Armand Quotes in The Legend of Zorro (2005)

Elena: [referring to the meal] It's unusual... is it quail?

Armand: Pigeon.

[Elena sees the message band attached to the bird and shrieks]

Armand: I don't know why they call it "wine-tasting". After two glasses you can't taste anything.

Aunt Viv: You take good care of her. And no waxing, OK?

Armand: Yes, ma'am. No waxing for her.

Armand: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.

Armand: What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets?

Agador: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.

Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea!

Agador: I know.

Albert: Don't give me that tone!

Armand: What tone?

Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Armand: You're not a woman.

Albert: Oh, you bastard!

Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!

Armand: I made you short?

Armand: Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!

Albert: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?

Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going?

Albert: To Los Copa.

Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light.

Armand: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Armand: My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.

[sigh]

Armand: What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.

Armand: Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.

Agador: Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?

Armand: Your what?

Agador: My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?

Armand: You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.

Albert: No good?

Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

Armand: Is Albert here?

Agador: No.

Armand: Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.

Katherine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet.

Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!

Katherine: I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!

Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."

Albert: Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?

Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Albert: Oh, I could play it straight!

Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!

Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!

Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!

Armand: [to Agador] Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after fucking Albert.

[Exits]

Val: You... can *cook*, right?

Agador: Your father seems to think so...

Armand: Now take that wig off or I'll tell Albert you're wearing it.

Agador: You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing somebody else while he's on the stage.

Armand: I have two words for you: green card.

Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast!

Armand: So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."

Armand: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...

Val: [Agador is dancing by the pool] Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening?

Armand: There are no straight maids in South Beach.

Armand: So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.

Armand: A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.

Agador: When you gonna let me audition for you again?

Armand: When you have talent.

Albert: You don't love me anymore, Armand.

Armand: Oh, shit.

Armand: Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.

Louise Keeley: [hearing Albert's wails] Is someone else home?

Armand: Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.

Armand: Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!

Armand: It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

Armand: Agador, you're gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler.

Agador: No! I'm gonna look like a fag!

Armand: Maybe, but you'll look like a fag in a uniform.

Armand: What is that crap you served us?

Agador: It's Guatemalan Peasant Soup.

Armand: What's Guatemalan Peasant Soup?

Agador: I don't know, I made it up. I made it up!

Armand: Agador!

Val: Spartacus!

Armand: Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.

Albert: Here, let me help you lean on it.

Armand: I think I need a doctor.

Albert: Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen!

Armand: [pulls away] Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray.

Albert: [grabs him] You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby!

[opens door]

Albert: Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!

Val: I'm getting married.

Armand: Ohh.

[He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go]

Val: It's a girl. Are you upset?

Armand: Let me tell you why.

Armand: Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show.

Albert: Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can...

Armand: Let me do this, Albert.

Armand: You look like Lucy's stunt double.

Agador: [dancing around in red wig cleaning] No actually I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky

Armand: That's horrifying.

Agador: My father was the shaman of his tribe and my mother was the high priestess.

Armand: So why the hell did they move to New Jersey?

Agador: I don't know, they're so stupid.

Armand: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.

Albert: I see... I see.

Val: It's just for tonight.

Albert: I understand, it's just while people are here.

Armand: Fuck the shrimp!

Armand: Work it, own it, sell it!

Armand: Ugh, what is this, sludge?

Agador: Yes, it's sludge; I thought it'd make a nice change from coffee.

Armand: How 'bout those dolphins, huh?

Albert: I'm just... a guy!

Armand: What about those?

[Gesturing to Albert's pink socks]

Albert: These? Well, one does want a hint of color.

Armand: [Armand and Val laugh at him, trying to hide it in their expressions, though]

Albert: You think when I dress like this I'm even more obvious.

Val: My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.

Armand: Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt.

Val: I can still get hurt.

Albert: Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!

Armand: Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Katherine: Armand Goldman.

Armand: Katie Archer, or is it "Mrs." something?

Katherine: No. I'm between husbands.

Waiter: Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab?

Armand: Ted?

Waiter: No, just the younger ones.

Armand: Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee.

Armand: Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?

Albert: Armand! Did you see that?

Armand: What?

Albert: He blew a bubble while I was singing. He can't do that while I'M SINGING!

Val: [about his marriage] Is it all right, Dad?

Armand: Does it matter?

Val: Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.

Armand: I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.

Val: Okay, if that's how you feel.

Armand: I do.

Val: Fine.

[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand]

Val: Goodbye, Pop.

Armand: Goodbye, son.

[They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away]

Armand: Oh, come here!

[pulls him into a hug]

Armand: You little pisher, you called my bluff!

Val: Yeah, but it was good, though.

Armand: Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.

Armand: [very sharply to the Keeleys] Sit down!

Armand: [sweetly] Please.

Agador: My Guatemalaness; my natural heat!

Armand: Yes, I'm afraid of your heat.

Val: I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.

Armand: Oh, God...

Val: I'm getting married.

Armand: Oh...

[face-palms]

Val: I didn't want to tell you over the phone...

Armand: Mmm.

Val: It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...

[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip]

Val: Uh... are you upset?

Armand: [nods] But let me tell you why.

Armand: First off, you're only twenty.

Val: Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...

Armand: Oh, please.

Val: No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.

Armand: Stop flattering me, it's cheap.

Armand: Roxy! Roxy, Roxy. You know what you need to do right now? You need to put him and this whole nasty affair out of your mind. Now, how is the best way to do that, huh? Huh? By having a night of distastable sex with someone you care absolutely nothing about! And proudly, I would like to be that person.

Roxie Shield: Fine, let's just go to your place.

Armand: Really?

Roxie Shield: Drive fast before I have second thoughts!

Armand: Armand is the wind!

Armand: [Roxie is sitting on the edge of Armand's bed getting dressed, he is under a blanket, presumably naked... he looks under it and moans in disbelief] I don't understand it!

Armand: [Roxie continues dressing] This has never happened to Armand before, never!

Armand: [Roxie continues to ignore him] Maybe it's you! You're... so cold. So unfeeling!

Armand: [Roxie leaves] Where can I get a mannequin too?

[looks under blanket and moans again]

Armand: The world changes, we do not, there lies the irony that finally kills us.

Armand: They had forgotten the first lesson, that we are to be powerful, beautiful, and without regret.

Louis: And you can teach me this?

Armand: Yes.

Louis: To be without regret?

Armand: Yes.

Louis: Then what a pair we could make, but what if it's a lesson I don't care to learn?

Armand: What do you mean?

Louis: What if all I have is my suffering, my regret?

Armand: Don't you want to lose it?

Louis: Why? So you can have that too? The heart that mourns her, her that you burnt to a cinder.

Armand: Louis, I swear that I...

Louis: Ah, but I know you did. I know. You, who regrets nothing, you, who feels nothing. If that's all I have left to learn, I can do that on my own.

Armand: I know nothing of God, or the Devil. I have never seen a vision nor learned a secret that will damn or save my soul. And as far as I know, after four hundred years, I am the oldest living vampire in the world.

Armand: You are beautiful, my friend. Lestat must have wept when he made you.

Louis: Lestat? You knew Lestat?

Armand: Knew him well enough not to mourn his passing

Vicomte de Valmont: [Armand, who is getting all of his possessions taken by the tax collector, stands in the presence of Vicomte de Valmont] Please, don't get up.

Armand: I have to. They're taking my bed.

Akasha: My children. Warms my blood to see you all gathered plotting against me.

Maharet: Akasha.

Akasha: Maharet. You will address my king first.

Jesse: Lestat, what has she done to you?

Marius: Lestat, step aside.

Lestat: Never.

Maharet: The world has changed since you reigned.

Akasha: Then we shall change it back. Human are animals. Brute creatures. Their destruction can only make sense.

Marius: Akasha, please!

Akasha: You think you can change my will? I've had enough of this discussion. Join me or die!

Maharet: I will not.

Pandora: I will not.

Armand: I will not.

Marius: I will not.

Akasha: [to Lestat] Do you love me?

Lestat: Yes.

Akasha: Then prove it. Kill her.

Lestat: She means nothing to me.

Akasha: Just the same. I'd like for you to kill her.

Maharet: You will not touch her!

Akasha: You dare to challenge me, Maharet?

Jesse: No it's all right, Aunt Maharet. It's what I want.

Akasha: How sweet.

Akasha: [after Jesse is killed] See my children? Remember your real family, or join hers.

[Maharet has just become a living statue]

Armand: She drank Akasha's last drop. She took Akasha's death into herself.

Marius: She's not dead. She sleeps.

[first lines]

[crowd cheers a parade of departing troops]

Juliette: Bon voyage! Viva la France!

Marching Soldier: [to Armand] Draft dodger!

Armand: [makes obscene gesture to soldier]

[turns to a laughing Juliette and playfully slaps her behind]

Juliette: Don't touch, draft dodger.

Armand: In five minutes, I see you in the back.

Juliette: If you're lucky, big boy.

Armand: Always.

Eliane Michoud: [calling her from inside the shop] Juliette!

Juliette: [hurriying inside] Yes, madam!

Armand: The Master's call...

Armand: Forgive me, but... but I love you.

Eliane Michoud: [pause] I understand, but tell me something. What were you thinking of? I'm not that kind of woman. I am married and respectable. And perhaps that simple fact has less importance for you than it has for me. And there's something else too. If one day, for some reason or another, I were to do what you were thinking of, you would never be the one.

Armand: I wouldn't, huh?

Eliane Michoud: Forgive me, but... we're not in the same... I mean, uh, we don't have the same kind of interests.

[approaches her with a menacing look]

Eliane Michoud: [alarmed] What is this? Keep away from me!

Armand: Want to see?

Eliane Michoud: What are you doing?

Armand: [grabs her arms] Want to see what your interests really are?

[a hidden Armand teases Eliane from beneath the counter while she talks to Justine]

[Justine leaves]

Armand: Wasn't it funny?

Eliane Michoud: Armand... please. Armand, why don't you leave me alone? Why do you torture me like this? Armand, what have I done to you? What is it you want, a scandal?

[follows him as he walks away]

Eliane Michoud: That was Justine, she's my daughter. She's my daughter, do you understand that? What is it you want? It's money, isn't it? That must be it, it's money.

Armand: You have no sense of humor, madam. Anyone ever tell you that? Even your shopgirl is more amusing.

Eliane Michoud: Well, if it isn't money, then what is it you want? What is it? Why?

Armand: [pause] And you, madam? What do you want?

[nighttime scene with Armand and Eliane playing erotic games in the darkened shop]

Armand: Now, go outside and walk the street.

Eliane Michoud: [partially undressed] You mean like this?

Armand: Don't be a stupid whore. Go out of your pharmacy, madam, and walk back and forth. You're open for business.

[pauses, seeing her hesitation]

Armand: You say you won't do it? You're hard to get.

Eliane Michoud: No, I'll do it... uh. I'll do it.

Armand: Just a minute.

[tears her underwear from beneath her slip]

Armand: That's better. Get your ass moving. And you come in only when I tell you.

Armand: [holding a scalpel to her breast] If I wanted to torture you, I bet you'd like that. If I wanted to cut you, even kill you, I bet you'd like that too.

Eliane Michoud: You've already done that. You can't do it twice.

Armand: Don't you believe in love, Marguerite?

Marguerite: I don't think I know what it is.

Armand: Oh, thank you.

Marguerite: For what?

Armand: For never having been in love.

Marguerite: It's you. It's not a dream.

Armand: No, it's not a dream. I'm here with you in my arms, at last.

Marguerite: At last.

Armand: You're weak.

Marguerite: No, no. Strong. It's my heart. It's not used to being happy.

Armand: Yes, you, well you did smile at me a moment ago, didn't you?

Marguerite: Well, you tell me first whether you smiled at me or my friend.

Armand: What friend?

Marguerite: You didn't even see her?

Armand: No.

Armand: I know I don't mean anything to you. I don't count. But someone ought to look after you. And I could if you'd let me.

Marguerite: Too much wine has made you sentimental.

Marguerite: The sort of company you're in tonight doesn't suit you at all.

Armand: Nor you.

Marguerite: No. These are the only friends I have and I'm no better than they are.

Marguerite: It's hard to believe that there's such happiness in this world.

Armand: Marguerite. Now you've put tears on my hand. Why?

Marguerite: You will never love me thirty years. No one will.

Armand: I'll love you all my life. I know that now. All my life.

[They kiss]

Armand: ...I warn you, lucky in love, unlucky at cards.

Baron de Varville: That also means lucky at cards, unlucky in love.

Armand: We shall see.

Armand: Then you do love him. Dare to tell me that you love him. You're free of me forever.

Marguerite: [Armand grabs her] I love him.

Armand: I accepted her favors because I thought she loved me. I had her make sacrifices for me when there were others who had more to give. But bear witness, I owe her nothing. Take it, come on, take it! Buy camellias, buy diamonds, horses and carriages, buy moonlight, buy a grave!

Armand: Fate must have had something to do with this. I've hoped for it so long. You don't believe me?

Marguerite: No.

Armand: First time I saw you was a year and a half ago. You were in an open carriage, dressed in white. I saw you get out and go into a shop in the Place de la Bourse.

Marguerite: Yes, that might have happened. I used to go to a dressmaker at Place de la Bourse.

Armand: You were wearing thin dress with miles of ruffles, a large straw hat, an embroidered shawl, a single bracelet in heavy gold chain, and, of course, the camellias at your waist.

Armand: I'm glad of this opportunity of returning something belonging to you.

[Presents a white ladies handkerchief found six months earlier]

Armand: I found it on the floor when I came back.

Marguerite: And you kept it with you all this time? Always with you?

Armand: Yes. Always with me. Like an old friend - to remind me that I'm not the Baron de Varville.

Marguerite: Hmm. Rather very romantic reasons.

Armand: No. I kept it as a warning against romance.

Marguerite: How sensible.

Armand: I'll bring this little book as a birthday present. Have you read it?

Marguerite: I never read anything. What is it?

Armand: Manon Lescaut

Marguerite: Who was she?

Armand: A beautiful girl who lived for love and pleasure.

Marguerite: [Examines the book cover] It's a beautiful color, it should be a very good story.

Armand: Yes it is. But, it's rather sad. She dies in the end.

Marguerite: Well, then I'll keep it, but, I won't read it. I don't like sad thoughts. However, we all die.

Marguerite: Now, why don't you go back and dance with one of those pretty girls.

[laughs]

Marguerite: Come, I'll go with you.

[Armand kisses Marguerite's hand]

Marguerite: What a child you are.

Armand: You're hand's so hot.

Marguerite: Is that why you put tears on it? To cool it?

Armand: No one has ever loved as I have loved you.

Marguerite: That may be true; but, what can I do about it?

Marguerite: You should go away and not see me any more. But, don't go in anger. Why don't you laugh at yourself a little, as I laugh at myself and come and talk to me once in awhile in - a friendly way.

Armand: That's too much - and not enough.

Marguerite: It costs money to go to the country.

Armand: I have money.

Marguerite: Yes, how much?

Armand: Seven thousand francs a year.

Marguerite: I spend more than that in a month and I've never been too particular.

Marguerite: How can one change one's entire life and build a new one on one moment of love? And yet, that's what you make me want me to close my eyes and do.

Armand: Then close your eyes and say yes. I command it!

Marguerite: Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Armand: Tired?

Marguerite: Only nicely tired. Let's go as far as the top of the hill and see what's beyond.

Armand: Yes. I don't care what's behind, do you?

Marguerite: No.

Marguerite: Are you going to spoil a day like this by being jealous?

Armand: No, of course not. I always know he's there.

Marguerite: But, I'm always here.

Armand: I could kill you for this!

Marguerite: I'm not worth killing, Armand. I've loved you as much as I could love. If that wasn't enough, I'm not to blame. We don't make our own hearts.

Armand: The past is dead. Heaven rests it's soul - if it had one.

Marguerite: We went to the theater, Prudence.

Prudence Duvernoy: What was the play?

Baron de Varville: Manon Lescaut.

Armand: Oh, yes. The story of a man who loved a woman more than his honor. A woman who wanted luxury more than his love. You should have found that very entertaining.

Armand: I came back to Paris to tell you I despise you and I do! But, I love you too.

Armand: Nanine. Nanine. Nanine! Get the doctor quickly.

Marguerite: The doctor? If you can't make me live, how can he?

Armand: No-no. Don't say such things, Marguerite. You'll live. You must live!

Marguerite: Perhaps its better if I live in your heart where the world can't see me. If I'm dead, there'll be no stain on our love.

Count Rudolph Falliere a.k.a. Rudy the hairdresser: I have a system that can't miss. If I happened to be standing beside a brunette I bet on red. If I am standing next to a readhead I bet on black.

Armand: But suppose you're standing next to a blonde. What do you do then?

Count Rudolph Falliere a.k.a. Rudy the hairdresser: I ask where she lives.