Alice Quotes in Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)


Alice Quotes:

  • Alice: What happened?

    Red Queen: When Isaacs died, I could bring myself back online and stop attacks on the remaining human settlements. You saved them.

    Alice: Why am I still alive?

    Red Queen: The antivirus only destroyed the T-virus within your body. It didn't harm the healthy cells. You are now free of infection.

    Alice: I thought I would die. You and Alicia, you lied to me.

    Red Queen: We had to know if you were willing to make the sacrifice, to give up your life for others. This was something no one at Umbrella would have done. Alicia Marcus was right about you.

    Alice: I *was* one of them. I was created by Umbrella, just an instrument for them.

    Red Queen: No. You became something more than they ever have anticipated. The clone became more human than they ever could be. And you have one more step to make.

    Alice: What do you mean?

    Red Queen: [opens the file, uploading it into Alice] Before she died, Alicia downloaded her memories for you. The childhood you never had combined with the woman she could never become.

  • Alice: My name is Alice, and this is my story. The end of my story.

  • [first lines]

    Alice: [narrating] They say that history is written by the victors. This, then, is the history of the Umbrella Corporation, formed by crusading scientist Professor James Marcus. Marcus had a young daughter, Alicia, afflicted with progeria, a progressive, fatal, wasting disease. Progeria caused premature aging. By the time she was 25, Alicia would have the body of a 90-year-old. Marcus was driven to save her, but the odds seemed impossible. And even as he worked desperately to create a cure, the young girl's father would record his daughter, her voice, her likeness, saving her for posterity. But then the breakthrough came. Marcus discovered the T-virus. Once injected, it would detect and repair damaged cells within the body. It was a miracle. The life of Alicia Marcus was saved. The T-virus had a myriad of applications, treating 1,000 different diseases. Overnight, it seemed a new era was dawning, a world without the fear of infection, sickness or decay. But it was not to be, for the T-virus had certain unforeseen side effects.

  • Alice: You're still armed.

    Doc: Yes, I am.

    Alice: Claire would be so disappointed.

    Doc: In a few minutes, Claire will be dead, along with everybody you know.

    Claire Redfield: That's sweet.

    Doc: Sorry. My love.

  • Alicia Marcus: Time is running out, Alice. You must kill him soon.

    Dr. Isaacs: It's good to see you too, Alicia. Marcus created the T-virus to save her, but the effects didn't last. But I've waiting years for her to die.

    Alice: I'm not... I'm not a clone.

    Dr. Isaacs: Really? You must have wondered why you remember nothing of your childhood. Your father, your mother...

    Alice: Memory loss.

    Dr. Isaacs: No. You have no memory because you had no life, nothing before the mansion, when we created you 10 years ago.

    Alice: I know who I am.

    Dr. Isaacs: I don't think so. You're nothing more than a puppet whose strings were cut and then you wondered around for a little while thinking you were a real girl, but you're not. You're just a clever imitation, a facsimile. A rather troublesome one, at that.

    Alice: You're lying to me.

    Red Queen: I'm afraid he's not. You were created in her image, as was I. My likeness and voice were based on childhood recordings of Alicia Marcus, made by her father. Your genetic structure is based on her DNA, tweaked to avoid the progeria aging disease that afflicted her. I'm the child she was. You are the woman she would have been.

    Alicia Marcus: No. You are so much better than I ever could be. I let this happen. I was weak. You cannot afford to be.

  • [last lines]

    Alice: When the T-virus spread across the Earth, it did so at the speed of the modern world, carried by jetliners across the globe. The antivirus is airborne, spread by the winds. It could take years for it to reach every corner of the Earth. Until then, my work is not done. My name is Alice.

  • Alice: Sometimes I feel like this has been my whole life. Running. Killing.

  • Dr. Isaacs: I made you.

    Alice: Yeah. Big mistake.

  • [Mikaela catches Sam with Alice]

    Alice: Is that your girlfriend?

    Mikaela Banes: EX!

  • Leo Spitz: [to Alice] Hey! I got ya pizza.

    Alice: Is Sam around?

    Leo Spitz: Uh, he died.

  • [Alice points her gun at Rain]

    Rain: I'm not dead yet.

    [Rain takes the gun from Alice]

    Rain: I think I'll take this back.

    Alice: I could kiss you, you bitch!

  • Alice: There's a cure!

    [to Rain]

    Alice: You're gonna be alright!

    Rain: I was beginning to worry.

  • Rain: That homicidal bitch killed my team.

    Alice: That homicidal bitch may be our only way out of here.

  • Red Queen: I can give you the code, but first you must do something for me.

    Alice: What?

    Red Queen: One of your group has been infected. I require her life for the code.

  • Alice: I'm missing you already.

  • Spence: In or out? In... or out?

    Alice: I don't know what we had, but it's over.

    Spence: [a female scientist zombie bites Spence] OH, GOD!

    Spence: [Spence shoots the scientist; Matt fights Spence for the gun] Back... the FUCK off!

    Spence: [to Alice] I'm missing you already.

    [Locks Alice, Rain, and Matt inside the flooded research lab]

  • Spence: What happened here?

    [Alice and Matt both look towards "One" rather anxiously for an answer as well]

    James "One" Shade: Five hours ago Red Queen went homicidal, sealed the Hive and killed everyone down here.

    Spence: Jesus!

    James "One" Shade: When we realized what was happening, my team was dispatched to shut her down.

    Alice: Why did she do it?

    James "One" Shade: That we don't know, but outside interference is a possibility.

  • Alice: I'm not sure I want to remember what went on down here.

    James "One" Shade: I don't blame you.

  • Alice: Watch the tank! The tank!

  • Tom Ward: I wonder what monsters have nightmares about.

    Alice: Humans, probably.

  • Alice: [disappears while Tom is looking away] We will meet again...

  • Alice: To be no good at something bad is good.

  • Alice: We are not all evil, you know, as your master would have you believe. Some of us are good. Some are bad. And the rest are simply unaware.

  • Alice: [to Tom] Then the blue spark... it was just dust.

  • Alice: Why do you hate him so much? The man who wants to kill us. Why do you hate him? Huh?

    Devereaux: I don't hate him. No. He's probably the best friend I've ever had.

    Alice: So, all your friends try to kill you?

    Devereaux: Eventually.

  • Alice: Atrocities are like Reality TV. There's always some new show for people to forget.

  • [first lines]

    Alice: [interrupting kiss] I'm going back to work.

    Devereaux: [takes her place at the table]

    Mason: Don't worry, I checked her out.

    Devereaux: Scenario: Agent falls in love with girl. Agent runs an op. Girl gets kidnapped. The other guys want to know the agent's source. What does he do? What do they do to the girl, hmm?

    Mason: Is there a point to this?

    Devereaux: Yeah, over your right shoulder.

    Mason: [seeing another agent] Us or them?

    Devereaux: How the fuck should I know? Does it really matter? You feel the need for a relationship? Get a dog.

  • [first lines]

    Alice: My name is Alice. I worked for the Umbrella Corporation, the largest and most powerful commercial entity in the world. I was head of security at a secret high-tech facility called the Hive, a giant underground laboratory developing experimental, viral weaponry. There was an incident. A virus escaped. A lot of people died. The trouble was, they didn't stay dead. The computer that controlled the Hive was a state-of-the-art artificial intelligence: the Red Queen. The Red Queen responded to the threat of the viral outbreak in an extreme way. She went homicidal.

    The Red Queen: You're all going to die down here.

    Alice: The Red Queen attempted to kill everyone, whether they were infected or not. I managed to escape, but this was only the beginning. Viral outbreaks spread like wildfire, first across the United States, then the world. The T-Virus didn't just bring the dead back to life. It mutated them in terrifying ways. Despite the apocalypse they had created, the Umbrella Corporation continued to experiment with the deadly virus. I was infected. But the virus bonded with me on a cellular level. I developed powers.

    Dr. Isaacs: Your genetic structure is the key.

    Alice: I became different. Powerful. Unstoppable. As I got stronger, the human race became weaker. I tried my best to lead what survivors I could find to safety, but we were pursued relentlessly. Even my friend Jill Valentine was seized and brainwashed by Umbrella.

    Jill Valentine: Shoot to kill.

    Alice: Finally, I confronted the head of the Umbrella Corporation, Albert Wesker. He robbed me of my powers, but I still managed to defeat him. At last, we thought it was over. We thought we had survived the horror. But we were wrong. Once again, we found ourselves fighting for our lives.

  • Alice: What is this? What have you done to me?

    Albert Wesker: You were the only one to successfully bond with the T-Virus, to fully realize her powers. Well, now I have need of you. The old you. So I've given you back your gift. You are the weapon.

    Alice: I'm gonna kill you.

    Albert Wesker: Perhaps. But first, you have work to do.

  • The Red Queen: Don't listen to the traitor Wesker. I am in control now. Project Alice, Ada Wong, stay where you are.

    Alice: [to Ada] Let's move.

    The Red Queen: Project Alice, you're all going to die down here.

    Alice: I've heard that before.

  • Alice: Boys? You mind?

    Leon S. Kennedy: Shall we?

    Barry Burton: My pleasure.

  • Alice: [holds knife at Ada's throat] Don't.

    Ada Wong: My name is...

    Alice: Ada Wong. Operative for the Umbrella Corporation, one of Albert Wesker's top agents. I know exactly who and what you are. Now the real question is: Why don't I just cancel your contract right now?

    Ada Wong: I don't work for Umbrella anymore, and neither does Albert Wesker.

    Alice: I don't care.

    [Wesker's image appears on a display window]

    Albert Wesker: You can kill her if you like, but then you'll never get out of this place.

  • Ada Wong: I executed everyone in this control room. I enabled Wesker to hack the mainframe. We shut down the security systems. We let you out of that cell.

    Albert Wesker: We need to get you out of this facility.

    Alice: So why do you want to help me?

    Albert Wesker: We need you. The human race faces extinction. Our only hope for survival is for us to work together.

    Alice: I'm not going anywhere until I know where we are and what the hell is going on here.

    Albert Wesker: You're in the Prime Umbrella testing facility.

    Alice: Explain Tokyo.

    Albert Wesker: What you saw was just a detailed re-creation, nothing more. It goes on for a few city blocks. That's all.

    Alice: I was outside.

    Ada Wong: Were you? Saw the sky, did you?

    Alice: It was night.

    Ada Wong: Stars? The moon?

    Albert Wesker: The testing floor is 300 feet high, the ceiling black. It's usually night in there. But isn't that when the monsters come out anyway?

  • Rain: You can't kill me.

    Alice: I don't have to.

    [Alice shoots the ice at Rain's feet, she falls in with the Las Plagas Undead]

  • Alice: They're using clones of me.

    Ada Wong: Of course. You were one of the 50 basic models.

    Alice: [scoffs] "Basic models."

    Ada Wong: How do you think Umbrella populates these test scenarios? Hundreds of people dead each time they run a simulation. Umbrella imprints them with basic memories, just enough to ensure a correct emotional response to the threat of the bio-hazard. In one life, she could be a suburban housewife. The next, a businesswoman in New York. The next, a soldier working for Umbrella.

  • [Becky comes up to Alice and embraces her]

    Luther West: Who's this?

    Becky: I'm Becky.

    Luther West: Hi, Becky.

    Becky: [points to Alice] This is my mom.

    Luther West: Your mom? Ah.

    Alice: Long story.

  • Luther West: [In a Rolls Royce] Sweet ride.

    Alice: Well, this is Moscow. Heard gunfire. Thought you might need some help.

  • Alice: You two made it! Thought I was the only one that survived. What is this place, and why is everything in Russian? And what's with the S&M getup?

    Alice: [pulls out a gun] You know how to use this?

    Rain: I campaigned for gun control.

    [Alice puts the gun in Rain's hand]

    Rain: No, I don't think you understand. I marched against the NRA.

    Alice: Concentrate. It's just like a camera. Point and shoot.

    [Rain fires at a marble pillar]

    Alice: Congratulations. You're officially a badass.

  • Alice: There's a child here.

    Rain: Your problem, not ours.

    Alice: All heart. You haven't changed a bit.

    Rain: I don't know you lady.

  • Alice: Waiting for a written invitation?

  • Rain: I'm coming for you!

    Alice: Good luck with that.

  • [a weapons cache emerges from the floor]

    Alice: Oh, yeah.

  • Alice: It was raining.

    Albert Wesker: Climate control. Wind, rain. They can even make it snow if they wanted to.

    Alice: Why build such a place?

    Albert Wesker: Simple. The Umbrella Corporation derived its primary income from the sale of viral weaponry, something that's impossible to test in the real world. They re-created the center of New York, simulated an outbreak, showed it to the Russians, and sold them the virus. They simulated an outbreak in Moscow, sold it to the Americans. An outbreak in Tokyo.

    Alice: Sold it to the Chinese.

    Ada Wong: An outbreak in China.

    Alice: Sold it to the Japanese.

    Albert Wesker: Exactly. Everyone had to have it. The Umbrella Corporation built a new arms race. Only, this time, it was biological rather than nuclear. Highly profitable. And this is where it all happened. This is Umbrella's greatest creation. The belly of the beast.

    Alice: So why don't we just get the hell out of here?

  • Becky: [looks at a track of Alice clones] Mommy, who are they? Mommy, is that you? You're my mommy, aren't you?

    Alice: I am now.

  • Alice: Hey, boys. Bad idea.

    [Alice and Ada fire at the taxi cab leaking gas, the blast kills the two Axe Men]

  • Jill Valentine: Project Alice, why did you turn against Umbrella?

    Alice: Jill? Is that you?

    Jill Valentine: Project Alice, why did you turn against Umbrella?

  • Leon S. Kennedy: Where's Ada?

    Alice: I don't think she made it. I'm sorry.

    Leon S. Kennedy: You saw her die?

    Alice: No...

    Leon S. Kennedy: [nods] She always has a plan.

  • [first lines]

    Alice: My name is Alice. I worked for the Umbrella Corporation, the largest and most powerful commercial entity in the world. I was head of security at a secret high-tech facility, The Hive, a giant underground laboratory developing experimental viral weaponry. But there was an incident. The virus escaped and everybody died. Trouble was... they didn't stay dead.

  • Alice: There's something down there.

    Jill Valentine: Where?

    Alice: There.

    Peyton Wells: I don't see anything.

    Alice: Well, that doesn't alter the fact that there *is* something down there.

  • Alice: My name is Alice and I remember everything.

  • Peyton Wells: We find the building with the thickest walls and strongest doors and we barricade ourselfs in, sit tight, wait for help.

    Alice: There won't be any help. According to Ashford, Umbrella know they can't contain the infection. So at sunrise this morning, Raccoon City will be completely sanitized.

    Terri Morales: What do you mean by "sanitized"?

    Alice: A precision tactical nuclear device.

    Jill Valentine: What yield?

    Alice: Five kilotons.

    Jill Valentine: [scoffs] Fuck me.

  • Major Cain: [as Alice prepares to throw him out of the helicopter] Wait! Killing me won't make things right.

    Alice: No, but it's a start!

  • Major Cain: And now... Now we'll discover which is superior. Fight him.

    Alice: No.

    Major Cain: Fight him, or they die.

    Alice: What makes you think I care?

  • [after Alice realizes Peyton coughs and has a zombie bite injury, she aims her gun at him]

    Jill Valentine: [points her gun at Alice] Hold it. What do you think you're doing?

    Alice: He's wounded. The infection's spreading.

    Peyton Wells: I'm fine.

    Alice: You should take care of him now. It'll be more difficult later. You know that.

    Jill Valentine: No. If it comes to that, I'll take care of it myself.

    Alice: As you wish.

    [to Peyton]

    Alice: It's nothing personal. But in an hour, maybe two, you'll be dead. And moments later, you'll become one of them. You'll endanger your friends, try to kill them, probably succeed. I'm sorry. That's just the way it is.

  • Alice: How long ago have you been bitten?

    Carlos Olivera: Three hours.

    L.J.: What?

    Alice: Today's your lucky day.

    L.J.: [to Carlos] You should have told me you were bit, motherfucker, I'm hanging with you and shit!

  • Major Cain: Now, finish this. Put him out of his misery... And come with me.

    Alice: No.

    Major Cain: You're such a disappointment to me.

  • Alice: [after hiding out from zombies in the cemetery!] There's too many of them. Let's get out of here...

  • Alice: [to White Queen] I knew your sister. She was a homicidal bitch.

  • Alice: [from trailer] We fought the infection. We survived the apocalypse. And now, we face extinction.

  • [last lines]

    Alice: You won't have to wait that long, boys. Because I'm coming for you. And I'm gonna be bringing a few of my friends.

  • Claire: Everyone is grateful for you helping us out.

    Alice: But how long am I gonna stay?

    Claire: Don't get me wrong, we really are grateful. They're all talking about what you did, and they're scared.

    Alice: I don't blame them, people have a habit of dying around me.

    Claire: Not just you.

  • [narration beginning at title sequence]

    Alice: The Umbrella Corporation thought they'd contained the infection. Well, they were wrong. Raccoon City was just the beginning. Within weeks, the T-virus had consumed the United States. Within months, the world. The virus didn't just wipe out human life. Lakes and rivers dried up, forests became deserts and whole continents were reduced to nothing more than barren wastelands. Slowly but surely, the Earth began to wither and die. What few survivors there were learned to keep on the move. We avoided major cities. If we stopped anyplace too long, they would be drawn to us. Only a few at first, but then more and more. A never-ending army of undead. For those of us left, staying on the road seemed the only way to stay alive.

  • [from trailer]

    Alice: Good thing we like a challenge.

  • Carlos Olivera: Just promise me one thing. When you get down there...

    Alice: Consider it done.

  • White Queen: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I am the artificial intelligence which...

    Alice: Yeah, I know what you are. I knew your sister. She was a homicidal bitch.

    White Queen: My sister computer was merely following the most logical path of preservation of human life.

    Alice: Yeah. Kill a few, save a lot.

  • Dr. Isaacs: [as the Tyrant] For so long, I thought you were the future; I was wrong. I am the future.

    Alice: [laughs] No. You're just another asshole, and we're both gonna die down here.

    [laser grid turns on and slices the Tyrant into pieces]

  • K-Mart: [upon seeing a post-apocalyptic waste-land Las Vegas, which is under about 10 stories of sand] What happened to it?

    Alice: Desert must have taken it back. Five years. No one to keep the sand back.

  • [Dr. Issacs, in Tyrant form, has been sliced by the laser grid and a clone of Alice reacts to Issacs explaining to the real Alice that he is the future as the Alice clone deactivates the grid]

    Alice: [watching as Issacs is sliced into bits and falls to the floor] Yeah, you're the future all right!

  • Luther West: Nice landing.

    Alice: I think technically it's called crashing.

  • Claire Redfield: Alice, you were my friend?

    Alice: I like to think so.

    Claire Redfield: Was I a good person?

    Alice: Why would you ask that?

    Claire Redfield: I don't know, I just, I have this feeling that I let people down.

    Alice: You're not the only one.

    Claire Redfield: What do you mean?

    Alice: We struggle, we fight, we watch our friends die. Survival is a bitch.

  • Alice: [to Wesker] Any last words?

    Albert Wesker: [sticks syringe in Alice's neck] How nice to finally meet the real you. Hurts, doesn't it? Well, that's just the start of the bad news. All those powers of yours: Speed, strength, accelerated healing. Well, you can kiss all those goodbye.

    Alice: What have you done?

    Albert Wesker: The serum I've injected you with is neutralizing the T cells within your body. Put simply, the Umbrella Corporation is taking back its property. You just didn't work out, so you're being recalled.

  • Crystal: That plane of yours, do you think it could still fly?

    Alice: It can fly, but it only seats two.

    Crystal: So you take us to Arcadia one at a time.

    Luther West: Look, I think she was lucky to land here once. Five or six times would be suicide. No offense.

    Alice: None taken.

  • Albert Wesker: Well isn't this one big family reunion? Chris and Claire Redfield, you've really become quite an inconvenience for me.

    Alice: I told you I'd be bringing a few friends.

    Albert Wesker: [removes sunglasses] You should have brought more.

  • Alice: Umbrella.

    Claire Redfield: Of course. I remember them coming for us.

    Alice: This whole thing, Arcadia, was a lie.

    Claire Redfield: No, it's worse than that. It's a trap.

  • Alice: Just don' t do anything crazy, all right?

    Claire Redfield: Nothing as crazy as what you have in mind.

  • Albert Wesker: The T-Virus brought me back.

    [his head jerks, jaws set, chest heaves]

    Albert Wesker: But it's so strong. It fights me for control. I thought if I ingested fresh human DNA, I could redress the balance.

    Alice: No wonder your crew abandon ship.

    Albert Wesker: No matter. Now I have a new subordinate. And a new plan. You were the only one who successfully bonded with the T-Virus. Your DNA is stronger than the others. I ingest you, I gain control.

    Alice: [nods, walks a few paces to a table] That's pretty smart thinking. There's only one problem with that plan.

    Bennett: [aiming gun at Alice] Stop right there.

    Albert Wesker: And what is that?

    Alice: I'm not on the menu.

    [she kicks a tray of surgical instruments at Wesker and takes out Bennett's gun with a roundhouse kick. Wesker dodges the scalpels that impale his chair]

  • Alice: Please wait.

    Albert Wesker: Last words?

    Alice: Thank you.

    Albert Wesker: For killing you?

    Alice: For making me human again.

  • Alice: [after checking the armory and weapons room] Nice!

  • [first lines]

    Alice: [narrating] My name is Alice. I worked for the Umbrella Corporation in a secret laboratory developing experimental viral weaponry. There was an incident. A virus escaped. Everybody died. Trouble was, they didn't stay dead. This was the start of an apocalypse that would sweep the entire world. The men responsible for this disaster took refuge underground and continued to experiment with the deadly T-Virus. They felt secure in their high-tech fortress. But they were wrong.

  • Alice: Hey, boys. Is that anyway to treat a lady?

  • Alice: Why am I not suprised?

    Albert Wesker: You weren't too hard to find. Our satellite system is still operational, and there aren't too many people flying now days. Besides, I always knew you would be drawn to your friends. Loyalty - Highly overrated.

  • Alice: You know I have the strangest feeling I know you.

    Luther West: Yeah, I get that a lot. You're a sports fan, huh? Do you like basketball?

    Alice: Not really.

    Luther West: No? Well, maybe just a fan of fine timepieces.

    [they look at a distant rooftop billboard with Luther modeling a luxury wristwatch]

    Angel Ortiz: Yeah. Luther here is our resident superstar.

  • Luther West: We thought they sent you. We've been launching flares for days to get their attention.

    Alice: Flares?

    [she gives an incredulous smirk]

    Luther West: Yeah.

    Alice: Who's gonna see flares from Alaska?

    Luther West: Alaska?

    Angel Ortiz: Alaska?

    Alice: Arcadia. I've been there. It's in Alaska. It's a town, or so we thought.

    Luther West: A town? I don't think so.

  • Chris Redfield: Claire?

    Claire Redfield: What?

    Chris Redfield: Claire, it's me. It's Chris.

    [Chris caresses her cheek, Claire grabs his arm and twists it behind his back]

    Claire Redfield: I don't know you.

    Chris Redfield: Claire. I'm your brother, remember? What the hell's happened to you?

    Alice: Hey. It's okay. Let him go.

    [Claire releases his arm]

    Alice: Look, she suffered some sort of memory loss. If you really are her brother, it'll come back.

  • Alice: You don't look very good, Bennett.

    Bennett: Yeah, I'm looking forward to playing with your pretty face.

  • Alice: Day 6, 1800 hours, Los Angeles. No signs of life, not even the undead. They must have burned with the city. But what about the rest?

  • Jerry: David Berkowitz, Ted Bundy, Richard Speck...

    Alice: What about them?

    Jerry: Serial killers. Serial killers only have two names. You ever notice that? But lone gunmen assassins, they always have three names. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman...

    Alice: John Hinckley. He shot Reagan. He only has two names.

    Jerry: Yeah, but he only just shot Reagan. Reagan didn't die. If Reagan had died, I'm pretty sure we probably would all know what John Hinckley's middle name was.

  • Jerry: I love you.

    Alice: Jerry, no, no, you don't love me.

    Jerry: Sure I do.

    Alice: No, no.

    Jerry: I don't?

  • [Communicating through the air ducts]

    Alice: Jerry, I'm coming to get you.

    Jerry: Alice, Alice, You can fit through there?

  • [talking through vent]

    Alice: Jerry?

    Jerry: Alice is that you?

    Alice: Yes Jerry.

    Jerry: Oh Alice, I'm so sorry that you're dead.

  • Nathan: Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.

    Alice: Well, what's wrong with the dog?

    Nathan: Simple. He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay. Wouldn't you agree?

  • Alice: [holding a submachine gun, to Steed and Emma Peel] Would you please be so kind as to hit the ground, if it's not too much trouble?

    [Fires submachine gun, kills the bad guy]

    Alice: I hope he was a baddie.

  • Alice: He says unless we accept his demands, the weather will keep getting colder and colder until we'll all have to go to hell just to warm up.

  • Alice: Jack, the 20th century must be getting to you.

    Jack Deth: You have no idea!

  • Jack Deth: It's me. I'm your husband.

    Alice: Jack! The only man I ever had sex with.

    [passes out]

    Jack Deth: It wasn't that bad!

  • Alice: You killed him!

    Jack Deth: Wizards don't die they just be become metaphysically challenged.

  • Alice: I hate you! I hate you!

    Eva: Alright then, if you hate me so much then kill me. Come on...

    [offers her the gun]

    Eva: You're a big girl now. Come on, kill me.

    Alice: [grabs the gun and aims it at her]

    Eva: Oh my darling, I'm so delighted to see that you've got the killer instinct in you. Can you feel the excitement Alice? Can you taste the blood raising in your head? Come on, shoot me. Shoot mommy. Shoot me Alice.

    Alice: [lowers the gun]

    Eva: Oh my sweet heart. You see, only a select few have the true killer instinct in them. But don't worry darling, because you'll have it one day.

  • Alice: I didn't do it.

    Rambler: I was in the toilet. I warned you about putting that shot in your body and these are big blokes, too.

    Alice: I'm stronger than I thought.

    Rambler: I'm sort of impressed.

  • Chloe: Well, well, if it isn't my favorite nerd bird!

    Blu: Ver... very funny. Real mature!

    Alice: Hey, peck! Where you migrating to this year, huh? The breakfast nook?

    [Chloe and Alice laugh and throw another snowball at the window]

    Blu: Throw all the snow balls you want. I'm protected by this magical forcefield, called glass! It's what keeps us so toasty and warm in here while you guys out there are freezing your...

    [looks up and sees Chloe and Alice showing their behinds to him, making fun]

    Blu: Classy.

  • Alice: If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?

  • Cheshire Cat: Oh, by the way, if you'd really like to know, he went that way.

    Alice: Who did?

    Cheshire Cat: The White Rabbit.

    Alice: He did?

    Cheshire Cat: He did what?

    Alice: Went that way.

    Cheshire Cat: Who did?

    Alice: The White Rabbit.

    Cheshire Cat: What rabbit?

    Alice: But didn't you just say - I mean - Oh, dear.

    Cheshire Cat: Can you stand on your head?

    Alice: Oh!

  • Alice: It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.

  • Mad Hatter: Would you like a little more tea?

    Alice: Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more.

    March Hare: Ah, you mean you can't very well take less.

    Mad Hatter: Yes. You can always take more than nothing.

  • Cheshire Cat: [singing] 'Twas brilig, and the slithy toves / Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: / All mimsy were the borogroves, / And the mome raths outgrabe.

    Alice: Now where do you suppose...?

    Cheshire Cat: Lose something?

    Alice: [turns around to find just the Cat's smile talking to her] Oh my! oh, no no, I was just... uh never mind.

    Cheshire Cat: Oh, that's quite all right. One moment please.

    [two eyes drop down on top of the mouth and the full cat form appears]

    Cheshire Cat: Second chorus.


    Cheshire Cat: 'Twas brilig, and the slithy toves / Did gyre and gimble in the wabe

    Alice: Why, why you're a cat!

    Cheshire Cat: A *Cheshire* Cat.

    [starts to disappear]

    Cheshire Cat: All mimsy were the borogroves...

    Alice: Oh wait!

    Cheshire Cat: [reappears] There you are! Third chorus...

    Alice: Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.

    Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.

    Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...

    Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.

  • Cheshire Cat: If I were looking for a white rabbit, I'd ask the Mad Hatter.

    Alice: The Mad Hatter? Oh, no no no...

    Cheshire Cat: Or, you could ask the March Hare, in that direction.

    Alice: Oh, thank you. I think I'll see him...

    Cheshire Cat: Of course, he's mad, too.

    Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.

    Cheshire Cat: Oh, you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here.

    [laughs maniacally; starts to disappear]

    Cheshire Cat: You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself.

  • [after they have restrained the Dormouse]

    Mad Hatter: Ah thank goodness! Those are the things that upset me!

    March Hare: See all the trouble you started?

    Alice: But I didn't think...

    March Hare: Ah, that's just it. If you don't think, then you shouldn't talk.

  • [Alice falls down the rabbit hole and her dress poofs up like a parachute]

    Alice: Well, after this I should think nothing of falling down stairs.

  • Alice: Curiouser and curiouser.

  • Alice: Well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are, until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here?


    Alice: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice.


    Alice: But I very seldom follow it. That explains the trouble that I'm always in. Be patient, is very good advice, but the waiting makes me curious. And I'd love the change. Should something strange begin?

    [begins to cry]

    Alice: Well... I went along my merry way, and I never stopped to reason. I should've known there'd be a price to pay, someday... Someday... I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it!

    [cries harder]

    Alice: Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

    [continues crying]

  • Alice: Curiosity often leads to trouble.

  • The Rose: Just what species or, shall we say, genus are you, my dear?

    Alice: Well, I guess you would call me... genus, humanus... Alice.

    Daisy: Ever see an alice with a blossom like that?

    Orchid: Come to think of it, did you ever see an alice?

    Daisy: Yes, and did you notice her petals? What a peculiar color.

    Orchid: [sniffing Alice's hair] And no fragrance.

    Daisy: [chuckling, as she lifts up one side of Alice's dress] And just look at those stems.

    The Rose: [as Alice slaps the Daisy's leaves away] Rather scrawny, I'd say.

    Bud: I think she's pretty.

    The Rose: Quiet, bud.

  • Caterpillar: Who... are... you?

    Alice: I- I hardly know, sir. I've changed so many times since this morning, you see...

    Caterpillar: No, I do not 'C.' Explain yourself.

    Alice: I'm afraid I can't explain myself sir, because I'm not myself, you know.

    Caterpillar: I do not know.

    Alice: Well, I can't put it any more clearly, sir, for it isn't clear to me.

    Caterpillar: You? Who ARE you?

  • Mad Hatter: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

    Alice: Riddles? Now let me see... why is a raven like a writing desk?

    Mad Hatter: I beg your pardon?

    Alice: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

    Mad Hatter: [alarmed] Why is a what?

    March Hare: Careful, she's stark ravin' mad!

    Alice: But it's your silly riddle. You just said...

    Mad Hatter: Easy, don't get excited!

    March Hare: How about a nice cup of tea?

    Alice: "Have a cup of tea," indeed! Well I'm sorry, but I just haven't the time!

  • Caterpillar: Recite.

    Alice: Oh. Yes sir. How doth the little bumblebee improve each...

    Caterpillar: Stop. That is not spoken correctically. It goes: How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the Nile, on every golden scale. How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws. And welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws.

    Alice: Well, I must say, I've never heard it that way before.

    Caterpillar: I know. I have improoooved it.

  • Caterpillar: By the way, I have a few more helpful hints. One side will make you grow taller...

    Alice: One side of what?

    Caterpillar: ...and the other side will make you grow shorter.

    Alice: The other side of what?

    Caterpillar: THE MUSHROOM, OF COURSE!

  • Alice: I simply must get through!

    Doorknob: Sorry, you're much too big. Simply impassible.

    Alice: You mean impossible?

    Doorknob: No, impassible. Nothing's impossible.

  • Alice: Oh, but that's nonsense. Flowers can't talk.

    The Rose: But of course we can talk, my dear.

    Orchid: If there's anyone around worth talking to.

    Daisy: Or about.


  • Alice: Better look first, for if one drinks much from a bottle marked "Poison", it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

  • Alice: When I get home I shall write a book about this place... If I ever do get home.

  • Cheshire Cat: All ways here you see, are the QUEEN'S WAYS!

    Alice: But I've never met any queen.

    Cheshire Cat: You haven't? You ha-VEN'T? Oh, but you must! She'll be mad about you, simply mad!

    [chuckles, then rolls over and almost disappears]

    Cheshire Cat: The mome raths outgrabe...

    Alice: Please, please! H-How can I find her?

    Cheshire Cat: Well, some go this way, and some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short-cut.

  • Bird in the Tree: A serpent! Help! Help! A serpent, a serpent!

    Alice: But please! Please!

    Bird in the Tree: Off with you! Shoo! Shoo! Go away! Serpent! Serpeeeent!

    Alice: I'm not a serpent!

    Bird in the Tree: You? Indeed? Then just what are you?

    Alice: I'm just a little girl.

    Bird in the Tree: Little? Little?


    Alice: Well, I am... I mean, I was.

    Bird in the Tree: And I suppose you don't like eggs, either?

    Alice: Yes, I do, but, but, but...

    Bird in the Tree: I knew it! I knew it! Serpent! Serpeeeent!

    Alice: Oh, for goodness sake!

  • Alice: [after eating a mushroom] I'm tired of being only three inches high.

    [suddenly grows out of control]

    Alice: Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

  • Daisy: What kind of a garden do you come from?

    Alice: Oh, I don't come from any garden.

    Daisy: Do you suppose she's a wildflower?

  • Alice: I'm sorry I interrupted your birthday party. Thank you.

    March Hare: Birthday? My dear child, this is NOT a birthday party.

    Mad Hatter: Of course not. This is an unbirthday party.

  • White Rabbit: Why, Mary Ann! What are you doing out here?

    Alice: Mary Ann?

    White Rabbit: Don't just do something, stand there... Uh... no no! Go go! Go get my gloves! I'm late!

    Alice: But late for what? That's just what I...

    White Rabbit: My gloves!

    [Blows trumpet]

    White Rabbit: At once, do you hear!

    Alice: Goodness. I suppose I'll be taking orders from Dinah next.

  • Alice: You can learn a lot of things from the flowers... Huh! Seems to me they could learn a few things about manners!

  • Alice: I was sitting on the riverbank with uh... with you know who...

    Mad Hatter: I DO?


    Alice: I mean my C-A-T.

    Mad Hatter: Teeeea?

    March Hare: [slices a tea cup in half] Just half a cup, if you don't mind.

  • Cheshire Cat: You know? We could make her *really* angry! Shall we try?

    Alice: Oh, no, no!

    Cheshire Cat: Oh, but it's loads of fun!

  • Alice: [as a giant] And as for you... Your Majesty! Your Majesty indeed! Why, you're not a queen,


    Alice: But just a - a fat, pompous, bad tempered old ty...!

    [normal size]

    Alice: Tyrant.

    Queen of Hearts: [giggles] And uh, just what were you saying, my dear?

    Cheshire Cat: Why, she simply said that you're a fat, pompous, bad tempered old tyrant!


  • [the Caterpillar has called a very frustrated Alice back so he can finish the conversation]

    Alice: Well?

    Caterpillar: Keep your temper.

    Alice: Is that all?

    Caterpillar: No. "Exaketededly" what is your problem?

    Alice: Well its exak... exact... Its precisely this. I should like to be a little larger, sir.

    Caterpillar: Why?

    Alice: Well, after all, three inches is such a wretched height, and...

    Caterpillar: [suddenly angry] *I* am "exaketededly" three inches high, and it is a very good height, in-*deed*!

    Alice: But I'm not used to it. And you needn't... *shout*!

  • Alice: [after the Walrus and the Carpenter] That was a very sad story.

    Tweedle Dee: Aye, but there's a moral to it.

    Alice: Oh, a very good moral, if you happen to be an oyster.

  • Queen of Hearts: Now, where do you come from?

    Alice: Well, I'm trying to find my way home...

    Queen of Hearts: Your way? All ways here are my ways!

    Alice: Yes, I know, but I was just thinking...

    Queen of Hearts: Curtsy while you're thinking. It saves time.

    Alice: [curtsying] Yes, Your Majesty, but I just wanted to ask you...

    Queen of Hearts: I'll ask the questions! Do you play croquet?

    Alice: Why, yes, Your Majesty.

    Queen of Hearts: Then let the game begin!

  • Alice: Well, it all started when I was sitting on the river bank with Dinah.

    March Hare: Very interesting - Who's Dinah?

    [Pants lasciviously]

    Alice: Oh, Dinah's my cat. You see...

    Dormouse: Cat? CAT!

  • [Alice reaches the door to escape from the mob]

    Doorknob: [tries to open the door] D'oh! I'm - still locked, you know!

    Alice: [in horror] But the queen! I simply *must* get out!

    Doorknob: [chuckles] But you *are* outside.

    Alice: [releases her grip on the Doorknob] What?

    Doorknob: [opens his mouth] See for yourself.

    [Alice sees through his mouth and sees herself asleep with Dinah also sleeping on her lap by a tree in a beautiful meadow]

    Alice: Why - why that's me! I'm asleep!

    Queen of Hearts: [shouting from a distance, advancing toward Alice along with a mob of other characters] Don't let her get away! Off with her head!

    Alice: [in terror, through the Doorknob's mouth] Alice, wake up! Please, wake up, Alice!

    Queen of Hearts: [comes closer with the rest of the mob] Off with her head!

    Alice: Alice! Please, wake up, Alice!

    [as the mob draws nearer, the screen goes into swirling multicolor until it shows Alice sleeping by the tree]

    Alice: [voiceover] Alice! Alice! Alice!

    Alice's sister: [changes to her sister's] Alice! Alice! Will you kindly pay attention and recite your lesson?

  • Alice: In my world, the books would be nothing but pictures.

  • Doorknob: D'ooooh!

    Alice: Oh! I beg your pardon...

    Doorknob: Whew. Quite all right, but you did give me quite a turn.

    Alice: You see, I was following...

    Doorknob: Rather good, what? Doorknob? Turn? Since one good turn deserves another, what can I do for you?

  • Dodo: I say, you'll never get dry that way.

    Alice: Get dry?

    Dodo: Have to run with the others. First rule of a caucus race, you know.

  • Alice: Oh, pooh. I'm not afraid of you. Why, you're nothing but a pack of cards.

  • Mad Hatter: What's the matter my dear, don't you care for tea?

    Alice: Why, yes. I'm very fond of tea.

    March Hare: If you don't care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation!

  • Queen of Hearts: Now... are you ready for your sentence?

    Alice: Sentence? But there has to be a verdict first...

    Queen of Hearts: Sentence first! Verdict afterwards.

    Alice: But that just isn't the way...

    Queen of Hearts: [shouting] All ways are...!

    Alice: ...your ways, your Majesty.

  • King of Hearts: Rule 42: All persons more than a mile high must leave the court immediately.

    Alice: I am not a mile high, and I'm not leaving.

    Queen of Hearts: Sorry. Rule 42, you know.

  • Alice: [turning down an offer for a cup of tea] I'm sorry, but I just haven't the time!

    March Hare: The time! The time! Who's got the time?

  • Alice: [drinks from bottle] Mmm... tastes like cherry tart.

    [shrinks down]

    Alice: Custard.

    [shrinks down]

    Alice: Pineapple.

    [shrinks down]

    Alice: Roast turkey.

    [now at minimum size]

    Alice: Goodness! What did I do?

    Doorknob: [chuckles] You almost went out like a candle!

    Alice: But look, I'm just the right size!

    Doorknob: Oh - no use.


    Doorknob: I forgot to tell you.


    Doorknob: I'm locked!


    Alice: Oh, no!

    Doorknob: But of course, you've got the key, so...

    Alice: What key?

    Doorknob: Now, don't tell me you've left it up there!

  • Alice: Oh dear, everything is *so* confusing.

    Caterpillar: It is not.

    Alice: Well, it is to me.

    Caterpillar: Why?

    Alice: Well, I can't remember things like I used to, and...

    Caterpillar: Recite.

  • Alice: Unbirthday? I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand.

    March Hare: It's very simple. Now, thirty days has Septem -No. wait... An unbirthday, if you have a birthday, then you -


    March Hare: She doesn't know what an unbirthday is.

  • Alice: Of all the silly nonsense, this is the stupidest tea party I've ever been to in all my life.

  • [last lines]

    Alice's sister: Alice... Alice... will you kindly pay attention and recite your lesson?

    Alice: [waking up after escaping the mob] Hm? Oh. Oh, uh, how doth the little crocodile improve each shining tail and pour the waters of the...

    Alice's sister: Alice, what *are* you talking about?

    Alice: Oh. I'm sorry, but you see, the Caterpillar said...

    Alice's sister: Caterpillar? Oh, for goodness sakes. Alice, I... Oh, well. Come along, it's time for tea.

  • Alice: [singing] Painting the roses red...

    Card PainterCard PainterCard Painter: [singing] We're painting the roses red. Don't tell the Queen what you have seen or say that's what we said, but we're painting the roses red.

    Alice: Yes, painting the roses red.

    Card Painter: Not pink!

    Card Painter: Not green!

    Alice: Not aquamarine!

    Card PainterCard PainterCard Painter: We're painting the roses red!

  • [first lines]

    Alice's sister: [reading from a history book] "... leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand..." Alice.

    [camera zooms out to show Alice sitting in a tree, playing with Dinah and making a chain of daisies]

    Alice: Hmm? Oh, I'm listening.

    Alice's sister: "And even Stigand, the archbishop of Canterbury, agreed to meet with William and offer him the crown. William's conduct at first was moderate."

    [Alice laughs as her daisy crown falls on her sister's face]

  • Peter: I can't believe you just said that.

    Francis: Why not? It's the truth.

    Jack: He didn't really mean it.

    Alice: I think you're all equally grief-stricken. Let's just leave it at that.

  • March Hare: Have some more tea?

    Alice: I haven't had any yet, so I can't take more.

    March Hare: You mean you can't take less. It is very easy to take more than nothing.

  • Alice: How can you go on talking so quietly with your head in a ditch?

    White Knight: What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working all the same. In fact, I once invented a new pudding during the meat course.

    Alice: In time to have it cooked for the next course, hmmm? That was quick work!

    White Knight: Well, not the next course. In fact, I don't believe that pudding even was cooked.

    Alice: What did you mean it to be made of?

    White Knight: Well it began with blotting paper.

    Alice: That wouldn't be very nice, I'm afraid.

    White Knight: Not very nice alone, but imagine how good it would be mixed with other things such as gunpowder and sealing wax.

    [He sighs]

  • Alice: I've often seen a cat without a grin - but a grin without a cat!

  • [first lines]

    Alice: Alice thought to herself... Alice thought to herself 'Now you will see a film... made for children... perhaps... ' But, I nearly forgot... you must... close your eyes... otherwise... you won't see anything.

  • [repeated line]

    Alice: Sir, please!

  • Major Heyward: You see, a British officer never gives in without a struggle.

    Alice: Spoken like a true Britain, sir!

    Major Heyward: And Miss Munro, you may consider yourself in a permanent state of siege.

    Alice: I shall welcome it.

  • Major Heyward: I wonder if he can be trusted?

    Alice: What makes you think he can't?

    Major Heyward: Well, after all, he's little more than a white savage himself.

    Alice: Oh, Duncan, don't be such a bear.

  • Alice: I keep thinking there's an Indian behind every tree. My scalp feels very uncertain.

  • Hawkeye: I wonder if you can understand, what it means to be first.

    Alice: I think I can.

  • Alice: It seems you have a healthy contempt for everything British, haven't you?

    Hawkeye: I haven't noticed the British busting any cheers whenever they see me.

  • [first lines]

    Alice: Please, Mr. Dodgson. Just once more.

  • Alice: [sings] How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail / And pour the waters of the Nile on every golden scale! / How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws / And welcomes little fishes in with gently smiling jaws!

  • Alice: [sings] Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee agreed to have a battle / For Tweedle-Dum said Tweedle-Dee had spoiled his nice new rattle.

  • Alice: [sings] Just then flew by a monstrous crow, as black as a tar-barrel / Which frightened both the heroes so, they quite forgot their quarrel.

  • Alice: Now, who's that? Whoever lives here I wonder?

  • The March Hare: Have some wine.

    Alice: I don't see any wine.

    The March Hare: There isn't any.

    Alice: Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it.

    The March Hare: It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.

  • [last lines]

    Alice: [sings] So now I'll be the me I never knew.

  • Tenderheart Bear: You look beautiful, Alice!

    Lots-A-Heart Elephant: And that's the truth.

    Alice: I know you're just saying that, but thanks.

  • Alice: Well, your majesty, how did I do?

    The Queen of Hearts: You're as ready as can be to drink tea and play croquet before the court.

    Alice: How difficult can drinking tea and playing croquet be?

    [Scene cuts to Alice playing croquet while riding a flamingo and holding several cups of tea]

    Alice: I don't believe this!

  • Tenderheart Bear: You're doing great, Alice!

    Alice: Thanks to my friendly flamingo.

    Flamingo: I just happen to be the best in the business.

  • White Rabbit: You saved Wonderland, Alice. I thought it was you that made the garden bloom.

    Alice: Oh, I could never do that. Only someone special could make flowers bloom.

    Princess: Do you want to know a secret, Alice? You are as special as you think you are.

  • Tenderheart Bear: Gosh. They're little red robots.

    [the robots evolve into giants]

    Alice: You mean *big* red robots!

    Tweedles: You mean big red *rotten* robots!

  • Alice: Jesus Seth! This isn't fucking America! You can't go around shooting everyone!

  • Alice: Still, I liked hanging out with him, especially since he got the car. He spent a year doing it up, just so as we could go out driving and pretend like we were on route 66. This wasn't easy because we lived in New Zealand. There were no scorpions and no snakes, no gansters, people didn't carry handguns. It seemed to me like the safest. fucking. country in the world. And I hated it.

  • Alice: [to Kiwi] Excuse me, bitch? I'm a fucking sweetheart!

  • Alice: The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime, of being alone, you may only get one moment. One moment, when you're not tied up in a relationship with anyone. A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment, when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then... It's gone.

  • Alice: Do you want to go see the Rockefeller tree?

    Robin: No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples are visiting from Italy, and they want to know all about American Christmas traditions like us sitting on their faces.

  • Alice: I'm so obsessed with the idea of being in love that I just, it's like, I completely lose myself. Like, I forget what I want and I just disappear. I'm like the horse in 'The Neverending Story'.

  • Alice: [Bridget has secured Jack as guest on the show] I have to say, Bridget. I'm actually excited about this next guest. Relevant, relatable, extremely fuckable. Good work.

  • Alice: Stay golden, Ponyboy.

  • Alice: I wanna roll you up in a little ball and shove you up my vagina... You could just live there, it's warm and it's cozy... Oh I'd just walk around with you in there and just knowing, whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch it's your hair on my vagina!

  • Dale Doback: We're in the bathroom!

    Alice: This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on.

    [suddenly opens his pants and mounts him against the wall]

    Dale Doback: It's all slippery!

  • Alice: [sobs as she clings to Dale] OH, I *HATE* MY LIFE, DALE!

    [continues sobbing]

    Alice: DALE, I HATE MY LIFE!

  • Fool: Well I don't want in, I want out.

    Alice: Sometimes in is out.

  • Alice: He said he killed you!

    Fool: He was exaggerating.

  • Fool: My name is Fool. What's yours?

    Alice: [shyly] Alice.

    Fool: Don't be scared. You never seen a brother before?

    Alice: Never had a brother.

    Fool: No, I mean a black dude. There's black folks in this neighborhood.

    Alice: Neighborhood?

    Fool: The neighborhood. You know, outside.

    Alice: Well, that's outside, not in here.

    Fool: So you get outside, don't you?

    Alice: [shakes her head]

    Fool: You sayin' never?

    Alice: Can't get out. No one ever has.

    Fool: Well, I'm gonna get out. I'm a whole other thing.

  • Alice: People have tried.

    Fool: You mean, the people in the cellar?

    Alice: [nods]

    Fool: Who are they?

    Alice: Mommy and Daddy looked a long time to find the perfect boy child, but each one they found turned out bad. Some saw things they weren't supposed to, others heard too much, others talked back. Daddy cut out the bad parts, and put the boys in the cellar, one by one. They get flashlights and food of some kind. I suppose they're happy in their own way.

    Fool: Yeah right. What about you? How come they haven't put you in the cellar?

    Alice: I do not see, or hear, or speak evil. It's the only way.

    Fool: [hears screaming from within the walls] What is that?

    Alice: What?

    Fool: That yelling! What is that?

    Alice: Well, that's Roach.

    Fool: Roach?

    Alice: That's who Daddy's hunting. See, Daddy hates Roach because he got out of the cellar and into the walls, and now Daddy can't find him.

  • Ruby Williams: What're you gonna do, shoot us all?

    Woman: You'll do!

    Alice: No!

    [drops out of the ceiling and knocks the Woman's head against the floor]

    Ruby Williams: Damn, she knocked that bitch cold!

    Second man: Look at her, what they doing to her in there?

  • Fool: [after Roach rescues him from "Daddy"] Thanks.

    Roach: [smiles and nods]

    Fool: [to Alice] He doesn't talk much, does he?

    Alice: His tongue's cut out.

    Roach: [opens his mouth and shows a severed stump]

    Alice: Mommy caught him trying to call for help one day, and Daddy had to teach him to...

    Fool: Speak no evil, right?

    Alice: [nods]

    Fool: Your father's one sick mother, you know that? Actually, your mother's one sick mother, too!

    Alice: Shhh! You're speaking evil! They'd kill you if they heard a word you just said.

  • Man: Some niggers robbed the store.

    Woman: Again? May they burn in hell.

    Man: I'm very tense from this.

    Woman: You have one of your headaches?

    Man: Ooh... very VERY tense about this.

    Woman: Alice has been bad. She's been feeding that thing between the walls again.

    Alice: No... no...

    Woman: Remember not to bruise her face.

    [Woman leaves. Man begins taking off his belt to punish Alice]

    Man: Bad girls... burn in hell.

  • Fool: Listen Alice, they're not your real parents.

    Alice: What?

    Fool: They're not. They're not even husband and wife. They stole you, like they did Roach and all the others. They're a bunch of rotten baby snatchers.

    Alice: You're just saying that...

    Fool: My grandfather Booker told me. He wouldn't lie to me.

  • Alice: [to the woman] Go to hell!

  • Alice: Roach is my friend.

    Fool: Roach? I'm Poindexter.

    Roach: [tries to mumble his name]

    Fool: Everybody calls me Fool.

    Roach: Foo...?

    Fool: You sure got the names, huh?

    [notices Alice's basket of homemade dolls]

    Fool: This Leroy? You did this? Why you make these?

    Alice: To hold the souls of burglars when they died. Or salesmen, workmen, other people who saw too much.

  • George: [after Alice has fired Devonia for not watching all of the kids] Honey, it was an accident!

    Alice: So what?

    George: We can't throw out the option of having a babysitter just because we had a bad one. We'll find somebody really responsible to look after the kids.

    Alice: Over my dead body.

  • George: I really don't like our dog.

    Alice: I really don't like those people, George. I don't trust them. I don't want their money. I know my opinion doesn't matter, but I'm not interested in expanding. If I had been home instead of helping you impress those morons, Emily wouldn't have fallen in the pool. And I'm not re-entering the work force, George. You're gonna have to do this on your own. And you will. Somehow, you'll make your fortune. And tucked away behind you deep in the shadows will be me and the kids.

    George: That's how you see me. Suddenly, I'm a lousy husband and father. Everything was just fine until Beethoven came into our lives. I've tried to be patient, but I've had it. The dog has to go.

    Alice: I'm proud of Beethoven. Those two idiots insulted your kids, they treated me like dirt, and he was the only one of us who had the nerve to give them the ride they deserved. I'm going to bed.

    [she heads back inside]

    George: My dream's going down the drain, and you're worried about a dog.

    Alice: Your family's going down the drain, and you're worried about a dream.

  • [Alice has just split her pants open at the rear while on a secret spy mission]

    Alice: I need assistance. I'm... exposed.

  • Burton Jernigan: [Jernigan has been hit in the groin by Alice with a crowbar when she tried to kill Alex's petmouse, Doris] You... smacked my winkie.

    Alice: Well, if you changed your shorts once in a while, maybe you wouldn't have rats in your pants.

  • Alice: You got hit with a book?

    Earl Unger: Books. Plural a trunk, full of books. Then a set of weights. We got hit twice, you dumb broad!

  • [as Alice locks them in Mrs. Hess's garage, intending to keep her from interfering]

    Mrs. Hess: Why are you closing the door?

    Alice: I left my heart in San Francisco.

  • [Alex is hiding in the closet and Mr. Unger tries to unlock the door]

    Earl Unger: I'm coming for you, shorty, to pay you back for all the misery you caused me.

    Alice: Mr. Unger, what are you doing?

    Earl Unger: He's in the closet. Scaring him a little, just before I grab him. And behind door number one!

    [Mr. Unger opens the closet door and Alex just disappeared]

    Earl Unger: Towels.

    Burton Jernigan: Hmph.

    Earl Unger: I saw this door close.

    Alice: Idiot.

    Earl Unger: Would I make it up? Why? What's the point? We working on commission here?

  • [Mr. Unger and Mr. Jernigan meet Beaupre, who just found Alex's toy car, at the Alcott's house]

    Burton Jernigan: It's a video camera. Someone's onto us.

    Earl Unger: Do you think this really matters? Chip's in the car. We're at the airport in 45 minutes.

    Peter Beaupre: Where's Alice?

    Alice: [as she pushes a baby stroller to the Alcott's shed] What happened?

    Peter Beaupre: There's a woman in the house. I'll go back in and deal with her. Get the chip.

    [Beaupre then hands Alice the car]

  • Alice: Good Afternoon, my husband and I just moved into the neighborhood.

  • Marcia Brady: [in Jan's thought] But Jan, you don't have friends. You're just jealous Jan.

    [Jan wakes up, holds a pair of scissors like a knife, and starts to cut Marcia's hair]

    Cindy Brady: Jan, what are you doing?

    Jan Brady: Go back to sleep Cindy!

    Cindy Brady: Jan don't. Marcia's hair is so beautiful.

    Jan Brady: Exactly. That's why I'm gonna make alot of money when I sell it.

    [Jan continues to cut Marcia's hair]

    Jan Brady: [laughs psychotically]

    Cindy Brady: [Screams]

    [Carol and Alice come into the room]

    Carol Brady: Jan, what are you doing?

    [Marcia's got a new hairdo]

    Carol Brady: Oh Marcia, I love your hair!

    Alice: What a groovy hairdo!

    Cindy Brady: Oh, you're so beautiful!

    Jan Brady: No! She was supposed to look bad! No! No!

    [Jan wakes up]

    Jan Brady: What a horrible dream.

  • Sam: Wait a minute, I've got something for you.

    Alice: [rolls her eyes] Unless it fits on my fingers, I gotta hit the hay.

    Sam: It better fit, or I'm gonna have to take it back.

    Alice: [gets excited, closes her eyes and sticks out her hand] Sam, I thought this day would never come!

    Sam: [Gives Alice a bowling ball] When I saw it, I thought it was right up your alley.

    Alice: I'm bowled over.

  • Carol Brady: Why don't you help Alice bake some cookies?

    Cindy Brady: Okay Mommy

    [talking to Alice]

    Cindy Brady: Can my doll help too?

    Alice: As long as it's not Betsy Wetsy. She makes my cookies soggy woggy.

  • Rev. Elcott: [after rounding up the girls] We're all fathers here and we love you, so don't be afraid to answer. A while back I heard a wee babe crying in the house. Whose is it?

    [girls look at one another]

    Rev. Elcott: Whose is it, don't be afraid to tell?

    DorcasAliceSarahLizaRuthMartha: [all at once and smiling] Mine!

  • Alice: [concerning Milly's marriage to Adam] Oh, I think it's wonderful; love at first sight.

    Mrs. Elcott: Alice! What kind of talk is that!

  • Dorcas: [upon seeing the Pontipee brothers arrive at the barn raising] Who are they? I don't recall ever seeing them before.

    Liza: They're strangers to me.

    Ruth: Seven of them.

    Martha: And all as tall as church steeples.

    Alice: It's Milly! Milly!

  • John: Baby, just tell me what the hell happened?

    Alice: I fell down the stairs.

    John: We don't have stairs.

  • Alice: Why would I want an organism growing exponentially inside of my body and then ripping its way out of my tight, sweet, fresh, young, undamaged v-a-g-i-n-a?

  • Alice: It's the first time I've been the breadwinner, and it feels good.

    John: It's not a paycheck. Alice, this is not a job.

    Alice: Good. Most people kill themselves for decades and get nowhere.

  • Alice: There is nothing evil about wanting more.

  • Alice: Where did you go, silly rabbit?

    Edward Sullen: [aiming gun] I'm a killer.

  • Alice: [to a cow] Come on, don't you want to be free?

  • Alice: I think our major learning was cows are pretty stupid.

  • [giving Alice his card]

    P.K. Dubey: It has an address for sending mail through the computer.

    Alice: Mmm. E-mail?

    P.K. Dubey: You know about it?

  • [all the Brady kids and Alice are tied together by a staircase from Roy Martin, who left and kidnapped mom, they all think in their heads]

    Bobby Brady: If I had been a better detective, I would've been on Mr. Martin sooner. This is all my fault.

    Cindy Brady: If I wasn't too busy looking for my doll, I would've seen something suspicious. This is all my fault.

    Kitty Carry-all: I bet he wouldn't have tied me up if I was Barbie. This is all my fault.

    Peter Brady: What a dumb-head I am. I guess Roy was not much of a hero after all. This is all my fault.

    Alice: I must've not put enough mushrooms in his spaghetti sauce. This is all my fault.

    Greg Brady: Marcia looks great in those ropes... Wait a minute, what am I saying? This is all my fault!

    Jan Brady: It was wrong to make up George Glass. This is all my fault!

    Marcia: This is all Jan's fault.

  • [stepping out of the refrigerator]

    Alice: How about that! The light really does go off when you close the door!

  • Alice: Oh, just the ones in your room. And, they sure look mighty tasty, too!

    [Walks out]

    Roy Martin: [laughing] The ones from my room.

    [Stops laughing]

    Roy Martin: My room? The one's from my. Oh no!

    Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?

    [the song "Good Morning Starshine" begins, and the flowers on Carol's dress animate and float around her face]

    Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?

    Roy Martin: Oh God! I'm tripping with the Bradys!

  • Alice: That Sam is so thoughtful. He promised to slip me a special tube steak.

  • Alice: Ni le début d'abus.

  • Alice: [of sex] It's like olives, dear. It's something you aquire a taste for.

  • Jerry Webster: [Carol screams] Now stop that! You're my wife!

    Alice: Some girls just aren't ready for marriage.

  • Muse: Yeah, I know Professor Davis. He's trying to get you into the sack.

    Alice: No!

    Muse: Yeah, it's the main reason he teaches: female pupils.

    Alice: No, he's, he's very deep! He's not like that.

    Muse: Yeah, 'very deep' is exactly where he wants to put it.

  • [Alice tells off her unfaithful husband, Doug]

    Alice: I've done things I didn't know I had in me.

  • Alice: But then when dad died you drank yourself to death with, with margaritas.

    Alice's Mother: I couldn't help it darling. You know I couldn't resist the taste of salt around the rim of a glass.

  • [first lines]

    Doug: Hey, where are you now?

    Alice: Nowhere.

    Doug: It's late, I have to go.

  • Ivan: [finding Alice at a table with three champagne flutes; a single aspirin is in front of each] Why all the champagne?

    Alice: I need it to take the aspirin.

    Ivan: Why do you need aspirin?

    Alice: Oh, champagne gives me a headache.

  • Seth Shapiro: [helping her on with her fur coat] What a fabulous look! What's it called?

    Alice: Peach Divine.

    Seth Shapiro: Is it edible?

    Alice: Do you think he's bi-sexual?

    Ivan: He never looked at a woman in his life!

  • Alice: Don't you have a pair of scissors?

    Harbour: No. We don't dare have anything sharp around. I've got a wee brother.

  • Alice: What does the psychologist say?

    Harbour: Seems upset. Wilbur threw Brussels sprouts at him in the cafeteria.

  • Alice: He's read the complete works of Enid Blyton aloud to Mary.

    Harbour: Poor child.

  • Alice: You could use a little more heat around this place...!

    Walter Paisley: It's bad for the clay! You'll get used to it!

  • Alice: [Unimpressed with Walter and his new-found fame as a sculptor] Oh, let's change the subject. I'm sick of hearing about sculptors. Nobody knows how to do that anymore, much less the busboy from The Yellow Door.

    Walter Paisley: [Offended] Who do you think you're talkin' about?

    Alice: Don't shout at me!

    Walter Paisley: I don't like you...

    Alice: [Mocking laughter] Nobody asked your opinion, Walter! You're just a simple farm boy, and the rest of us are sophisticated beatniks.

  • Alice: With you lot, it's all or nothing. You either wake up triumphantly, or you go back to sleep instantly. It's bestial.

  • Alice: [At a pub] So is this all people do in Dublin?

    Alan: There's not that much to do in the evenings. Maybe in the summertime...

    Alice: There must be something.

    Alan: Play a few games of pool. Get a kebab?

    Alice: I thought you were a tourist adviser?

    Alan: We usually advise them to go somewhere else.

  • Alice: Hey, if you had a summer romance with someone like eight years ago and they wanted you to stay an extra night to catch up, would you do it?

    Airline Woman: And no funny business?

    Alan: No!

    Airline Woman: Like nothing?

    Alan: Well, I can.

  • Alice: [the men are playing poker] Got room for another?

    Paul: Sure. But we only play for real money.

    Alice: That's a shame. I only have Euros.

  • Alice: Hello, is your *uncle* home?

    Cooper's groupie: Uncle? Oh, yeah. Just a moment.

    Cooper's groupie: [calls upstairs suggestively] Uncle Chris!

    Dr. Chris Cooper: Uncle? What, are we playing *that* game again?

  • [looking into a microscope]

    Alice: This urine is great!

  • Mike: If I don't worry about the content in my show, then I'm part of the problem. I'm making the world more mediocre!

    Alice: I think that you're overstating the situation just a little bit.

    Mike: But you've never seen "Taxi Driver"!

    Alice: I am going to rent "The Taxi Driver", okay?

  • Barbara: In the "sex club" we only talk about sex, we don't actual do it.

    Lenny: That's okay I would not want to get anyone pregnant.

    Alice: Oh you don't have to worry about that Barbara can't get pregnant, she has not started her period yet.

    Barbara: Hey.

    Lenny: What?

  • Christine: [while suntanning] I have to do 25 minutes on my stomach.

    Alice: To make up for the 25 minutes you spent on your back, last night?

  • [first lines]

    Alice: [to clerk] Got maps?

  • Alice: How's the happy burger?

    John Scardino: Mildly amusing.

  • Ralph Hughes: Marion, darling. How do you feel? Why, you look better this morning, much better! Doesn't she, Mother?

    Mrs. Hughes: Indeed she does!

    Julia Ross: My name isn't Marion, and I'm not married to you or anyone. I was engaged as a secretary! Now what does this all mean? Why did we leave London?

    Mrs. Hughes: You haven't forgotten us again, have you, Marion?

    Julia Ross: I'm not Marion, and you know it.

    Mrs. Hughes: All right, dear. Let's not argue. Let's just have our tea, and perhaps another nap, and then you'll feel much better.

    Ralph Hughes: I'm afraid it's cold.

    Mrs. Hughes: Alice, bring some more hot water quickly, please.

    Alice: Yes, mum.

    Julia Ross: I don't know what this is all about, but I promise you some very serious trouble unless you stop it immediately. You know perfectly well I'm Julia Ross.

    Mrs. Hughes: Marion, dear, please don't excite yourself so. You'll just bring on another attack.

    Julia Ross: Attack? Attack of what?

    Mrs. Hughes: Nerves, dear, just nerves. Oh, we do so want you to know you're with your own family!

    Julia Ross: Nonsense!

    Ralph Hughes: Marion, darling!

    [He grasps her by her arm]

    Ralph Hughes: Control yourself!

    Julia Ross: Let me go.

    Mrs. Hughes: We're doing everything in our power to make you well again.

    Julia Ross: [Ralph's grasp becomes painful] Let me go! If you don't stop this, I'll have you arrested!

    [Clearly Ralph's grip is unbearable]

    Julia Ross: Why are you doing this? It's so stupid, so silly!

  • Alice: It's never too late to be who you might have been.

  • Alice: Don... Help us... Don... Help us

  • [first lines]

    Donald Harris: What are you going to cook?

    Alice: Your favorite.

    Donald Harris: What, again?

  • Alice: Who were chasing you?

    Boy in Cottage: My mum, my dad... They're trying to kill me. There's others too.

    Donald Harris: How many?

    Boy in Cottage: Loads.

  • Larry: Alice, tell me something true.

    Alice: Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - but it's better if you do.

  • Alice: Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.

  • Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.

    Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

  • Dan: Didn't fancy my sandwiches?

    Alice: Don't eat fish.

    Dan: Why not?

    Alice: Fish piss in the sea.

    Dan: So do children.

    Alice: Don't eat children either.

  • Larry: What does your cunt taste like?

    Alice: Heaven.

  • Larry: [on a photography exhibit] What do you think?

    Alice: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and... all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful 'cause that's what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone... But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so... the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie.

    Larry: I'm the big fat liar's boyfriend.

    Alice: Bastard!

  • Alice: I'm not a whore.

    Larry: I wouldn't pay.

  • Alice: Is it because she's successful?

    Dan: No. It's because... she doesn't need me.

  • [first lines]

    Alice: Hello, stranger.

  • Dan: I'll always love you. I hate hurting you.

    Alice: Then why are you?

  • Alice: No one will ever love you as much as I do. Why isn't love enough?

  • Alice: You still fancy me?

    Dan: ...Of course.

    Alice: You're lying. I've been you.

  • Alice: I don't love you anymore. Goodbye.

  • Larry: I want you to tell me your name. Please.

    [throws down a note]

    Alice: Thank you. My name is Jane.

    Larry: Your real name.

    [throws down another note]

    Alice: Thank you. My real name is Jane.

    Larry: Careful.

    [throws down another note]

    Alice: Thank you. Still Jane.

    Larry: I've about got another 500 quid here. Why don't I just give you all this money, and you tell me what your real name is, Alice.

    [throws down the rest of his money]

    Alice: I promise.

    [picks up some of the money]

    Alice: Thank you. My real name... is plain... Jane Jones.

  • Alice: How can one man be so endlessly disappointing?

    Dan: That's my charm.

  • Dan: And you left him, just like that?

    Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."

    Dan: Supposing you do still love them?

    Alice: You don't leave.

    Dan: You've never left someone you still love?

    Alice: Nope.

  • Larry: You shouldn't smoke.

    Alice: Fuck off.

    Larry: I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to say things like that.

  • Alice: I don't want to lie. I can't tell the truth. So it's over.

  • Dan: It's not safe out there.

    Alice: Oh, and it's safe in here?

  • Alice: [in the emergency room] Are we in for a long wait?

    Dan: [indicating an old woman] She was 21 when she came in.

  • Larry: So Anna tell me your bloke wrote a book. Any good?

    Alice: Of course.

    Larry: It's about you isn't it?

    Alice: Some of me.

    Larry: Oh? What did he leave out?

    Alice: The truth.

  • Alice: Why isn't love enough?

  • Dan: I saw this face, this vision; the moment you stepped into the road. It was the moment of my life.

    Alice: This is the moment of your life.

    Dan: You were perfect.

    Alice: I still am.

  • Dan: What were you doing in New York?

    Alice: You know...

    Dan: Well no, I don't. What, were you studying?

    Alice: Stripping.

    Alice: [Dan looks shocked] Look at your little eyes...

    Dan: I can't see my little eyes

  • Dan: When I get back, please tell me the truth.

    Alice: Why?

    Dan: Because I'm addicted to it. Because without it, we're animals. Trust me.

  • Dan: Deception is brutal, I'm not pretending otherwise.

    Alice: How? How does it work? How do you do this to someone?

    [Dan is silent]

    Alice: Not good enough!

  • Alice: So this man comes into the café today, and he says, "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"

    Dan: Funny guy.

    Alice: So I go, "I'm waiting for a man to come in here and fuck me sideways with a beautiful line like that."

    Dan: So what did he ask for?

    Alice: He asked for a cup of tea with two sugars.

  • Alice: Can I still see you?

    [Dan stands silent]

    Alice: Dan can I still see you? Answer me.

    Dan: I can't see you. If I see you I'll never leave you.

    Alice: What will you do if I find someone else?

    Dan: Be jealous.

  • [last lines]

    Customs Officer: Welcome back, Miss Jones.

    Alice: Thank you.

  • Larry: I used to come here a million years ago, when it was a punk club. The stage was... Everything is a version of something else. Twenty years ago. How old were you?

    Alice: Four.

    Larry: Christ. When I was in flares, you were in nappies.

    Alice: My nappies were flared.

  • Larry: There's a girl out there who calls herself Venus, what's her real name?

    Alice: Pluto.

  • Dan: You came to, you focused on me, you said, Hello, stranger.

    Alice: What a FLOOZY!

  • Larry: What would happen if I touched you now?

    Alice: I would call security.

    Larry: And what would they do?

    Alice: They would ask you to leave and ask you not to come back.

    Larry: And if I refused to leave?

    Alice: They would remove you. Those are security cameras in the ceiling.

    Larry: I think it's best I don't attempt to touch you. I'd like to touch you. Later.

  • Dan: Why did you fuck him?

    Alice: I wanted to.

    Dan: Why?

    Alice: I desired him.

    Dan: Why?

    Alice: You weren't there!

    Dan: Why him?

    Alice: He asked me nicely.

    Dan: You're a liar.

    Alice: So?

    Dan: Who are you?

    Alice: I'm no one!

    [Alice spits in Dan's face. Dan raises his hand to slap her]

    Alice: Go on, hit me. It's what you want. come on, hit me, fucker!

    [Dan slaps Alice]

  • Larry: I'll pay you.

    Alice: I don't need your money.

    Larry: You have my money.

    Alice: Thank you.

  • Alice: What's your work?

    Dan: I'm sort of... journalist.

    Alice: What sort?

    Dan: I write obituaries.

  • Alice: Do you want one?

    Larry: No. Yes. No. Fuck it, yes!

    Larry: [takes the pack] No. I've given up.

  • Alice: Who was your last boyfriend?

    Anna: My husband.

    Alice: Was he English?

    Anna: Very.

  • [as Alice strips for Larry]

    Larry: Are you flirting with me?

    Alice: Maybe.

    Larry: Are you allowed to flirt with me?

    Alice: Sure.

    Larry: Really?

    Alice: No, I'm not. I'm breaking all the rules.

    Larry: You're mocking me!

    Alice: Yes, I'm allowed to flirt.

  • Alice: You all done?

    Dan: Mmm.

    Alice: How's the photographer?

    Dan: Good. Professional. Rigorous. Thievy. One of your lot.

    Alice: What, female?

    Dan: Americano.

    [They start up the stairs]

    Dan: Come on.

    [They walk into a room]

    Dan: Anna, Alice.

    Anna: Hi.

    Alice: Sorry to interrupt.

    Anna: No, we've just finished. Would you like some tea?

    Alice: No, thanks. I've been serving it all day. Can I use your loo?

    Anna: Sure. Just through there.

    [Alice walks off]

    Anna: She is beautiful.

    Dan: I've got to see you.

    Anna: No.

    Dan: What is this, patriotism?

  • Dan: At six, we stand round the computer and look at the next day's page, make final changes, add a few euphemisms for our own amusement.

    Alice: Such as?

    Dan: "He was a convivial fellow" - meaning he was an alcoholic. "He valued his privacy" - gay. "He enjoyed his privacy" - raging queen.

    Alice: What would my euphemism be?

    Dan: She was... disarming.

    Alice: That's not a euphemism.

    Dan: Yes, it is.

  • Alice: So you're Anna's boyfriend.

    Larry: A princess *can* kiss a toad.

    Alice: Frog.

    Larry: Toad.

    Alice: Frog.

    Larry: Toad. Frog. Lobster. They're all the same.

  • Larry: So... you're a stripper.

    Alice: Yeah... and?

    Larry: [Larry leans in to kiss her, then he stops and begins to walk away] You take care now.

  • Larry: You think because you don't love us, or desire us, or even like us, you think you've won.

    Alice: It's not a war.

  • Larry: You're mocking me.

    Alice: Yes I'm allowed to flirt.

    Larry: To prise my money from me.

    Alice: To prise your money from you I may do or say as I please.

    Larry: Except touch?

    Alice: We're not allowed to touch.

  • [each commenting on the other's lover]

    Larry: He's very pretty.

    Alice: She's... very tall.

  • Alice: [to Daniel] You're a piece of shit.

  • [Alice finds Mark sitting at the park]

    Alice: Susan told me you were here. I guess you forgot our appointment.

    Mark: I just didn't feel like talking.

    Alice: Talking helps. It helped the last time, didn't it?

    Mark: You're a Doctor. You know things.

    Alice: Well, some things.

    Mark: What do you think? What makes people evil?

    Alice: Evil is a word people use when they've given up trying to understand someone. There's a reason for everything if we could just find it.

    Mark: What if there isn't a reason? What if something just is?

    Alice: Why, Mark? Do you think you're evil? 'Cause you let your mother die? You that's not true.

    Mark: What if there was this boy and he did these terrible things because he liked doing them? Wouldn't you say he was evil?

    Alice: I don't believe in evil.

    Mark: You should.

  • [Mark heads to the family counselor Alice, where he talks about his feelings]

    Alice: You know, this is a nice change. Most of my patients - All they want to do is talk.

    Mark: Well, I just don't have anything else to say.

    Alice: Your dad thinks you do.

    Mark: He wants me to talk about my mom.

    Alice: Sometimes it helps.

    Mark: I can handle it.

    Alice: You can?

    Mark: I have to.

    Alice: Why?

    Mark: Because when you make a promise... when something's your fault...

    Alice: What did you do?

    Mark: I let someone die.

  • Alice: Sometimes I feel like I don't know you.

  • Alice: Shay, what does shagging mean?

    Shay Baker: Cooking. That's all.

    Alice: Oh! Mum's a much better shagger than you.

  • Alice: Let me guess: 40, married, marketing, two kids.

    Steve Butler: 38, stripper/waitress,but born to be a singer.

    Alice: Fuck you, I'm a teacher!

    Steve Butler: No, I was talking about me. You wanna see a dance? It's 100 bucks.

  • [Alice is getting stoned]

    Darlene Davis: You've got to be kidding.

    Alice: What?

    Darlene Davis: Do you really think getting stoned right now is a good idea?

    Alice: Yes, I think it's an excellent idea.

  • Alice: If my brain wasn't on drugs right now, I could possibly kill someone.

  • Alice: I don't sing with my ass!

  • [last lines]

    Tommy: [final lines] You really love David, don't you?

    Alice: Yep, I do.

    Tommy: Yeah, I like him too, I just hate his taste in music. He always said you could fight with somebody and still like him.

    Alice: Hey, now you're using your old noggin! Thanks pal!

    [hugs and kisses]

    Alice: My boy!

    Tommy: Mom, mom, I can't breathe!

  • Alice: Mott the Hoople AGAIN?

  • David: [Tommy's milking a cow] Hey, Tommy, watch the fingernails.

    Tommy: Well, Christ, she's got tits the size of cucumbers. What do you expect?

    Alice: Ahem. I don't know where he gets that language, I really don't.

    Tommy: Think real hard, it'll come to you, lady.

  • Alice: [while driving Tommy home from the police station] Ya look like you've been embalmed.

  • Alice: [after Tommy, was being a smart aleck] If you open your mouth, once more, I swear to God, I'm gonna nail it shut.

    Tommy: [Opens his mouth]

    Alice: I'm warning you, Tommy. I'm gonna throw you out, and you're gonna walk the last mile home.

    [Tommy makes, faces at his mother]

    Alice: Get out!

    [Kicks Tommy, out of the car, and Alice drives away]

  • Tommy: Life is short.

    Alice: Yeah, well, so are you.

  • Tommy: He asked us out there Sunday.

    Alice: Farmer John's just gonna have to get along without me, I can tell you that.

    Tommy: I want to go.

    Alice: No.

    Tommy: [Jumping on the couch] Yes!

    Alice: No!

    Tommy: YES!

    Alice: NO!

    Tommy: [Kicks the couch] Shit!

  • Alice: I AM a singer.

  • Tommy: Mom, are we in Arizona yet?

    Alice: If you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna beat you to death. Just sit back there and relax and enjoy life, huh?

    Tommy: Life is short.

    Alice: So are you.

  • Alice: Somebody screamed.

    Rocky: That was you, Alice.

  • [opening lines; all in voiceover]

    Yasmine: [as she dances] Dark phrases of womanhood, of never having been a girl. Half-note scattered without rhythm.

    Juanita: [as she waters her plants] ... without rhythm. No tune distraught. Laughter falling over a black girl's shoulders. It's funny...

    Gilda: [as she cleans dust away with her broom] ... funny. It's hysterical. The melodylessness of her dance. Don't tell nobody, don't tell a soul. She's dancing on beer cans and shingles.

    Jo: [as she readies herself for bed] She's dancing on beer cans and shingles. This must be the spook house. Another song with no singers, lyrics no voices and uninterrupted solos, unseen performances. Are we ghouls? Children of horror?

    Alice: [as she prays in her closet] Children of horror? The joke? Don't tell nobody, don't tell a soul. Are we animals? Have we gone crazy?

    Kelly: [as she looks at a pregnancy test] ... gone crazy? I can't hear anything but maddening screams and the soft strains of death. And you promised me. You promised somebody. Anybody. Sing a black girl's song.

    Nyla: [as she walks to the stage for her diploma] ... a black girl's song. Bring her out to know herself. To know you, but sing her rhythms caring...

    Tangie: [as she reads over unseen documents] ... caring, struggle. Hard times, sing her song of life. She's been dead so long, closed in silence so long.

    Crystal: [as she has sex with Beau Willie] ... so long.She doesn't know the sound of her own voice, her infinite beauty. She's half-note scattered without rhythm, no tune. Sing her sighs... Sing the song of her possibilities. Sing a righteous gospel. Let her be born.

    YasmineJuanitaGildaJoAliceKellyNylaTangieCrystal: [simultaneously] Let her be born and handled warmly. And this is for colored girls who have considered suicide but moved to the ends of their own rainbows.

  • Alice: He only left you that money, so you could control me like he did. He used to put his hands on my dress. Told me I was the only one he needed. Told me I was ugly. And when I was 15, he gave me to a white man. Said he wanted beautiful granddaughters... not like me.

  • Tangie: [Angrily] You don't know me.

    Alice: [Sadly] I do.

  • Alice: You're my angel.

  • [about Helen's wedding ring]

    Alice: Let's see the handcuff.

  • Martha Baring: What lies did you tell her? Answer me!

    [Alice just looks at her]

    Martha Baring: Answer me!

    Alice: I am, you just can't see my finger.

  • Alice: She was a stable girl, shoveling horse shit!

  • Rebecca: Old houses are like people. They grumble and moan and cry like they're in pain.

    Alice: And keep you awake at night.

  • Alice: Come with me.

    [Charlie shakes his head in disagreement]

    Alice: Then I'm staying.

  • Alice: May you be happy in the life you've chosen.

    Young Ebenezer Scrooge: [angrily] Thank you! I shall be!

  • Alice: Are you more rested?

    Alice's Patient: I am. Bless your dear, gentle heart. You know, I didn't think there was anyone like you left in the whole wide world.

  • Alice: [as Peggy binds a resurrected Alice with a blessed noose] That... Won't Work On Me!

    [un-binds herself and picks up a sharp spike]

  • Alice: [knocks on the door] They want you downstairs! You have to come out sometime; you can't sulk in there forever! Open the door! You've been at my lipstick too, haven't you? Pest!

    [Rosaleen is shown tossing and turning in bed]

    Alice: What makes you so different anyway, Buck-Teeth? Come on out, pest! It's not because I want you; it's because mummy wants you. Pest, pest, pest...

  • Bag Lady: What has no conditions but one condition?

    Alice: Love.

  • Whitey: What do I get a man who can rob anything?

    Alice: What about a cake?

    Whitey: Nice one Britney.

    Alice: That's not my name.

    Whitey: You don't know who you are, so you don't know who you're not.

  • Alice: He sounds... fascinating.

    Whitey: I've heard Harry called a lot of F-words. Fascinating's a new one.

  • Caterpillar: Watchya lookin' for?

    Alice: Uh, a pick me up...?

    Caterpillar: 5-3-5 and 2-6 and 1. Lucky eyes here now. Before delivery is done.

    Alice: What? Mister...?

    Caterpillar: Trapped, Mister. See this eye? I'm no pillar, I'm a cat. Post man chiller is where I'm at.


    Alice: [Sirens go off as police approach] I think it's the police.

    [Alice get's pulled into the car]

    Alice: What are you doing?

    Caterpillar: Saving your ass from the SPG. Them mothers will lock you down and trow away the key.

    Alice: I haven't done anything.

    Caterpillar: Tell it to the judge. The sentence is life and they don't budge. My hooker, she's a looker. Hit me scratch and I even let you.

    Alice: Pleased to meet you.

    Hooker: Policemen here is not to be trusted. Step out of line and, pow.

    Caterpillar: You is busted.


    Hooker: What about you, babe?

    Alice: London, a cabby said he'd take me, but then he disappeared. He didn't seem honest. He isn't, as I feared.

    Caterpillar: Affective wit a rhyme! Check it out now, Don Jon.

    [Skids car sideways]

    Hooker: Next stop, Louis street. Number 31. 2 first class for a Jon named Jon.

    Alice: Seems a little late to deliver the post.

    Caterpillar: Encontrar, now's when folks need it most.

    Hooker: Baby you got e-mail.

    Alice: You sell drugs?

    Hooker: In a ride.

    Caterpillar: Not a pill on the planet I don't know and you can't buy.

    Alice: Uh, well, these don't seem to be working and I need to get my memory back from where it is lurking.

    Caterpillar: 'For Your Hear' BITCH! That's a heavy pop.

    Hooker: You better see a doc before you open up the top.

  • Alice: But I've already taken one. Or have I taken 2?I can't remember old stuff, and now I can't remember new.

    Caterpillar: [opens windows to stop cops with smoke]


    Hooker: Think yourself smart. I wish it was me. Take for your head and be who you wanna be.

    Alice: But how can I be who I wanna be when I am who I am?

    Caterpillar: When memories come back, some you keep and some you trash in the can.

    Hooker: You've been dealt the cards, just rearrange the deal.

    Caterpillar: We pick you up one, we drop you down two.

    Alice: If I get to the party, My driver's inside...

    Caterpillar: No access to the party without an invitation.

    Alice: Where can I get one?

    Caterpillar: I know *just* the location.


    Caterpillar: [Car pulls up to a house]

    Alice: Wow! Cool!

    [Alice gets out of the car]

    Alice: [Caterpillar rolls down the window] Thanks for the ride.

    Hooker: Bump the Duchess when you meet her inside.

    Caterpillar: Ciao from the hydroponic Bonnie and Clyde.


    Caterpillar: [Peels away]

  • Waiter: Good evening. Would anybody like a drink before you have dinner?

    Alice: Yeah, how about a...!

    Maggie: How about three more bottles of your best red wine this one's almost gone!

    Alice: Maggie, I don't like red wine!

    Maggie: Who said anything about YOU I ordered for myself!

    Diane: Maggie, when did you start drinking?

    Maggie: Look, just bring one bottle of everything and we'll sort it out later!

    Waiter: Certainly. Would that be all?

    Maggie: YES...!

  • Rocco: Aww... What a nice sweater. Thanks, Alice.

    Maggie: Who brought this?

    Alice: I did. It's Rocco's present.

    Maggie: Oh, SHIT! I forgot to get the birthday boy a present.

  • Alice: Who are you?

    Mrs. Voorhees: Why I'm... I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'.

  • [last lines]

    Alice: The boy. Is he dead, too?

    Tierney: Who?

    Alice: The boy. Jason.

    Tierney: Jason?

    Alice: In the lake, the one... the one who attacked me. The one who pulled me underneath the water.

    Tierney: Ma'am, we didn't find any boy.

    Alice: But... then he's still out there.

  • [while playing strip Monopoly]

    Alice: Baltic Avenue.

    Bill: No one ever lands on Baltic Avenue.

    Alice: I think it's a pretty color. I'll buy it.

    [Bill rolls and lands on Baltic Avenue]

    Alice: Ha. Baltic Avenue. You owe me one boot.

    Brenda: Alice draws first blood.

    Bill: That's a terrible way to talk about my feet.

  • Alice: Bill? Steve wants to know if we need more paint.

    Bill: Paint's all right. Need more thinner.

    Alice: Okay.

    Bill: Alice. Did the others show up?

    Alice: Yeah, everybody except that girl Annie.

    Bill: Think you're gonna last all summer?

    Alice: I don't know if i'm gonna last all week.

    Alice: I'll tell Steve about the thinner.

    Bill: Fine.

  • Alice: [finds a bloody axe in someone's bed] What is going on?

  • Alice: [a snake is under the bed] I can't sleep if there's a snake in here!

    Bill: I can't kill it until it comes out.

    Alice: Well, call him!

    Bill: How do you call a snake?

  • Alice: [Bill's just killed the snake] Is it dead?

    Ned: Either that or it's got a very short clone.

    Marcie: Well, at least we know what's for dinner.

  • Mrs. Voorhees: [seeing Brenda's dead body] Oh, good Lord! So young. So pretty. Oh, what monster could have done this?

    Alice: Bill's out there.

  • Alice: [praying] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless Jill, Grandma, and especially Auntie Nica. Amen.

    Barb: What about Chucky?

    Alice: Chucky says there is no God.

    Barb: What?

    Alice: He said life's a bitch and then you die bleeding like a stuck pig!

    Barb: Alice! You know it's not nice to curse!

    Alice: I didn't curse mommy, Chucky did.

    [looks over at Chucky, then back at Barb]

    Alice: Mommy, am I going to die?

    Barb: No sweetie, no!

    Alice: But Grandma died, and Chucky says we're all going to die.

    Barb: Alice, who really told you that? Was it Jill?

    Alice: No.

    Barb: Was it your daddy?

    Alice: No, it was Chucky.

  • Alice: Chucky, I'm scared!

    Chucky: [laughs] You fucking should be!

  • Alice: They'll never find me in here, Chucky! This is the best hiding place ever...


  • Alice: Chucky, you found me!

    Chucky: I told you I would.

    Alice: Where's Grandma?

    Chucky: In the cellar.

    Alice: What's she doing down there?

    Chucky: Nothin'.

    Alice: Chucky, Mommy and Daddy are dead. Aunty Nica killed them...

    Chucky: But I'm your friend to the end, Alice. And now it's time to play!

    Alice: Hide-And-Seek?

    Chucky: Hide-The-Soul. And guess what? You're it!

    Alice: Why do I always have to be it?

    Chucky: Because you're somebody that no one would ever suspect. Now, close your eyes.

  • Barb: [talking about the Chucky doll being sent to the house] It was obviously sent here by mistake; it must belong to someone else. And Alice, you already have too many dolls as it is...

    Alice: Yeah, but, Chucky's my friend till the end!

    Ian: Well I for one think it's a real nice gesture.


    Ian: Thank you, Auntie Nica!

    [off Barb's look]

    Ian: It's a doll. What's the worst that can happen, huh?

    Chucky: [In his Good Guy voice] I like to be hugged!

    Alice: I love to hug you too, Chucky!

    [as she hugs him tightly to her, Chucky's eyes eerily start to grow wide]

    Alice: [looks confused] What's that, Chucky?

    [has the doll pressed against her ear, as if listening to what he's saying]

    Alice: Oh, Chucky wants to know what's for dinner!

  • Chucky: Will you just keep your fucking voice down?

    Alice: Chucky, stop cursing!

  • Alice: [after eating the chili] Hmm. Hmmmm...

    Nica: Alice, honey, is something wrong?

    Alice: It tastes funny!


    Alice: Maybe we put too much oregano in.

    Barb: [laughs] Alice, sweetheart, it's not that bad.


    Barb: Eat it!

  • [first lines]

    Alice: Hello.

    Kristen Parker: Do you live here?

    Alice: Nobody lives here.

    Kristen Parker: Where's Freddy?

    Alice: Heh, heh. He's not home.

  • Ghost: [firing rifle] Go back to the darkness!

    Alice: Ghost? You shot at me! What the hell?

  • [first lines]

    Alice: In the beginning of the world, the earth and the sky were one creature, and it was the hardest thing to tear them apart. They loved each other so much. And that's why it rains. Because the earth and the sky are always trying to get back together. Mrs. Ferriter told me that, after my mother died, a long time ago, before I met Nora and Jim.

  • [last lines]

    Alice: They were starting over. People start over all the time. Every day; all the time. You wake up, open your eyes, take a breath, start over: that's how it is.

  • Alice: [to Lily] Hey, I'm always okay. You just need to relax and chill.

  • Alice: I'm beautiful, sexy, and gorgeous. Everyone will love me. And about the murders, I'm so sad, but I know it won't happen to me.

  • Alice: If it wasn't for nervy little Alice, you'd all be sinking your weary bones into the soft recesses of some park bench, with light sleepy coverlets made by the great American press.

    Jo: Press! That reminds me. I have pressing business.

    [she begins to iron her underwear]

  • Jo: Why don't you ditch that ham and get yourself a rich husband.

    Alice: Rich husband? Hah! I've heared they come that way. Not very often.

    Marvel: Often enough, but not our way.

    Alice: Oh, the girl has brains!

  • Alice: Lose yourself, find yourself, it's all the same in the end.

  • Alice: I hope you find someone to love with all your heart and if your heart breaks, I hope it breaks wide open.

  • Alice: If only you could see, life is over in the blink of an eye and most people are too asleep to even notice.

  • Paul: I think we grossly underestimate our sorrows, in general. We always die of sadness, actually.

    Alice: You mean sadness is put inside us at birth?

    Paul: Yes.

    Alice: Like eye color?

    Alice: Exactly. That's why it needs our care, but others can do nothing. No one can do anything about eye color. Also, I think it would be fair to let you take care of your sorrow alone.

  • Alice: We have to find the courage to be happy.

  • Alice: I love you despite what you did. All I want is to be with you.

  • Alice: He's like an extra terrestrial hobo!

  • Alice: Absence is the best way to distinguish real love from a flash in a pan.

    Martin Sauvagnac: But I still prefer presence.

  • Alice: Now that I realize I've just been suffering from a simple psychotic depression, I feel strangely empowered.

  • Alice: I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.

    Ari: What on?

    Alice: Doris Day as feminist warrior.

  • Alice: Intuition and romantic fatalism shouldn't be taken lightly.

  • Ro-Man: I am ordered to kill you. I must do it with my hands.

    Alice: How is it you're so strong, Ro-Man? It seems impossible.

    Ro-Man: We Ro-Mans obtain our strength from the planet Ro-Man, relayed from individual energizers.

  • The Professor: He's impervious!

    Alice: Unless we find his weak spot!

  • The Professor: [during wedding ceremony] Dear Lord, you know I'm not trained for this job...

    AliceThe Professor's Assistant: [under their breath] You could say that again.

  • Alice: You can't stay here, this place isn't safe; it's too old!

  • [Major Dellaplane advises Alice Vallier to stop looking for her missing fiancé]

    Major Dellaplane: You should forget about him too. What do you think you're going to find, a handsome young man in uniform? Even if he's alive, if by some miracle you find him, you may wish you never had. Because he'll be missing half his body or half his face.

    Alice: How can you say that?

    Major Dellaplane: I say it because it's better for both of you.

  • Alice: Will you go to Mass?

    Irène de Courtil: Why?

    Alice: Just because.

    Irène de Courtil: I don't think so, no.

    Alice: You're against it? You're against God?

    Irène de Courtil: I should be. All humans should be.

    Alice: You're right. Especially women. Only we don't dare.

Browse more character quotes from Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)


Characters on Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)