Alonzo Hawk Quotes in Herbie Rides Again (1974)

Secretary: I'm sorry, Mr. Hawk. I called the motel but they said your nephew checked out.

Alonzo Hawk: [angrily] What do you mean he's checked out? When? Where? Who told him he could check out? How dare he disappear when he knows I'm worried sick? I'll tear his chicken-livered gizzard to pieces! I'll stomp him silly! I'll take this letter knife, and I'll stab that kid right in his ungrateful breastbone! You know me Millicent, normally I'm a kindly, fun-loving fellow! But when I get crossed...

[weakly, slumping down at desk]

Alonzo Hawk: I go bananas.

Alonzo Hawk: [speaking to his secretary about a group of men in his office] Who're these clowns?

Secretary: They're your new lawyers, Mr. Hawk. You fired the others yesterday.

Alonzo Hawk: Okay, fellas, now I want to tear down the Steinmetz firehouse. Okay?

Lawyer-Second Team: Just a moment, Mr. Hawk. Do you have the necessary permit?

Alonzo Hawk: [suddenly becomes angry] Of course I don't have a permit! I don't even own the land yet!

Lawyer-Second Team: Sorry, Mr. Hawk. Such an action would only jeopardize your entire legal standing of your new building. We can't permit...

Alonzo Hawk: [shouts angrily] Will you get outta here? I didn't hire you to tell me what I can't do, I hired you to tell me how I could do it! GOOOOOO!

[lawyers run out of the office]

[Alonzo Hawk is lying on the couch in his office after having an angry fit over the phone with his nephew]

Lawyer: Don't worry, Mr. Hawk. I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning.

Alonzo Hawk: Ah, stop talking like an idiot. I feel better right now! Alonzo Hawk can be betrayed, but he is never defeated! Out of my way!

[Gets up and moves to his desk]

Alonzo Hawk: Since none of you pitful excuses for men have enough muscle to move a feeble little old lady off her property, I'll go and do it myself, like I have to everything around here that's important .

Lawyer: Now, now, Mr. Hawk...

Alonzo Hawk: Oh, shut up! We'll start on Number 1 - Harassment! And I wrote the book on harrassment - We'll shut up her phone, turn off her water; we'll sic the Health & Building inspectors on her, steal her dog.

Lawyer: She doesn't have a dog.

Alonzo Hawk: What do you mean she doesn't have a dog? A little old lady living in a place like that? Who looks out for her? How does she get around?

Lawyer: She has a little car she goes everywhere in.

Alonzo Hawk: Well then, you fellows go and pick it up!

Lawyer: Yes, Mr. Hawk!

[the lawyers start to leave]

Alonzo Hawk: [Mutters to himself] Bunch of lame-brains!

[shouts to his lawyers]

Alonzo Hawk: Hold it! Hold it! You fellows will probably even foul up on a simple assignment like this. The first team is on the job now - I'LL go and pick the car up myself!

[Gets up and walks out of the office]

Alonzo Hawk: Over-rated cage of PINHEADS!

Alonzo Hawk: At the tender age of nineteen, I was the best known repossessor of cars west of the Mississippi. Hot-wire Hawk, they called me.

Alonzo Hawk: [being stopped by a policeman in traffic] The traffic commissioner shall hear of this!

Traffic Commissioner: I *am* the commissioner.

Alonzo Hawk: Then what're you doing in that monkey suit? A traffic commissioner would dress in dignified clothes.

Traffic Commissioner: This happens to be my dress uniform. I was on my way to the ceremony for I Am A Policeman Day.

[a window washer appears behind Alonzo Hawk to wash the window. The noise of the machine disturbs Hawk, who angrily orders the washer to stop and quickly leave]

Alonzo Hawk: [flinging the window open] You idiot! What do you think you're doing?

Window washer: Washing the windows. Every Wednesday. Mr. Hawk's orders.

Alonzo Hawk: I'm Mr. Hawk! Get outta here!

Window washer: Okay. Cancel the windows.

[He moves his platform away, but not before calling out to Hawk to remind him of the window, that was left opened, before he left]

Window washer: And you better shut the window; runs up the air-conditioning bill!

Alonzo Hawk: [yelling] You're fired! Get your money and...

Window washer: [calling] Mr. Hawk's orders!

Alonzo Hawk: They may harass me, but don't let them ever think they have me beaten. That is when Alonzo Hawk is at his most dangerous.

Secretary: Yes, sir.

Alonzo Hawk: [Hawk is in Rome; sees the Coliseum] What a location.

Taxi Driver: Ah, si, the mighty Coliseum. The Glory of Rome. Doesn't it stir your imagination?

Alonzo Hawk: You bet it does, baby. Do you realize what a shopping center we can put up there? Plenty of parking, too.

[a disturbed look then comes to the taxi driver's face, after hearing this remark]

Traffic Commissioner: Ah, it's you again, Mr. Hawk.

Alonzo Hawk: Save me! Save me! They're after me! They're after me!

Traffic Commissioner: Who's after you?

Alonzo Hawk: Those little cars, hundreds of them. Can't you see them, you idiot?

Traffic Commissioner: Mr. Hawk, I wonder would you mind coming down to my place of business?

Alonzo Hawk: I would be happy to. I would - Ooh, oh, oh, ahh!

[Alonso Hawk's final line]

[Alonzo Hawk is aroused in the middle of the night by his phone ringing and ending the nightmare of Herbie, attacking him]

Alonzo Hawk: [answering the phone] Yeah, what is it?

Loostgarten: [on the phone] Sorry to disturb you at this time of the night, Mr. Hawk, but a guy with my job can't afford to make mistakes.

Alonzo Hawk: What are you talking about?

Loostgarten: That address you gave me on the phone.

Alonzo Hawk: Well, what about it?

Loostgarten: Uh, 343 Oleander Heights. Are you sure that's the right address?

Alonzo Hawk: Of course I'm sure, you idiot! I know it as well as my own address.

[hangs up and starts to lie back down, then suddenly sits up with alarm]

Alonzo Hawk: Wait a minute! It is my own address!

[but it's too late; Loostgarten starts to tear down Mr. Hawk's home]

Alonzo Hawk: [after his speech about the groundbreaking of his new building] Get those deadheads out of here, will you? What are they going to do, stand around all day drinking my booze?

Alonzo Hawk: [to Biff] Why, if you weren't deductible, I'd disown you!

Professor Ned Brainard: [speaking to Daggett about his meeting at Washington] Things aren't quite as simple as I hoped they'd be.

Alonzo Hawk: So they gave you the ol' dipsy-do, huh? They really sandbagged you. They hung your hide up on the barn door to dry.

President Rufus Daggett: Professor, am I to assume something has gone amiss?

Professor Ned Brainard: Well...

President Rufus Daggett: But I thought they were delighted with your discovery.

Professor Ned Brainard: Oh, they are. It's just... Well, it's a little hard to explain.

Alonzo Hawk: May I?

[walks up to Brainard and Daggett]

Alonzo Hawk: Allow me to boil it down for you gentlemen, and you'll be sure if I get it straight?

[to Brainard]

Alonzo Hawk: Number one: the boys in Washington latched onto your little discovery so you can't sell it anywhere else.

[Brainard nods slowly]

Alonzo Hawk: Number two: they're not about to give you any money until they think it over. Number three: meantime, you've got no money. How am I doing?

[Brainard nods again]

Alonzo Hawk: Number four: somebody'd better lay 350,000 clams on the barrel-head, first of the month by 9AM, to pay off the short-term loan made to this college by the Auld Lang Syne Insurance and Loan Company, or else, exactly at 9:03, a fleet of bulldozers owned by the Auld Lang Syne Demolition and Wrecking Company will start rolling through those hallowed gates and start flattening these ivy-covered walls in all directions. Period! End of story! Very sad. But, uh, personally, I'm crazy about it.

[chuckles]

President Rufus Daggett: I can't believe you'd do a thing like that, Mr. Hawk.

Alonzo Hawk: Oh, you can't?

President Rufus Daggett: No.

Alonzo Hawk: Well, boys, it looks like I'm calling the tune again. Anybody care to dance?