Arthur Quotes in Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

[first lines]

Lancelot: Where the hell is your so-called magician, Arthur?

Arthur: He'll be here, Lancelot!

[the Round Table is held by both human and Cybertronian knights]

Arthur: To old brothers, and new brothers!

[Eggsy enters the study room with JB to meet with Arthur]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?

Arthur: Sit down.

[Eggsy sits down while Arthur looks at JB]

Arthur: Pretty dog. What's his name?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: JB.

Arthur: As in James Bond?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: No.

Arthur: Jason Bourne?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: No. Jack Bauer.

Arthur: Oh.

[pauses]

Arthur: Bravo. It pains me to admit it, Eggsy, but one day, you might be as good a spy as any of them.

[Arthur pulls out a gun and points it at Eggsy, then offers it to him]

Arthur: Take it.

[Eggsy takes the gun]

Arthur: Shoot the dog.

[Surprised look at Eggsy, as he points the gun at JB. Meanwhile, in the room next door, Merlin hands Roxy a gun]

Merlin: This weapon is live. Shoot the dog.

[Back in the study room, Eggsy continues to hesitate as JB stares at him. He shakes his head in disagreement]

Arthur: Give me the gun.

[Eggsy points the gun at Arthur. Suddenly, there is a gunshot from next door. Arthur takes the gun from him]

Arthur: At least the girl's got balls. Get out. I knew you couldn't make it. Go home.

[Eggsy and JB leave the room]

Arthur: Merlin, send in Roxy, please.

[Arthur grabs a poison fountain pen]

Arthur: Can you guess...

[pulls the pen clip back]

Arthur: ... what this is?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I don't have to. Harry showed me. You click it, I die. I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.

Arthur: Bravo.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Valentine won you over, somehow.

Arthur: Once he explained, I understood.

[Flashback to Arthur's meeting with Valentine]

Valentine: When you get a virus, you get a fever. That's the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus. Planet Earth works the same way: Global warming is the fever, mankind is the virus. We're making our planet sick. A cull is our only hope. If we don't reduce our population ourselves, there's only one of two ways this can go: The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host. Either way...

[Back to Eggsy and Arthur's conversation]

Arthur: The result is the same: The virus dies.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So Valentine's gonna take care of the population problem himself.

Arthur: Well if we don't do something, nature will. Sometimes, a culling is the only way to ensure that the species survives. And history will see Valentine as the man who saved humanity from extinction.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he? All his rich mates, they get to live. And then when he thinks it's worth saving, he keeps them safe, whether they agree with him or not.

Arthur: And you, Eggsy. In Harry's honor, I am inviting you to be part of a new world. It's time to make your decision.

[Long pause]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I'd rather be with Harry. Thanks.

Arthur: So be it.

[Arthur points the fountain pen and engages the poison. After a few seconds, nothing happens to Eggsy. Arthur suddenly convulses]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: The problem with us common types is, that we are light-fingered. Kingsman's taught me a lot, but sleight of hand...

[Flashback shows Eggsy swapping glasses while Arthur is not looking]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I had that done already.

Arthur: You dirty... little fucking prick...

[Arthur slumps to his death. Eggsy then takes the pen and cuts open the scar behind Arthur's ear to extract the transponder]

[the Interrogator questions Charlie, who is tied to a railroad track]

The Interrogator: Is Kingsman worth dying for?

Charlie: No it fucking isn't! Shit! I'll tell you what you want, please! Chester King's Arthur! Arthur's head of the secret spy agency! It's called Kingsman! Get me out of here!

The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.

[Interrogator walks away]

Charlie: No, that wasn't the fucking deal!

[Train passes over Charlie and the section he's tied to drops down. Section rises as Arthur arrives at the scene]

Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You're a bloody disgrace.

Charlie: I'm so sorry. Please untie me.

Arthur: Untie yourself.

[Arthur walks away]

Charlie: Arth- Arthur, please. Shit. Anyone!

[Merlin, Hart, Eggsy, Roxy, and Percival observe the scene in the control room]

Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you will have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets. Understood?

[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other and nod to Merlin]

Merlin: Good. Dismissed.

[the Kingsman agents and candidates leave the room. Merlin turns around and turns on the loudspeaker at the railway]

Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.

Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking dad's gonna hear about this!

Arthur: It's all yours. And don't forget your membership proposal. Try picking a more suitable candidate this time.

Harry Hart: Seventeen years and still evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you. You don't remind me that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that young man. He was as much Kingsman material as any of them. More so.

Arthur: But he wasn't exactly one of us, was he? Let's face it, Galahad. Your little experiment failed.

Harry Hart: [Gets up and prepares to leave the room] With respect, Arthur, you're a snob.

Arthur: With respect?

Harry Hart: The world is changing. There's a reason why aristocrats develop weak chins.

[Eggsy arrives at the Kingsman conference room]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Arthur, Harry's dead.

Arthur: *Galahad* is dead. Hence, we have just drunk a toast to him.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Well then you know what that psycho is doing. How many people in the world have got those SIM cards? Valentine can send the signal to any of them, all of them! If they all go homicidal at the same time, then...

Arthur: Indeed. And thanks to Galahad's recordings, we have Valentine's confession. The intelligence has been passed on to the relevant authorities. Our work is complete. And a most distinguished legacy for our fallen friend it is, too.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: And that's it?

Arthur: Come sit down, boy.

[Eggsy sits at Hart's former spot]

Arthur: This... is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy, and we only drink it when we lose a Kingsman. Galahad was very fond of you.

[as Arthur reaches for the decanter, Eggsy notices the scar behind his right ear, indicating that he has a transponder implanted in his head]

Arthur: And on this occasion, I think it is acceptable for us... to bend the rules a little.

[after Arthur pours the brandy into two glasses, Eggsy points at the paintings on the wall]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: These are all Kingsmen?

[Arthur turns to look at the paintings]

Arthur: Yes, they're the founder members.

[Arthur turns back toward Eggsy]

Arthur: I want you to join me in a toast. To Galahad.

[Both men toast each other]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: To Galahad.

[They drink their brandy]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Harry says you don't like to break rules often. Why now?

Arthur: You're very good, Eggsy. Perhaps I will make you my proposal for Galahad's position, provided of course we can see eye-to-eye on certain political matters.

Ariadne: What's happening?

Arthur: Your subconscious is looking for the dreamer; me. Quick, give me a kiss.

Ariadne: [She kisses him and then looks around]

Ariadne: They're still looking at us.

Arthur: Yeah, it was worth a shot.

Arthur: It would have to be a 747.

Cobb: Why is that?

Arthur: Because in a 747, the pilot's up top, and the first class cabin's in the nose, so no one would walk through. But you'd have to buy out the entire cabin. And the first class flight attendant...

Saito: I bought the airline.

[Everybody turns and stares at him. Saito just shrugs]

Saito: It seemed neater.

Arthur: Eames, I am impressed.

Eames: Your condescension, as always, is much appreciated, Arthur, thank you.

Arthur: So, once we've made the plant, how do we go out? Hope you have something more elegant in mind than shooting me in the head?

Cobb: A kick.

Ariadne: What's a kick?

Eames: This, Ariadne, would be a kick

[kicks the leg of the chair Arthur's swinging at]

Arthur: [finds his balance and glares at Eames]

Cobb: What do you want?

Saito: Inception. Is it possible?

Arthur: Of course not.

Saito: If you can steal an idea, why can't you plant one there instead?

Arthur: Okay, this is me, planting an idea in your mind. I say: don't think about elephants. What are you thinking about?

Saito: Elephants?

Arthur: Right, but it's not your idea. The dreamer can always remember the genesis of the idea. True inspiration is impossible to fake.

Cobb: No, it's not.

Cobb: "I will split up my father's empire." Now, this is obviously an idea that Robert himself would choose to reject. Which is why we need to plant it deep in his subconscious. Subconscious is motivated by emotion, right? Not reason. We need to find a way to translate this into an emotional concept.

Arthur: How do you translate a business strategy into an emotion?

Cobb: That's what we're here to figure out, right? Now, Robert's relationship with his father is stressed, to say the least.

Eames: Well, can we run with that? We could suggest to him breaking up his father's company as a "screw-you" to the old man.

Cobb: No, 'cause I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. We all yearn for reconciliation, for catharsis. We need Robert Fischer to have a positive emotional reaction to all this.

Eames: Alright, we'll try this, umm... "My father accepts that I want to create for myself, not follow in his footsteps."

Cobb: That might work.

Arthur: Might? We're gonna need to do a little better than 'might'.

Eames: Oh, thank you for your contribution, Arthur.

Arthur: Forgive me for wanting a little specificity, Eames.

[Eames appears confused at the word]

Arthur: Specificity?

Arthur: What about his security? It's gonna get worse as we go deeper.

Cobb: I think we run with Mr. Charles.

Arthur: No.

Eames: Who's Mr. Charles?

Arthur: Bad idea.

Cobb: The second we get in that hotel with Fischer, his security is gonna be all over us. We run with Mr. Charles like we did on the Stein job.

Eames: So you've done it before?

Arthur: Yeah, and it didn't work. The subject realized he was dreaming and his subconscious tore us to pieces.

Eames: Excellent. But you learned a lot, right?

Ariadne: Cobb can't build anymore, can he?

Arthur: I don't know if he can't, but he won't. He thinks it's safer if he doesn't know the layouts.

Ariadne: Why?

Arthur: He won't tell me. But I think it's Mal.

Ariadne: His ex-wife?

Arthur: No, not his ex.

Ariadne: They're still together?

Arthur: No, she... she's dead. What you see in there is just his projection of her.

Ariadne: What was she like in real life?

Arthur: She was lovely.

Arthur: So, a totem. It's a small object, potentially heavy, something you can have on you all the time...

Ariadne: What, like a coin?

Arthur: No, it has to be more unique than that, like - this is a loaded die.

[Ariadne reaches out to take the die]

Arthur: Nah, I can't let you touch it, that would defeat the purpose. See only I know the balance and weight of this particular loaded die. That way when you look at your totem, you know beyond a doubt you're not in someone else's dream.

Arthur: Where were you? What happened to you?

Cobb: Got blocked by a freight train.

Arthur: [to Ariadne] Why would you put a train course in the middle of a downtown intersection?

Ariadne: Why, I didn't.

Arthur: Where did it come from?

Cobb: Let me ask you a question, why the hell were we ambushed, huh? Those were not normal projections. They've been trained, for God's sakes!

Arthur: You're right.

Ariadne: How could they be trained?

Arthur: Fischer's had an extractor teach his subconscious to defend itself, so, his subconscious has militarized. It should have shown in the research. I'm sorry.

Ariadne: That's some subconscious you've got on you, Cobb! She's a real charmer!

Arthur: Oh, I see you've met Mrs Cobb.

Arthur: You couldn't have peed before you went under?

Yusuf: Sorry.

Eames: A bit too much free champagne before take off, Yusuf?

Yusuf: Ha ha, bloody ha.

Arthur: [Getting out of the water after the kicks] What happened?

Ariadne: Cobb stayed.

Arthur: With Mal?

Ariadne: No, to find Saito.

Arthur: He'll be lost.

Ariadne: No he'll be all right.

Arthur: You. What the hell was all that?

Cobb: I have it under control.

Arthur: I'd hate to see it out of control.

[repeated line]

Arthur: Paradox.

Arthur: Cobb said you'd be back.

Ariadne: I tried not to come, but...

Arthur: But there's nothing quite like it.

Ariadne: It's just... pure creation.

Ariadne: My subconscious seems polite enough.

Arthur: Well wait, it'll turn ugly. No one wants to feel someone else messing around their mind.

Arthur: Eames, I am impressed.

Eames: Your condescension, as always, is much appreciated, Arthur. Thank you.

Arthur: Asshole! How did you mess up the carpet?

Nash: It wasn't my fault.

Arthur: You're the architect!

Nash: I didn't know he was going to rub his damn cheek on it!

Arthur: And I will lead them on a merry chase.

Ariadne: [wakes up after being stabbed by Mal in a dream] Why... why wouldn't I wake up?

Arthur: 'Cause there was still some time on the clock and you can't wake up from within a dream unless you die.

Fischer: I'm insured against kidnapping for up to 10 million. This should be very simple.

Cobb: Shut up! It won't be.

Arthur: In your father's office, below the bookshelves is his personal safe. We need the combination.

Fischer: I don't know any safe.

Cobb: That doesn't mean you don't know the combination. Tell us what it is.

Fischer: I don't know.

Arthur: We have it on good authority you do know.

Fischer: Yeah? Whose authority?

Arthur: [From Trailer]

[to Cobb]

Arthur: You should walk away from this!

Arthur: And you! You knew about this and went along with it!

Yusuf: I trusted him!

Arthur: You trusted him! What, when he promised you half his share?

Yusuf: No, his whole share. Besides he said he'd done it before.

Arthur: You've done it before? What, with Mal? 'Cause that worked so good!

Cobb: That has nothing to do with it. I did what I had to do to get back to my children.

Arthur: With the slightest disturbance, the dream's going to collapse.

Arthur: What's going on up there?

Arthur: I tell you don't think about elephants. What are you thinking about?

Saito: Elephants.

Agatha: Think about all the lives that little girl has saved.

Lamar Burgess: Think about all the lives that little girl has saved, think about all the lives she will save, that little girl could have saved Sean.

John Anderton: [yells] Don't you *ever* say his name!

Arthur: You used the memory of my dead son to set me up.

John Anderton: [yells] You used the memory of my dead son to set me up! That was the one thing you knew would drive me to murder.

Dashiell: What are you going to do now, Lamar?

John Anderton: [yells] What're you going to do now, Lamar?

Arthur: How are you...

John Anderton: ...going to shut me up?

Dashiell: I'm sorry, John.

Cerdic: You come to beg a truce, you should be on your knees.

Arthur: I came to see your face so that I alone may find you on the battlefield. And you would do well to mark my face, Saxon, for the next time you see it, it will be the last thing you see on this earth.

Cerdic: Ahhh, finally, a man worth killing

[Lancelot finds Arthur praying in the stable]

Lancelot: Why do you always talk to God and not to me? Pray to whomever you pray that we don't cross the Saxons.

Arthur: My faith is what protects me, Lancelot. Why do you challenge this?

Lancelot: I don't like anything that puts a man on his knees.

Arthur: No man fears to kneel before the God he trusts. Without faith, without belief in something, what are we?

Arthur: Pelagius told me once: "There is no worse death than the end of hope."

Guinevere: You and I are not the polite people that live in poems. We are blessed and cursed by our times.

Guinevere: Arthur and his knights. A leader both Briton and Roman. And yet, you chose your allegiance to Rome, to those who take what does not belong to them. That same Rome that took your men from their homeland.

Arthur: Listen, lady, do not pretend you know anything about me or my men.

Guinevere: How many Britons have you killed?

Arthur: As many as tried to kill me. It's the natural state of any man to want to live.

Guinevere: Animals live! It's the natural state of any man to want to live free... in their own country. I belong to this land. Where do you belong, Arthur?

Arthur: [praying] Oh, merciful God, I have such need of Your mercy now. Not for myself, but for my knights, for this is truly their hour of need. Deliver them from their trials ahead and I will pay You a thousandfold with any sacrifice You ask of me. And if in Your wisdom, You should determine that sacrifice must be my life for theirs, so that they can once again taste the freedom that has so long been denied to them, I will gladly make that covenant. My death will have a purpose. I ask no more than that.

Lancelot: Arthur! This is not Rome's fight. It is not your fight. All these long years we've been together, the trials we've faced, the blood we've shed... what was it all for if not for the reward of freedom! And now when we are so close, when it's finally within our grasp... Look at me! Does it all count for nothing?

Arthur: You ask me that? You who know me the best of all?

Lancelot: Then do not do this. Only certain death awaits you here. Arthur, I beg you! For our friendship's sake, I beg you!

Arthur: You be my friend now and do not dissuade me. Seize the freedom you have earned and live it for the both of us. I cannot follow you, Lancelot. I know now that all the blood I have shed, all the lives I have taken have led me to this moment.

Guinevere: My father told me great tales of you.

Arthur: Really? And what did you hear?

Guinevere: Fairy tales. The kind you hear about people so brave, so selfless, that they can't be real.

[about Arthur's father]

Guinevere: He died in battle?

Arthur: It's a family tradition.

Arthur: Deeds themselves are useless unless they are for some higher purpose.

Arthur: Knights! The gift of freedom is yours by right. But the home we seek resides not in some distant land, it's in us, and in our actions on this day! If this be our destiny, then so be it. But let history remember, that as free men, we chose to make it so!

Arthur: There is no worse death than the end of hope.

Arthur: Think very hard upon that vow Bishop for I will hold you to it. Break it... and no Roman legion, papal army, nor God himself will protect you. That is my promise.

Lancelot, Arthur, Bors, Gawain, Tristan, Dagonet: [the knights line up on the hill near the fort and charge towards the Saxons] For Arthur!

Arthur: Knights... Brothers and arms... Your courage has been testet beyond all limits.

Bors: Yes

Arthur: But I must ask you now for one further trial.

Bors: Drink.

Arthur: We must leave on a final mission for Rome before our freedom can be granted. Above the wall, far north, there is a Roman family in need of rescue. They are trapped by Saxons. Our orders is to secure their safety.

Bors: Let the Romans take care of their own.

Gawain: Above the wall is Woad territory.

Galahad: Our duty to Rome, if it ever was a duty, is done. Our pact with Rome is done.

Bors: Every knight here has laid his life on the line for you. For you. And instead of freedom you want more blood? Our blood? You think more of Roman blood than you do of ours?

Arthur: Bors! These are our orders. We leave at first light, and when we return your freedom will be waiting for you. A freedom we can embrace with honour.

Bors: I'm a free man! I will choose my own fate!

Tristan: Yeah, yeah, we're all going to die someday. If it's a death from a Saxons hand that frightens you, stay home.

Galahad: Listen, if you're so eager to die, you can die right now! I've got something to live for!

Lancelot: Enough. Enough!

Dagonet: The Romans have broken their word. We have the word of Arthur. That is good enough. I'll prepare.

Arthur: How many times in battle have we snatched victory from the jaws of defeat? Outnumbered, outflanked, but still we triumph? With you at my side, we can do so again. Lancelot, we are knights. What other purpose do we serve if not for such a cause?

Arthur: [kneeling over Lancelot's body, looking up to the sky] It was my life to be taken! Not this! Never this!

[as Bors, Galahad, and Gawain approach, bearing Tristan's body]

Arthur: My brave knights, I have failed you. I neither took you off this island, nor shared your fate.

Merlin: [to Arthur] No fate is shared.

[to other knights, and more confident]

Merlin: No fate is shared.

Bors: They chose their own fate.

[turning to Galahad, he spoke more assuredly]

Bors: As did we all.

[quietly, facing Arthur]

Bors: As did we all.

[Arthur's eyes drift to the sword briefly, and back to Lucan who looks down sadly]

Arthur: One day you'll be strong enough. And you'll come back for it.

[Arthur has re-set Guinevere's broken fingers]

Arthur: How's your hand?

Guinevere: I'll live, I promise you.

Lancelot: To try and get past the Woads in the north is insanity.

Arthur: Them, we've fought before.

Lancelot: Not north of the Wall! How many Saxons? Hmm? How many? Tell me. Do you believe in this mission?

Arthur: These people need our help. It is out duty to bring...

Lancelot: I don't care about your charge. And I don't give a damn about Romans, Britain, or this island. If you desire to spend eternity in this place, Arthur, then so be it. But suicide cannot be chosen for another!

Arthur: And yet you choose death for this family!

Lancelot: No, I choose life! And freedom! For myself and the men!

Arthur: What is this madness?

Arthur: I tell you now, Marius is not of god, and you, all of you,

[assertive]

Arthur: were free from your first breath!

Arthur: For men to be men, they must first all be equal.

Arthur: God uses people like you, Lancelot. Because your heart is open. You hold nothing back. You give all of yourself.

Lancelot: If you knew me better, you would not say such things.

Arthur: Oh, hey, I take the good with the bad, together. I can't love people in slices.

Arthur: Lancelot, just a thought. A man who fears nothing is a man who loves nothing; and if you love nothing, what joy is there in your life? I may be wrong.

Arthur: You risked your life for another. There is no greater love.

Arthur: John will send any message you want.

Guinevere: My Lord grants my wishes before I speak them.

Guinevere: [Addressing the messenger] Tell my people I'm come safe into my new country. Tell them you saw my eyes filled with tears of joy.

Arthur: Already a queen.

Peter, King's Stableman: [Refers to Guinevere riding] She's a rare beauty, sire.

Arthur: Yes, she is.

Peter, King's Stableman: So is the mare.

Arthur, Lancelot: Brother to brother, yours in life and death.

Arthur: How have I failed you?

Arthur: [to Lancelot after being betrayed] The law will judge you!

Arthur: What wise men say doesn't last. What cannot be promised, or made to linger any more than sunlight.

Charlie Croker: What's the matter.

Yellow: He says he wants to sit up in front with the driver!

Coco: I always get sick in the back.

Yellow: Listen, if I go in the back, I'll get me migraine, I'll be out like a light.

Charlie Croker: You are not going to be sick. You are not going to have your migraine. And everybody is gonna sit in the back of the motor!

Arthur: Charlie, me in the back of the motor with my asthma?

Detective Virgil Kane: Now, aren't you the clever little chunky monkey?

Arthur: You keep banging on about my weight. Now you are crossing the line.

Detective Virgil Kane: Arthur, it was a joke. It was a joke. Smile. Smile.

Detective Virgil Kane: [Arthur smiles] You fat cunt.

Detective Virgil Kane: What else you got?

Arthur: Six dead bodies and one live one. Chief, it's Leopold Durant.

Detective Virgil Kane: Durant? Right, now concentrate, Arthur. Get that fat fuck down here pronto.

Arthur: But sir, he's dying.

Detective Virgil Kane: Then you'd better be fucking quick about it, hadn't you?

Arthur: Right lads, get the cuffs on this cockney twat!

Senator Chapman: [Arthur leers at Laurel] Arthur! will you leave the girl enough clothes on not to catch cold? She's too valuable to me right now.

Arthur: Have you slept with her yet?

Senator Chapman: What kind of question is that to ask a married man?

Arthur: Ha-ha! You son-of-a-gun!

Senator Chapman: Think I'd better go check what she's doing.

Arthur: Oh, sure!

Senator Chapman: Arthur, have another drink and stop thinking about how much everyone else is getting. See you later.

Arthur: They say Time Heals all wounds.

Aurora: Broken Hearts aren't that simple, Arthur.

Arthur: Jim, these are not robot questions.

Arthur: I laughed at a man with no pants, until I realized I have no legs.

Arthur: You two look fine this evening.

Aurora: We're on a date.

Arthur: Very nice.

Aurora: [to Jim] Took you long enough to ask. So why'd you give up your life on Earth?

Arthur: Swear faith to me, and you shall have mercy! I need battle lords such as you!

Uryenes: [scornfully] A noble knight swear faith to a squire?

Mador: NEVER... NEVER!

Arthur: You are right.

Arthur: You're right... I'm not yet a knight.

[Hands Excalibur to Uyrenes and kneels]

Arthur: You, Uryenes, will make me a knight. Then as knight to knight... I can offer you mercy.

Merlin: [Alarmed] What's this? What's this?

Mador: Keep it, Uryenes!

Uryenes: [hesitates and then touches Excalibur to Arthur's shoulder] In the name of God, St Michael and St George, I give you the right to bear arms and the power to mete justice!

Arthur: That duty I will solemnly obey, as knight and king.

Merlin: I never saw this.

Uryenes: Rise... King Arthur.

[Uryenes kneels before Arthur]

Uryenes: I am your humble knight, and I swear allegiance to the courage in your veins. So strong it is, its source must be Uther Pendragon's. I doubt you no more!

[kisses Arthur's hand - other knights also kneel]

[Arthur has broken Excalibur on Lancelot's chest]

Arthur: Merlin! What have I done?

Merlin: You have broken what could not be broken! Now, hope is broken.

Arthur: My pride broke it. My rage broke it! This excellent knight, who fought with fairness and grace, was meant to win. I used Excalibur to change that verdict. I've lost, for all time, the ancient sword of my fathers, whose power was meant to unite all men... not to serve the vanity of a single man. I am... nothing.

Arthur: Now, once more, I must ride with my knights to defend what was, and the dream of what could be.

Arthur: [of Lancelot] Will he live?

Merlin: Oh, yes.

Arthur: Will Guinevere...?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: Merlin, will I ever have a son?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: No riddles? Nothing but a simple "yes"? That frightens me.

Merlin: But a King should be afraid, Arthur, always... of the enemy. Waiting, everywhere. In the corridors of his castle, on the deer-paths of his forests, or in a more tangled forest... in here.

[taps his head with his finger]

Merlin: You brought me back. Your love brought me back. Back to where you are now. In the land of dreams.

Arthur: Are you a dream, Merlin?

Merlin: [softly] A dream to some.

[Yelling]

Merlin: A nightmare to others.

Arthur: Move aside! This is the king's road - and the knights you joined arms against were his very own.

Lancelot: I await the king himself. His knights are in need of training.

Arthur: I am King. And this

[draws the sword]

Arthur: , is Excalibur, sword of kings from the dawn of time. Who are you? What do you seek?

Lancelot: I am Lancelot of the Lake, from across the sea. And I have yet to find a king worthy of my sword.

Arthur: That is a wild boast. You lack a knight's humility!

Lancelot: Not a boast, sir. But a curse. For I have never met my match in joust or duel.

Arthur: Move aside!

Lancelot: I will not. You must retreat, or prove your worth in the test of arms under the eyes of God.

Arthur: Then may He give me the strength to unhorse you. And send you with one blow, back across the sea.

Lancelot: Then come across, sir.

Arthur: Rise, Father, please. I was your son before I became your king; if I am King.

Sir Ector: You are king, Arthur; the more so because you are not my son, and I am not your father.

Arthur: Not my father? Then Kay is not my brother?

Sir Ector: Merlin the magician brought you to me when you were newly born, and bade me raise you as my own. At first, I did so because I feared Merlin, but later because I loved you.

Arthur: Who is my true father?

Sir Ector: Only Merlin can tell you that.

Arthur: And who is Merlin?

Merlin: [enters suddenly from the forest] I... am the Merlin.

Arthur: Whose son am I?

Merlin: You are the son of Uther and Igrayne. You are King Arthur!

Arthur: I have often thought that in the hereafter of our lives, when I owe no more to the future and can be just a man, that we may meet, and you will come to me and claim me as yours, and know that I am your husband. It is a dream I have...

Perceval: [holding the Grail to Arthur's lips] You and the land are one. Drink.

Arthur: I am wasting away. I cannot die and I cannot live.

Perceval: Drink from the chalice. You will be reborn and the land with you.

Arthur: [drinks] Perceval... I didn't know how empty was my soul... until it was filled.

Kay: [Upon seeing Arthur cured] Arthur.

Arthur: [Speaking to Kaye] Ready my knights for battle. They shall ride with their King once more. I have lived through others far too long. Lancelot bore my honor and Guenevere my guilt. Mordred bore my sins. My Knight have fought my causes. And now my brother, I shall be... King!

Arthur: [Arthur is dying] Perceval, take Excalibur. Find a pool of calm water. Throw the sword into it.

Perceval: No!

Arthur: Obey me, Perceval. Do it, and return.

Arthur: [Perceval returns after not throwing the sword in] When you cast it in, what did you see?

Perceval: I saw nothing but the wind on the water. My King, I couldn't do it! Excalibur cannot be lost! Other men...

Arthur: DO... as I command! One day, a King will come, and the Sword will rise... again.

Merlin: What are you afraid of?

Arthur: I don't know.

Merlin: Shall I tell you what's out there?

Arthur: Yes, please.

Merlin: The Dragon. A beast of such power that if you were to see it whole and all complete in a single glance, it would burn you to cinders.

Arthur: Where is it?

Merlin: It is everywhere! It is everything! Its scales glisten in the bark of trees, its roar is heard in the wind! And its forked tongue strikes like... like...

[lightning strikes near their feet]

Merlin: Whoa! Like lightning! Yes, that's it.

Arthur: How can I...? What should I...? Must I...?

Merlin: Do nothing. Be still. Sleep. Rest in the arms of the Dragon. Dream.

Arthur: Merlin, where are you going?

Merlin: Where do you think? You have a kingdom to rule.

Arthur: But how? I don't know how.

Merlin: You knew how to draw the sword from the stone.

Arthur: That was easy.

Merlin: Was it? I couldn't have done it.

Arthur: You couldn't?

Merlin: You're the King. Not I.

Arthur: But where to start?

Merlin: Well what do think happened since you ran off.

Arthur: Sir Ector and Kay. They must be waiting all this time. All the great Knights were against me except for Leondegrance of Camelyard. If he supports me, the Knights are all against him.

Merlin: Right now they lay siege to his castle.

Arthur: I need him. We must help him.

Merlin: There you are. That was easy too. Wasn't it?

Arthur: Where hides evil in my kingdom, then?

Merlin: Always... where you never expect it. Always.

Gawain: I know where.

Arthur: Where, Sir Gawain?

Gawain: I cannot say.

Arthur: You must speak your heart. You sit at the Round Table. Where is this evil?

Gawain: He's our best... and our bravest... why, then, is he never here? Without Lancelot, this table is nothing! Is there anyone here who doesn't think him a god? And now to be driven from us

[points to Guenevere]

Gawain: by a woman's desire!

Guenevere: In the idleness that comes with peace, I see that gossip has bred its own evil! I will forgive your hasty words. Come... drink from Lancelot's cup, and partake of his 'goodness'.

[the cup is passed to Gawain, who proceeds to slam it upside-down on the table in defiance of Guenevere]

Arthur: You DARE accuse the Queen, Gawain?

Gawain: I do!

Guenevere: I protest my innocence!

Arthur: [standing up and drawing Excalibur threateningly] WERE I NOT KING, I WOULD MAKE YOU PAY WITH YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT YOU'VE SAID!

Guenevere: Will you not champion me?

Arthur: I cannot! I am your King, and I must be your judge in this. Lancelot must do it. He also stands accused. I decree - that at sunrise, two days from now, the champions will meet, and the truth shall be known. For by the law of God, no knight who is false can win in combat with one who is true.

Arthur: [to Kay] Ready my knights for battle. They will ride with their king once more. I have lived through others for far too long. Lancelot carried my honor, and Guenevere, my guilt. Mordred bears my sins. My knights have fought my causes. Now, my brother, I shall be... king.

Arthur: [to Guinevere] I've often thought that in the hereafter of our lives, when I owe no more to the future... can be just a man... we might meet. You'd come to me, claim me yours, know that I am your husband.

[He starts to leave, then turns to face her]

Arthur: It is a dream I have.

[He leaves. She watches him go, knowing that she will never see him again]

Arthur: Do you still have the Sight, Merlin? Are they together?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: You warned me of this, all those years ago. What must I do now... Kill them?

Merlin: I can tell you nothing. My days are ended. The gods of once are gone... forever. It's a time for men. It's your time, Arthur.

Arthur: I need you now... more than ever.

Merlin: No. This is the moment that you must face at last. To be King, alone.

Arthur: And you, old friend? Will I see you again?

Merlin: No. There are other worlds. This one is done with me.

Merlin: [Arthur embraces Merlin, then walks away; Merlin stares off into the twilit sky then quietly says] That's it.

[Arthur and Lancelot are fighting at their first encounter]

Lancelot: Your rage has unbalanced you. You, sir, would fight to the death, against a knight who is not your enemy. Over a stretch of road you could easily ride around.

Arthur: So be it. To the death!

Mordred: I've come to claim what is mine, Father.

Arthur: Show yourself.

[Mordred takes off his mask]

Arthur: I cannot give you the land. Only my love.

Mordred: That's the one thing of yours I don't want! The quest knights have failed. They're all dead. And YOU... are dead, too. I shall come back and take Camelot by force!

Arthur: I was not born to live a man's life, but to be the stuff of future memory.

Arthur: Any man who would be a knight and follow a king... follow me.

Lancelot: [Lancelot unhorses Arthur, then approaches him still on horseback with his lance held out] Yield sir, I have the advantage.

Arthur: [in a fit of absolute rage] I will not! Fight me from your horse or on foot, but fight me, your avoidance mocks me!

Lancelot: I sought only not to harm you.

[knocks Arthur to the ground]

Arthur: Which is the greatest quality of knighthood? Courage? Compassion? Loyalty? Humility? What do you say, Merlin?

Merlin: Hmm? Ah. Ah. Ah, the greatest. Uh, well, they blend, like the metals we mix to make a good sword.

Arthur: No poetry. Just a straight answer. Which is it?

Merlin: All right, then. Truth. That's it. Yes. It must be truth above all. When a man lies, he murders some god of the world. You should know that.

Arthur: Thanks be to God you're alive.

Lancelot: I, the best Knight in the world bested! This is a great day! For my search is over, my King. Make me your champion.

Arthur: But your life and lands are far from here.

Lancelot: I gave up my castle and my lands. This is my domain. Within this metal skin. And I pledge all that I still own. Muscle, bone, blood and the heart that pumps it.

Arthur: And a great heart it is. Sir Lancelot, you will be my champion.

Lancelot: [Fatally wounded] Arthur. Forgive.

Arthur: Lancelot.

Lancelot: My salvation is to die a Knight of the Round Table.

Arthur: You are that. And much more. You are it's greatest Knight. You are what is best in men.

Lancelot: It is the old wound my King. It has never healed. Guinevere. Is she Queen again?

Arthur: She is Lancelot.

Arthur: All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world.

Slartibartfast: No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.

Ford: What is normal?

Trillian: What is home?

Zaphod: What're cows?

Arthur: It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Arthur: Ford?

Ford: Yeah?

Arthur: I think I'm a sofa...

Ford: [pause] I know how you feel...

Trillian: You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth!

Zaphod: I did?

Arthur: He did?

Trillian: Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you?

Zaphod: Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading.

Trillian: My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph!

Trillian: Who are you?

Arthur: Er, Dent, Arthur Dent.

Trillian: No, I mean *who* are you?

Arthur: Oh, the costume. Er, Livingston I presume. Yeah. Not as good as Darwin I know but the best I could manage at short notice.

Trillian: You're the first person whose gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa.

Arthur: Really?

Trillian: Yeah, and I thought the beagle made it a dead giveaway.

Arthur: Well, I suppose most of the people who come to these parties are idiots.

Trillian: What?

[the record player is bumped, the music stops]

Arthur: I said all these people are idiots!

[everyone stares at him]

Arthur: Oh god...

Marvin: You can blame the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for making androids with GPP...

Arthur: Um... what's GPP?

Marvin: [despondently] Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you...?

Arthur: [Trillian has been captured by Vogons]

[bursts into a random Vogon building with Marvin's arm, hoping they think it's a gun]

Arthur: All right! Where is she!

[sees he's in a waiting room]

Vogon Secretary: Who? The Director of Robot Arm Repair?

Trillian: Let's go somewhere.

Arthur: Where did you have in mind?

Trillian: Madagascar.

Arthur: That new club on Dean Street?

Trillian: No, it's a country. Off the coast of Africa.

Slartibartfast: [talking about the Earth] Best laid plans of mice.

Arthur: And men.

Slartibartfast: What?

Arthur: Best laid plans of mice and men.

Slartibartfast: Oh. No, I don't think men had much to do with it.

Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer.

Arthur: And?

Marvin: It hates me.

Arthur: OK. Leave this to me. I'm British. I know how to queue.

Ford: [after being thrown into the airlock by a guard] Wash your filthy hands!

[looks around]

Ford: Don't panic... don't panic...

Arthur: So this is it. We're gonna die.

Ford: Yeah. We're gonna die.

[pauses]

Ford: No... no! What's this?

[goes over to control panel]

Arthur: What's that?

Ford: What's this...? What's this...?

[flips switch]

Ford: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die.

Arthur: Let's go somewhere.

Trillian: Definitely. Where'd you have in mind?

Ford: I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe.

Mr. Prosser: Do you know how much damage this bulldozer would sustain if I just let it roll over you?

Arthur: How much?

Mr. Prosser: None at all.

Trillian: I have a plan.

Arthur: Does it involve pushing him out there and then running the other way?

Ford: You don't remember. Arthur, your whole planet has been destroyed.

Arthur: Couldn't you have done something?

Ford: I saved your life.

Arthur: A cup of tea would restore my normality.

Ford: Didn't you think it was strange I was trying to shake hands with a car?

Arthur: I assumed you were drunk.

Ford: I thought cars were the dominant lifeform. I was trying to introduce myself.

Zaphod: Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again?

Arthur: Earth.

Zaphod: Yeah, Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots on Earth. Anyway, don't tell the girl, OK? Cause if you do, I'll pull your spleen out through your throat.

Ford: Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing.

[a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces]

Ford, Arthur, Zaphod: Ow!

Arthur: I have to say, without the beard you look at least 80 years younger.

Trillian: Well, maybe I'm de-evolving?

Arthur: Ha ha!

Trillian: Ha ha!

Arthur: Well, I should inform you that I don't date single-celled organisms.

Arthur: See, normally I hate those sorts of parties. I'd much rather stay at home, I don't know, ironing me hankies.

Arthur: Humma Kavula is person? I thought he was swearing!

Arthur: [as a yarn doll] I think I'm gonna be sick!

Zaphod: Hey, do it in the trash can, Earth man, this ship is brand new.

Arthur: [vomits coloured yarn]

Arthur: So this is it. We're going to die

Ford: Yes. Would you like a hug?

Arthur: No.

Arthur: Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fuelled by lemons?

Zaphod: I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you, Alex.

Arthur: Arthur!

Zaphod: Have you ever tried yoga?

Marvin: [Trillian, Ford, and Zaphod have gone through the portal and left Arthur and Marvin behind] I told you this would all end in tears.

Arthur: Did you? Did you?

Arthur: So you're not from Guildford. Which would explain the accent.

Lunkwill: Drink up.

Arthur: Thank you.

Fook: Now, to business.

Ford, Zaphod: [drunkenly toasting] To business!

Lunkwill, Fook: Eat!

Zaphod: [quietly] Sorry.

Ford: [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought] Is that it?

Zaphod: No, there's more. They go back.

Arthur: What, seven and a half million years later?

Zaphod: Yeah, they do.

[Cuts to 7.5 million years later and the answer being received]

Trillian: How badly does it hurt?

Arthur: It doesn't feel great.

Arthur: She was amazing though, Ford. Beautiful, witty, mad as a balloon.

Arthur: I think that door just sighed.

Marvin: Ghastly, isn't it? All the doors on this spaceship have been programmed to have a cheery and sunny disposition.

Marvin: I have a million ideas, but, they all point to certain death.

Arthur: Thanks very much, Marv!

Jeltz: Either die in the vacuum of space, or tell me what you thought of my poem.

[other Vogons chuckle]

Arthur: A... a... actually, I rather liked it.

Jeltz: Hmm?

Ford: Yeah. That's good. Run with it.

Jeltz: Hmmm?

Arthur: Uh, some of the words I didn't understand, but I found the imagery quite effective.

Jeltz: Continue...

Arthur: Well, uh, yes, interesting rhythmic devices, which seemed to counterpoint the underlying metaphor of the humanity of, of the poet's soul.

Jeltz: So what you're saying is, I write poetry because underneath this mean, callous, heartless exterior, I just want to be loved?

Ford: [whispers] Yes, yes, yes.

Arthur: Yes, yes, yeah, please.

[other Vogons ooh-ing and aah-ing]

Jeltz: Throw them off the ship!

Slartibartfast: Earthman, you must realize that the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for and run by mice.

Arthur: When you say mice, do you mean the little furry white creatures with whiskers, ears, cheese?

Slartibartfast: Yeah, but they're protrusions into our dimension of hyper-intelligent beings. I don't know this cheese of which you speak, but they were there on Earth as mice experimenting on you.

Arthur: I see where you've become confused now. You see, *we* were experimenting on *them*.

Slartibartfast: Ah, no, well, yeah, no. That's what they wanted you to think, but you were actually elements in their computer program.

Arthur: Actually, this explains a lot. All my life I've had this strange feeling there's something big and sinister going on in the world.

Slartibartfast: No, that's normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

[last lines]

Merlin: Why, they might even make a motion picture about you.

Arthur: Motion picture?

Merlin: Oh. Heh-heh-heh, uh, well, uh, that's something like television... heh-heh... without commercials.

Arthur: Oh, Merlin! You're back from Ber... Ber... Ber...

Merlin: Bermuda? Yes, back from Bermuda and the 20th century, heh-heh. And, believe me, you can have it. One big modern mess!

Merlin: [about Archimedes] When he stays out all night, he's always grumpy the next morning.

Arthur: Then he must stay out every night.

Arthur: You mean you can see everything before it happens?

Merlin: Yes, everything!

Archimedes the Owl: Uh-uh-uh-uh! "Everything," Merlin?

Merlin: Uh, vuh... No, no, not EVERYTHING. I, uh, I admit I didn't know whom to expect for tea, but as you can see... heh-heh!...

[points with his staff to the hole in the roof where Arthur fell through]

Merlin: ...I figured the exact place!

[Merlin turns Arthur back into a human and Arthur laughs, which causes the girl squirrel to gasp]

Arthur: There, now you see? I'm not a squirrel. I'm a boy.

[the girl squirrel chirps as if asking a question]

Arthur: I tried to tell you. I'm, I'm a boy. A human boy!

[the girl squirrel climbs up to a knot on her tree and sniffs]

Arthur: Oh! If you could only understand.

[the girl squirrel runs up to the hole in the tree and cries her heart out as Arthur remorsefully walks away]

Merlin: Ah, you know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing.

[the girl squirrel, sobbing, watches Arthur slowly walk away]

Arthur: Greater than gravity?

Merlin: Well, yes, boy. In its way, I'd, uh... Yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth.

[the girl squirrel climbs to the top of her tree to get one last look at Arthur and sobs one last time as the screen fades to black]

Arthur: Oh, what a perfect stuffed owl.

Archimedes the Owl: [huffing] Stuffed... W-w-well, I... I beg your pardon!

Arthur: He's alive, and he talks!

Archimedes the Owl: Heh-heh-heh! And certainly a great deal better than you do!

[Merlin magics the dishes to wash themselves]

Arthur: But I'm supposed to do it.

Merlin: No one will know the difference, son. Who cares as long as the work gets done?

Arthur: [entering the forest] I-I'll get the arrow, Kay. I'm sure I can find it.

Kay: Huh! Oh, don't tell me you're going in THERE. Why, it's swarming with wolves.

Arthur: I'm not afraid.

Kay: Huh. Well, go ahead. It's your skin, not mine. Go on, go on.

Arthur: [enters Merlin's room wearing his squire robes] Merlin, look! I'm a squire!

Merlin: [disapprovingly] Ha!

Archimedes the Owl: Oh... uh... very nice, boy.

Merlin: Yes, indeed. A fine monkey suit for polishing boots.

Arthur: It's... it's what all squires wear.

Merlin: And I thought you were going to amount to something. I thought you had a few brains! Great future! Ha! A stooge for that big lunk Kay. Congratulations, boy!

Merlin: Blow me to Bermuda!

[Merlin suddenly blasts off like a rocket]

Arthur: Where... W-where did he go?

Archimedes the Owl: To Bermuda, I suppose.

Arthur: Where's that?

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, an island way off somewhere that hasn't been discovered yet.

Arthur: Will he ever come back?

Archimedes the Owl: Who knows? Who knows anything?

Madame Mim: Say, lad, did you know that I can make myself uglier yet?

Arthur: Well, that would be some trick - er, I-I-I mean, uh...

Madame Mim: Want to bet?

[hides face with hair, pulls hair back to reveal a warthog's face]

Madame Mim: Boo!

[Arthur jumps]

Madame Mim: Oh, ho! You see? I win, I win! Aren't I hideous, boy? Perfectly revolting?

Arthur: [shaking his head at first, then nodding] Uh... yes, ma'am.

Archimedes the Owl: If the boy goes about saying the world is round, they'll take him for a lunatic.

Arthur: The world is round?

Merlin: Yes. Yes, that's right, and it also, uh, goes A-round.

Arthur: You mean it'll be round SOMEDAY.

Merlin: No, no, no, it's round now. Man will discover this in centuries to come. And he will also find that the world is merely a tiny speck in the universe.

Arthur: Universe?

Archimedes the Owl: Ah! You're only confusing the boy. Before you're through, he'll be so mixed up, he'll... he'll be wearing his shoes on his head!

Arthur: I'm in an awful pickle. I'm king!

Archimedes the Owl: Ooo, he pulled a sword from the stone.

Merlin: Ha ha! Of course, of course. King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.

Arthur: Round table?

Merlin: Oh, uh, w-would you rather have a square one?

Arthur: Oh, no. Round will be fine.

Merlin: Don't... don't you get any foolish ideas that magic will solve all your problems, because it won't.

Arthur: But sir, I don't have any problems.

Merlin: Oh, bah! Everybody's got problems. The world is full of problems.

[gets his beard caught in the door]

Merlin: D'oof! Oh, blast it all! There, now! You see what I mean?

Kay: [Wart is following Kay while he is hunting. Kay turns to him] Quiet, Waaaaart!

Arthur: [from a tree branch over Kay's head] I'm tryin' to be.

Kay: And nobody asked you to come along in the first place.

Arthur: I'm not even movin'.

Kay: [Dismissively] Shuddup.

Arthur: Hey, we were doing fine until we got in deep water. Then along comes this huge pike with big jaws and sharp, jagged teeth.

Kay: Oh, tell 'im off, dad.

Arthur: He was a monster, the biggest fish I ever saw.

Sir Ector: And, boy, that's the biggest fish story I ever heard!

Arthur: But it's true, sir.

Sir Ector: That's three demerits for being late, and three more for the fish story. Now hop it to the kitchen.

Kay: [scoffs] I told you the Wart was looney.

Sir Ector: Eh, well, he's either out of his head or, uh, there's something mighty fishy going on around here.

Kay: We ought to run the old geezer right out of the castle.

Sir Ector: Oh, no. No, no, no, Kay, no. He might cast an evil spell on the lot of us. Turn us all to stone. Shh. No, there's no telling WHAT the old devil might do.

Arthur: He's not an old devil! He's... he's good, and-and his magic is good, too! If... if you just leave him alone!

Sir Ector: Now, look here, Wart! That's three more demerits!

Kay: Box his ears, dad.

Arthur: Just because you can't understand something, it... it doesn't mean it's wrong!

Sir Ector: Ten more demerits!

Arthur: You make all the rules and... and nobody else can say anything!

Sir Ector: You said aplenty, boy! All that popping off just cooked your goose! Kay, from now on, young Hobbes is your squire. Ha! Did you hear that, Wart? Hobbes is going to be Kay's squire, hm-mmm.

Arthur: Y-yes, sir.

Kay: That'll teach you to pop off, you little pipsqueak.

Archimedes the Owl: What-what-what? Wht-wht-what's up, boy? What's going on?

Arthur: They're having a Wizard's Duel. What's that mean?

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, it's a battle of wits. The players change themselves to different things in an attempt to, uh... to... destroy one another.

Arthur: D-d-des-destroy?

Archimedes the Owl: Well just watch, boy. Just watch. You'll get the idea.

Archimedes the Owl: So, from now on, boy...

[coughs]

Archimedes the Owl: ...you do as I say.

Arthur: Yes, sir.

Archimedes the Owl: All right. Now, to start off, I want you to read these books.

[Points to a huge pile of books]

Arthur: All of them?

Archimedes the Owl: That, my boy, is a mountain of knowledge.

Arthur: But I... but I can't read!

Archimedes the Owl: What-what? What? Then I don't suppose you know how to write?

Arthur: N-no, sir.

Archimedes the Owl: Well, what DO you know?

Arthur: Well... I...

Archimedes the Owl: Well, never mind, never mind. We'll start at the bottom - the ABCs.

Arthur: You were really great, Merlin, but... but you could've been killed.

Merlin: It was worth it, lad, if you learned something from it.

Arthur: Knowledge and wisdom is the real power.

Merlin: Right you are, Wart, so stick to your schooling, boy.

Arthur: Oh, oh, don't worry. I will, sir. I will. Oh, I really will.

Arthur: Jumping hogtoads!

Madame Mim: Now what do you think, boy? Who's the greatest? Ha-ha-ha HA ha-ha!

Arthur: Well, uh, Merlin's magic is always... uh, well... useful, uh... for something good.

Madame Mim: And he must see something good in you.

Arthur: Oh, I suppose so.

Madame Mim: Yes, and in my book that's bad!

[Closes window]

Madame Mim: So, my boy, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you.

Arthur: D-destroy me?

Madame Mim: Yeah, I-I'll give you a sporting chance. I'm mad about games, you know.

[chuckling as she turns into a cat]

Madame Mim: Well, come on, boy, get going. You gotta keep on your toes in this game.

Arthur: Whoa! What! Whoa!

Arthur: Merlin! Merlin, I-I swallowed a bug!

Merlin: Oh, well, what's wrong with that? After all, my boy, you ARE a fish. Instinct, you know.

Arthur: But you said I have no instinct.

Merlin: Yes! Oh... oh, I did? Well that's-that's neither here nor there.

Merlin: [teaching Arthur to swim as a fish] Now, there are lots of ups and downs like, like a... like a helicopter.

Arthur: [confused] Helicopter?

Merlin: Yes, y... oh. Well, no, never mind.

Merlin: Don't take gravity too lightly or it'll catch up with you.

Arthur: What's gravity?

Merlin: Gravity is what causes you to fall.

Arthur: Oh, like a stumble or... or a trip?

Merlin: Yes, it's like a stumble or a... No, no, no, no, no. It's the force that pulls you downward, the... the phenomenon that any two material particles or bodies, if free to move, will be accelerated toward each other.

Arthur: [singing, as a fish] For every to, there is a fro; for every stop there is a go, and that's what makes the world go round.

[He stops as a frog grabs his tail]

Arthur: Ooo, let go, let go!

[pulls his tail free]

Arthur: Oh you big bug-eyed bully you!

Merlin: Who, *me*?

Merlin: So you must plan for the future, boy! You've got to find a direction! And you've, uh... oh, er... Now, by the by, what direction is this castle of yours?

Arthur: I think it's north, the other way.

Merlin: Oh, oh...

[Mumbles]

Merlin: All right, then we better get a move on. Come on, lad. Pick up the pace. Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!

Arthur: I can't be a king, Archimedes. I don't know anything about ruling a country.

Archimedes the Owl: I told you to leave the thing in the stone, boy.

Arthur: I'll run away. That's what I'll do. They'll just have to find somebody else.

Merlin: Man will fly someday, I tell you! I have been there! I have seen it!

Arthur: Oh, I do hope so. I've always dreamed about flying; that I was a bird and that I could go sailing all over the sky, high above everything...

[Merlin sneaks up behind him and quietly changes him into a sparrow]

Arthur: It's my favorite dream. But then, I suppose everyone dreams about flying.

[notices his new form; now happily starts flying]

Arthur: I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird!

Merlin: [laughs] Hold it, boy! Not so fast, not so fast. First, I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing.

[grabs Archimedes' wing and runs his finger along the feathers]

Merlin: Now, these large feathers are called the primaries, and...

Archimedes the Owl: And since when do you know all about birds' wings?

Merlin: I have made an extensive study of birds in flight, and...

Archimedes the Owl: And if you don't mind, I happen to be a bird!

Merlin: All right, Mr. Know-It-All! He's your pupil!

Sir Ector: [after putting the sword back in the stone after Wart pulled it] Alright, boy, let's have the miracle.

[Wart goes up to the sword to pull it out of the stone again]

Kay: [grabs Wart's arm and shoves him away] Now, wait a minute! Anyone can pull it once it's been pulled!

[tries to pull the sword but can't]

Sir Ector: Go to it, Kay. Give it all you got. Put your back into it!

[helps Kay]

Sir Ector: [Three other knights come in and try to pull out the sword as well]

Black Bart: Now hold on. That's not fair.

Sir Pelinore: I say we let the boy try it.

Black Bart: That's what I say. Give the boy a chance.

Sir Pelinore: Go ahead, son.

[Wart walks back up to the sword. The miracle light appears over the stone just when he pulls the sword from the stone successfully]

Sir Pelinore: It's a miracle ordained by Heaven. This boy is our king.

Sir Ector: Well, by Jove.

Black Bart: What's the lad's name?

Sir Ector: Eh, Wart... Oh, I mean Arthur.

Black Bart: Hail, King Arthur!

Crowd: Hail, King Arthur! Long live the king!

Archimedes the Owl: [chuckles] I can't believe it!

Sir Ector: [bows to Arthur] Oh, forgive me, son. Forgive me.

Arthur: Oh, please don't, sir.

Sir Ector: Kay! Bow to your king!

[Kay bows]

[repeated line]

Arthur: It's incredible!

[Arthur successfully pulls the sword out of the stone and defeat two of Mathazars soldiers into submission]

Betameche: You fought like a prince!

Arthur: [admiring and examining the sword] When I was fighting with it, it was really light, like it's magic...

Betameche: [excitedly] Yes, it is a magical sword. It has been stuck in that stone for hundreds of years. And *You're* the one who released it. Arthur, you're a hero now!

[shouts]

Betameche: Hey! Hey, everybody! We have a hero! Arthur the Hero!

Minimoy: [peaking out of a hiding place] Arthur the what?

Betameche: [cont. shouting] Arthur the Hero! Arthur the Hero! Long Live, Arthur the Hero!

King: [cheering along] Long Live, Arthur!

[the whole kingdom soon surrounds Arthur, chanting joyously]

Arthur: [looking at a banner that contains a William Shakespeare quote] "Some words may hide others."

[Arthur notices writing hidden in the fabric]

Arthur: Of course!

Narrator: Archibald left his Grandson a note saying, "Dear Arthur, I'm sorry I left you without saying goodbye. But just because you can't see me, doesn't mean I'm not here. I have gone to visit the world of the Mimimoys to collect our rubies. Before, I was in charge of the expedition, but now, it will fall to you... If you accept it, that is.

Arthur: [determined] I will accept it, Grandpa.

Narrator: [as the Grandfather] Good.

[Darkos activates a pole that inflates a giant ball of mean-looking spikes; threatening Arthur and Betameche who are hiding under a table]

Arthur: [uneasy] That's not good.

Betameche: [in a high-pitched, terrified squeak] Nah-uh.

Arthur: [in trailer] As long as I can breath, they are not getting into this house!

Arthur: [respectfully] My respects to you, Princess Selenia.

Princess Selenia: [to Beta; suspicious] How does he know my name?

Betameche: [mocking voice] My respects to you, Princess Selenia!

Princess Selenia: [to Arthur; in the hallway of the Evil M's palace] I'll face M alone. Right now, we're splitting up.

Arthur: What would happen if you succeed?

Princess Selenia: Then we shall meet back here.

Arthur: [concerned] And if you fail?

[Selenia hesitates]

Princess Selenia: If I should fail... Then I shall breathe all my powers to you.

Arthur: What does that mean?

Princess Selenia: [a short pause] Be a good king.

Princess Selenia: You okay? Nothing broken?

Arthur: I'm not sure, I can't feel anything on my butt.

Princess Selenia: Just one question: Where did you learn to fly like that?

Arthur: Driving with my grandfather.

Princess Selenia: That makes sense.

Grandsanta: You were right, Arthur! It doesn't matter how Santa's gift gets there! It doesn't matter if it is Mr Postman in his Spaceship!

Arthur: Just as long as it gets there!

Grandsanta: You made it happen, Lad! No-one got left out!

Arthur: [Dressed up as an Alien speaking to the owner of the tractor dealership in Idaho] We come in peace! Our craft has to travel around the world in less than one hour! We need a part for our craft! I could pay you but where I come from, we don't have money!

Arthur: [after seeing that the Gift 47785BXK for Gwen Hines was Undelivered] A Child has been missed!

Steve: Not Necessarily!

Arthur: [the Digital L.E.D display above the mainframe computer in Mission Control that displays the number of presents lights up and shows 0000000001 in red] A Child has been missed!

Steve: Do you really want to wake up the whole north pole?

Arthur: Good Idea!

[Yelling]

Arthur: A CHILD HAS BEEN MISSED!

Steve: ARTHUR!

Santa: [Overhearing the commotion in mission control, opens the doors and walks onto the main concourse] Is everything alright?

Steve: There has been a glitch!

Arthur: [Showing Santa the missing present] A Glitch? We have missed a child!

Santa: Really? Oh dear! Oh Dear! That is awful, How did you let it happen, Steve?

Steve: How did I...? I thought it was your mission!

Santa: This is your department!

Arthur: What are we going to do?

Santa: We must... um... What must we do, Steve?

Steve: There is nothing to do! The mission was successful!

Arthur: But we cannot leave a child out of Christmas?

Steve: [Checking out details on the computer of the destination and the time of sunrise] Sunrise at destination is 7:39 AM! There is no way to get there on time, except, of course for the S-1!

Santa: The S-1? Right then, let's do it!

Steve: No! That is not a good idea! The S-1 has already traveled some Seven Million miles! We could damage it!

Santa: Oh Dear!

Steve: Not only that, but we could also risk the lives of the elves

Santa: Oh Deary me!

Arthur: [In Cayo Confites, Cuba, Arthur picks up Gwen's letter that almost got burnt because Bryony accidentally put it in a fire at the beach and realizes the picture is of Santa] This Picture, This Drawing! It isn't of Dad, or You, or Steve! This is Santa! Ha-Ha! And as long as we can get the bike to Gwen before dawn, then Santa CAME! AND HE CARES! Ha-Ha!

Arthur: [the Reindeer picks up the Slipper, Arthur picks up the bike and starts singing and dancing] Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to reach Gwen Hines on Christmas Day, Wha-Hey!

[the Boat on the island has been taken away by Arthur and he has written a message in the sand where it used to sit saying "SORRY I BORROWED THIS]

Arthur: [the next scene where Arthur is rowing Grandsanta & Bryony across the Atlantic Ocean, 3000 miles to Trelew, England] Jingle Bells! This Boat Smells! Three Thousand miles to go!

Grandsanta: [Arthur, Grandsanta & Bryony are in the middle of the Atlantic] I've seen this before! Sleigh fever they call it! The Pressure of Christmas sends a man doo-lellied-tap! Santa Claus XVI of 1802! Every child that year got a sausage nailed to a piece of bark!

Bryony: [Arthur labours to row the boat across the ocean, he makes the boat jerk and soaks Bryony & Grandsanta with the oars] Arthur! Do you really think you can row the Atlantic Ocean in the next

Bryony: [Calculates the time on her HO-HO] Thirty-seven minutes?

Arthur: [Continues labouring to row across the Atlantic Ocean] It's not too late yet! We just have to keep going!

Grandsanta: We need a blunt Instrument, knock him out and then regroup

Bryony: [Bryony's HO-HO claims that they are going round in circles] You do know that we are going round in circles?

Grandsanta: Do you know? We are not the only ones! Maybe I will see Evie again!

Arthur: What do you mean?

Grandsanta: Reindeer are brave, powerful beasts, but they are also dappled creatures with twigs on their heads! They will just keep going in straight lines right around the world. They will be way up in the sky, flying at unimaginable speeds, but they'll pass right over our heads!

Arthur: Great! We CAN get the sleigh back!

Arthur: [Using the flashlights on his Christmas slippers to read the letter from Gwen after discovering that the missed present was the bike for Gwen Hines] It just can't be, It can't be, just can't be, it j-j-j-just CAN'T BE!

Grandsanta: [Overhearing the commotion] What is all this fuss about, Young man?

Arthur: Grandsanta, It is this little girl, She has been missed!

Grandsanta: Ha-Ha! So much for your brother's fancy-pants technology!

Arthur: Back there, Steven's dad but that's impossible!

Grandsanta: Is it now? Missed a child? Dear, Oh Dear, it sends shivers up and down my shin

Arthur: In two hours, she is going to wake up, tear downstairs, search under the tree and... The look on her face! When she finds that there is nothing there, she won't understand! She will think that she is the only one kid in the whole world that Santa does not care about! She will feel so left out!

[Fixes the picture in his room and switches on the fairy lights in his room]

Arthur: On Christmas night, HE COMES! Gwen cannot fail to have a present from Santa!

Grandsanta: Do you know Arthur? There IS a way!

Arthur: It's impossible!

Grandsanta: They used to say that it was impossible to teach women to read! Follow me!

Bryony: When you put the address into the Ho-Ho what did you see?

Arthur: [Realising they are in Mexico after seeing a poster saying "El Burrito de Mexico" and seeing everything written in Spanish] I Saw a list of Trelews, I Just clicked on the first one!

Bryony: Which was not Trelew, England! We're in the Wrong Trelew!

Grandsanta: [At the tractor dealership in Idaho, Arthur is trying to remove a golden reindeer from the 'Leaping Deer Autos' sign] Bash it with a brick, Arthur! Go on!

Arthur: [Struggling to remove the reindeer on top of the roof] It just won't...

Bryony: It may just be a wrapping operative, sir, but this contravenes specific mission regulations!

Grandsanta: I'm in charge here, not Billy the Bureaucratic!

Arthur: [Almost removing the reindeer] It's Stuck!

Grandsanta: [to Bryony] Elf! Wrap your head!

Grandsanta: [to Arthur] Come on, Lad, you're as much use as a cheese chopstick!

Arthur: Got it! Oh NO!

[Gasps]

Grandsanta: Oh my big old Betty, It will have to do, Pass it down!

Bryony: [whimpering] There isn't enough room to breathe! I've got nine seconds left before I black out!

Grandsanta: One Breath

Bryony: [Seeing the lights in the tractor dealership owner's house switch on] Sir!

Grandsanta: [to Bryony] Just One Breath!

[to Arthur]

Grandsanta: Hurry Up Arthur!

Arthur: But don't we need a whole one to balance the sleigh!

Grandsanta: Oh it won't balance the sleigh! If anything it will only slow us down

Arthur: So why are we taking it?

Grandsanta: It's for Gwen! Eight beautiful reindeer! That is what she is dreaming of, The Jingly bells, the sleigh on the roof...

Grandsanta: [to Bryony] What now?

Bryony: [She whimpers through the wrapping and opens it] We have a waker, Sir!

Arthur: [the sleigh is flying across Toronto, it traverses across a curved building and people inside see it] They can see us!

Grandsanta: Well, pull the camouflage lever!

Grandsanta: [Arthur pulls the wrong lever and the sleigh transforms into something that looks like a steam locomotive] Not that one, that's a steam train!

Arthur: There is a Child without a present!

Steve: Arthur! Christmas is not a time for emotion!

Arthur: Why are we taking this reindeer? It isn't a real one! It's a fake!

Grandsanta: It is for Gwen! Eight beautiful reindeer! Isn't that what she is dreaming of? The jingly bells, The Sleigh on the roof! Not some kind of spaceship! We are supposed to be giving her the star treatment!

[to Bryony]

Grandsanta: What is the matter now?

Bryony: [the owner of Leaping Dear Autos investigates what is going on] We have a waker, Sir!

Grandsanta: [Arthur, Grandsanta & Bryony have just left Idaho with the fake reindeer attached to the sleigh, they are halfway across the Atlantic Ocean] Christmas 1923, I had a heart attack at the reigns. Left ventricle popped out my mouth, pushed it back down and carried on.

Arthur: [looks over the ledge of the sleigh and sees nothing but water all around] Big isn't it? The Atlantic! Do you think we should stop and ask someone?

Grandsanta: Fishy nibbles, come on, we are nearly there!

[points to a slow moving streak of light]

Grandsanta: You see, I take the north star, there, a fixed point, and I plot my bearings...

Bryony: That's a plane, Sir!

Grandsanta: It's a Co-ordination, Elf, I'll have you harpooned!

Arthur: [looks down and sees something that looks like an island disappearing under rising sea levels] I thought it would be chillier here in England?

Grandsanta: Globular Warming.

[Sees land ahead and starts heading for it]

Grandsanta: Hah! There it is! Told you!

Arthur: [They land in Tanzania, Africa] Wow! England?

[a huge beetle crawls over Arthur]

Arthur: Yyaaarrggh!

Grandsanta: Maybe we pullled to the right a bit since we're a reindeer short. France! Bonjour! Ou est la Boulangerie?

Arthur: [Hears an Elephant] They have elephants in France?

Grandsanta: The odd stray, they breed in the drains. Come this way, everyone!

[They look around and realize they landed up in some animal sanctuary]

Grandsanta: Paris zoo?

Bryony: [Lions get agitated and start roaring] This must be where they keep the lions!

[Lions and other animals start marching towards everyone]

Arthur: [Passing through the operational area after the quarrel at the dinner table that broke out during the session of Christmas, The Board Game] Steve! Steve! Don't be upset! You Keep this so you can be Santa next time!

Arthur: [Steve takes the Silver model from the game and holds it] That will be you next, Steve! Next year I bet! You will be a great Santa!

Steve: [looks at Arthur then looks down the hall to find that Arthur kept all the doors open] How many times, Arthur? It's the North Pole! Shut the doors, For Goodness Sake!

Bryony: [Arthur, Grandsanta & Bryony have come down from the atmosphere and are gliding towards England] They're waiting for us! We were on the News!

Grandsanta: Older technology against my 'Evie'

Arthur: I know what! Let's do it with worry!

Grandsanta: Santa mustn't be seen, hey lads! Let's give them military soldiers something to shoot at!

[Grandsanta reaches out and presses a bright red button and the sleigh transforms into a flying saucer look-alike]

Grandsanta: [the people at the military base gasp in awe, the sleigh has transformed into a flying saucer and has an alien symbol on it] Take us to your leader!

Gwen: [Gwen's letter to Santa] Dear Santa! Are you real? If you live at the North pole, how come I can't see your house when I look on Google Earth? Are you Saint Nicholas? Because you would be very old! How do you have time to read all the letters from all the children in the world? How many cookies and mince pies have you eaten in all of history? How do you get all the presents in the sack? Does your sack have to get bigger every year because of Exponential Population Growth? And, How do you get down the chimneys? I put my head in mine and it is really small! Even if you could just squeeze down it in just one minute, there are also nine other houses on my block so that would make it about ten minutes and there are millions of roads in the world! It must be so hard being Santa these days. What if after all that, I am staying at my Grandma's? Santa! How can you get round the whole world in just one night? My friends say that you would have to go so fast that it would make you and the sleigh and the reindeers all burn up! For Christmas, I would LOVE a Pink Twinkle Bike complete with stabilizers. But please do not bring it if it makes you and the reindeers burn. Love Gwen Hines, 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew, Cornwall, England.

Arthur: [Arthur hangs up the Picture Gwen drew of Santa and replies] Dear Gwen. Thank you for your Letter and What a Brilliant Picture! Your request for a Pink Twinkle Bike will be passed onto Santa. Yes! Do believe in Santa. He is real! He is the greatest man ever! And he can get around the world to every child without a single reindeer getting roasted ali... hurt. I assure you, by the time the sun rises on Christmas Morning, he will surely get to you using his special magic.

[the Glitter pen that Arthur used to write 'Magic' dissolves into a starry night and the main opening credits roll]

Arthur: This is where they keep the lions!

Grandsanta: They won't eat me. I'm Santa!

Grandsanta: [cowering in the bottom of the sleigh] It's that terrible night all over again.

Arthur: What night?

Grandsanta: Last time I took Evie for a spin. I didn't know it was the Cuban missile crisis! I nearly started World War III.

Grandsanta: It's Christmas!

Arthur: Christmas is for kids. You grow out of it.

Bryony: What, in the last six minutes?

Arthur: I've got a phobia of being beheaded - and heights, and speed, and reindeer, and buttons.

Grandsanta: Buttons?

Arthur: Yeah, I'm pretty much scared of everything.

Santa: [in front of the enraptured elves who start cheering] MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Tonight we delivered Two Billion presents, on this my 70th Mission!

[Steve taps the microphone to make sure it is working]

Santa: Oh Thank you! Didn't I just think that sometimes I could not possibly do it all without you! And my splendid Margaret,

[Camera points to Margaret]

Santa: who stood by me for all these years, being very able doing all that stuff that women do while their husbands are at work, and Arthur doing all that vital work in Maintenance!

Arthur: I work in letters, dad!

Santa: Oh! Letters, Of course, I'm so so sorry!

Arthur: You moved me when I melted down that elf plug!

Santa: Yes! Now! Many years ago, my Father told me

[Camera points to Grandsanta, He grunts and snores]

Santa: that being Santa is the best job in the world! He was right! I Loved It! I can't wait for year 71!

Santa: [the elves start cheering] Merry Christmas Everyone!

Arthur: [Opening a Christmas cracker, having Christmas dinner with the family round at the dinner table at the North Pole's Residential Quarters] What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?... Tinselitis!

[laughs hysterically]

Arthur: Isn't this the best bit of Christmas?

Mrs. Santa: It certainly is, Arthur! The whole family together!

Mrs. Santa: [to Santa] How about a toast, Malcolm?

Santa: Oh... mmm... , Well, here's to me, to an even better job next year!

[Everybody cheers]

Arthur: You're already the perfect dad!

Grandsanta: Hah! That turkey did more than him!

[Starts laughing and looses his false teeth, they land in gravy]

Santa: You wouldn't understand, Father! I've rather moved things on since your day, Hey Steve?

Grandsanta: [Gets his false teeth back and continues eating his meal] Forget Techno Tommy, he's texting on his calculator after every job

[laughs]

Steve: [Clearing out his inbox on his HO-HO] It's a Hand-held Operational and Homing Organizer, The HO-HO 3000!

Grandsanta: Whooooh! Whoopy-doo! Aren't you the Fancy Nancy! Doesn't matter what you come up with, Son, you maybe be the next in line, but you'll never get to be Santa unless you 'Knock Him Off'

Arthur: Hummm! I've got you all a present! After all the hard work, I wanted everyone to have some 'Christmas Fun'

Arthur: [Shows everyone the Game, 'Christmas, The Board Game] Ta-Daah!

Arthur: [to Silica] Oh dear what have you done to me? I'm naked, put my ship back on you perverted fembot!

Arthur: [pulling potions from his backpack] What the...? They're all purple!

Natalie: I mixed in Kool-aid.

Arthur: No!

Natalie: I didn't open the black one.

Tim: You don't just mix Kool-Aid with potions! That's how you tell, like, uh, which one's which!

Natalie: Ever heard of labels?

Laura: Oh, is he cute?

Arthur: Permission to barf!

Laura: Denied, soldier. I just got the old shoe smell out of this car. I am not in the market for a new odor.

Arthur: We'll split up.

Tim: Can I go with you?

Arthur: Yeah, except that will kind of ruin the whole "splitting up" thing.

Tim: I gotta get home. I'm behind in my science fair project, and I've got a book report due tomorrow, and this is...

Arthur: Wait-wait-wait. What's the book?

Tim: Um... Oh, Watership Down.

Arthur: And how far did you get?

Tim: There's a rabbit on the cover.

Arthur: I read that book last year.

Tim: Yeah?

Arthur: Yeah. It's about these rabbits. They live in a hotel.

Tim: You mean it?

Arthur: Yeah, and they're twins. Their names are Zack and Cody.

Arthur: You don't wanna eat me. I mean, I'll give you diarrhea, or... or SOMETHING!

Arthur: You saved my life. The least I can do is save your teeth.

Natalie: What about me?

Arthur: You're back-up.

Natalie: What does THAT mean?

Arthur: You back us up!

Arthur: Stop signs don't count in car chases.

Laura: Every time you get caught, you think you have to lie your way out. What do you want to end up, a politician?

Arthur: I will neither confirm or deny that.

Arthur: Seven simple rules of going into hiding: one, never trust a cop in a raincoat. Two, beware of enthusiasm and of love, both are temporary and quick to sway. Three, if asked if you care about the world's problems, look deep into the eyes of he who asks, he will never ask you again. Four, never give your real name. Five, if ever asked to look at yourself, dont. Six, never do anything the person standing in front of you cannot understand. And finlly seven, never create anything, it will be misinterpreted, it will chain you and follow you for the rest of your life.

Arthur: I accept chaos. I don't know whether it accepts me.

Arthur: Silence, experience shows, is what terrifies people most.

[first lines]

Narrator: There he lies. God rest his soul, and his rudeness. A devouring public can now share the remains of his sickness, and his phone numbers. There he lay: poet, prophet, outlaw, fake, star of electricity. Nailed by a peeping tom, who would soon discover...

Jude: A poem is like a naked person...

Narrator: even the ghost was more than one person.

Arthur: ...but a song is something that walks by itself.

Arthur: Y'know, it's nature's will. And I'm against nature. I don't dig nature at all.

Arthur: Woody Guthrie was dead, Little Richard was becoming a preacher, so whether you're a folksinger or a Christian, Rock'n'Roll was the devil.

Arthur: May I take your trident, sir?

Arthur: [greeting a returning Freddy] Welcome to Hell.

Vada: Arthur!

Arthur: Vada!

Vada: I beat Thomas J in Monopoly yesterday.

Arthur: Good for you, baby.

Vada: Once you put the hotels on Board Walk and Park Place you're a shoe in for the win.

Arthur: I like to buy off all the railroads.

Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?

Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.

Arthur: How will we stop an army of the dead at our castle walls? How will you fight that? With more words? Most of our people have already fled. We are but sixty men.

Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!

Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!

Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian: Now, fuck off!

[silence]

Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!

Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.

Arthur: Something funny about that bloke.

George (First Footman): His accent for a start.

Arthur: George has had his revenge on Mr. Denton- hot coffee in the lap.

Arthur: We knew it wouldn't work, even before we met her.

Arthur: Hobson?

Hobson: Yes.

Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do?

Hobson: No, I don't.

Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.

Hobson: I'll alert the media.

Arthur: [rises] Do you want to run my bath for me?

Hobson: That's what I live for.

[Arthur exits]

Hobson: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.

Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.

Arthur: It'd have to be a real BIG woman.

Arthur: You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!

Arthur: I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.

Arthur: Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Maybe some of us drink because we're not poets.

Arthur: What are you doing later tonight?

Linda: Oh, I have plans for tonight. What should I wear?

Hobson: Steal something casual.

Arthur: It's terribly small, tiny little country. Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war. THAT'S how small it is.

Arthur: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.

Hobson: Yes, bathing is a lonely business.

Arthur: Except for fish.

Hobson: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"?

Arthur: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson?

Hobson: Pardon me...

[rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head]

[Arthur suddenly laughs uproariously]

Gloria: What's so funny now?

Arthur: Sometimes I just think funny things.

Burt Johnson: I don't drink because drinking affects your decision-making.

Arthur: You may be right. I can't decide.

Burt Johnson: Hello, Arthur.

Arthur: Hello, Mr. Johnson.

Burt Johnson: I haven't seen much of you lately.

Arthur: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink?

Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.

Arthur: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!

Arthur: [pointing at a mounted moose on the wall] Where's the rest of this moose?

Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.

Arthur: I do too. That's why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.

Arthur: [patting the moose] I don't have to tell you that.

Arthur: You must've hated this moose.

Burt Johnson: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment!

Arthur: [looks at the moose; then, to Burt] Right.

Arthur: I've never taken care of anybody. Everybody's always taken care of me. But if you got sick, or anything, I'd take care of you.

Linda: Then I'll get sick.

Arthur: [waiting at Arthur's father's office] I hate it here!

Hobson: Of course you hate it. People work here.

Hobson: Would you remove your helmet, please?

Arthur: Why?

Hobson: Please.

[Arthur hands him his helmet]

Hobson: Thank you. Now your goggles.

Arthur: Why?

Hobson: Please.

[Arthur hands him his goggles]

Hobson: Thank you.

[slaps him across the face repeatedly]

Hobson: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.

Perry's Wife: [screams] MY HUSBAND HAS A GUN!

Arthur: I'm sure he does, madam. For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.

Gloria: My mother died when I was six.

Arthur: [bangs his fist on the table] Son of a bitch! Don't they know what they do to kids?

Gloria: My father raped me when I was twelve.

Arthur: So, you had six relatively good years? I'm sorry. Listen, my father screwed me, too.

Arthur: [to the mounted moosehead in Burt's den] This must be awfully embarrassing for you.

Arthur: Have you ever been on a yacht?

Linda: No, is it wonderful?

Arthur: It doesn't suck.

Arthur: He's taking the knife out of the cheese!

Linda: Oh, my God!

Arthur: Do you think he wants some cheese?

Linda: No, I think we're gonna die!

Arthur: [a very intoxicated Arthur is addressing the congregation of attendees for his wedding] ummmm... ummmm... Ladies and gentlemen... I'm sorry... As you probably have surmised by now... there will be no wedding. The bride... has had second thoughts... and has decided not to marry me... Most of you know me... Can you blame her?

Arthur: Do you HATE Perry's wife?

Susan: Arthur, will you take my hand?

Arthur: That would leave you with one!

Arthur: [while taking a bath] God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson?

Hobson: Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits.

Arthur: A hot bath is wonderful... Girls are WONDERFUL!

Hobson: Yes, imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be. Get dressed.

Arthur: They recently had the whole country carpeted. This is *not* a big place.

Arthur: Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't you wish you were me? I know I do.

Arthur: [soliciting a prostitute] What I had in mind was spending the night with a stranger who loves me.

Gloria: Gonna cost you a hundred bucks.

Arthur: Oh, yeah? What time do you get off?

[bursts out laughing]

Arthur: Oh, that's funny!

Burt Johnson: [smiling broadly] When I was 11 years old, I KILLED a man.

Arthur: Well, when you're 11 you probably don't even know there's a law against that. Is Susan here?

Burt Johnson: I knew what I was doing. We were poor. He came into our house to steal our food.

Arthur: Well, he was asking for it.

Burt Johnson: I took a knife, and I killed him in the kitchen.

Arthur: You, uh... probably ate out that night, what with that man lying in your kitchen.

Burt Johnson: You seem to find humor in everything.

Arthur: Yeah, sorry.

Arthur: [to Susan] Do you have any objection to naming a child Vladimir? Even a girl?

[in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag]

Arthur: Hobson, did you see that?

Hobson: [wearily] Yes.

Arthur: She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.

Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?

Arthur: Do you want anything?

Hobson: I want to be younger.

Arthur: Sorry, it's your job to be older.

Arthur: Hobson, do you know the worst part, the WORST part of being me?

Hobson: I should imagine your breath.

Arthur: Bitterman! Do you want to double your salary?

Bitterman: Yes sir!

Arthur: Then open that door!

Arthur: All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.

Arthur: [to Burt Johnson's servant] Are you sure you want to be a nightclub comic?

Arthur: I just told Linda I was getting engaged.

Hobson: I don't know why; a little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.

Gloria: So, how rich are you?

Arthur: Let's put it this way, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.

Arthur: Girls, girls, girls! Hello girls!

[Lounge comedian is talking with audience members]

Comedian: How'd ya die?

Arthur: I was in a coma.

Comedian: I'm sorry. How long were you in the coma?

Arthur: I really don't know.

Comedian: Let's play a game, Art. Elvis: living or dead?

Arthur: Living.

Comedian: Long coma, Art. Long coma.

Arthur: We shouldn't get married... we have nothing in common. You love horses. I don't trust them. Their shoes are permanent. Who makes that kind of a commitment to a shoe?

Police Sergeant: You're drunk again Arthur

Arthur: No... I have remained drunk since our last encounter

Hobson: My Name is Lillian and I am an alcoholic. I'm rich, I'm fabulously rich. I'm also generous and kind hearted. My father died when I was young and my mother was absent most of the time. Is this an excuse for making a mockery of my life? Oh it all looks very wild from the outside, I once went to bed with three European Princesses at the same time but A, I cant remember anything about it, and B, apparently I vomited over two of them before losing control of my bladder on the third, oh yes all such fun. Until the fog parts and suddenly there's a hole so big that all the vintage champagne and all the bat mobiles on the world can't fill it. Then I'm all alone on my magnetic bed, wondering what venereal disease I've just caught.

Arthur: Always the quiet ones.

Arthur: Why didn't you tell me before?

Hobson: I didn't want you to feel bad.

Arthur: Why are you telling me now?

Hobson: Because I want you to feel bad.

Arthur: Tiffany, this is my nanny Hobson, my best friend in the whole world.

Tiffany: Your nanny?

Hobson: Hes merely shaped like an adult.

Arthur: Could I stay for a minute, please?

Naomi Quinn: Why?

Arthur: Because it will reduce the proportion of my life that I spend feeling totally miserable.

Arthur: What was that?

Susan: A French kiss.

Arthur: Really? Because the French always surrender, that was decidedly German.

Hobson: [Holding up Tiffany's Bra] I wouldn't recommend letting him get used to your breasts dear, hes got an addictive personality. He was at mine till he was six.

Arthur: Hobson!

Hobson: I had to dab tabasco on the nipples to see him off

Arthur: That lady has never once breastfed me

Hobson: Despite his best efforts.

Susan: You're running from yourself Arthur.

Arthur: I wish I was, because I'd let me get away.

Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.

Hobson: I'll alert the media.

Arthur: Grape shears, what an innovation! You can use them for my castration!

Arthur: Congratulations, you're winning the dead parent game. But it's not too late to run home and butcher my mother.

Arthur: Could you detach the half-naked business woman from under my bed?

Arthur: I know what a jobs are, Snobson.

Arthur: Hello Hobson!

Hobson: Morning Arthur. And Friend.

Arthur: [Points at Tiffany] Tiffany.

Hobson: Ohhh, Points for knowing her name and saying it with confidence.

Arthur: I made a Mental association with my lamp.

Arthur: Who wouldn't want to marry a sexy clown.

Arthur: I'm talking about Tuscany! White truffle gelato! Have you ever tried white truffle gelato? It makes all other gelato taste like shit.

Arthur: First your father and then the horse - when will my testicles get some rest?

Arthur: Look! It's orphan Annie, but as a man. Orphan Mannie!

JCVD: Once in the film "Hard Target", I took a shot from a blank. It took salts to reanimate me.

Arthur: "Hard Target"! John Woo! What an ass!

JCVD: Don't say that!

Arthur: C'mon, Jean-Claude, wait a sec!

[to the hostages, referring to Van Damme]

Arthur: He's the one who brought him to the US. Without him, he'd still be filming pigeons in Hong Kong!

[to Van Damme]

Arthur: And then what? He drops you!

JCVD: At least, he did "Face/Off".

Arthur: So what? He could've picked you!

JCVD: Yeah... yeah.

Arthur: On the other hand, when you see "Windtalkers", there's a justice... Got any new projects?

JCVD: Not for now.

Arthur: I saw a thing on the web, what's it called? P-P-Pu-Plur...

JCVD: Purple. "Purple Amulet".

Arthur: What about it?

JCVD: Steven Seagal got the part.

Arthur: What?

JCVD: Steven Seagal got the part.

Arthur: Steven Seagal? You're ten times better!

JCVD: Well, he cut off his couette.

Arthur: His what?

JCVD: His couette. His ponytail. For the first time!

Arthur: Oh, I see... That's a tough one...

Arthur: You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.

Arthur: The situation couldn't be clearer. But what's not clear is the part I'll be playing.

Arthur: In ten minutes, downstairs, in the car.

Odile: How do you know I'm coming?

Arthur: Now, in nine minutes 56 seconds.

Odile: What's your family name, Arthur?

Arthur: Rimbaud.

Odile: What do you see in me?

Arthur: And you in me?

Odile: I don't know. A husband.

Arthur: Is that what interests you? What exactly does it mean to you?

Odile: It means offering your breasts and your thighs.

Arthur: Ever kiss a guy?

Odile: Sure I have.

Arthur: You know how?

Odile: Sure, with the tongue.

Hobson: [Arthur is conversing with the ghost of Hobson] Arthur, I've seen your son.

Arthur: [Arthur, inebriated, looks stricken] Oh!

Hobson: I've told him all about you. But he still wants to meet you very much.

Arthur: Ah, old man, you're not playing fair!

Susan: Weren't we happy, Arthur?

Arthur: Of course. Then we met.

Arthur: What can I do Hobson? I mean what would you do if you were me?

Hobson: The word "bathe" comes to mind.

Arthur: Yesterday I sold some blood at a hospital.

Hobson: Hospital? I should've thought a local distillery would have paid you much more.

Bitterman: Mr. Bach?

Arthur: Bitterman! How the hell are you?

Bitterman: Sir, what are you doing here?

Arthur: They said I'd never make it Bitterman, they said the city would eat me alive. But now look at me, I got my own pail and my own squeegee, I showed them ALL!

Martha Bach: Arthur?

Arthur: Martha!

Martha Bach: Arthur, what are you doing?

Arthur: Well, I was...

Martha Bach: Are you going to marry Susan Johnson or not?

Arthur: I already told you Martha, I can't!

Martha Bach: Enough is enough, Arthur. Marry the bitch!

Arthur: You marry her Martha!

Arthur: Where's Mrs. Bach? Is she...

Fairchild: Madam awoke early. She had some phone calls to make.

Arthur: Ah. Ah, well in that case, put on one of her nightgowns and come in here, would you?

Fairchild: Sir?

Arthur: Oh, come on, Fairchild. I know you want it. I've seen the way you look at me.

Arthur: [Fairchild heads towards the closet] Hey! Fairchild, I'm kidding! I'm kidding. God, it's the truth. Don't they ever kid each other on your planet?

Arthur: [in disguise, using a false British accent] I'll have a double Martini.

[the bartender reaches for small glass]

Arthur: No, not in that glass.

[points to large martini glass with his cane]

Arthur: *That* one.

Bartender with Big Glass: That one is for display, sir.

Arthur: It'll do just fine.

Sparks: Are either of you Greek?

Arthur: No.

Maurice: Well, yes, actually I'm half-Greek.

Sparks: Top half or bottom half?

[last lines]

Maurice: [toasting] To life.

Arthur: And its many deaths.

Arthur: Oh, no! We're going to die! We're going to...

Maurice: Don't you see? This will be your great dramatic death!

Arthur: I DON'T WANT A REAL ONE!

Arthur: [as a cockney beggar] Please, sir, I want some more. Y'see, sir, I've not eaten for fourteen days since me mum died of the group.

Maurice: Croup.

Arthur: Croup. Of the croup, she died, leaving me and my mentally ill brother, 'ere, to fend for ourselves. Murdered, she was, in 'er bed by one of 'er johns. Y'see, sir, she sold 'erself to feed us. She compromised 'erself for oursakes, leaving us all alone and 'ungry and 'omeless and my poor brother needs a brain operation and my glaucoma's gettin' worse and sir... SIR!... SIR? I can't see you sir! I can't see you sir! AHH... AHH... I'M BLIND!... AHHHHHHH!

Maurice: So I insult him?

Arthur: Yeah, yeah, tell him you think his pastries are no good, okay?

Maurice: Oh, good idea, good idea.

Arthur: Yeah. Say that they're stale.

Maurice: Hey, buddy, your pastries are stale!

Arthur: Right, but don't say buddy, just say ssss... sss... you're sss...

Maurice: Your pastries are stale!

Arthur: Yeah, you, your pastries are stale!

Arthur: My point is, sir, that you would not know a good creampuff if it jumped up and licked you on the ass.

Maurice: [has just finished eating a pastry; part of a scheme to get free pastries] I hate them.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Oh, I'm sorry; to each his own. There's another bakery shop down the block whose wares might be more to your liking. Thank you for coming in.

[to Arthur]

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: May I help you, sir?

Arthur: Yes, would you excuse me a moment? I'm sorry,

[to Maurice]

Arthur: I couldn't help but overhear, excuse me, sir, um, but may I say that your rudeness to this hard-working gentleman is uncalled for.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Please, sir

Maurice: I beg your pardon.

Arthur: No, I beg yours, sir. I happen to know that this gentleman

[refers to the baker]

Arthur: is one of the finest pastry chefs on the Eastern seaboard.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Well, thank you.

Arthur: You're welcome.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Do I know you?

Arthur: Of course you do.

Maurice: What's your point?

Arthur: My point is, sir, that you would not know a good creampuff if it jumped up and licked you on the ass.

Maurice: Well...

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Sir, it's just a difference in taste.

Arthur: No, no. this man is clearly an imbecile.

Maurice: Ah, an insult!

[quietly to Arthur]

Maurice: I'm in-I'm insulted?

Arthur: Yes.

Maurice: I'm insulted! Well, I am!

Arthur: Oh, well good-good-good-good! Well, I'm glad you are! But I'm sure you're not as insulted as this gentleman!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Oh, I'm not insulted.

Arthur: Oh, yes you are! The man works all day like a mule to support his miserable family.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Well, here now, my family isn't miserable. We're all quite happy!

Arthur: No, you're not! You're miserable and pathetic, look at you!

[ignoring his protest]

Arthur: All day, working like a lackey from rise to set sweating in the eye of Phoebus!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: I love my work!

Arthur: No, you don't!

[first lines]

Maurice: [as they discuss an act which they did] I'm sorry.

Arthur: You stole my death.

Arthur: What a fool you are!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: I am *not* a fool!

Arthur: Oh, yes you are!

Maurice: Sir, you really sholdn't talk to this gentleman that way. You like the cream puffs. I *don't* like the cream puffs.

Arthur: FUCK THE CREAM PUFFS! THIS MAN IS A SLAVE AND AN IDIOT!

Lily 'Lil': [after hearing Arthur reminisce on Paris] You know Paris quite well.

Maurice: He's never been there.

Arthur: Not physically.

Marco: [Arthur and Maurice explain that the First Mate has planted bombs aboard the ship, but Marco doesn't understand] He's a gardener?

Arthur: What?

Marco: Well, how many bulbs did he plant?

Maurice: [the two are in disguise and Arthur is using a British accent] Should I have an accent, too?

Arthur: What kind?

Maurice: I've always wanted to try Indian.

Arthur: Yeah, but you don't really look Indian.

Arthur: No we can't do it, Olive and I have not performed together for too long.

Olive: Well that's true.

Stan Butler: I was only asking you to do the foxtrot, not bleedin' 'Last Tango in Paris'.

Olive: Will you come with me?

Arthur: Don't talk wet.

Arthur: With the grace of God I'll have to go to confession in the morning.

Wally Briggs: Did you hear that?

Mrs. Briggs: Yes but don't let it give you ideas.

Olive: Ere Arthur, as mums got the kid in with her we've got the bedroom to ourselves, be like a second honeymoon. Coming to bed now Arthur?

Arthur: [Looking at floor] I do believe this needs another scrub

Olive: But if you do that I might be asleep when you come in.

Arthur: Oh dear me.

Arthur: [Seeing Olive's swimming costume - a bikini] Have you gone raving mad? What made you buy that?

Arthur: Everybody out - no-one's allowed in the pool till that lady's covered up.

[Pointing to Olive]

Arthur: .

Stan Butler: Cor blimey what a sight!

Olive: Oh Arthur, the smell of paint might keep me up all night...

Arthur: The state my back's in nothing else will!

Arthur: You stupid great lump! Now I'll have to go through that whole performance again. With my back it'll be the death of me.

Wally Briggs: Hello Olive love, you looked better in your nightie!

Arthur: What does he mean by that?

Arthur: Warren made love last night.

Junie Moon: That's good.

Arthur: To a woman... a beautiful woman named Solana.

Junie Moon: I guess people can't help what their name is.

Junie Moon: Do you know what I'd like?

Arthur: What?

Junie Moon: A big, *HUGE*, *PINK*... cotton candy!

[first lines]

Donald: Come in. Oh it's you. I'm sorry Arthur, I thought it was the babysitter.

Arthur: Just what do you have against babysitters?

Arthur: [singing] Darlene a song for darling, Darlene.

Arthur: Are you as pretty as your name? My guess is yes!

Arthur: I see you've had an accident. Back in Catholic Boys' School we used to call them "Nocturnal Emissions." It always made me think of Chopin; Nocturnal Emissions in G Minor.

Perry: One thing you are NOT is a big queen.

Arthur: You're right, I'm butch; I can catch a ball, I genuinely like both my parents, and I hate opera. I don't know why I bother being gay.

Arthur: What room are you in?

Buzz: The little horror under the eaves. I call it "The Patty Hearst Memorial Closet"

[shrinking into chair in fear and dread]

Tommy: What are they rioting about, daddy?

Arthur: You don't know? And you took sides?

Tommy: I didn't!

Arthur: "Our ones?"

Arthur: When mammy and I argue, whose side do you take?

Tommy: Nobody's. I just turn the TV up.

Tommy: What if we start throwing bricks at each other?

Tommy: Don't be daft.

Arthur: Could be you and me, son.

Tommy: How do you and mammy sort it out?

Arthur: Compromise.

[as a man is about to be hung]

Bill: That's a fine locket. I'll give you a dollar for it.

Arthur: It was me mother's...

Bill: Dollar and a half?

Arthur: Done.

Arthur: You know each other?

Dominique 'Do': What's it to you?

Arthur: [leaving] I'm going to the kitchen. I'll need to talk to you.

Dominique 'Do': He bugs me.

Ugo: I think I bug him, too.

Dominique 'Do': It's not you. It's you being with me.

Ugo: Really?

Dominique 'Do': He's not my brother. He's my half-brother. He has no rights over me.

Wizard: Hola music lovers! While the cat's away-

[He sees the pizza box on the ground]

Wizard: oh. who likes pizza?

[Arthur tries to sneak away]

Wizard: Arthur.

[gestures for Arthur to come here]

Wizard: What is he?

Backbeat: He's a damn fool!

Wizard: What are you Arthur?

Arthur: I'm a real piece of work, Wizard.

Wizard: [Wizard points his switch blade at Arthur] You're on thin ice.

Arthur: I didn't take no family money. He bought it

[points to August]

Arthur: [August stares at Wizard]

Wizard: What?

August Rush: You look crazy.

Wizard: I am crazy! RAAAHHH!

[August flinches]

Wizard: [smugly] See? Come here. C'mon. NOW!

[August walks over nervously]

Wizard: What are you doing here?

August Rush: I followed the music.

Wizard: [Wizard looks at him for a second then cracks up] Where'd you get this one Arthur? Belevieu?

Wizard: [Wizard looks at August's hands] You never played a note in your life. You know what music is? It's God's little reminder that there's something else in this universe besides us. Harmonic connection between everything, even the stars.

August Rush: Is this a school?

Arthur: Yeah, the school of "Screw You and Take All Your Damn Money"!

Backbeat: Yeah, we're top of the class!

Wizard: NOT! It's a business. POCKETS!

Arthur: [August puts a dollar in Arthur's guitar case] Okay citizen, you paid, any requests?

August Rush: No.

Arthur: Alrighty then!

Arthur: [talking to August] Naw, I ain't got no family. My pops was a drunk. My mom, she ran off with this crackhead named Lil' Jesus. But he wasn't no Lil' Jesus, you know what I'm saying?

Arthur: What?

August Rush: I don't have a place to stay

Arthur: Do I look like a real estate tycoon to you?

[August shrugs]

Arthur: How many dead presidents you got?

[August looks at him blankly]

Arthur: Nuggets? Shorts? Show me the money!

[August takes out a wad of cash]

Arthur: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

August Rush: No, I'm thinking something else

Arthur: We all gonna be big stars some day.

Roller Bull: You better hurry before Wizard shows. He'll be pissed when he sees you bought a pie!

Arthur: I didn't take no family money. Citizen bought it.

Mandy: I just, uh... don't think I have what you're looking for.

Arthur: See, I think you do, actually.

Mandy: Oh, yeah? And what makes you think so?

Arthur: Well, that smile for one thing.

Mandy: Well, smiles lie.

Arthur: Exactly.

Emanuel: [about his meeting Linda] What was that?

Arthur: My heart pumping blood to everything else.

[repeated line]

Arthur: [to a resurrected Alice] Back to the trees and into the woods

Arthur: [about a now possessed Alice] Don't look at her

Arthur: [Chasing Dracula] even if he gets away.

Doctor Van Helsing: [shouts loudly] He would hide in the castle vaults for years! We would lose him there!

Arthur: And Mina.

Arthur: [Van Helsing prepares to stake Lucy] Is there no other way? It's horrible.

Doctor Van Helsing: Please try and understand this is not Lucy the sister you loved. It's only a shell possessed and corrupted by the evil of Dracula. To liberate her soul and give her peace we must destroy that shell for all time. Believe me there is no other way.

Arthur: [talking to to Van Helsing] Rest, have yourself some wine, I'm sure you could use both. Gerda, would you fetch another bottle.

Gerda: I don't like to. You know what happened last time I disobeyed Mrs. Holmwood's orders.

Arthur: What do you mean?

Gerda: Madam told the other day that on no account I was to go into the cellar.

Doctor Van Helsing: [Van Helsing realizes that's where Dracula was hiding he goes to the cellar finds his coffin and Dracula who locks him in] Holmwood! Holmwood!

Doctor Van Helsing: I'm sorry, Mr. Holmwood, but I really cannot tell you anything more about how he died.

Arthur: Cannot or will not?

Doctor Van Helsing: Whichever you wish.

Arthur: Dr. Van Helsing, I am not at all satisfied. You suddenly appear and tell us that Jonathan Harker is dead. And yet you will not tell us where or how he died. I find it extremely suspicious.

Mina Holmwood: Arthur!

[last lines]

[Arthur points to Dracula who is in the process of attempting to bury Mina]

Arthur: Look!

Arthur: You'd make an excellent model for a musical instrument.

Arthur: Eugene became virtual because he was afraid of aging.

Arthur: One's brain needs to dream in order to reboot.

Arthur: Air only travels one way in an instrument, we must follow the breeze.

[last line]

Arthur: Oh, God, he's dead! Fuck!

[Jack and Arthur are lying down and talking while awaiting deployment]

Jack: Did you hear what Tom did this morning?

Arthur: No.

Jack: He went to see old Nickelby, and asked him if they gave out compassionate leave if there's been a death in the family. So Nickelby said, "Oh, yeah, yeah, depending on the circumstances." And Tom said, "Well, there hasn't been a death in my family yet, but there's going to be one very soon, and I request leave to go home and console my parents."

Arthur: Who have you got waiting for you, Tommy?

Tom: Who have I got?

[pauses]

Tom: Well, there's Mum and Dad, I suppose... and Tina.

Arthur: [smiling] Good for you, mate. Let me guess. She got brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, nice tits, right?

Tom: [grinning] Tina is a cocker spaniel.

[pauses]

Tom: She's a lovely dog.

Arthur: A bitch?

Tom: Yeah, a bitch.

Liza Merrill: Arthur! Where is the doctor?

Arthur: [the door opens] He is on his way...

Liza Merrill: Arthur! What are you doing in my room?

Arthur: I was looking for keys.

Liza Merrill: *Which* keys?

Arthur: I told Ma that I was gonna clean up the rooms, but some of them are locked.

Liza Merrill: Well, l just have to find those keys, Arthur, won't I? Or else we'll simply call a locksmith. In the meantime, could you go up on the roof and check the chimney? I think it is clogged.

Arthur: I heard a car drive up before. Was it Joe?

Liza Merrill: Yeah. Why?

Arthur: It depends which area you're in. If you're in the areas around Chinatown, there's a strange sort of *seafood* smell, whereas in Soho...

George: Oh wow wow wow stop right there! This ain't the fuckin' Discovery Channel!

Arthur: I'm just trying to educate you, that's all.

George: Trust me, there's nothing I wanna know about *shit*.

George: Fucking travesty that's what, I got busted for dealing weed, and that shit's legal now. Had I gotten caught now, for what I had then, they would have thrown *it* down the drain, and not me!

Arthur: Ah, you're a drug dealer, chap I had last week was a pimp!

Arthur: May I be one of the last to congratulate you.

Arthur: [Song] I don't wanna be a millionaire, I just wanna live like one.

Arthur: Is there something going on, Mr. Hunter? Is anything wrong?

Arthur: Arthur, I'm in love.

Arthur: That's very nice, sir.

Ray Hunter: I have to marry four girls.

[turns and exits]

Arthur: [looks a bit baffled] That's not a marriage. That's a merger.

Arthur: What's on your mind?

Charles: The beauty of consciousness is that there is always a choice. Are you saying that you're not conscious?

Arthur: I am. I think.

Arthur: Learn to live with it. War is not beautiful. It is not a natural state. I'm just doing what must be done.

Arthur: [sung in sweat lodge] I'm gonna cut my fingers off and make a necklace for you fat fucks.

Arthur: [after biting the head off a snake and throwing it overboard] ... That's oral tradition!

Arthur: I could scalp him and be a real injun! I should be a real injun, shouldn't I?

Arthur: You hate me, don't you? You hate me so much you're scared shitless! You see, a man tears the wings off a bird and he hates it because it can't fly and then it scares him because he doesn't know what it's good for- floppin' around on the floor like a fish...

Arthur: So! What does a Man Who Talks For Us do for us?

[meeting Peter]

Peter Maguire: So, where you from?

Arthur: Recently?

Peter Maguire: Are you Ojibway?

Arthur: No.

Peter Maguire: Cree?

Arthur: Same thing.

Peter Maguire: No they're not.

Arthur: No?

Peter Maguire: No.

Arthur: Well, do you know about these things?

Peter Maguire: Don't think I'm completely ignorant about the Native cultures. I've read quite a few books on them.

Arthur: Books. Literature. You know, the white man makes me laugh with his writing.

Peter Maguire: Well, the early Huron didn't laugh, they thought writing was magic.

Arthur: Is that a fact? You know, us Indian folks have an oral tradition.

Peter Maguire: I know that.

Arthur: So the Man Who Talks thinks he knows things.

Arthur: You know, maybe if a guy thinks he cuts down our trees, somebody'll cut him. And he'll worry. That'd be something eh? You and me, we could make Bud Rickets worry.

Arthur: Tell 'em that the noise is bothering you. Be polite and see where it gets you with that scum.

[referring to Peter's neighbors]

Arthur: So, you're the superior fucking race?

Female Partier: No.

Arthur: No?

Female Partier: No.

Arthur: You lying to me all this time?

[intimidating Peter's noisy neighbors]

Peter Maguire: This is Tom Starblanket's truck. He's a good friend of mine, he wouldn't want anybody hurt.

Arthur: Do you think if I cut off your little whistle, he'd get mad at me?

Bud Rickets: You've got to clean it first.

[referring to Arthur's fish]

Arthur: It's Indian style. Scales, guts and all.

Bud Rickets: It's not Indian, that's lazy.

Arthur: This is Indian land chief.

Hunter: Actually, I don't think this is Indian land.

Arthur: Well I'm a fucking Indian.

Peter Maguire: We've been kidnapped, there's a man over there.

Arthur: He's confused.

Hunter: Yeah, I think we're all a little bit confused.

Peter Maguire: My name is Peter Maguire, I'm lawyer from Toronto.

Arthur: We're doing a ceremony.

Peter Maguire: You listening to me? I'm a lawyer.

Arthur: We're visiting our mother.

Hunter: Lets get the fuck out of here.

Peter Maguire: What mother? Is his mother my mother, huh?

Arthur: It's a ritual, it's confusing.

Peter Maguire: You disappoint me Arthur. Why you doing this? What's this all about?

Arthur: What, you wanna go with those guys? Catch up.

[referring to hunters]

Peter Maguire: You'd shoot me.

Arthur: Maybe. Might shoot you if you stay too.

Arthur: Do you hear your trees? They're crying.

[sneaking up on Peter and Bud]

Bud Rickets: Indian give me the creeps. It's like they know something we don't.

Bud Rickets: There's things here I don't understand, so enlighten me. Tell me what my mill has destroyed. Tell me about your traditional way of life. Tell me about freezing to death, that was tradition wasn't it? Tell me about your wars. Tell me about your old people. Tell me about your children, starving winter after winter after winter. Tradition! The mill has given you roads, transportation, medical services, stores, schools, decent houses, sewage, plumbing...

Arthur: Reserve plumbing don't work.

Bud Rickets: Well get it fixed chief, it's free! Put your bottle on the table and pick up the phone.

Arthur: Phones don't work.

Bud Rickets: Oh, so it's the phones too, is it?

Arthur: Busted. Everything's busted.

Bud Rickets: Oh poor Arthur. Poor, poor Arthur.

Peter Maguire: What are you doing?

[seeing Bud being skinned]

Arthur: Debarking him.

Arthur: Well, I am your friendly neighborhood cruel Injun.

Arthur: They always wake up gone from what they do.

[referring to foresters]

Arthur: You think I'm cruel. You don't forget about the trees and the kids born stupid and the judges who laugh. You don't forget! Arthur will still be cruel.

Peter Maguire: Is this your revenge?

Arthur: You know that the soldier's used to play catch with the breasts of Navajo women. And they were slippery and hard to hang on to and the soldiers, they'd all laugh. Arthur's cruel and I forget why. Well, it's time for them to pay.

Peter Maguire: How much?

Arthur: More than this.

Peter Maguire: This is enough.

Arthur: Enough? This is nothing, this is only one man's leg. Goddamn you come cheap.

Peter Maguire: Do I have to kill you?

Arthur: [teasingly puts a knife before him] When you use a knife, you gotta get right between the ribs. If you don't, you just rip the skin, the guy bleeds and he gets pissed off.

Peter Maguire: [after holding the knife, slams it back down] Fuck you.

Arthur: You're gonna hang here with the crows and watch the earth as it dies. You're gonna hang there and have a little chat with your God about what you killed. Your God. It's your God, your God that shames this earth!

[to Bud]

Arthur: Do you see?

[looking over the forest]

Bud Rickets: No.

Arthur: You will bloody well hang here until you do. And then you can watch your goddamn machines cut it all down!