything that every other broad done. She had a dump on me.

Suzie: What if I divorce you?

Artie: Artie, that's the only decision I'll leave up to you.

Artie: I'm gonna hang up before I catch that new kind of AIDS, hearing AIDS, the kind you get from listening to assholes.

Artie: You know how to keep a dog from humping your leg? Pick up the dog and suck his dick.

Artie: [approaching Bonnabel in a bar] Lieutenant, what are you working on?

Lt. Collier Bonnabel: Irish whiskey.

Artie: I've got nibbles.

Artie: Hands up if you like sheep muck. Hands up if you like cow pee. Hands up if you like dog fart. Hands up if you like me.

Artie: Daddy.

Joe Warr: What is it, sweet heart?

Artie: I want to die.

Joe Warr: Do you? Why?

Artie: So I can be with mommy.

Artie: Don't worry daddy, I'll stay down here with you for now.

Joe Warr: Thanks.

Laura: Do you want to say something about the cat?

Artie: Cat food looks better than it tastes.

Artie: I thought I was never gonna see you again.

Mike: Hi. Long time no see. Should I get the nurse?

Artie: No. What are you still doing here?

Mike: I was waiting for you to wake up.

Artie: Thanks so much for helping me out. I'm - I'm very, very grateful.

Mike: Your welcome. Artie, listen to me. I want you to know something. I forgive you.

Artie: Huh?

Mike: You understand? It's over. I forgive you for everything.

[Artie starts to cry and Mike kisses his forehead, sniffling as well, then he sees Artie's son, Paul]

Mike: Looks like there's someone here to see you.

[leaves]

Artie: Look at all that young fresh chicken. Where I come from, we call 'em baldies. Makes your mouth water, don't it?

Ben: Artie, they're too young to even understand what's on your mind.

Artie: There ain't no such thing as being too young. You're just too old.