Announcer Quotes in Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)

Announcer: [the Avengers are in the process of infiltrating a HYDRA base in Sovokia] Report to your stations immediately. This is not a drill. We are under attack. We are under attack.

Tony Stark: [Tony hits the shield around the base] Shit!

Steve Rogers: Language! Jarvis, what's the view from upstairs?

Jarvis: The central building is protected by some kind of energy shield. Strucker's technology is well beyond any other Hydra base we've taken.

Thor: Loki's scepter must be here. Strucker couldn't mount this defense without it. At long last.

Natasha Romanoff: [Natasha knocks out some soldiers] At long last is lasting a little long, boys.

Clint Barton: [as some soldiers shoot at Clint] Yeah. I think we lost the element of surprise.

Tony Stark: Wait a second. No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said "language?"

Steve Rogers: I know.

Steve Rogers: [Steve throws his bike at some soldiers driving up in their truck] It just slipped out.

Sam Flynn: [notices his Disk Wars opponent] I have a three-inch version of you on my shelf!

Announcer: Combatants Three and Eleven - Disc Wars.

Disc Opponent #1: [ignites Identity Disk and throws it at Sam, narrowly missing]

Sam Flynn: You definitely didn't do that!

Announcer: It's that man again! Despite his meandering maneuverability, his strategical susceptibility, his infantile indefatigability, and his tendency towards tactical trability, he still remains.

Announcer: [from Segment "Don't] If you... are thinking... of going... into... this house... DON'T!

[Machete trailer]

Announcer: [voiceover] But they soon realize...

The Boss: He's coming after *us*!

[cut to Machete opening his jacket to reveal an arsenal of machetes]

Announcer: They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!

Announcer: If you're going to hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you'd better make damn sure the bad guy isn't you!

Announcer: [first lines, voiceover] They called him Machete.

Machete: [voiceover] Seventy dollars a day for yard work. Hundred for roofing.

The Boss: [car with The Boss pulls up] Get in.

Machete: [cut to Machete in car with The Boss] One-twenty-five for septic... sewage.

The Boss: Have you ever killed anyone before?

[Machete trailer: Machete sharpens a machete]

Announcer: [voiceover] He knows the score...

[cut to The Boss picking up a phone]

The Boss: Where are my wife and daughter?

[cut to Machete in a pool with The Boss's wife and daughter]

Announcer: [voiceover] He gets the women!

Announcer: All this month, order Muchentuchen happy lunch and get actions figures from the new movie, Phantom presents Death to Zohan.

[toy blows up]

Announcer: Limit one per customer. America is satan.

Blue Leader: This is Blue Leader to Blue Bikes. Run these guys into your jet walls.

Blue Bike #1: Copy Blue Leader.

Blue Bike #2: Copy Blue Leader.

Tron: This is Gold-1 to Gold-2 and 3. Split up. Take them one-on-one.

Blue Leader: Watch it! Watch it!

Blue Bike #1: [Tron corners him between a light wall and his own trail] Aah!

Blue Leader: Taking him into the maze.

Kevin Flynn: This is it. Come on. Gold-3 to Gold-2 and 1. I'm getting out of here right now, and you guys are invited.

Ram: Got it.

Tron: Ready?

Ram: Ready!

Tron: So long, suckers!

Kevin Flynn: Greetings, programs!

Announcer: Video game warriors escaping game grid. This is an illegal exit. You must return to game grid. Repeat! This is an illegal exit. You must return to the grid.

Ram: Gold-3 to Gold-2. Those demons are coming down.

Sark: Get them! Send out every game tank in the grid!

[knocks his lieutenant down]

Sark: Get them!

Announcer: Ape Management... is in the hands of the apes.

Announcer: [after announcing Gerald Thomas in the Baseball Game who just scarfed down a small can of Chili] This Kid doesn't come alive very often... but when He does; He REALLY let's go!

Announcer: Get ready the battle that no ropes can hold.

Announcer: Just once, JUST ONCE, I wish you guys would TELL US THE REAL STORY!

General: I didn't think Tokyo would escape this terror, but Rodan, Godzilla and Manda are all here at the same time.

Major Tada: That's correct. New York, London, Moscow - they were all very unlucky.

Announcer: Emergency! Emergency! Mothra is now in District Number 5.

Billboard Woman: I like being beautiful. I like to stay fit. That's why I like Avalon. With Avalon, I know I'm beautiful. And I'm going to stay that way.

Announcer: Avalon. For a better world.

Billboard Woman: Health. Beauty. Longevity. Avalon. We're on your side. For life.

Announcer: ...And this leaves the Fujio Building suicides in a total of eight. According to police investigations, this case is similar to the previous seven...

Mikiya Kokutou: [Watching the TV] What? Eigth?

Announcer: ...in which there was no suicide note or struggle signs in the victims...

Shiki Ryogi: Hey, Touko. Are all humans end up as well when they can fly a little?

Touko Aozaki: In the past no one has tried to fly using only human power. The words "Fly" and "Fall" go together. But the more one concentrate on flying, most forget that detail. As a result, you end up flying above the clouds even after death. Without falling down, but as if you fell into the sky.

Mikiya Kokutou: [Confused by the talking] Um... Sorry, but I don't know what are you talking about.

Touko Aozaki: Oh. there was a person floating in the Fujio Building , and the ghosts of the eight girls who committed suicide there were flying around. The question is, Were they Flying or Floating? Actually, It's a pretty simple story.

Mikiya Kokutou: [Still Confused] Um... yes, whatever. It sounds like something from a cheap novel.

Announcer: [Mikiya is suddenly awakened after being three weeks in a catatonic state] Good morning, here are the news for today, August 31. In local news, we started with the case of the great bridge that collapsed during a storm last month, and reports indicate that it may have been a defect in the structure.

Touko Aozaki: Good morning, Kokutou.

Mikiya Kokutou: [Still sleepy] Good morning, Touko. Sorry. I think I fell asleep.

Touko Aozaki: Don't explain things without importance. I see that. Can you prepare a drink? I want coffee. It would be a good way for your rehab.

Mikiya Kokutou: Ok, coffee...

[Talking to himself]

Mikiya Kokutou: My rehab?

Announcer: Oh! Your gonna love this!

Announcer: Were all gonna die! And that pisses me off!

[Introducing Alex at the convention]

Announcer: Give him a hand, he's British.

[Introducing Guy at the convention]

Announcer: It's... another ship mate!

[last lines]

Announcer: And now, back again after 18 years: The New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the starting lineup for the Toon Squad: Standing two foot four, The Wonder from Down Under: The Tasmanian Devil!

[Taz squeezes two balls in his mouth, pops them, and spins around]

Announcer: At small forward: standing a scintillating three foot two, The Heartthrob of the Hoops: Lola Bunny!

[Lola dribbles and spins the ball on her finger]

Announcer: At power forward, The Quackster of the Court: Daffy Duck!

Daffy Duck: Thank you! Thank you!

[Silence from the audience, crickets chirping]

Daffy Duck: [disappointed, but sarcastically] Very funny. Leth's all laugh at the duck!

Announcer: And the point guard, standing three foot three, four feet if you include the ears, Co-captain of the toon squad, the Doctor of Delight: Bugs Bunny!

Bugs: Thank you! Thank you!

Announcer: And now, the player coach of the Toon Squad, at six foot six from North Carolina, his Royal Airness: Michael Jordan!

[first lines]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW, Cardinal Glick.

Cardinal Glick: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies... He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW. " campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ...

[first lines]

Announcer: Yes, folks... Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wonder Major All Automatic Convenience Center-ette gives you all the time in the world to do the things you really want to do... An infrared freezer-oven complex that can make you a meal from packet to plate in 15 1/2 seconds.

Kevin's Mother: Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds.

Kevin's Father: Oh?

Kevin's Mother: Block of ice to Beef Bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things.

Kevin: Dad, did you know that the ancient Greek warriors had to learn 44 different ways of unarmed combat?

Kevin's Father: [Ignoring Kevin] Well, at least we've got a two speed hedge cutter.

Announcer: The storm of the century is hitting.

Announcer: And it just goes to show you... You can be the smallest, you can be the weakest, you can be the worst player on the field, but when people tell you you're no good, and say you should give it up, you know what you do? You just keep on swinging.

[first lines]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise for the Grouch Anthem.

Oscar the Grouch: No, no, no! With the Grouch Anthem, you stay sitting down! Down in front there!

Announcer: [closing lines] The story which you have just seen is a true one. In real life Captain Alexander Holmes was brought to trial on a charge of murder. He was convicted and given the minimum sentence of six months because of the unusual circumstances surrounding the incident. If you had been a member of the jury, how would you have voted: guilty or innocent?

Announcer: [from a deleted portion of the dog show] Remember, looks are everything. Remember, its not the dog in the fight, its the fight in the dog.

Announcer: We are now interrupting this broadcast for an official government announcement. An enemy missile attack has been launched against this country. It is estimated that the missles will arrive in approximately three minutes. Three minutes.

Jim: God almighty, Ducks! There's only three minutes to go!

Hilda: Oh dear! I'll just get the wash in.

Jim: Come back you stupid bitch, and get in the shelter!

Hilda: How dare you talk to me like that, James!

Jim: Shut up and get in!

Hilda: There's no need to forget your manners just because there's a war on.

[first lines]

Announcer: In the name of Allah the merciful, all praises due to Allah, Lord of all the worlds. The one God to whom praise is due forever. The one who came to us in the person of Master Fard Muhammad and raised up the Honorable Elijah Muhammad. Amen.

[pause]

Announcer: Asalaam-alaikum!

Crowd: Alaikum-salaam!

Announcer: How do you feel?

Crowd: Good!

Announcer: Who do we want to hear?

Crowd: Malcolm X!

Announcer: Are we gonna bring him on? Yes, we gonna bring him on. Well let us hear from our minister, Minister Malcolm X. Let us bring him on with a round of applause!

[last lines]

Announcer: Everybody wanted this victory and Hurricane has delivered.

[first lines]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this fine young fighter will be right here in Pittsburg on the boxing cog, this Monday night.

Announcer: Hurricane Carter has defeated the welter weight champion of the world!

Announcer: Geritol. America's #1 tonic. Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potentcy tonic, that helps you feel... stronger... fast... presents the exciting quiz program..."Twenty-One." Brought to you by NBC, The National Broadcasting Company, broadcasting nationally coast to coast, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Petersburg... via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country. Coming up next, "Twenty-One," starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry!

[music cues build dramatically]

Announcer: Two players racing to score 21 points... each in a soundproof television studio, not knowing the other one's score... with $500 riding on each point... as they both play..."Twenty-One!"

[lively theme music plays]

Announcer: And here's your host... Jack Barry!

[the audience applauds as Jack runs on to the stage and stands behind his podium]

Jack Barry: [looking at us] Good evening. I'm Jack Barry. Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.I. college student, must play at $3,000 a point, which means that in a few brief minutes, he can either win as much as $100,000 - the most money won on television to date - or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks.

[as Jack continues to speak, Herbert and his opponent wait to be introduced]

Stempel's opponent: You nervous?

Herbie Stemple: [chuckles as he clean's his glasses] It's only money.

Jack Barry: Isolated in their soundproof studios, neither player is aware of the other's score. I've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia... that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week, so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes... if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped. Could I have the questions, please?

[a drumroll plays as the questions are handed to Jack by a stagehand]

Jack Barry: Thank you, gentlemen. Remember the questions on "Twenty-One" are secured each week in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time. So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol, America's #1 tonic, presents "Twenty-One."

[a fanfare plays and the audience applauds as Herbert and his opponent make their entrances]

Announcer: What a shot by Happy Gilmore!

[turns to his partner]

Announcer: Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?

Happy Gilmore: [Having a bad day of golfing due to a member of the crowd] That guy's driving me *crazy*!

Bob Barker: You know what's driving *me* crazy? You, not getting the ball in the hole.

Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob! Now's not the time.

[Happy hits the ball, which hits a man standing on a boat, who then falls into the water]

Bob Barker: This guy sucks!

Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play *this* badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead-last.

Bob Barker: I can't *believe* you're a professional golfer! I think you should be working at the snack bar.

Happy Gilmore: [Angrily, with teeth clenched] You better relax, Bob.

Bob Barker: There is *no* way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf!

Happy Gilmore: Alright, let's go!

[Happy throws down his club and punches Bob in the face, who falls to the ground]

Happy Gilmore: You like that, old man? You want a piece of me?

Bob Barker: [Shaking his head as he gets up] I don't want a *piece* of you, I want the *whole thing*!

[Punches Happy in the gut, then proceeds to punch him in the face ten times, sending Happy falling into a pond]

Happy Gilmore: [Happy gets out] Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!

[Happy grabs his club and swings at Bob, who blocks, punches Happy in the face, then throws him to the ground. Happy tackles Bob, resulting in both of them rolling down a hill. At the bottom, Happy headbutts Bob]

Happy Gilmore: The price is *wrong*, bitch!

Bob Barker: [Bob grabs Happy's throat, opens his eyes with a menacing look, stands up, punches Happy in the gut twice, and once in the face before Happy falls down again] I think you've had enough.

[Starts to walk away, but notices Happy start to stand up again]

Bob Barker: No?

[Kicks Happy in the face]

Bob Barker: [while walking away] *Now* you've had enough... bitch.

Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational. I guess it's the new tour sensation Happy Gilmore who's attracting all sorts of people to this beautiful course.

Announcer: Happy Gilmore is in big trouble, Jack. He's lost the power to hit the long ball.

[last lines]

Announcer: The National Football League would like to extend a special thank-you to the man who rescued Dan Marino, and our beloved Snowflake...

[a shot of Ace appears on the giant screen, beating the crap out of the mascot in the bird suit]

Announcer: ...a great humanitarian, and lover of all animals, Mr. Ace Ventura!

Announcer: Then there's pretty Dottie Henson, who plays like Gehrig, and looks like Garbo. Uh-uh, fellas, keep your mitts to yourself; she's married. And there's her kid sister Kit, who's as single as they come. Enough concentrated oomph for a whole carload of Hollywood starlets.

Announcer: And how about Marla Hooch. What a hitter.

Announcer: After the first month of league play, the shine still isn't off these "diamond" gals. Alice "Skeeter" Gaspers says legging out a triple is no reason to let your nose get shiny - Betty Grable has nothing on these gals. Helen Haley has not only been a member of several championship amateur teams, she is also an accomplished coffee maker.

Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.

Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.

Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit

[choked off]

Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow

[unintelligible chicken squawking]

Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.

Director: Someone get him some water please.

Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.

Technician: The prompter's fine.

Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.

Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news

[breaks wind]

Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla

[rapid unitelligible gibberish]

Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah

[explosive gibberish]

Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]

[vaguely Chinese]

Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE

[nervous laugh]

(Announcer): ...for the past four years, male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-land-er.

[Derek slowly counts the syllables off on his fingers]

[first lines]

(Announcer): And here in Malaysia, there is an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria as the newly-elected prime minister has given this nation a gift of hope promising to raise the substandard minimum wage and end child labor once and for all. Already considered a living saint he has become this small country's greatest hope for a thriving future in the new millennium.

[Ron bribes the announcer]

Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.

Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.

Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00.

Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.

Announcer: The Crossbow Project. There's No Defense Like a Good Offense.

[first lines]

Announcer: Defy reason. Defy everything you know. A mind blowing experience of the occult and supernatural. Peter Vincent. A magical tour de force. Peter Vincent. Welcome to Fright Night. Onstage at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

[last lines]

Announcer: Presenting the crown, Miss Julie Newmar.

Samson: I think I broke his fuckin' neck!

Announcer: I think he broke his fuckin' neck!

Team doctor: One side, one side.

[Examines injured player]

Team doctor: Get the ambulance! I think he broke his fuckin' neck.

Samson: See! I told you I broke his fuckin' neck!

[On the opening kick off, after the holder is kicked in the crotch by the kicker]

Announcer: Oh! Somebody's holding a pound of Aunt Betty's nut butter, and that's a live ball!

[last lines]

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man we've all been waiting for... and waiting for.

[chuckles]

Announcer: Would you welcome home please television's brightest new star. The legendary, inspirational, the one and only king of comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin!

[audience applauds and cheers]

Announcer: Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!

[audience continues cheering]

Announcer: Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen!

[audience continues cheering]

Announcer: Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin! Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen!

Announcer: Each fan has a favorite. Each one, a fantasy.

Announcer: George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!

[Cut to a man wearing a Evel Knievel jumpsuit and a crash helmet. He walks over to a group of large black men shooting dice in an alley and stands in the middle of them]

Rex Kramer: [screams] NIGGERS!

[Kramer takes off running and the black men immediately give chase]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in order to achieve an "R" rating today, a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity, graphic violence, or an explicit reference to the sex act. Since this film has none of those, and since research has proven that R-rated films are by far the most popular with the moviegoing public, the producers of this motion picture have asked me to take this opportunity to say "Fuck you."

[the MPAA R-rating logo appears on the screen]

Emily Weiss: [about Brad Majors] Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents. And thank goodness he didn't end up like that Slibstrini boy.

Harry Weiss: What are you talking about? Danny Slibstrini's a chip of the old block. Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to better himself.

Emily Weiss: He moved all right. And they found him in the back of Wilson's bakery, naked, with fifteen other men.

Janet Majors: [with a look of confirmation] Mexicans.

Harry Weiss: [Looks disguted] I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.

[Harry storms out, slamming the door]

Announcer: [voice-over] We return to Dentonvale after this important message.

Emily Weiss: You shouldn't have said that.

Janet Majors: But why?

Emily Weiss: Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

Announcer: Look, it's Sean Penn!

[Paparazzi are seen flying left and right]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen: In the interest of clarity and sanity, the rest of this movie will not be in Polish.

[first lines]

Announcer: In this picture, there are forty-seven people. None of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen. This is Mr E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. Mr Bradshaw, will you stand up, please?

[Mr Bradshaw stands up and is shot]

Announcer: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

Announcer: These rabbits have been carefully staked to the ground, so they won't move around as much, as this is only a one-day event.

Announcer: In 1945, peace broke out.

[repeated line]

Announcer: And now for something completely different.

[we see a bush in the middle of a field]

Announcer: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?

[nothing happens]

Announcer: Mr Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

[the bush blows up]

Sergeant-Major: Now, Director, when I say "Cut", cut to the next sketch. Director...

Announcer: [speaking over start of a new sketch; camera pans across city view] This is a frightened city...

Sergeant-Major: [interrupting] Wait for it!

[camera snaps back to starting position and cut to the Major]

Sergeant-Major: Director, Cut!

Announcer: [sketch starts again] This is a frightened city...

[first lines]

Announcer: [voice-over] The following movie has been rated "Horny Fourteen." Pregnant women and men who already have an erection at this point in the film should leave the theater now.

Announcer: Fight with them! Laugh with them! Love with them! And even die with them the death of heroes who will live forever!

Announcer: And now, the star of our show, the kamikaze of comedy! Fasten your seat belts, put on your crash helmets; because here he comes... Mr. Saturday Night... Buddy Young, Junior!

[last lines]

Announcer: And that's it from WBN in Chicago. If it wasn't clear before, it's certainly clear now; There'll never be anything quite like... radio.

Announcer: I've never seen anything like this in my entire illustrious career!

[first lines]

Announcer: Stay by your phone, Doctor Nancy Love will be up on KCMY talk radio with The Love Line.

Nancy: I recommend that you examine the deeper feelings you have for your wife, Tom.

Nancy: Maybe it's not just, uh, one man, Rita, maybe it's a feeling you have for all men. Sex, like everything else, is largely a mystery, I mean, there's no such thing as normal sex, normal sex is a matter of statistics. What may be normal for the vast majority is no criterion of behavior for the exceptional person.

Pearl Antoine: But I am exceptional.

Nancy: [becoming gradually more agitated] Throughout history, individuals of the first rank would never have produced had they not been immersed in sex and spontaneous sexual behavior. I mean that uncontrollable impulse that shakes you to your very foundation, that makes your - nerves ends tickle and that makes your head spin and makes you feel like, like jelly, you may think it's wine, Rita, but it's not, it's blood. And there's nothing wrong with that feeling. We all need to get it, we all need it, there's nothing wrong with IT.

Pearl Antoine: But I know about all that.

Announcer: Nancy, stand by for a station break.

Nancy: I'm sorry, Rita, we're going for, uh, station identification.

Announcer: The Harem Club, home of the most beautiful girls in burlesque presents: The most beautiful girls in burlesque!

Benjamin Jabowski: Shameful!

Samuel Hill: Yeah! Uh, shall we watch?

Ralph Hollio: See you later.

Announcer: We are now boarding for Air Mexico. Your attention Air Mexico flight 360 is now ready for take off.

Ralph Hollio: How do you do sister.

Nun: That is certainly a handsome looking pinata you have there young man.

Ralph Hollio: While thank you, thank you very much sister. That's a nice one you have yourself sister it's look a little bit like snoopy.

Nun: Would you holding it for me for a just a moment please while I.

Ralph Hollio: While certainly I'd be glad to you go right ahead.

Nun: Unless you feel that the plane will take off without us.

Ralph Hollio: No, no they wouldn't do a thing like that.

Nun: Oh!

Ralph Hollio: I feel much better having you on board.

Nun: Thank you very much.

Ralph Hollio: Your welcome.

Man with Piñata: Sister will bless my chicken.

Nun: Jesus Christ, I gave it to the wrong guy.

Ralph Hollio: Hey, hey what's going on here, hey wait a minute here, hey what is going, he y will you stop that, excuse me will you tell me what's going on here, hey take it easy will you, officer there's got be a mistake or this is some kind of mix up of the sort, what are you doing.

Federale, Federale: Heroina!

Ralph Hollio: What do you mean Heroina, it belongs to that nun.

Federale, Ralph Hollio: You stay off, it's belongs to that nun down there, you back off, please Samone it belongs to that nun, hey hey hey it's that nun down there.

Nun, Crowd at Airport: Ahhhhhhhh!

Morgan Frye: Three guesses!

Sally Cantrell: Oh Morgan, your so good.

Morgan Frye: Ohhhh! You have no idea it's my last deal always save the best for last.

Sally Cantrell: We can do anything we want to do.

Morgan Frye: Anything! There's twenty million dollars of that, and half of it is ours.

Announcer: The Marilyn Levens Starlight Celebrity Show will be back next week. From Hollywood, California - where stars make dreams, and dreams make stars.

[first lines]

Announcer: An Enterprise Vineyard Production. Oskar Werner, Julie Christie... in Fahrenheit four-five-one.

Announcer: And Hollywood Mike Miranda makes his second dramatic exit of the day.

Announcer: Dylan here is explaining what the possible handicaps could be. What are they? Break them down for us.

Dylan Flynn: Well, they'll basically draw from the bowl a black or two white marbles. If you get a white marble, you're basically getting a pass. If you draw the black marble, you're either gonna have one arm tied to your body or potentially both arms tied to your body, or the application of a blindfold.

Announcer: Fighting with a blindfold.

Dylan Flynn: [smiling] Yeah, how's that sound?

[first lines]

Announcer: He lost to Harold Johnson and to Nino Valdez. That win to Valdez catapulted him into the national statistics spotlight also. Charles, 32 years old, Satterfield, 30. Here's round two. 189 for Charles, 180 for Satterfield. Charles is in the white trunks.

Erik Kernan Jr.: [narrating] A writer, like a boxer, must stand alone.

Announcer: Satterfield has surprised all tonight with his right.

Erik Kernan Jr.: Having your words published, like entering a ring, puts your talent on display. And there's nowhere to hide. The truth is revealed. And sometimes, the results can be disastrous.

Announcer: And Satterfield is down! Three, four, five, six, seven... He's not gonna get up. Eight, nine... And it's all over. Wow! Ezzard Charles.

Announcer: Cometh the moment, cometh the man.

[first lines]

Announcer: What a humiliation. A lot of unhappiness around the Bernabeu tonight, a lot of it directed at Gavin Harris. Came out as a hero, he's being called a donkey tonight.

[last lines]

President Jordan Lyman: [to reporters at a televised press conference] There's been abroad in this land in recent months a whisper that we have somehow lost our greatness, that we do not have the strength to win without war the struggles for liberty throughout the world. This is slander, because our country is strong, strong enough to be a peacemaker. It is proud, proud enough to be patient. The whisperers and the detractors, the violent men are wrong. We will remain strong and proud, peaceful and patient, and we will see a day when on this earth all men will walk out of the long tunnels of tyranny into the bright sunshine of freedom.

[president exits; reporters stand and applaud]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, that was the President of the United States.

[first lines]

Announcer: Attention boils and ghouls, it's time for Dr. Wolfenstein's Creature Feature Show.

Dr. Wolfenstein: Ah! The doctor is in! Don't scream, don't move. Stay tuned for channel 68's Halloween Eve movie marathon! I'm your host, your ghost ghost, with the most, Dr. Wolfenstein! I will be with you until the end!

[first lines]

Announcer: That's a first down. Ball at a thirty five-yard line.

Daniel Challis: [last lines; on the phone with the TV network; the Silver Shamrock commercial begins] If it goes on, it means the death of millions of people, everyone watching, don't you understand that? Well... well say it's a bomb then, say whatever you want, just get it off the air! Please, you jus... No, no I can't prove it, you gotta believe me! Believe me! Take it off the air now, please! You've got to, it...

Announcer: [the commercial is interrupted] Please excuse the interruption, we're having technical problems. Please stand by.

[kid changes channel. The commercial is interrupted]

Announcer: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

[kid changes channel again, the commercial plays and shows no signs of stopping]

Daniel Challis: The third channel, it's still on. Please, take off the third channel. The third channel, it's still running. Stop it, please, for God's sake, please stop it. There's no more time! Please stop it. Stop it now. Turn it off! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight's performance of Naked Boys Singing! Please note that flash photography or the use of recording devices of any kind is strictly prohibited. So, please, leave the flashing to us.

Announcer: A new life awaits you in the Off-world colonies! A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen... Taffey Lewis presents... Miss Salome and the snake. Watch her take the pleasures from the serpent... that once corrupted man.

Announcer: This announcement is brought to you by the Shimato Dominguez Corporation - helping America into the New World.

Announcer: [after Colossus has described its plan of global domination to the world] This concludes the broadcast from World Control.

[last lines]

Announcer: And from now on, somewhere in Germany is a man with a precision rifle and the high degree of intelligence and training that is required to use it. It may be days, months or even years, but this time he clearly knows his purpose and, unflinching, faces his destiny.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages, we're going to present for your approval a novelty picture with an all midget cast, the first of it's kind to ever be produced. I'm told that it has everything, that is everything that a western should have.

[opening sequence]

The Hero (Buck Lawson): I'm the hero. After this picture's out, I'll be the biggest cowboy star in Hollywood.

The Villain (Bat Haines): I'm the villain. I'm the toughest hombre that ever lived, and I ain't afraid o' the biggest one o' you. I'm the Terror of Tiny Town, and that's the star part.

The Hero (Buck Lawson): That's what you think.

The Villain (Bat Haines): Ye-eah. That's what I think!

Announcer: Wait a minute! Men! Men! Wait a minute!