Andrew Quotes in Hatchet III (2013)

Randy: I've seen some crazy shit, man. I was working on an Asian male; head severed off, uh, leg cut off below the knee. I'm telling you, man... He looked kinda like you, man.

Andrew: Oh, what? Because I'm Asian?

Andrew: Where's your boat?

Sheriff Fowler: What's wrong with this one?

Andrew: I don't have the keys.

Sheriff Fowler: What? Why?

Andrew: I work with a bunch of redneck racists; they don't let me drive anything!

Andrew: I've never seen anything like it before, man! It had claws... it kind of looked like the Mexican Chubra thing. You know, the Mexican thing.

Rodriguez: I'm Puerto Rican, asshole!

Andrew: Okay! Whatever it was, it was fierce. It tore Wallace apart!

Andrew: What's the word for "fajitas"?

Andrew: [to the disciples gathered around a fire] I was the first to follow him. If anyone's gonna be in charge, it's gonna be me.

Judas Iscariot: Could you lead an army? Would man follow you to glory?

Andrew: I was the *first*.

[Jesus approaches carrying firewood]

James the Disciple: Go on, ask him Judas.

Judas Iscariot: Master, um...

[hesitates]

James the Disciple: [interrupts] We've been waiting for you to come, and tell us who will be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven!

Jesus: [laughs] All right. All right, I'll tell you.

[walks toward a little girl, lifts her off a donkey]

Jesus: Unless you change utterly and become like little children, you will never even enter the kingdom of Heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this little child, he will be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven.

Andrew: We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

Andrew: What do you need a fake I.D. for?

Brian: So I can vote.

Andrew: I taped Larry Lester's buns together.

Brian Johnson: That was you?

Andrew: Yeah, you know him?

Brian Johnson: Yeah, I know him.

Andrew: Well, then you know how hairy he is. And when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some - some skin, too.

Claire Standish: Oh my God.

Andrew: And the bizarre thing is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about how when he was in school and all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So I'm sitting in the locker room and I'm taping up my knee, and Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. And he's kinda, he's kinda skinny. Weak. And I started thinkin' about my father, and his attitude about, about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I jumped on top of him and started whaling on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I'm sitting in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father and Larry having to go home and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation - the fucking humiliation he must have felt. It must have been unreal. I mean, how... how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way. It's all because of me and my old man. God, I fucking hate him. He's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore.

[crying, imitating his father]

Andrew: 'Andrew! You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! Your intensity is for shit! Win! Win! Win!' You son of a bitch. You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give. And I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.

Andrew: [after Claire has given Allison a makeover] What happened to you?

Allison Reynolds: Why? Claire did it... What's wrong?

Andrew: Nothing's wrong... it's just so different, you know? I can see your face.

Allison Reynolds: Is that good or bad?

Andrew: It's good.

Andrew: Speak for yourself.

Bender: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language.

Andrew: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.

Bender: Oh, and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!

Andrew: You wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life!

Bender: Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.

Andrew: Ah, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.

Bender: Oh, but I do!

Andrew: Yeah?

Bender: I wanna be just... like... you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights!

Brian: You wear tights?

Andrew: No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

Brian: Tights.

Andrew: [short pause] Shut up!

Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?

John Bender: I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect you to know the difference.

Claire Standish: He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.

John Bender: Sweets. You couldn't ignore me if you tried. So... so. Are you guys like boyfriend-girlfriend? Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?

Claire Standish: Go to HELL.

Andrew: Enough.

Richard Vernon: Hey. What's goin in there? Damn pricks.

Andrew: I said, leave her alone.

Bender: You gonna make me?

Andrew: Yeah.

Bender: You and how many of your friends?

Andrew: Just me. Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal.

Andrew: You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.

Andrew: Just me. Just you and me. Two hits... me hitting you, you hitting the floor. Any time you're ready, pal.

Bender: [Bender goes to hit Andrew but Andrew tackles him to the floor] I don't wanna get into this with you man.

Andrew: [Andrew lets him go and they both stand up] Why not?

Bender: Cause I'd kill you. It's real simple, I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it'd be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother.

Andrew: [whispers as he turns around] Chickenshit.

[Bender pulls out a switchblade and stabs into a chair]

Andrew: Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her... you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me?

Andrew: Yo wastoid, you're not gonna blaze up in here.

Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: Hey, I screwed around. Guys screw around, there's nothin' wrong with that.

[Andy nods head]

Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: Except you got caught, Sport.

Andrew: Yeah, Mom already wringed me, alright?

Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: You wanna miss a match? You wanna blow your ride?

[Andy shakes head no]

Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: No school's gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case!

Bender: Oh, shit! What're we s'posed to do if we have to take a piss?

Claire Standish: Please.

Bender: If you gotta go, you gotta go.

Claire Standish: Oh my god!

Andrew: Hey, you're not urinating in here man!

Bender: Don't talk, don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.

Andrew: You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor.

Bender: You're pretty sexy when you get angry.

Andrew: [standing up for Claire after she's been bullied by Bender one too many times] Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her, you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me?

Bender: [nonchalantly] I'm trying to help her.

Andrew: Well hey there pretty lady.

Monique: Ew! What... what are you hitting on me?

Andrew: I was just...

Monique: [mimicking] "I was just... nyuh". OK, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours

Toby: [talking about Eunice] She's got a little somethin' somethin'.

Andrew: Yeah... asthma and headgear.

Viola: [as Sebastian] Hey. HEY! What up? You must be my room-mates.

Duke: [laughs]

[Viola clears throat]

Duke: What-what's your name?

Viola: Sebastian Hastings.

Duke: Duke Orsino.

Viola: [grunts]

Duke: Um, ok, ok, ok, ok! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live next door.

Andrew: Yeah, freshman dorms thattaway, twiglet.

Toby: Seriously, how old are you?

Viola: I skipped a couple of grades. I'm brilliant, shh! Anyway, you know when our soccer try-outs start?

Duke: Noon. You play?

Viola: Absolutely. Centre-forward. You know it, bra. So, uh, you play the beautiful sport, bro? Brothers? Brethren?

Duke: Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs.

Viola: Schveet!

Duke: Ok, w-why do you have tampons in your boot?

Viola: Um, I get really bad nose bleeds?

Andrew: So you stick 'em up your nose?

Viola: Yeah! What, you've, you've never done that?

[Boys shake head]

Viola: Oh my! Beckhem does it all the time.

Duke: Serious?

Viola: Yes. Look, let me show you how to do it. Take that off and whatever that is, and, and you stick it right in. It absorbs right up!

Duke: That's disgusting!

Andrew: Oh my god! You're room-mates a freak!

Andrew: Freshman dorm's that-a-way, twiglet.

Andrew: Yea, she gives great nods.

Andrew: [to Duke] Some guys just walk in the light you know.

Andrew: [Andrew hands Joanna her earrings after they've drank tequila shots below decks with the crew] You best not lose these again, madam.

Joanna: [perplexed] Again?

Andrew: You will forgive me, madam.

[clearly mocking her]

Andrew: "Andrew! I seem to have lost my ruby earrings somewhere between 64th and 68th street, find them."

Joanna: [geniunely contrite] I've behaved so badly.

[Andrew raises his eyebrows]

Joanna: You've done all these wonderful things for me and I never even once said thank you.

[beat]

Joanna: I'm sorry.

Andrew: [embarrassed] Apology accepted, ma'am.

[he turns away and to the sink]

Joanna: [following him] Everyone on this boat thinks I'm crazy. Do you think they're right?

Andrew: [turning around to face her] Oh no, madam. Oh no. You... most of us go through life with blinders on. Knowing only that little station to which we were born. But you madam, have had the... rare privilege of escaping your bonds for just a spell. To see life from an entirely new perspective. How you choose to use that information is entirely up to you.

Grant Stayton: [brandishing a bow and arrow] Halt. You treasonous tramp. Conspiring with the enemy at sea is MUTINY.

Andrew: Pull.

[kicks Grant overboard]

Andrew: [to Grant] I am giving my notice, sir.

Joanna: I have behaved so badly. You've done so many wonderful things for me and I've never even once said thank you. I'm sorry

Andrew: Apology accepted, madam.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish. I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?... It's easy for you to say. You don't have to sit out here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion. I look like a bushman.

Andrew: [who's been painting her toenails] ... I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you?

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: No, I'm still tacky.

[Joanna is about to jump off the yacht and swim to Dean]

Andrew: [grabs her hand] Oh no Madam. I cannot let you do this.

Annie: What?

Andrew: Not without a life jacket.

Andrew: Champagne for everyone.

Joanna: Andrew, I'd like a beer.

Edith Mintz: A beer?

Joanna: [takes a swig from a bottle] Mmmmm, good stuff.

Andrew: [watching Danni and Crystal swim naked] Check it out, they're fish with boobies.

Derrick Jones: Oh, if fish looked like that, I would fuck fish. I would only fuck fish!

Andrew: Kelly, trust us. It's never cheating if it's with another chick.

Andrew: [to crowd] When I say tit you say e's! Tit...

Crowd: E's!

Andrew: Tit...

Crowd: E's!

Andrew: You married your *cousin*?

Melanie Carmichael: Oh God honey, what if they hate me?

Andrew: No, they're critics Mel. They hate themselves.

Todd: Looking good, Louis!

Louis Winthorpe III: Feeling good, Todd.

Harry: We, uh, need a fourth for squash today, Louis. Are you interested?

Louis Winthorpe III: No can do. I'll be having dinner with Penelope tonight.

Andrew: Oh, lucky you.

Louis Winthorpe III: It's not luck. Todd.

Andrew: How the hell did you buy that shotgun leg?

Deputy Fallon: With the money I saved on socks.

Deputy Fallon: I hate the water.

Andrew: I hate the fish!

Andrew: You know what's strange about the book?

Lance Clayton: What?

Andrew: Kyle never talks about vaginas, anal sex, fisting, felching, or rimjobs.

Lance Clayton: Yeah, it is a little light in the felching area, you're right. But I think it's there, Andrew, in its own way.

Andrew: I think they're doing it.

Kyle: What? You think that they're fucking? Andrew, Andrew, you have to understand that fucking pussy's virgin shit, alright?

Jenny Herk: You, don't look at my ass when I walk away.

Andrew: I can't make that promise.

[leaves]

Andrew: Whoa. "You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside." You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.

Matt Arnold: Are you looking at her ass?

Andrew: Yeah.

[Matt and Andrew are getting prepared for a big water gun war at their friend, Jenny, in her home]

Andrew: So, what's the plan? Through the front?

Matt Arnold: [sarcastically] Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold. I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny."

[truthfully]

Matt Arnold: No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed. I just she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.

Jenny Herk: How do we wanna do this? We don't need to drag this any longer than it has to.

Andrew: You can shoot her in the crotch. You can be a couple.

Jenny Herk: This is a friend of yours?

Andrew: I would love to believe in a universe where you wake up and don't have to to go to work and you step outside and meet two beautiful 18-year-old sister who are also girlfriends and are also very nice people.

Richard Swersey: When me and Pam were first in love, we hated to be apart even for an hour.

Andrew: Oh yeah, I had something like that once. A real fuck-athon.

Richard Swersey: No, we just slept. We loved to sleep when it was time to sleep. Not sex- we had sex, but what we really loved was to sleep like babies all day long.

Andrew: That sounds perfect.

Andrew: Dude, did you just give her the family discount?

Richard Swersey: Yeah. She's my neighbor, and I'm trying to work on my karma. Do you know what karma means?

Andrew: Yeah.

Richard Swersey: It means that she owes me one.

[chastising a major actress]

Traci Levine: Thank God she's leaving!

Andrew: Can you believe Entertainment Weekly called her "the new sweetheart of American cinema?"

Traci Levine: That cunt? She made Julie take my table because she thought I hadn't bathed recently - like she should talk. Did you see her eat?

Andrew: Yeah. Did you check out her legs? Now I know why they call 'em calves.

Christian Markelli: I bet after sex, she smokes a ham.

[Lila appears]

Lila Montagne: Darling, give me a glass of Cuvée. I do hope we're not speaking disparagingly about our clientele. Gossip is so ignoble, especially regarding those less fortunate.

Traci Levine: Less fortunate, that bitch?

Andrew: You know somethin', tell!

Lila Montagne: No, I would never... tell tales such as... with the frequency she does it, the poor child must think that binging and purging are aerobic exercise.

Christian Markelli: She hardly looks bulimic!

Lila Montagne: Yes, if I were a different sort, I'd suggest a little more of the purging and a little less of the binging.

Andrew: Quit bitching. It's the early bird who gets the worm.

Christian Markelli: There's an incentive... Especially as we don't get pizza till two AM.

Andrew: Okay, here's the deal: After your training, I'm gonna set you up on a route.

Christian Markelli: A route? On my first day?

Andrew: It's what you do already. It's deliverin' food. Only this time you're drivin'. Think of yourself as a waiter on wheels.

Christian Markelli: [sarcastically] Great. Give me some hot pants and roller skates, this will be the fulfillment of a dream.

Andrew: [looks Christian up and down] For all of us.

Andrew: He wanna throw himself out the window.

Christian Markelli: What?

Traci Levine: So... you live on the first floor.

Andrew: Yes, but it's hell on my azaleas.

Julie: [to Traci] What, you would have sex to help your career?

Andrew: Honey, I'd blown a guy just to get him out of my apartment. Sex for my career would be noble.

Andrew: Nobody does it every night.

Abby: Malcolm and Beatrice do.

Andrew: Yeah, but they're chiropractors so you can't believe a word they say.

Mike: Slip your piece under the towel.

Andrew: I got no beef with you.

Mike: Are you sweet? Is that your problem?

Andrew: Come on, I'm on the job.

Mike: You ain't on my fuckin' job.

Andrew: So, how's the world of publishing?

Maggie: Fine. Very busy.

Andrew: Any news on the boyfriend front?

Maggie: I was kind of seeing someone. An author.

Andrew: And what happened?

Maggie: He committed suicide.

Andrew: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't...

Maggie: It's alright. Honestly. Really. I didn't really like him very much. I liked him even LESS after he committed suicide.

Andrew: How did he do it?

Maggie: Threw himself off a building.

Andrew: Eek.

Maggie: Couldn't even do that properly. It was only a three-story building. He would have survived, only a car ran him over.

[Andrew chuckles]

Maggie: It's not funny.

Andrew: Oh, it is slightly funny, Maggie.

Carol: I am not angry. I am just embarrassed. Is there anyone else down there you used to sleep with?

Andrew: It was 10 years ago! Christ, 10 years ago, you were married to someone else.

Carol: That is not the point. I did not try to keep it a secret.

Andrew: I didn't try and keep it a secret. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Carol: Didn't think it was worth mentioning? You were ENGAGED to that FUCK-MONSTER down there and you didn't think it was worth MENTIONING?

Andrew: No, I didn't!

Carol: So she WAS a fuck-monster.

Andrew: I did NOT say that!

Carol: You did not DENY it!

Andrew: I was just sitting here trying to work out *exactly* how I ruined my life.

Sarah: You think you're in trouble? I just tried to fuck a six-year-old.

Andrew: [laughs] You know, it's like - kindergarten, school, university, Black Hole.

Sarah: It's not that bad.

Andrew: Oh, yes, it is. In fact, it's SLIGHTLY worse than that.

Andrew: [Pointing to Peter's belly] And what's all this then?

Peter: It's called a pot-belly, Andrew. We have those in England, along with culture.

Andrew: Ah!

Andrew: I think adults are just children who owe money.

Carol: You know what I hate the most about being a public figure?

Andrew: What?

Carol: The public.

[Peter shows Andrew the play that the pair were working on before Andrew moved to the States]

Andrew: [pointing at the page] That's still a good joke.

Peter: [looking over] What is?

Andrew: [reading from the page] I've never fallen in love. I've stepped in it a few times.

[Andrew has been ranting drunkenly at great length. Then Peter shocks his friends by telling them that he is HIV-positive, making Andrew's problems seem small by comparison]

Andrew: I am an absolute dribbling arsehole. I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Peter. Oh, Peter!

[Andrew hugs Peter]

Carol: [doing aerobics] I could FEEL the cellulite building up on me on the plane. I wonder if any airlines have planes with gyms ON them.

Andrew: It's funny. I was gonna suggest we flew Gym Air, but I thought you'd prefer a plane with a seat.

Carol: I think a gym on a plane is a GOOD idea.

Andrew: And that's what makes you, you, darling.

Carol: Now, you promised you'd be nicer to me on this trip.

Andrew: That's cuz I thought we'd be getting away from it all. I didn't realize you were gonna bring it all with you.

Carol: You'd love me less if I were fat.

Andrew: [hesitates, about to speak, sighs] I think I'll take a walk.

Sarah: We can't all have our lives figured out as well as you do.

Andrew: I didn't say I had my life figured out, I said I had YOUR life figured out, love.

Andrew: [at the height of his drunken fury] Why the fuck did you invite me eh? You know, why the fuck any of us? Why this year, not any other bloody year? Is it because all our fucking lives are in such an optimum fucking mess that it needs Peter the Saviour to send us out on the world on New Year's Day, resurrected and directed? Because I'm here to tell you if that's your aim, my old fruit, from bitter fucking experience it hasn't worked!

Andrew: I can't believe Sarah. She seems to exist on a diet of fresh air and bonking!

Carol: You should know!

Sarah: It could have been worse.

Andrew: Yes, Sarah. It could have been worse. They could have attached electrodes to our genitals.

Peter: How long have you been married now?

Andrew: Almost three years.

Peter: Quite a long time for Hollywood, isn't it?

Andrew: Yeah.

Peter: Don't you get some kind of a plaque?

Andrew: Yes. We stay together five years I get a free hair transplant and she gets a new set of breasts.

Peter: What, so she'll have four?

Andrew: Yes, but her agent gets one.

Andrew: It's shit with a capital "sh".

Sarah: I'm disappointed in you. You used to be so romantic.

Andrew: Yeah, well now I'm rheumatic.

Sarah: You'll probably be stuck with that Joan Collins impersonator for the rest of your life!

Andrew: You're talking about the woman I almost love.

Sarah: God, I've never seen anyone wear more makeup! How does she take it off? With a chisel?

Andrew: I will not have my ex-wife... future ex-wife talked about like that.

Andrew: Oh, the fucking underground song! What a piece of shit! Who wrote that?

Roger: Guilty.

Andrew: I've always loved that song.

[Peter has explained to Carol that she and Andrew are in his room, and should be in the one next to it]

Carol: If this was my house, I'd want the best room too.

[Picks up one bag]

Carol: Andrew, bags!

[She leaves]

Andrew: She's fine when she's asleep

Carol: [from hallway] I heard that!

Andrew: [Struggling with Carol's suitcase] What the fuck have you got in here? Weights?

Carol: Yes.

Peter: [to Andrew] Did you bring a surfboard?

Andrew: No, that's just Carol.

[Carol, Maggie, Peter and Andrew are listening to the squeaking from upstairs, which they presume is Sarah and Brian, when Sarah arrives in the kitchen]

Sarah: Hi, guys.

[the others turn to face Sarah]

Peter: Now, that's what I call an extremely long dick.

Andrew: Well, if it isn't Sarah, is it us?

Maggie: It can only be Roger and Mary!

Peter: I assume they must have resolved their differences last night.

Andrew: [telephone rings] This is the acid test

[Squeaking stops for a few seconds, before resuming]

Andrew: Darlings!

Peter: Well, if you'll excuse me, I better go!

[Exits]

Peter: It's funny, with both my parents gone, I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to act maturely.

Andrew: Oh, well, I don't think anybody really matures. Adults are just children who owe money.

Andrew: It's New Year's fucking Eve! Even the pope has a drink on New Year's Eve.

Sarah: The pope doesn't get unpleasant.

Andrew: Am I unpleasant anyone?

Mary Charleston: Ben's fine.

Andrew: [In a blind, drunken stupour] Oh, can't you let one fucking hour go by without ringing the fucking baby sitter?

Roger: She's concerned about our child, Andrew! No need to be aggressive.

Andrew: [Sneers] Was that Roger the jingle writer? Did she speak?

[Snickers drunkenly]

Roger: I'd rather be Roger the jingle writer than Andrew the miserable bastard! I've never understood you. You'd like to think it was Hollywood but you were like this ten years ago.

Andrew: Like what?

Roger: Self-loathing!

Peter: [Andrew is furiously drunk and spewing hateful comments at everyone, causing arguments between the others] Look, look, it's two minutes to midnight... can we please just try to be nice to each other?

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, let's try to be nice to each other. Cause it's New Year's fucking Eve, isn't it? New Year's fucking Eve, in Peter's fucking mansion, where Peter gets to be the lord of the manor, and I get to regret ever leaving England!

Peter: Andrew I know this isn't you speaking, this is 'drunk you'.

Andrew: We went down about as well as a turd souffle.

Andrew: If there is a God, he takes a lot of long lunches.

Andrew: Carol will be down in a minute. She's just gluing her hair on.

Andrew: Now I don't know what this is about, but if I have something unfortunate hanging out of my nose and no one's told me, you're in big trouble.

Carol: Look at this armoire! Is it real?

Andrew: No, its imaginary!

Roger: Just one of those audience that enjoy it later, you know. They'll get home and think 'yes, I rather enjoyed it'.

Andrew: Oh will they? Well should we give them our individual telephone numbers then?

Peter: [Sarcastic] I for one should expect dozens of phone calls that said I looked bored shitless throughout the evening, that in reflection, Roger was right! I had a fantastic time!

Roger: You two are so cynical.

Andrew: I think we should hire a lawyer and sue that audience!

Maggie: We're not students anymore!

Andrew: Thank God!

Andrew: [Watching Peter fill a basket with firewood] Hello. just coming to see if you're doing it properly.

[Peter throws another log on]

Andrew: Oh, no, you're doing it all wrong - I'll have to help you!

Peter: Do you have wood in Los Angeles?

Andrew: Well, we have Hollywood!

Peter: Now, I don't want to have to tell you again, stop it, stop it now!

Andrew: [Carol's going back to LA] I thought we were going to work on it?

Carol: Well, if I thought for one second that you intended to try!

Andrew: I see. You know there's nothing between me and Sarah.

Carol: I know Sarah's not the problem. You're mad at you. Goodbye, sugar.

Andrew: Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

Ariel: How's your marriage?

Andrew: My marriage is fine.

Ariel: Ya?...

Andrew: It's not working but it's fine.

Andrew: I'm not a poet. I don't die for love. I work on Wall Street.

Andrew: It's nothing serious - just an arrow in his heart.

Ariel: Andrew, we'll get killed!

Andrew: No, no. Don't be silly. Trust me, it's me, Andrew... Trust me anyhow.

Ariel: He taught me a lot...

Andrew: Like what?

Ariel: Like how to listen to Mozart.

Andrew: With your ears, right?

Andrew: When are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.

Andrew: I didn't lie. I wasn't lying, Adrian. I was not lying. Do you want to know why I lied?

Maxwell: I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.

Andrew: Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up.

Andrew: He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.

Andrew: Only a drunken, infantile idiot shoots himself over love, not an internist.

Andrew: I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives.

Maxwell: Andrew, are you all right?

Andrew: Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose

Maxwell: You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

Andrew, Maxwell: Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.

Maxwell: He never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...

Andrew: Yeah? Who overcharges me?

Maxwell: But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?

Andrew: I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.

Maxwell: I never felt like this. The moment I smelled her I loved her.

Andrew: Well, smell someone else. She's taken.

Leopold: So, you're an inventor, hey?

Andrew: Crackpot inventor.

Adrian: Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell 'em about that.

Andrew: It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish, and if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.

Ariel: You showed me your latest invention.

Andrew: Of course, my musical house slippers. Remember that?

Leopold: I had the privilege of escorting Ariel through the Sistine Chapel for the first time in her life and explaining to her exactly why Michelangelo's ceiling was indeed great.

Ariel: When Raphael first laid eyes on it, he fainted.

Andrew: Had he eaten?

Adrian: [Referring to sex] I can't! It's disgusting!

Andrew: How can it be disgusting? I don't even have my clothes off.

Andrew: Adrian, this is the kitchen table. What are you doing?

Adrian: Making...

Andrew: We cannot have intercourse where we eat oatmeal!

[Andrew got an F on his spelling test]

Andrew: Mrs. Karkanie is giving me a do over. She says everyone get's a second chance.

Daniel: That's only because she's been married 5 times. Let me tell you something, sport, in the business world there are no second chances.

[location: in their van which is inside a refrigeration truck]

Andrew: It's freezing.

Franklin: Huddle together if you're cold, I'll turn on the heat.

Daniel: That's brilliant. See in order to get heat you have to turn on the engine, thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphixiation.

Franklin: In that case forget the heat. Hey who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?

Daniel: For God's sake, no I did not.

Franklin: How about you, Kayla?

Kayla: Girls don't fart.

Franklin: Really? Come over to my house sometime and ask my mom why all our cats committed suicide.

Andrew: Look, Mr. Kopek's working in his yard.

Daniel: Yeah. Let this be a lesson to you kids, the world says that he's too old to drive a car but look at him, he's a vibrant, healthy old man who can do anything he put's his mind to.

Andrew: Dad, Mr. Kopek's not wearing his pants.

Daniel: Yeah so from now on you kids stay away from him okay?

Andrew: I want to be the hostage!

Kayla: How come I never get to be the hostage?

Travis: That's because you're a girl.

Bucky: Hey, girls can be hostages, too. I mean, we're moving toward the twenty-first century and girls can be whatever they want.

Kayla: Right on, sister.

Daniel: Ok, quiet down or nobody gets to be the hostage!

Bucky: Well, that made sense, dad.

Theresa: [at the wedding altar] ... and so I know, Andrew, that you will always, always protect me.

Andrew: Word.

Andrew: You're knocking over my career!

Jimmy: Are you him?

Andrew: Well, I'm certainly not her.

Andrew: I hope he calls back.

Amelia: I don't.

Andrew: What do you mean? I thought that's what I needed to be here for. Those sickos are the loneliest slimiest... hello cookies... hmm... I like.

Andrew: I just wanted to get to know you better, that's all.

Liza: Nice try, Andrew, but now is not the right moment.

Andrew: Well, I suppose watching my videotape of monkeys fucking is totally out of the question?

Ellie: You know what I don't get?

Andrew: Tell us.

Ellie: Okay, why the Pope rides around in a bulletproof car. I just don't get that. I mean, what is he afraid of, eternal bliss?

[Dave is recording a log of the expedition out into nothing]

Dave: As far as the surface goes, it's, ah...

[jumps]

Dave: ...kinda bouncy, like, uh...

Andrew: Tofu!

Dave: What?

Andrew: Tofu. I've, I've never actually had it, but I think maybe this is what it would feel like to walk on it.

Dave: [jumps] You're right. The nothingness looks, feels and bounces like tofu... which, ironically, tastes like nothing.

Andrew: I'm getting hungry.

Dave: No food for another two hours.

Andrew: Maybe we slipped into another dimension.

Dave: There has to be something to eat.

Andrew: Like through a portal or something.

Dave: There's nothing to eat!

Andrew: A space-time continuum.

Dave: Where's the food?

Andrew: A black hole, or a red dwarf. Time warp! Maybe we fell into some sort of time warp. Abducted! Yes! Maybe that's it, we were abducted by aliens!

[Dave is babbling insanely on the floor and assembling a trap out of the garbage can]

Andrew: And they've taken us back to their planet and put us in some kind of zoo with a sign that said, "Don't feed the humans," which is crazy, because we'll die, and who's gonna want to go to the zoo to see two dead humans? Unless they're going to eat us, but why wouldn't they want to fatten us up before the slaughter? Unless they're feeding us, and we just don't know it! Or they're not feeding us and they're just waiting and watching to see how we'll react, what we'll do! What are you doing?

Dave: I'm making a trap!

Andrew: For what?

Dave: The food! The food, you idiot, the food!

Andrew: Oh my God, we're going to die.

Dave: For once, I don't think you're overreacting.

Dave: I'm not mad at you. You want to know why? Because I hated it away. Because this is stupid. I mean, we've been friends for 21 years. I don't want to be mad at you. I don't want you to be mad at me. I want us to have fun. I want us to be happy. And I think we can. I mean, I'm out there and I'm all pissed off at you, and then I was like, well, fuck it! We can do whatever we want, right? So I say, fuck being mad with each other. So what do you say? Why don't you take whatever it is that's bothering you about me and just hate it away?

Andrew: Because I don't want to.

Dave: What do you mean? Why not?

Andrew: Because this is something I want to remember.

Dave: Why?

Andrew: Because you're the type of person who abandons his best friend, and that's something I don't want to forget.

Dave: Fuck you! Shit, now I'm mad again.

Dave: You ever killed a man?

Andrew: What? No! Have you?

Dave: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: You have?

Dave: [taps head] In here, loads of times. I'm just saying, you have to be mentally prepared. It could get bloody in there.

Andrew: Bloody?

Dave: Yeah. Now say something funny.

Andrew: What?

Dave: You say something funny; I laugh, you laugh, and we look like two guys out for a stroll around the neighborhood, not two guys ready to kill someone without a moment's hesitation!

Andrew: [squinting] That looks like our house.

Dave: Ah ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! Ha! Oh, yeah! Ha, ha! That's a good one! Ha, ha, ha, ha ...

Andrew: No, that really does look like our house!

Dave: No mercy. You got that?

Andrew: Yeah.

Dave: So say it.

Andrew: [hesitantly] No... mercy.

Dave: You sound like a Frenchman! Say it like you mean it.

Andrew: I just saw a candybar.

Dave: What? We didn't bring any candybars.

[Andrew points]

Dave: Andrew! That's not a candybar! That's a dwelling of some sort! You did it, buddy! We're saved!

Andrew: [jumping up and down] Candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar!

[Dave looks embarrassed]

Andrew: Candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candy -

[Dave slaps him]

Andrew: You're right! It is a dwelling of some sort!

Andrew: Hey!

Dave: Oh, sorry.

Andrew: You did that on purpose!

Dave: What do you mean?

Andrew: I was just about to beat you for the first time, and you shut off the game!

Dave: No I didn't.

Andrew: Yes you did!

Dave: Well, it was an accident.

Andrew: I - I can't believe this! I was gonna win!

Dave: Fine, you want to play again?

Andrew: Fine! Let's play again!

Dave: Well, not if you're gonna be like that.

Man In Suit: In accordance with Section 37, Bylaw 315, which states that no area may be zoned for residential purposes within 100 yards of a freeway. This house can't be here.

Dave: But it *is* here.

Man In Suit: But not for long.

Andrew: This is my house, you can't just take it away!

Dave: Not without paying for it.

Man In Suit: Well of course, we *would* pay it...

Dave: Right.

Man In Suit: But according to our records, this address doesn't exist.

Dave: Doesn't exist, of course it exists!

Man In Suit: Not according to our records, you see?

Dave: Well, if it doesn't exist, how can you tear it down?

Man In Suit: Because it's in violation of Section 37, Bylaw 31. You have to 'til 3 o'clock.

Andrew: That's the tricky thing. It's the difference between this and bungee jumping, is that bungee jumping, you just walk to the edge and jump...

Ben: ...and the whole thing takes care of you...

Andrew: ...and you don't have to have a hard-on to bungee jump.

Ben: What a wild life you live, my friend.

Andrew: Enh. You always have the option of doing what I'm doing, and I don't know that I so much have the option of doing what you're doing.

Ben: Ah, it's easy. You just go to a grocery store, you find someone with long hair that's a girl, start kissing her, one thing leads to another. Then you buy her a ring, you get married, you buy a house. And soon enough you're converting your upstairs office into a potential baby room.

Andrew: Are you fucking serious?

Ben: Not yet, but we're on the path. We've officially removed the goalie, and now we're just doing free kicks.

Andrew: I'm going to count to five and we're going to fuckin' *kiss* and we're just going to do it. Alright.

Ben: You ready?

Andrew: You ready?

Ben: Yup!

Andrew: You ready?

Ben: Ready.

Andrew: Ready?

Ben: Five...

[in unison]

Ben: four, three, two, one.

Andrew: [jumps at Ben. They open-mouth "kiss", but without moving at all; and they hold this for at least ten seconds; then they release and stand back]

Ben: [pauses, then sounds happily relieved] It wasn't that bad!

Andrew: [laughing] No, it was just... it's weird, I've never kissed stubble before.

Ben: Wasn't that bad!

Andrew: It wasn't *terrible*.

Ben: It wasn't terrible, no, it wasn't terrible.

Andrew: [long pause] Yeah, that was awful.

Ben: Dude, that was awful.

[pause]

Ben: Okay...

Andrew: Uhhhhh...

Ben: This is gonna be hard.

Andrew: Yeah, that puts a little wrench in the works, doesn't it?

Andrew: That drag queen is amazing, huh Billy? He totally looks like a woman.

Billy: [to Georgiana] Ok, I need to know that his penis is large enough to sustain this relationship.

Andrew: [to Connelly] HEY, FUCK OFF JOHNY UTAH! TURN MY PAGES, BITCH!

Uncle Frank: You got any friends, Andy?

Andrew: No.

Uncle Frank: Oh, why's that?

Andrew: I don't know, I just never really saw the use.

Uncle Frank: Well, who are you going to play with otherwise? Lennon and McCartney, they were school buddies, am I right?

Andrew: Charlie Parker didn't know anybody 'til Jo Jones threw a cymbal at his head.

Uncle Frank: So that's your idea of success, huh?

Andrew: I think being the greatest musician of the 20th century is anybody's idea of success.

Jim: Dying broke and drunk and full of heroin at the age of 34 is not exactly my idea of success.

Andrew: I'd rather die drunk, broke at 34 and have people at a dinner table talk about me than live to be rich and sober at 90 and nobody remembered who I was.

Uncle Frank: Ah, but your friends will remember you, that's the point.

Andrew: None of us were friends with Charlie Parker. *That's* the point.

Uncle Frank: Travis and Dustin? They have plenty of friends and plenty of purpose.

Andrew: I'm sure they'll make great school board presidents someday.

Dustin: Oh, that's what this is all about? You think you're better than us?

Andrew: You catch on quick. Are you in Model UN?

Travis: I got a reply for you, Andrew. You think Carleton football's a joke? Come play with us.

Andrew: Four words you will never hear from the NFL.

Aunt Emma: Who wants dessert?

Terence Fletcher: Were you rushing or were you dragging?

Andrew: I-I don't know.

Terence Fletcher: Start counting!

Andrew: Five, six...

Terence Fletcher: In four, dammit! Look at me!

Andrew: One, two, three, four.

[Fletcher slaps him the face]

Andrew: One, two, three, four.

[Fletcher slaps him again]

Andrew: One, two, three...

Terence Fletcher: Now, was I rushing or I was dragging?

Andrew: I don't know.

Terence Fletcher: Count again.

Andrew: One, two, three, four.

[slap in the face]

Andrew: One, two, three, four.

[another slap in the face]

Andrew: One, two, three, four...

Terence Fletcher: Rushing or dragging?

Andrew: Rushing.

Terence Fletcher: [yelling] So, you do know the difference!

Terence Fletcher: You are upset.

[Andrew nods yes]

Terence Fletcher: Say it.

Andrew: I'm upset.

Terence Fletcher: Say it so the whole band can hear you.

Andrew: [a little louder] I'm upset!

Terence Fletcher: Louder!

Andrew: [loud] I'm upset!

Terence Fletcher: LOUDER!

Andrew: [louder] I'M UPSET!

Terence Fletcher: You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn't Eugene O'Neill, and who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a fucking nine-year old girl! So for the final, FATHER-FUCKING time, SAY IT LOUDER!

Andrew: [at the top of his lungs] I'M UPSET!

Terence Fletcher: [going back to compose the band] Start practicing harder, Nieman.

[First Lines]

Andrew: [Andrew stop playing because Fletcher enters the room] I'm sorry, I...

Terence Fletcher: What's your name?

Andrew: Andrew Neiman sir.

Terence Fletcher: What year are you?

Andrew: I'm a... first year.

Terence Fletcher: You know who I am?

Andrew: Yes sir.

Terence Fletcher: So, you know that I'm looking for players?

Andrew: Yes sir.

Terence Fletcher: Then why did you stop playing?

Terence Fletcher: [Andrew resumes playing] Did I ask you to star playing again?

Andrew: Uh... sorry , I...

Terence Fletcher: I ask why you stop playing and your version of an answer was to turn into a wind-up monkey.

Andrew: Sorry, I...

Terence Fletcher: Show me your rudiments.

Andrew: Yes sir.

[Andrew plays while Fletcher removes his jacket and puts it on a rack]

Terence Fletcher: Double-time swing.

[Andrew resumes playing]

Terence Fletcher: No, double time. Double it!

[Andrew resumes playing]

Terence Fletcher: Faster. Faster!

[Andrew continues playing until he hears Fletcher slam the door out]

Terence Fletcher: [Fletcher goes back to the room] Upsy-daisy. Forget my jacket!

Terence Fletcher: I don't think people understood what it was I was doing at Shaffer. I wasn't there to conduct. Any fucking moron can wave his arms and keep people in tempo. I was there to push people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that is... an absolute necessity. Otherwise, we're depriving the world of the next Louis Armstrong. The next Charlie Parker. I told you that story about how Charlie Parker became Charlie Parker, right?

Andrew: Jo Jones threw a cymbal at his head.

Terence Fletcher: Exactly. Parker's a young kid, pretty good on the sax. Gets up to play at a cutting session, and he fucks it up. And Jones nearly decapitates him for it. And he's laughed off-stage. Cries himself to sleep that night, but the next morning, what does he do? He practices. And he practices and he practices with one goal in mind, never to be laughed at again. And a year later, he goes back to the Reno and he steps up on that stage, and plays the best motherfucking solo the world has ever heard. So imagine if Jones had just said, "Well, that's okay, Charlie. That was all right. Good job." And then Charlie thinks to himself, "Well, shit, I did do a pretty good job." End of story. No Bird. That, to me, is an absolute tragedy. But that's just what the world wants now. People wonder why jazz is dying.

Andrew: But is there a line? You know, maybe you go too far, and you discourage the next Charlie Parker from ever becoming Charlie Parker?

Terence Fletcher: No, man, no. Because the next Charlie Parker would never be discouraged.

Andrew: [after being replaced by another drummer] Are you serious? That shit?

Terence Fletcher: Now are you a rusher, or are you a dragger or are you gonna be ON MY FUCKING TIME?

Andrew: I'll be on your time.

Terence Fletcher: You're here for a reason. You believe that, right?

Andrew: Yeah.

Terence Fletcher: Say it.

Andrew: *I'm here for a reason*

Terence Fletcher: [Smiling] Cool. All right, man. Have fun

[last lines]

Terence Fletcher: [Andrew keeps playing after the music ends] Andrew, what are you doing, man?

Andrew: I'll cue you in!

Andrew: I'm just gonna lay it out there. This is why I don't think we should be together. And I've thought about it a lot and this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna keep pursuing what I'm pursuing. And because I'm doing that, it's gonna take up more and more of my time. And I'm not gonna be able to spend as much time with you. And when I do spend time with you, I'm gonna be thinking about drumming. And I'm gonna be thinking about jazz music, my charts, all that. And because of that, you're gonna start to resent me. And you're gonna tell me to ease up on the drumming, spend more time with you because you're not feeling important. And I'm not gonna be able to do that. And really, I'm gonna start to resent you for even asking me to stop drumming. And we're just gonna start to hate each other. And it's gonna get very... It's gonna be ugly. And so for those reasons, I'd rather just, you know, break it off clean... because I wanna be great.

Nicole: And you're not?

Andrew: I wanna be one of the greats.

Nicole: And I would stop you from doing that?

Andrew: Yeah.

Nicole: You know I would stop you from doing that. You know, for a fact?

Andrew: Yes.

Nicole: And I'd barely see you anyway?

Andrew: Yeah.

Nicole: And when I do see you, you'd treat me like shit because I'm just some girl who doesn't know what she wants. And you have a path, and you're gonna be great, and I'm going to be forgotten, and therefore you won't be able to give me the time of day because you have bigger things to pursue?

Andrew: That's exactly my point.

Nicole: What the fuck is wrong with you? You're right, we should not be dating.

Andrew: Hey. Sorry, I'm late.

Terence Fletcher: Well, glad you could fit us into your busy schedule, darling.

Andrew: I know. Look, sorry I'm late, but uh... I'm here, I'm ready to go.

Terence Fletcher: Connelly's playing the part.

Andrew: Yeah, like fuckin' hell he's playing my part.

Terence Fletcher: What the fuck did you just say to me?

Andrew: It's my part.

Terence Fletcher: It's my part and I decide who to lend it to. Usually it's someone who has fucking sticks.

Terence Fletcher: At 5:30, that's in exactly 11 minutes, my band is on stage. If your ass is not on that stool with your own fucking sticks in hand or you make ONE FUCKING MISTAKE, ONE! I will drum your ass back to Nassau where you can turn pages until you graduate or fucking drop out! By the time you're done at Shaffer, you're gonna make Daddy look like a fucking success story. Got it? Or, we can let Johnny Utah play the part. You choose.

Andrew: It's my part, I'll be on your stage.

[Rushes to pick up his rudiments, but turns to Connelly]

Andrew: Fuck you!

Terence Fletcher: Why do you suppose I just hurled a chair at your head, Nieman?

Andrew: I-I don't know.

Terence Fletcher: Sure, you do.

Andrew: The tempo?

Terence Fletcher: Were you rushing or were you dragging?

Andrew: I-I don't know.

Terence Fletcher: Truth is, I don't think people... understood what it was I was doing at Shaffer. I wasn't there to conduct. Any fucking moron can wave his arms and keep people in tempo. I was there to push people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that is an absolute necessity. Otherwise, we are depriving the world of the next Louis Armstrong, the next Charlie Parker. I told you that story about how Charlie Parker became Charlie Parker, right?

Andrew: Jo Jones threw a cymbal at his head.

Terence Fletcher: Exactly. Parker's a young kid, pretty good on the sax, gets up to play at a cutting session, and he fucks it up. And Jones nearly decapitates him for it. And he's laughed off stage. But the next morning, what does he do? He practices. And he practices, and he practices with one goal in mind: Never too be laughed at again. And a year later he goes back to the Reno and he steps up on that stage and he plays the best motherfucking solo the world has ever heard. So imagine if Jones just said "Well, that's okay Charlie. That was alright. Good job." Then Charlie thinks to himself "Well, shit. I did do a pretty good job." End of story. No Bird. That, to me, is an absolute tragedy. But that's just what the world wants now. People wonder why jazz is dying. I'll tell you, man - and every Starbucks "jazz" album just proves my point, really - there are no two words in the English language more harmful than "good job".

Andrew: But is there a line? You know, maybe you go too far and you discourage the next Charlie Parker from ever becoming Charlie Parker?

Terence Fletcher: No, man, no. Because the next Charlie Parker would never be discouraged.

Andrew: Yeah.

Terence Fletcher: The truth is, Andrew, I never really had a Charlie Parker. But I tried. I actually fucking tried, and that's more than most people ever do. And I will never apologize for how I tried.

Terence Fletcher: Nieman, you lost the fucking part.

Andrew: No, I didn't! You can't fucking do this to me!

Terence Fletcher: CAN'T?

Andrew: Yeah!

Terence Fletcher: When did you become a fucking expert on what I can or cannot do, you fucking weepy willow shitsack?

Andrew: I earned that part.

Terence Fletcher: You never earned anything. God, you are a self-righteous prick. The only reason you are a core is because you misplaced a folder. The only reason you're in studio band to begin with is because I told you EXACTLY what I'd be asking for in Nassau! Am I wrong?

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. I'm in studio band because I'm the best player...

Ryan: [interrupts] Hey, why don't you just back off, bro?

Andrew: Hey, you know, fuck off, Johnny Utah! Turn my pages, bitch!

Terence Fletcher: Hey, I can cut you any fucking time I want.

Andrew: You would've cut me by now.

Terence Fletcher: Try me, you fucking weasel!

Andrew: [kicks drumset out of the way and tackles Fletcher] Piece of shit! I'll fucking kill you! Fuck you!

Terence Fletcher: Get the fuck off me!

Andrew: [being restrained by band members] Get the fuck off me! Fuck off! Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you, Fletcher! Fuck you!

Andrew: Hey, look, I can play these charts.

Terence Fletcher: [visibly distraught after phone call] Now is not the time, I swear to God.

Andrew: I can play it, okay?

Terence Fletcher: I SAID NOT NOW! If you want the fucking part, earn it.

Carl Tanner: I need to look at the music.

Andrew: Oh yeah, it's right here.

Carl Tanner: Why isn't it on you?

Andrew: [notices the folder is missing] Where's the folder?

Carl Tanner: You're joking, right?

Andrew: I'm not. No, literally... no. I-I-I swear, I just had it here two seconds ago. It's gotta be around here.

Carl Tanner: How could you be so fucking stupid?

Andrew: I don't know, maybe a janitor came by or something...

Carl Tanner: A janitor? FIND THE FUCKING FOLDER! A FUCKING JANITOR? YOU'RE A DUMB FUCK! A DUMB FUCK!

[last lines; during Andrew's drum solo]

Terence Fletcher: What the hell are you doing, man?

Andrew: I'll cue you.

[repeated line]

Andrew: I'm upset!

Andrew: You haven't told me who you are.

Nina: I'm a dancer.

Andrew: No, I meant your name.

Nina: Oh, Nina.

Tom: So are you two sisters?

Nina: No.

Lily: Yes! Blood sisters.

Nina: We dance in the same company.

Tom: Ah, ballerinas. No wonder you two look alike.

Lily: So, you know, Tom and Jerry here are gay lovers.

Andrew: I've never been to the ballet.

Lily: Well then you are definitely not gay.

Tom: I think it's kind of boring though, isn't it?

Nina: No it's not!

Lily: No. You know what? It's just not for everyone.

Andrew: She's not like that.

Dale: Like what, normal?

Andrew: Like you.

Dale: Let me tell you something Andy, they're *all* like me.

[first lines]

Andrew: [calling to his escaped Cockatoo] Charlie. Charlie, come on.

[last lines]

Andrew: Don't worry, she's gone.

Lorna: What? I don't want to be here with you.

Andrew: I can't stop thinking of you.

Lorna: Andrew.

Andrew: I can't.

Lorna: Andrew, your wife's funeral's in here.

Andrew: She's not my wife. You're my wife. I married her because you left.

Lorna: I have an idea. Why don't you and I make out in front of her dead body? It would excite you, huh?

Andrew: This has nothing to do with her.

Lorna: You don't think so? You don't think this is her day?

Andrew: She's dead now! She doesn't have to worry now!

Lorna: You shit, you've gone crazy.

Andrew: No I haven't.

[tries to touch her]

Andrew: I masturbate thinking about you.

[Lorna turns and walks in the room]

Andrew: That time in the car - in Santa Cruz... You drove me crazy. Nobody can make me come like that. Only you can do that.

[approaching her]

Andrew: Do you think about me? Tell me! Tell me if you think about me sometimes!

[looks her in this eyes, closely]

Andrew: If you don't, I'll get out of here right now.

Lorna: Did she know about this?

[Andrew kisses Lorna]

Andrew: I want you bare assed on the leather!

Joey: [after spotting a guy with "Ding" shirt and another guy with "Dong" shirt together] I want my Ding.

Andrew: I want my Dong.

Andrew: [places bag of fertilizer in flower bed] Got shit?

Andrew: [role-playing] Alex, is X here?

X: You request the services of X? Call me X.

X: [after Andrew puts his arm around X's shoulders before the wedding ceremony] What are you doing?

Andrew: Accepting who I am.

X: It feels like you're showing off.

[Andrew removes his arm from around X's shoulders]

X: [in church, just as the father is escorting Jill down the aisle] I know it's corny, but... isn't it romantic?

Andrew: I don't believe you want me to give up.

X: Don't spoil it.

Andrew: I wonder if we'll ever be able to do this in my lifetime?

X: [after X catches Andrew being kissed by Matthew] Hey, don't mind me.

Andrew: heh

[shakes head]

Andrew: I give up... you win again.

Andrew: I really wanted a different ending.

X: As long as we get an ending.

X: [voice inside X's head] Forgive me father, I was insanely jealous.

Andrew: [reading a letter from his father] Dear boys, it was good to get your letters and to hear all is going well.

Thomas Hudson: [voice-over] So much has changed since you were here. The war still seems remote to us on the island but yet closer. There are few more refugees coming through in here now. The Germans are sinking a lot of ships in the stream between here and Florida. Sometimes at night, you can see them burning. Often two or three at the time. There isn't enough Navy, British or American, around to do anything about them. Work has been progressing steadily and well since you've left. I have completed five or six pieces to sell in New York and now I'm working very hard so we can fish. I love the sea. And would not be anywhere else. She's my home, my religion. Or perhaps correctly I should say that she is what we have instead of religion or God. She creates life and she ends it. She has beauty and great mystery. And she's eternal. This island is a lovely place. But the house is empty. I think I know almost all there is to know about living alone. And I know what it is to love with someone who you love and who loves you. I've always loved you, boys. But I never before realised how bad it is that I do not live with you. I feel isolated. I keep remembering how happy I became you were all here. And moved into a part of me that when you've moved out became empty. And it's been bad for a long time. When you were here we experienced happiness.

Andrew: [still reading] No deny that I'm longing for it. But I know that loneliness is only stage and the way until you all come back.

Thomas Hudson: [voice-over] All my love, your father.

Andrew: I'm only asking me if you want me to stay so you wouldn't be lonesome.

Eddy: I've never been lonesome in my life, now. I'm just happy. What I've got here makes me happy.

[After Sam rescues Andrew by shooting him]

Andrew: [musingly] I can't believe you shot me.

Sam: Well, what would you have done?

Andrew: [nonchalant] Oh, I'd have shot you, of course.

Sam: So if the two of you are being shot at, which bullet do I take?

Andrew: Why you must try for both, of course.

Andrew: [last lines]

Andrew: We shouldn't have split up, we should've stayed together.

Andrew: [as everyone stares at a dangling, dismembered corpse] No, he didn't do it to scare us. He did it to gather us, so he could pick who's next.

Andrew: When I was younger, I had this schizo relative - Uncle Victor. He's a pilot. He was... he was... in the U.S. Air Force.

Gina: They don't let schizos fly jets.

Andrew: He didn't start off like that. It wasn't till he claimed he was abducted by some sort of being, some being that said something was gonna happen to the Earth in the future.

Karla: And you expect us to listen to some loony abduction story out here?

Heather: Just let him continue. Please?

Andrew: This is my nightmare. This is what I've dreamt a thousand times.

Mason: WHY am I sittin' here like some ebony meatloaf?

Andrew: Because we're gonna drag that thing to an alter of violent death, that's why.

Andrew: I've touched your wonderful body, now I wanted to see it. All of it!

Phyllis: How dare you even suggest such a thing? I am a nice jewish girl! My brother is a rabbi.

Andrew: Yeah, well, it's not your brothers body I want to look at, it's yours!

Daly: What happened?

Andrew: I guess I trusted somebody before they earned it.

Andrew: What are you doing with a gun?

Bob: We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm a boy scout. Do the math!

Andrew: We trusted you, and you are killing us.

Spencer: What are you writing, Sadie?

Sadie: A letter.

Andrew: To who?

Sadie: To my mother.

Spencer: Your mother?

Sadie: [finishing writing] Yes. I try to write to her at least once a year. It's the only way...

Spencer: You really think she's gonna get that? I mean, do you even think you're going to get a chance to send it? There is no more postal service, Sadie. I hate to break it to you, but the only way your mom is gonna get that letter is if you give it to her yourself when all of this is over.

Sadie: My mother is dead. She died when I was 12. She didn't tell anyone; she was so stubborn like that. And then when she was gone it was... So I write to her. It's the only way... it's the only thing I have left.

Andrew: Why the torture?

Ahmed: It may be torture for you, but it's pleasure for me.

[Paul is very drunk]

Paul Prior: Hey, I've got a joke. What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Andrew: I don't know.

Paul Prior: Ask your mother!

Andrew: You think you're the one being decent? Swanning in here like some film star with your accent...

Paul Prior: You know nothing about me.

Paul Prior: Another job came through - so I'm leaving - tomorrow.

Andrew: Well, you obviously have more important things... I'll see you in another 17, Paul.

Andrew: You know, sometimes I look at you and all I see is him. Just him. I find that quite disheartening

Paul Prior: Yeah, well, at least I didn't marry my mother.

Andrew: All this time I wondered why you upped and left. You knew what he was up to didn't you... You know the really sad part - I didn't even find out until I read the will... You killed me when you walked away and left me with that evil piece of scum. You had the gall to come back here and bring that thing into our house, my mother's house... Like father, like son.