All Quotes in It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)

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All Quotes:

  • [Pike and Sylvester are digging into a hole that suddenly becomes too close]

    Sylvester Marcus: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me.

    Lennie Pike: What are you talking about 'bugging'?

    Sylvester Marcus: Cut out, cut out.

    Lennie Pike: What's this 'cut out' talk?

    Sylvester Marcus: Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!

    Lennie Pike: Don't call me a baby!

    All: Would you just get out? Get on with it!

  • Aurelius: My friends, we've all seen many mornings like this one. Together we've watched the sun rise, and not known if that day would be our last. Some comrades I've seen, scarcely out of boyhood, trembling before their first battle.

    Demetrius: It was a cold morning, Commander.

    Aurelius: That it was, Demetrius. And you men of the Ninth Legion, all of us, together we have fought all our lives for the Empire our ancestors created, and together we have watched that Empire crumble to dust. And with its fall we have lost two friends. I can tell you that in the darkest moments, I came to believe that there was nothing left to fight for. But I've been shown, through the wisdom of others, that there is one more battle to be waged, against tyranny and the slaughter of innocents. Let us defend to the last breath this island of Brittania, against those who would tear out its heart and soul! And then those who come after us l remember that there was such a thing as a Roman soldier, with a Roman sword, and a Roman heart!

    [draws sword]

    Aurelius: Hail, Caesar!

    All: Hail, Caesar!

  • John 'Axe' Adcox: Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. As 17's official toastmaster...

    Ray Santos: ...and bullshitter.

    John 'Axe' Adcox: Thank you, Santos. Did I happen to mention you're cut out of my will?

    [Continuing]

    John 'Axe' Adcox: I think it appropriate that we recognize the two asswipes... Probationary Firemen... among us today who were officially baptized into the world of Old Man Fire. First, to Tim. Despite the fact that he has a rather dull expression, and a really hideous pair of ears; he not only took on the beast but pulled from its clutches, assisted by a more famous and brilliant firefighter, me, a kicking and screaming civilian who will probably wind up suing us for breaking her fingernails. And to Brian! Help me Santos!...

    John 'Axe' Adcox: [pulls up mannequin] Here she is!

    John 'Axe' Adcox: ...whose own contribution was not only more beautiful but less likely to sue. You know, when I learned that both McCaffrey brothers would be assigned at the same station together at the same time, my heart was filled with... a sudden desire to transfer. So raise a glass, gents. To funny-looking Tim, and the McCaffrey brothers, who have gotten on each other's nerves and still managed after all these years to still be pissed off at each other. Gentlemen...

    ALL: [jokingly] FUCK YOU!

  • Capt. Ramsey: Mr. COB!

    Chief of the Boat: Yes, sir?

    Capt. Ramsey: You're aware of the name of this ship, aren't you Mr. COB?

    Chief of the Boat: Very aware, sir!

    Capt. Ramsey: It bears a proud name, doesn't it, Mr. COB?

    Chief of the Boat: Very proud, sir!

    Capt. Ramsey: It represents fine people.

    Chief of the Boat: Very fine people, sir!

    Capt. Ramsey: Who live in a fine, outstanding state.

    Chief of the Boat: Outstanding, sir!

    Capt. Ramsey: In the greatest country in the entire world.

    Chief of the Boat: In the entire world, sir!

    Capt. Ramsey: And what is that name, Mr. COB?

    Chief of the Boat: Alabama, sir!

    Capt. Ramsey: And what do we say?

    Capt. RamseyChief of the Boat: Go Bama!

    All: Roll Tide!

  • John Fryer: What are we going to do, sir?

    Bligh: Well, we shall have to try and reach Kupang.

    John Fryer: Without charts?

    Bligh: Well, I shall have to try and navigate from memory, Mr. Fryer. It will take us close to the most savage islands in these waters, the Fiji Islands, where cannibalism is perfected almost to a science, and from there, my friends, God willing, we shall proceed on to the Great Barrier Reef itself, then to New Holland, and from there across the Timor Sea to Kupang. And now it will take us at least two months, and we have provisions and water enough to last us one week. So that is the situation, gentlemen, plain and simple.

    John Smith: Well we'll just have to make the best of it, won't we, sir?

    Bligh: Make the best of it, Smith? Yes! But will you? That's what I'd ask myself. Will you make the best of it? You hear me? Are you prepared to make the best of it, all of you? Because all I can promise you, lads, is relentless pain and hardship. Now if you're prepared to make do, and make sacrifices, and furthermore are willing to swear by it, I promise you our chances of survival are fair. You hear me? You all say "Aye"?

    All: Aye.

    Bligh: Good!

  • Jimmy: All right, this is it. These crummy aliens stole our parents, it's time to show them what we're made of. We're tough, we're mean. Darn it, we're carbon based life forms! So, who's going to kick buttocks?

    All: The Carbonated Life Forms!

  • Morgan: Gentlemen, you are all in a line of elite men, great men, who have defended the world's most enduring sporting record. It's an honor to know you, it's an honor to sail with you. Tradition has it that the first American skipper to ever loose the Cup will replace it with his own head in the trophy case. Gentlemen, my head is in your hands. Please be careful, I've become attached to it. I would propose a toast. The Cup.

    All: Hear! Hear! The Cup!

  • Theoden: Tonight we remember those who gave their blood to defend this country. Hail the victorious dead.

    All: Hail!

  • [Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]

    King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?

    Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

    King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

    Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

    Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...

    Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...

    Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

    Brother Maynard: Amen.

    All: Amen.

    King Arthur: Right. One... two... five!

    Galahad: Three, sir.

    King Arthur: Three!

  • Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.

    All: And me. And me too. And me.

    Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.

  • [Buzz #2 and the other toys tries to get Woody back home]

    Buzz Lightyear: Hold it right there!

    All: Buzz?

    Buzz Lightyear #2: You again?

    Buzz Lightyear: Woody! Thank goodness you're all right.

    Woody: Buzz, what is going on?

    Buzz Lightyear #2: [throws Woody onto the floor] Hold on! I am Buzz Lightyear, and I'm in charge of this detachment.

    Buzz Lightyear: No, *I'm* Buzz Lightyear.

    Buzz Lightyear #2: [arguing with Buzz #1] *I'm* Buzz Lightyear!

    Buzz Lightyear: *I* am Buzz Lightyear!

    Woody: So, who's the *real* Buzz?

    Buzz LightyearBuzz Lightyear #2: I am!

    Buzz Lightyear #2: Don't let this imposter fool you! He's been trained by Zurg himself to mimic my every move.

    [Buzz opens up Buzz #2's helmet, leaving him to choke on the "Toxic Air" around him]

  • Wally: Lads! Here's to stinking rich!

    All: Yeah!

    Fidgit: And to Kevin.

    All: Yeah, Kevin!

    Og: Stinking Kevin.

  • Pee-wee: Large Marge sent me.

    Trucker: Did you say Large Marge?

    Pee-wee: She just dropped me off.

    Trucker: That's impossible. Large Marge? She's...

    Man in Diner: It was ten years ago on a night just like tonight. Why, tonight's the anniversary. Worst accident I ever seen.

    Pee-wee: But that means the Large Marge I was riding with was...

    All: Her ghost!

  • Charlie Brown: [thinking] I just hope this new kid has never heard of me. He would know nothing of my past imperfections. It's not often you get the opportunity to start over with a clean slate. THis time things will be different.

    [Charlie Brown falls down a piece of wood of a fence, then the whole fence collapsed down]

    All: He did it!

    [They all run away]

  • Steve: This bites.

    All: Yeah.

    Heather: We should just go home.

    All: Yeah.

    Steve: At least at home they have cable.

    All: Cable.

    Arnold: Baywatch.

    Guys: Baywatch.

    Walter: Baywatch.

  • George: Hey, he looks wrong.

    Paul: He doesn't look at all well.

    George: In fact, he's horrible.

    John: He's so ugly.

    All: Really ugly!

  • Owl: [describing the Backson] It's a giant creature with a tail / Here, I'll draw Piglet in for scale / Its hide is like a shaggy rug / Its face a surly, ugly mug / With two sharp horns atop its head / Between, a mop of hair that's red! / And in its nose a ring of gold / It smells of monkey's feet and mold / Its toes are black, its fur is blue / I swear that all I tell you is not made up / The Backson!

    All: The Backson!

    Owl: The Backson!

    All: The Backson? Oh, no!

    Pooh: But Owl, what does a Backson do?

    All: Yes, Owl, what does a Backson do?

    Owl: Hmm, what does a Backson do? I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, and now I will tell you! They sneak into your library and scribble in all your books!

    All: The Backson! The Backson! We don't like the Backson!

    Owl: When decorating your Christmas tree, they tangle up all the hooks!

    All: The Backson! The Backson! We're afraid of the Backson!

    Owl: They spoil your milk, they stop all the clocks / They use their horns to put holes in your socks!

    All: The Backson's the one who's been putting holes in our socks!

  • Nun in "The Sound of Music": Maria, our abbey is not to be used as an escape. What is it you can't face?

    All: [shouting] What is it, you cunt face!

  • Sasami: 8 millimeter film?

    Tenchi Masaki: Yep. People used it to make home movies.

    Sasami: Oh.

    Tenchi Masaki: Yeah, my father always loved it when he can fool around with the latest gadgets. In fact, this a film that he shot quite some time ago

    All: Oh.

    Tenchi Masaki: [In the film, Nobuyuki sneaks up on Achika] Wow. It was a pretty sneaky way to pick up my mom, you have to admit.

    Ayeka: Huh? You mean that gal we've been watching is your mother?

    Tenchi Masaki: Yep.

    Ryoko: She's nothing but a child.

    Tenchi Masaki: [yelling] Of course, she is! When they shot this film, she was still in high school!

    Ryoko: 'Scuse me!

  • [Soldiers from the 54th Massachusetts marching through Union soldiers, they will soon attack Fort Wagner]

    10th Connecticut soldier: Give 'em Hell, 54!

    All: Give 'em Hell, 54!

  • Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip...

    Magenta: You're into a time slip...

    Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.

    Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation. HAH!

    Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation!

    All: Let's do the time warp again!

  • The Criminologist: It's just a jump to the left.

    All: And then a step to the right!

    The Criminologist: With your hands on your hips...

    All: You bring your knees in tight! But it's the pelvic thrust / That really drives you insane / Let's do the time warp again!

  • Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

    Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

    Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

    Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

    Kenny: The sultan of swat!

    Bertram: The king of crash!

    Timmy: The colossus of clout!

    Tommy: The colossus of clout!

    All: BABE RUTH!

    Ham Porter: THE GREAT BAMBINO!

    Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

    All: YES!

    Benny Rodriguez: Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. People say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, well, more than your whole life.

    Smalls: [Falls to the ground and clutches his stomach, groaning] I don't feel so good.

    All: [Fanning Scott with their caps] Give him air, give him air.

  • Squints: [Squints is about to tell a story] Quiet! Are you trying to wake it up. It just went to bed!

    Smalls: [quite loudly] What just went to bed?

    All: SHH!

    [whispering]

    All: The Beast.

    Smalls: [louder] Oh yeah!

    All: SHHHH!

  • Squints: Where did your old man get that ball?

    Smalls: I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it.Some lady named... Ruth. Baby Ruth.

    All: *Babe Ruth?*

  • Squints: the kid is a L7 weenie.

    Yeah Yeah: yeah yeah, Oscar Myer even, footlong, dodger dog, a weenie!

    All: ohhh haha

    Benny Rodriguez: what are you laughing at Yeah Yeah? you run like a duck!

    Yeah Yeah: kay kay, but I'm... I'm...

    Benny Rodriguez: Part of the game right?

    Yeah Yeah: mmm... Yeah?

    Benny Rodriguez: Now how come he don't get to be?

    Bertram: hes a geek man

    All: he can't catch.

    Benny Rodriguez: [looks back at smalls] Man base up you blockheads.

  • All: All is All.

  • Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...

    All: Too late!

  • Mrs. White: [Smashes glass on fireplace] PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!

    [Drops thre rest of the glass with a crash]

    Miss Scarlet: Yeah!

    Professor Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?

    Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!

    Professor Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!

    Colonel Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!

    Mrs. Peacock: [hysterical] Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!

    All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

  • Colonel Mustard: [both insistent] Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house!

    Wadsworth: I told you, there isn't.

    Colonel Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?

    Wadsworth: Either! Or both.

    Colonel Mustard: Just give me a clear answer!

    Wadsworth: Certainly!

    [clears throat]

    Wadsworth: What was the question?

    Colonel Mustard: [shouting] Is there anybody else in this house?

    All: [shouting] No!

  • Wadsworth: ...and we all revealed that you had a letter and you had a letter and you had a letter and...

    All: Get on with it!

  • Colonel Mustard: [gesturing to another place setting at the dinner table] So, is this for our host?

    Wadsworth: No, sir, for the seventh guest, Mr Boddy.

    Mrs. White: I thought Mr. Boddy was our host.

    All: So did I.

    Mrs. White: So, who is our host Mr. Wadsworth?

    [Wadsworth only smiles in response]

  • Wadsworth: [nasally] No.

    All: [imitating him] No?

    Wadsworth: No.

  • Rabbit: A number one top gun, in the name of justice, John Q. Public can trust us. Hail to thee dear old Paroon, hail to thee.

    All: Hail to thee!

    Rabbit: Hail to thee!

  • Will: [singing] I'm fucking Matt Damon.

    Amy: You're fucking Matt Damon?

    [singing]

    Amy: Well I'm fucking Hannah Montana!

    Hannah Montana: [singing] She's fucking Hannah Montana! Backstage, at my concert, fucks me on my parents' bed! After school, at my locker, in the car I give her head! I'm also fucking the Flava!

    Flava-Flav Look-A-Like: [singing] Yeah, it's Flava-Flav, foo'! You know what time it is, 'cause I'm fucking Juney too!

    Juney: [singing] Yeah, I know, but it's true: Flava-Flav, he fucks me too.

    Michael Cera Look-A-Like: [singing] And I swap with Calvin, and he swaps with that dude.

    All: And we're all fucking Hellboy!

  • Dogberry: Are you good men and true?

    All: Yea.

    Dogberry: Being chosen for the Prince's watch. This is your charge: You are to bid any man stand, in the prince's name.

    Francis Seacole: How if a' will not stand?

    Dogberry: Why, then take no note of him, but let him go.

    Verges: If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the prince's subjects.

    Dogberry: True. and we are to meddle with none but the prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets.

    George Seacole: We will rather sleep than talk.

    Dogberry: Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend.

  • [the East German national anthem]

    All: Hail, hail East Germany / Land of fruit and grape / Land where you'll regret / If you try to escape / No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall / Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn't first.

  • Miller: John Wayne was a fag.

    All: The hell he was.

    Miller: He was, too, you boys. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he come to the door in a dress.

  • Franz Liebkind: Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick burning fuse or ze slow buring fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out.

    [snips dynamite fuse]

    Franz Liebkind: Zis is critical.

    [lights fuse with match]

    Franz Liebkind: Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.

    [pause]

    All: THE QUICK FUSE!

    [explosion]

  • [on stage during the song]

    All: Springtime for Hitler and Germany.

  • Board Member 1: He could have opened the window.

    Board Member 2: Waring Hudsucker never did anything the easy way.

    Board Member 3: (weeping) Why? Why did he do it? Everything was going so well

    Sidney J. Mussburger: What am I, a head shriker. Maybe the man was unhappy?

    Board Member 3: He didn't look unhappy.

    Board Member 4: He didn't look rich.

    Board Member 5: Waring Hudsucker was never an easy man to figure out. He built this company with his bare hands, every step he took was a step up, except of course this last one.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: Sure, sure he was a swell fella, but when the president, chairman of the board and owner of 87% of the company stock drops 44 floors...

    Board Member 6: 45.

    Board Member 7: Counting the mezzanine.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: ...then the company too has a problem. What exactly is the disposition of Waring's stock.

    Board Member 8: Well as you know, Hud left no will and had no family; the company bylaws are quite clear in that event. His entire portfolio will be converted into common stock and be sold over the counter as of the first of the fiscal year following his demise.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: Meaning?

    Board Member 8: Well, meaning simply that Waring stock, and control of the company, will be made available to the public January first.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: Do you mean to say any slob in a smelly tee-shirt will be able to buy Hudsucker stock?

    Board Member 8: The company bylaws are quite clear.

    Board Member 3: My God, you're animals. How can you discuss his stock when the man has just leapt 45 floors?

    Board Member 6: 44.

    Board Member 7: Not counting the mezzanine.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: Quit showboating Addison, the man is gone. The question now is whether we're going to let John Q Public just waltz in here and buy our company.

    Board Member 4: What are you suggesting Sidney? Certainly we can't afford to buy an controlling interest.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: Not while the stock is this strong. How soon before Hud's paper hits the market?

    Board Member 8: January 1st.

    Board Member 2: 30 days.

    Board Member 4: 4 weeks.

    Board Member 5: A month at the most!

    Sidney J. Mussburger: One month; to make the blue chip investment of the century look like a round trip ticket on the titanic.

    Board Member 7: We play up the fact that Hud is dead.

    All: Long live Hud!

    Board Member 4: We depress the stock,

    Board Member 5: To the point where we can buy 50%,

    Board Member 6: 51,

    Board Member 7: Not counting the mezzanine.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: It could work.

    Board Member 3: It should work.

    Board Member 4: It would work.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: It's working already. Waring Hudsucker is abstract art on Madison Avenue. What we need now is a new president who will inspire panic in the stockholder.

    Board Member 6: A puppet.

    Board Member 5: A proxy.

    Board Member 2: A pawn.

    Sidney J. Mussburger: Sure, sure. Some jerk we can really push around.

  • [at the airport]

    Ruth: Right, everyone. Has everyone got a ticket?

    All: Yes

    Ruth: A passport?

    All: Yes

    Ruth: A lying snake for a husband?

    [everyone looks shocked]

    Ruth: No? Only me there, then. Let's go. Come on.

  • All: [singing] He's got the whole world in his hands!

  • [as Major-General Stanley has just entered the scene, all except the Pirate King sing to the tune of "Pirate King"]

    Samuel: For he is a Major General!

    Daughters: He is, hurrah for the Major General!

    Major General Stanley: And it is, it is a GLORIOUS thing to be a Major General.

    All: IT IS! Hurrah for the Major General, hurrah for the Major General!

    The Pirate King: That's the same as the "Pirate King" tune!

  • Women on picket line: [chanting] The miners, united, will never be defeated.

    Andy: Poor old biddies. Don't they know they're pissing in the wind, like the rest of us?

    Ernie: Can they do that, women?

    Andy: What?

    Ernie: Piss in the wind.

    Jim: No, Ernie. That's just the point.

    Ernie: No, but on a nice day, you know, when there's no wind about. They can't - you know - get any direction on it.

    Jim: All right, whatever it is that lasses do that's pointless.

    Andy: Bloody hell. So much to choose from.

    Phil: Fart in a force ten?

    Jim: By god, Phil, you don't half know some funny women.

    Harry: Steady lads. My missus does that.

    All: [guffaw]

    Harry: You daft bastards. Women Against Closure? That is when she's not farting in a force ten!

  • [everyone except Poppy and Tim are on-stage and have no idea where they are or what to do now]

    Lloyd: I've got to get the 8:40 to New York!

    Poppy: [Lloyd opens the door to find Poppy wrapped in sheets, playing Freddy's part] Ah! House of heavenly peace! I rent it.

    Dotty: Oh! It's the other one! And in her wedding dress.

    Belinda: Yes, yes, it's their wedding day!

    All: Oh!

    Belinda: What a happy ending... to the... to the first act!... Of their new life together! And they just want to be alone in their new home... if only someone would pull the shades!

    [Indicates that the curtain should come down]

    Tim: [Tim enters in the black sheets, prepared to play Brooke's part] Come in?

    Dotty: Oh, and it's the mother of the bride.

    Tim: Go out?

    All: Pull the shades!

    [Tim runs out to lower the curtain]

    Selsdon: Last line?

    All: Last line!

    Selsdon: I'll tell you one thing, Vicky.

    All: [Dotty slaps Vicky, who loses a contact lens and goes looking for it] What's that, Dad?

    Selsdon: When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like an old fashioned plate of, uh... curtain!

  • Selsdon: [forgetting his lines] A line? A prompt?

    All: [shouting] Get the van loaded!

  • Benkitnorf: [the crew catches Benkitnorf in the shower on Tom Servo's interositer] Man, you guys scared the living daylights out of me!

    Mike: It's working! Hey! Hi, is Exeter there?

    Benkitnorf: Nah, him and Brack went down to Headbutt Days for Shelly. I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in about fifteen minutes, so I gotta get going, 'kay?

    Tom Servo: No, wait! We're trapped in space! Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?

    Benkitnorf: I don't know. Geez... let's see, maybe this does something...

    [pushes button, zapping Servo]

    Benkitnorf: Crap. That's not it. Hang on...

    [gets manual]

    Benkitnorf: Okay. Did you use the Intensifier Disc?

    All: Yes.

    Benkitnorf: Turn the controls 18 degrees to the left?

    All: Did that.

    Benkitnorf: Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?

    All: No.

    Benkitnorf: Well, look. I don't know anything about this thing. Maybe this does something...

    [pushes button, zapping Servo again]

    Benkitnorf: Oops. That didn't work. Okay, well I'll be sure to tell Exeter to give you a call! Bye!

  • Exeter: I won't ask you to condone what we've done...

    All: We condone it.

  • Dr. Cal Meecham: I hope you tax payers don't mind.

    All: We do!

  • Saucy Wood Nymph: Come gather, saucy wood nymphs, come from your groves! It is Richie!

    Richard Twat: [Delighted to see he is surrounded by five scantily dressed wood nymphs] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, birds!

    Saucy Wood Nymph: Come, love nymphs. Out of respect for Richie, let us all take out our great knockers, and wobble them about a bit.

    Saucy Wood Nymph: Oh yes, do let's!

    Saucy Wood Nymph: No, other love nymphs. First let us open our magic fairy briefcases, and shower our lord with bundles of unmarked tenners. Erotically.

    All: Hurrah, yes! What a smashing idea!

    Saucy Wood Nymph: But first, proud firm young maidens who are definitely on for it, let us anoint him with pints of super-strength illegal cider!

    All: Oh yes, let's!

    [All wood nymphs throw pints of cider over a surprised Richie. One of the nymphs has changed into Eddie who laughs maniacally]

    Richard Twat: Settle, birds!

    [Richie is doused in cider by five copies of Eddie who keeps laughing, until Richie wakes up from his dream]

  • [at Victor's grave]

    Sarah, Victor's Wife: After he worked with you he tried to give up his life of crime. He channelled his interests into amateur dramatics. One night he sneaked off to do the safe at Jackson's - you know, the food-processing plant? Two days later, one of the machines was playing up. They reckon he must have fallen into the mincer.

    All: Ugh!

    Sarah, Victor's Wife: By that stage the order's already gone out. They tried to recall them, but all they got back was half-a-dozen pies and a couple of pasties.

    Simon Garden: And is that what's...

    [points at the grave]

    Sarah, Victor's Wife: Yes.

    Simon Garden: What a waste.

  • Handsome: Crippled elves do dance around a devil covered by blue dress, dairy causes diarrhea, chunky, creamy, butter cheese,

    All: Bad Billy does dope, bitches and brews but can't even build a cigarette boat,

    Victor: All a bang booze every day above a bridge behind a cave,

    All: carpet crawler can't eat eagle, before chicken during day!

  • [Dr. Paul Baton, Fritz, and Kate all run to the sheriff's office.]

    Dr. Paul Batton: We've got trouble!

    Fritz: Right here in River City!

    All: With a capital T and that rhymes with G and that stands for GHOUL!

    Kate: We've got Captain Howdy!

    Dr. Paul Batton: Right here in Hellview City!

    Fritz: With a capital C and that rhymes with Z and that stands for Zom... bie.

  • Cliff Moore: Read!

    Frank Taylor: [reading the Black Legion oath] In the name of God and the Devil, one to reward and the other to punish, and by the powers of light and darkness, good and evil, here under the black arch of Heaven's avenging symbol, I pledge and consecrate my heart, my brain, my body, and my limbs and swear by all the powers of Heaven and Hell to devote my life to the obedience of my superiors and that no danger or peril shall deter me from executin' dere orders. That I will exert every possible means in my power for the extermination of the anarchist, the Roman hierar...

    [He has difficulty in pronouncing it]

    Frank Taylor: ... hierarchy and their abettors. I swear that I will die fighting those whose serpent trail has winnowed the fair fields of our allies and sympathizers. I will show no mercy but strike with an avengin' arm as long as breath remains. I further pledge my heart, my brain, my body, my limbs never to betray a comrade and that I will submit to all the tortures mankind can inflict and suffer the most horrible death rather than reveal a single word of this, my oath, before violatin' a single clause or implied pledge of this my obligation. I...

    [He pauses]

    Frank Taylor: Do I have to say dis?

    Cliff Moore: Say it!

    Frank Taylor: I will pray to an avengin' God and an umerciful Devil to tear my heart out and roast it over the flames of sulfur, and lastly may my soul be given into the torment that my body be submerged into molten metal... and stifled into the flames of Hell, and that this punishment may be meted out to me through all eternity. In the name of God, our creator, Amen.

    All: Amen.

  • [last lines]

    Michael: Here's to Nick.

    Steven: [whispering] To Nick.

    [All]: To Nick.

  • Collins: In honor of the death of Bohemia, an improtu salon will commence immediately following dinner. Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one-night engagement at the eleventh street lot, will sing Native American tribal chants backwards through her vocorder, while accompanying herself on the electric chello, which she ain't never studied.

    Roger: And Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on high holy days.

    Mark: Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sound of iced tea being stirred. And Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet, evocative song.

    Roger: [picks up a guitar and plays]

    Mark: That doesn't remind us of Musetta's Waltz.

    Collins: Angel Dumont Schunard will model the latest fall fashions from Paris while accomanying herself on the 10 gallon plastic pickle tub.

    Angel: And Collins will recount his exploits as an anarchist, including the tale of his successful reprogramming of the MIT virtural reality equipment to self-destruct as it broadcast the words:

    All: Actual reality! Act up! Fight AIDS!

  • All: To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross-dressers too!

    Maureen: To ME!

    Mark: To ME!

    All: To you, and you, and you, you, and you! To people living with, living with, living with- not dying from disease!

  • All: [sung] No other road / No other way / No day but today

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] I can't control / My destiny

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] Will I lose my dignity / Will someone care

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] I trust my soul / My only goal / Is just to be

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] Will I wake tomorrow / From this nightmare

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] Without you / The hand gropes

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] There's only now / There's only here

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] The ear hears / The pulse beats

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] Give in to love / Or live in fear

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] Life goes on / But I'm gone

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] No other path / No other way

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] 'Cause I die / Without you / I die without you

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] I die without you / I die without you

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

    MimiJoanneMaureen: [sung] I die without you / I die without you

    MarkRogerCollinsAngelBenjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

    All: [sung] NO DAY BUT TODAY!

  • All: To Dance!

    Mimi: [sung] No way to make a living, masochisms, pain, perfection, muscle spasm, chiropractors, short-careers, eating disorders!

  • MarkMimi: Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow to blow off Auntie Em

    All: La vie Boheme!

  • Angel: You teach?

    Collins: I teach- computer age philosophy, but my students would rather watch TV

    Angel: America

    All: America!

  • Brad: I think you should sound like, a normal person... from the heart! From... the... heart!

    Ifty: From the heart

    Sam: This argh okay hello thank you for calling this is Saaaaaaaam

    Ifty: Wow!

    Brad: I feel that was a very thouching moment right there.

    Ifty: I, I, I, I felt that one

    Sam: High five!

    All: High five!

  • Carparker: To win big you gotta do what?

    Carparkers: Lose.

    Carparker: Lose big. What are we doing now?

    All: We're losing big.

  • All: [singing] Sunrise, sunset; sunrise, sunset; swiftly fly the years... one season following another, laden with happiness and tears.

  • Tevye: Because of our traditions, we've kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka, we have traditions for everything: how to sleep, how to eat... how to work... how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered, and always wear a little prayer shawl that shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, "How did this tradition get started?" I'll tell you!

    [pause]

    Tevye: I don't know. But it's a tradition... and because of our traditions... Every one of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do.

    Men: [singing] Who day and night must scramble for a living, feed a wife and children, say his daily prayers, and who has the right as master of the house to have the final word at home? The Papa! The Papa! Tradition! The Papa! The Papa! Tradition!

    Women: Who must know the way to make a proper home, a quiet home, a kosher home? Who must raise a family and run the home, so Papa's free to read the Holy Book? The Mama! The Mama! Tradition! The Mama! The Mama! Tradition!

    Sons: [singing] At three I started Hebrew School, at ten I learned a trade. I hear they've picked a bride for me, I hope she's pretty.

    Daughters: [singing] And who does Mama teach to mend and tend and fix, preparing her to marry whoever Papa picks? The daughters! The daughters! Tradition!

    Men: [singing] The Papa!

    Women: [singing] The Mama!

    Sons: [singing] Sons!

    Daughters: [singing] The Daughters!

    All: [singing] Tradition!

  • All: To life, to life, L'Chaim!

  • [last lines]

    Captain Alexei Vostrikov: For their courage I nominated these men for the title of hero of the soviet union. But the committee ruled that because it was not wartime, and because it was merely an accident, they were not worthy of the title hero. What good are honors from such people? These men sacrificed, not for a medal. But because when the time came, it was their duty. Not to the navy, or to the state, but to us. Their comrades. And so, to comrades.

    all: To comrades!

  • Nora Walker Hobbs: And Tommy doesn't know what day it is. He doesn't know who Jesus was or what praying is.

    All: How can he be saved, from the eternal grave?

  • All: These pricey deals don't teach us. Your freedom doesn't reach us. Awareness doesn't shape us. Enlightenment escapes us. How can all this trivia take us to the goal you reached? We came here to be like you, find the world you preach.

  • [addressing a group of young men sent to replace the fraternizing Scottish soldiers]

    Bishop: Christ our Lord said, "Think not that I come to bring peace on earth. I come not to bring peace, but a sword." The Gospel according to St. Matthew. Well, my brethren, the sword of the Lord is in your hands. You are the very defenders of civilization itself. The forces of good against the forces of evil. For this war is indeed a crusade! A holy war to save the freedom of the world. In truth I tell you: the Germans do not act like us, neither do they think like us, for they are not, like us, children of God. Are those who shell cities populated only by civilians the children of God? Are those who advanced armed hiding behind women and children the children of God? With God's help, you must kill the Germans, good or bad, young or old. Kill every one of them so that it won't have to be done again. The Lord be with you.

    All: And also with you.

    Bishop: May God Almighty bless you. The Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost. Amen.

    All: Amen.

  • [the German soldiers sit in a train car; the door opens and all stand at attention as the Kronprinz enters the car]

    Le Kronprinz: Be seated.

    [all sit]

    Le Kronprinz: In two days' time, you will be in East Prussia to take part in an offensive against the Russian Army. I hope you'll show pugnacity in the face of the enemy. This train will cross the fatherland but it won't be possible for you to see your families. Why? I think you can guess. Long live Kaiser Wilhelm!

    All: Long live the Kaiser!

    [the Kronprinz picks up Jorg's harmonica, places it on the floor, and stomps on it repeatedly. He then turns to Horstmayer and uses his cane to point out Iron Cross ribbon on his uniform]

    Le Kronprinz: They hand it out to just anybody.

    [he leaves the train and shuts the door. After a moment of silence, Jorg begins to hum "I'm Dreaming of Home." Little by little, the others join in]

  • Head Butler: [King Saul is smashing things and wants more] Sire, that is the last of the plates!

    King Saul: The goblets, then!

    Head Butler: All gone as well, sire.

    King Saul: The royal pots!

    Head Butler: The last went on Friday.

    King Saul: Even the little ones with the floral patterns?

    Head Butler: Even the little ones with the floral patterns.

    King Saul: Pity, I liked those.

    [he goes back into this room, then bursts out again]

    King Saul: Aha! Fetch me those ridiculously-expensive porcelain figurines!

    Servant: You mean Hummels?

    King Saul: No, I said ridiculously expensive porcelain figurines.

    Head Butler: Ah, but those ridiculously expensive porcelain figurines to which you refer are also known as Hummels.

    King Saul: Hummels?

    Head Butler: Hummels.

    Servant: Hummels.

    King Saul: Well, then. Fetch me the hummels!

    All: No! Not the Hummels!

  • [the Daredevil Commandos prepare for battle, sitting in a circle singing]

    Daredevil Commando #1: Freedom is calling, well past these days of sorrow. Freedom is calling, we'll find it by tomorrow.

    Daredevil Commando #2: Indonesia my heart is calling, Indonesia you are my country.

    Daredevil Commando #3: After all you've done for us, our lives are at your service, we will destroy your enemies, there's nothing that can swirve us.

    Daredevil Commando #4: Undo the enemy, all they do is crave you. During the long long night, we all must fight to save you.

    Daredevil Commando #5: Indonesia my heart is calling, Indonesia you are my country.

    Daredevil Commando #6: After all you've done for us, our lives are at your service, we will destroy your enemies, there's nothing that can swirve us.

    All: Freedom is calling...

    [They continue the song over and over again]

  • Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: I had a wonderful dream. Louie, you were a free man, and you guys had $5,000, and you Gabe, you had a beautiful girl, and you Slip, you had a pile of gold.

    Louie, aka Louie the Lout: I was a free man?

    Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

    WhiteyChuckBobby: And we had $5,000?

    Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

    Gabe, aka The Klondike Kid: And I had a beautiful girl?

    Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

    Slip' Mahoney, aka 'Dead-Eye Dan McGurke: And I had a pile of gold?

    Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah, wasn't it a wonderful dream?

    Slip' Mahoney, aka 'Dead-Eye Dan McGurke: It sure was.

    [hits Sach with his hat]

    Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: What was that for?

    All: For waking up! Go back to sleep!

Browse more character quotes from It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)

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