Archimedes the Owl Quotes in The Sword in the Stone (1963)

[preparing for the Wizards' Duel]

Madame Mim: Now, first of all, if you don't mind, I'll make the rules.

Archimedes the Owl: Rules indeed! G'ha-ha-ha! Why, she only wants rules so she can break 'em.

Madame Mim: I'll take care of you later, feather-brain.

[Archimedes huffs indignantly]

Madame Mim: Now, Rule One: No mineral or vegetable, only animals. Rule Two: No make-believe things like, uh, oh, pink dragons and stuff. Now, Rule Three: No disappearing.

[pinches Merlin playfully on the nose]

Merlin: Rule Four: No cheating.

Archimedes the Owl: Now, boy, flying is not merely some crude, mechanical process. It is a delicate art. Purely aesthetic. Poetry of motion. And the best way to learn it is to do it.

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, Man will fly all right - ho-ho-ho! - just like a rock.

Merlin: Now, Archimedes. Why would you half-drown yourself for a tidbit of fish, eh?, and after such a big breakfast?

Archimedes the Owl: [wringing himself dry] Pinfeathers and...

[puffs up suddenly]

Archimedes the Owl: ...golly fluff!

Arthur: You mean you can see everything before it happens?

Merlin: Yes, everything!

Archimedes the Owl: Uh-uh-uh-uh! "Everything," Merlin?

Merlin: Uh, vuh... No, no, not EVERYTHING. I, uh, I admit I didn't know whom to expect for tea, but as you can see... heh-heh!...

[points with his staff to the hole in the roof where Arthur fell through]

Merlin: ...I figured the exact place!

Arthur: Oh, what a perfect stuffed owl.

Archimedes the Owl: [huffing] Stuffed... W-w-well, I... I beg your pardon!

Arthur: He's alive, and he talks!

Archimedes the Owl: Heh-heh-heh! And certainly a great deal better than you do!

Arthur: [enters Merlin's room wearing his squire robes] Merlin, look! I'm a squire!

Merlin: [disapprovingly] Ha!

Archimedes the Owl: Oh... uh... very nice, boy.

Merlin: Yes, indeed. A fine monkey suit for polishing boots.

Arthur: It's... it's what all squires wear.

Merlin: And I thought you were going to amount to something. I thought you had a few brains! Great future! Ha! A stooge for that big lunk Kay. Congratulations, boy!

Merlin: Blow me to Bermuda!

[Merlin suddenly blasts off like a rocket]

Arthur: Where... W-where did he go?

Archimedes the Owl: To Bermuda, I suppose.

Arthur: Where's that?

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, an island way off somewhere that hasn't been discovered yet.

Arthur: Will he ever come back?

Archimedes the Owl: Who knows? Who knows anything?

Archimedes the Owl: If the boy goes about saying the world is round, they'll take him for a lunatic.

Arthur: The world is round?

Merlin: Yes. Yes, that's right, and it also, uh, goes A-round.

Arthur: You mean it'll be round SOMEDAY.

Merlin: No, no, no, it's round now. Man will discover this in centuries to come. And he will also find that the world is merely a tiny speck in the universe.

Arthur: Universe?

Archimedes the Owl: Ah! You're only confusing the boy. Before you're through, he'll be so mixed up, he'll... he'll be wearing his shoes on his head!

Arthur: I'm in an awful pickle. I'm king!

Archimedes the Owl: Ooo, he pulled a sword from the stone.

Merlin: Ha ha! Of course, of course. King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.

Arthur: Round table?

Merlin: Oh, uh, w-would you rather have a square one?

Arthur: Oh, no. Round will be fine.

Merlin: Archimedes, where... where-where are we?

Archimedes the Owl: In a tumbled-down old tower in the most miserable old castle in all Christiandom. That's where.

Merlin: Uh, c-castle? Castle?

Archimedes the Owl: Don't you even remember the boy?

Merlin: Uh... The boy?

Sir Ector: [outside, to Kay] Can't you remember one blasted thing?

Merlin: [to Archimedes] Now, now, just a moment. I-I...

Sir Ector: Firm grasp on the lance!

Merlin: [realizing it's not from Archimedes] Oh.

Archimedes the Owl: What-what-what? Wht-wht-what's up, boy? What's going on?

Arthur: They're having a Wizard's Duel. What's that mean?

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, it's a battle of wits. The players change themselves to different things in an attempt to, uh... to... destroy one another.

Arthur: D-d-des-destroy?

Archimedes the Owl: Well just watch, boy. Just watch. You'll get the idea.

Archimedes the Owl: So, from now on, boy...

[coughs]

Archimedes the Owl: ...you do as I say.

Arthur: Yes, sir.

Archimedes the Owl: All right. Now, to start off, I want you to read these books.

[Points to a huge pile of books]

Arthur: All of them?

Archimedes the Owl: That, my boy, is a mountain of knowledge.

Arthur: But I... but I can't read!

Archimedes the Owl: What-what? What? Then I don't suppose you know how to write?

Arthur: N-no, sir.

Archimedes the Owl: Well, what DO you know?

Arthur: Well... I...

Archimedes the Owl: Well, never mind, never mind. We'll start at the bottom - the ABCs.

[Torrential rain. Rider draws up to the portcullis and sounds his horn]

Guard: Who goes there?

Sir Pelinore: Pelinore! It's Pelinore, dash it all! I've got big news from London! BIG NEWS! Come on, man, drop the bridge!

Merlin: [Listening from the guest room] Oh, big news, eh? Hm. They can't wait for the London Times. First edition won't be out for at least, uh...

[looks at watch]

Merlin: ...1200 years. Ha!

[Raps on Archimedes' house]

Merlin: Archimedes? Uh, would you mind sailing down there and, and, uh...

Archimedes the Owl: [irritably] Not interested.

Merlin: Oh, come, come, come, come, now. You're as wet as you can get!

Archimedes the Owl: No! Nope, nope, nope!

Merlin: Archimedes! I'll turn you into a human.

Archimedes the Owl: Hm! You wouldn't dare!

Merlin: I will! So help me, I will!

Archimedes the Owl: All right, all right, all RIGHT!

[Flies off to spy on Sir Ector and Pelinore]

Merlin: All right, eh? He-he-he! Works every time, heh! Just like magic.

Merlin: Hockety pockety wockety wack! Odds and ends and bric-a-brac!

Merlin: [to Wart] Be with you in just a minute, son. Packing's almost done. Ha!

[Merlin's shrinking and packing spell is going so fast that Archimedes, spinning off a rotating globe, rushes into his owl house for refuge. Unfortunately, it too is in the spell. The panicked owl, feeling his house moving... ]

Archimedes the Owl: Who... who's there?

[... barely pulls himself out before being crushed ]

Archimedes the Owl: [to Merlin] You, you, you - bumbling blockhead!

Sir Pelinore: It's not a mere matter of muscle, son. Uh, jousting is, uh... a fine skill. It-it's a highly-developed science.

Merlin: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Science indeed. One dummy trying to knock off another dummy with a bit of a stick.

Archimedes the Owl: And the Wart's just as hot for it as the rest of them.

Merlin: Aye, that he is. That boy has got real spark. Lots of spirit. Throws himself heart and soul into everything he does. That's really worth something, if it could only be turned in the right direction.

Archimedes the Owl: Ha ha! Fat chance of that.

Merlin: Oh, I plan to cheat, of course. Use magic. Every last trick in the trade if I have to.

Merlin: He should be here in, I'd say, half an hour.

Archimedes the Owl: Who? Who? I'd like to know who!

Merlin: I told you, Archimedes, I am not sure. All I know is that someone will be coming. Someone very important.

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, pinfeathers!

Merlin: Fate will direct him to me, so that I, in turn, may guide him to his rightful place in the world.

Arthur: I can't be a king, Archimedes. I don't know anything about ruling a country.

Archimedes the Owl: I told you to leave the thing in the stone, boy.

Arthur: I'll run away. That's what I'll do. They'll just have to find somebody else.

Merlin: Man will fly someday, I tell you! I have been there! I have seen it!

Arthur: Oh, I do hope so. I've always dreamed about flying; that I was a bird and that I could go sailing all over the sky, high above everything...

[Merlin sneaks up behind him and quietly changes him into a sparrow]

Arthur: It's my favorite dream. But then, I suppose everyone dreams about flying.

[notices his new form; now happily starts flying]

Arthur: I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird!

Merlin: [laughs] Hold it, boy! Not so fast, not so fast. First, I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing.

[grabs Archimedes' wing and runs his finger along the feathers]

Merlin: Now, these large feathers are called the primaries, and...

Archimedes the Owl: And since when do you know all about birds' wings?

Merlin: I have made an extensive study of birds in flight, and...

Archimedes the Owl: And if you don't mind, I happen to be a bird!

Merlin: All right, Mr. Know-It-All! He's your pupil!

Sir Ector: [after putting the sword back in the stone after Wart pulled it] Alright, boy, let's have the miracle.

[Wart goes up to the sword to pull it out of the stone again]

Kay: [grabs Wart's arm and shoves him away] Now, wait a minute! Anyone can pull it once it's been pulled!

[tries to pull the sword but can't]

Sir Ector: Go to it, Kay. Give it all you got. Put your back into it!

[helps Kay]

Sir Ector: [Three other knights come in and try to pull out the sword as well]

Black Bart: Now hold on. That's not fair.

Sir Pelinore: I say we let the boy try it.

Black Bart: That's what I say. Give the boy a chance.

Sir Pelinore: Go ahead, son.

[Wart walks back up to the sword. The miracle light appears over the stone just when he pulls the sword from the stone successfully]

Sir Pelinore: It's a miracle ordained by Heaven. This boy is our king.

Sir Ector: Well, by Jove.

Black Bart: What's the lad's name?

Sir Ector: Eh, Wart... Oh, I mean Arthur.

Black Bart: Hail, King Arthur!

Crowd: Hail, King Arthur! Long live the king!

Archimedes the Owl: [chuckles] I can't believe it!

Sir Ector: [bows to Arthur] Oh, forgive me, son. Forgive me.

Arthur: Oh, please don't, sir.

Sir Ector: Kay! Bow to your king!

[Kay bows]