Alfred Pennyworth Quotes in The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)

Alfred Pennyworth: Were you looking at the old family pictures again?

Batman: At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.

Alfred Pennyworth: I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?

Batman: I don't talks about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, it's morning.

Alfred Pennyworth: Ha! You just got union jacked!

Batman: [from trailer]

[Kicks Alfred into piano]

Batman: Alfred, I am so sorry. I have incredible reflexes.

Alfred Pennyworth: I should have known better than to sneak up on you, Master Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: [in his high rise apartment] The bandit, in the forest in Burma, did you catch him?

Alfred Pennyworth: Yes.

Bruce Wayne: How?

Alfred Pennyworth: We burned the forest down.

Bruce Wayne: [while in the underground bat cave] Targeting me won't get their money back. I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight, but this is different. They crossed the line.

Alfred Pennyworth: You crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation. And in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn't fully understand.

Bruce Wayne: Criminals aren't complicated, Alfred. Just have to figure out what he's after.

Alfred Pennyworth: With respect Master Wayne, perhaps this is a man that *you* don't fully understand, either. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So, we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never met anybody who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.

Bruce Wayne: So why steal them?

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Alfred Pennyworth: [as they leave the underground bat cave] I suppose they'll lock me up as well. As your accomplice...

Bruce Wayne: [jokingly] Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.

Alfred Pennyworth: Will you be wanting the Batpod, sir?

Bruce Wayne: In the middle of the day, Alfred? Not very subtle.

Alfred Pennyworth: The Lamborghini, then.

[with deadpan sarcasm]

Alfred Pennyworth: Much more subtle.

Harvey Dent: Alfred, right?

Alfred Pennyworth: [during the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent] That's right, sir.

Harvey Dent: Yeah, Rachel talks about you all the time. You've known her, her whole life!

Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, not yet, sir.

Harvey Dent: Heh heh heh. Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should be aware of?

Alfred Pennyworth: [smiles] Oh, you have no idea.

Alfred Pennyworth: [while in the underground bat cave] Know your limits, Master Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: Batman has no limits.

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, you do, sir.

Bruce Wayne: Well, can't afford to know 'em.

Alfred Pennyworth: And what happens on the day that you find out?

Bruce Wayne: Well, we all know how much you love to say "I told you so."

Alfred Pennyworth: On that day, Master Wayne, even I won't want to. Probably.

Bruce Wayne: [while in the underground bat cave] People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?

Alfred Pennyworth: Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice.

Bruce Wayne: Well today I found out what Batman can't do. He can't endure this. Today you get to say "I told you so."

Alfred Pennyworth: Today, I don't want to.

[pauses for several moments]

Alfred Pennyworth: But I did bloody tell you.

Alfred Pennyworth: [looks at the large gash on Bruce's arm] Did you get mauled by a tiger?

Bruce Wayne: [quietly] It was a dog.

Alfred Pennyworth: Huh?

Bruce Wayne: It was a big dog!

[pause]

Bruce Wayne: More copycats last night, Alfred, with guns.

Alfred Pennyworth: Why don't you hire them and take the weekend off?

Alfred Pennyworth: I trust you don't have *me* followed on my day off.

Bruce Wayne: If you ever took one, I might.

Bruce Wayne: I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight. But this is different, they crossed the line.

Alfred Pennyworth: You crossed the line first, sir. You hammered then and in their desperation they turned to a man they didn't fully understand. Some men aren't looking for anything logical. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Bruce Wayne: You look tired, Alfred. You'll be all right without me?

Alfred Pennyworth: [looking at all the sunbathing women] You can tell me the Russian for, "Apply your own bloody suntan lotion."

Alfred Pennyworth: You spat in the faces of Gotham's worse criminals. Didn't you think there might be some casualties? Things were always going to get worse before they got better.

[Bruce straps braces onto his leg, grimacing with pain]

Alfred Pennyworth: Is it really painful?

Bruce Wayne: Well, you're welcome to try it, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: Happy watching, thank you, sir.

Alfred Pennyworth: Took quite a fall, didn't we, Master Bruce?

Thomas Wayne: And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

[as Wayne Manor is burning down]

Bruce Wayne: What have I done, Alfred? Everything my family... my father built...

Alfred Pennyworth: The Wayne legacy is more than bricks and mortar, sir.

Bruce Wayne: I wanted to save Gotham. I failed.

Alfred Pennyworth: Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Bruce Wayne: You still haven't given up on me?

Alfred Pennyworth: Never.

Alfred Pennyworth: Are you coming back to Gotham for long, sir?

Bruce Wayne: As long as it takes. I'm gonna show the people of Gotham their city doesn't belong to the criminals and the corrupt.

Alfred Pennyworth: In the depression, your father nearly bankrupted Wayne Enterprises combating poverty. He believed that his example could inspire the wealthy of Gotham to save their city.

Bruce Wayne: Did it?

Alfred Pennyworth: In a way. Their murder shocked the wealthy and the powerful into action.

Bruce Wayne: People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man, I'm flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed; but as a symbol... as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting.

Alfred Pennyworth: What symbol?

Bruce Wayne: Something elemental, something terrifying.

Alfred Pennyworth: I assume that as you're taking on the underworld, this symbol is a persona to protect those you care about from reprisals.

Bruce Wayne: You're thinking about Rachel?

Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, sir, I was thinking of myself.

[trying to lug a burning roof beam off of a helpless Bruce]

Alfred Pennyworth: What is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

Alfred Pennyworth: Why bats, Master Wayne?

Bruce Wayne: Bats frighten me. It's time my enemies shared my dread.

Bruce Wayne: [as Alfred opens the curtains] Bats are nocturnal.

Alfred Pennyworth: Bats may be, but even for billionaire playboys, three o'clock is pushing it. The price of leading a double life, I fear. Your theatrics made an impression.

[shows the newspaper to Bruce]

Bruce Wayne: Theatricality and deception are powerful weapons, Alfred. It's a good start.

Alfred Pennyworth: If those are to be the first of many injuries to come, it would be wise to find a suitable excuse. Polo, for instance.

Bruce Wayne: I'm not learning polo, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: Strange injuries a non-existent social life, these things beg the question as to what exactly does Bruce Wayne do with his time and his money.

Bruce Wayne: And what does someone like me do?

Alfred Pennyworth: Drive sports cars, date movie stars, buy things that are not for sale... who knows, Master Wayne? You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.

Bruce Wayne: Have you told anyone I'm coming back?

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, I just couldn't figure the legal ramifications of bringing you back from the dead.

Bruce Wayne: Dead?

Alfred Pennyworth: You've been gone seven years.

Bruce Wayne: You had me declared dead?

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, actually it was Mr. Earle, he's taking the company public. He wanted to liquidate your majority shareholding. Those shares are worth quite a bit of money.

Bruce Wayne: Well, it's a good thing I left everything to you, then.

Alfred Pennyworth: Quite so, sir. And you can borrow the Rolls if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank.

Alfred Pennyworth: [referring to ordering the separate cowl pieces from Asia] They'll have to be, uh, large orders, uh, to avoid suspicion.

Bruce Wayne: How large?

Alfred Pennyworth: Say, uh, 10,000.

Bruce Wayne: Well, at least we'll have spares.

Alfred Pennyworth: Will you be heading back to Princeton after the hearing, sir, or can I persuade you to stay on for a day or two?

Bruce Wayne: I'm not heading back at all.

Alfred Pennyworth: You don't like it there?

Bruce Wayne: I like it fine. They just don't feel the same way.

Alfred Pennyworth: I've prepared the master bedroom.

Bruce Wayne: No. My room will be fine.

Alfred Pennyworth: With all due respect, sir, Wayne Manor is your house.

Bruce Wayne: No, Alfred, it's my father's house.

Alfred Pennyworth: Your father is dead, Master Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: And this place is a mausoleum. If I have my way, I'll pull the damn thing down brick by brick.

Alfred Pennyworth: This house, Master Wayne, has sheltered six generations of your family.

Bruce Wayne: Why do you give a damn, Alfred? It's not your family.

Alfred Pennyworth: I give a damn, because a good man once made me responsible for what was most precious to him in the whole world. Miss Dawes has offered to drive you to the hearing. She probably hopes to talk you out of going.

Bruce Wayne: Should I just bury the past out there with my parents, Alfred?

Alfred Pennyworth: I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do with your past, sir. Just know that there are those of us who care about what you do with your future.

Bruce Wayne: Haven't given up on me yet?

Alfred Pennyworth: Never.

[Alfred smashes a prototype cowl with a baseball bat]

Alfred Pennyworth: It's a problem with the graphite, sir. The next 10,000 will be up to specifications.

Bruce Wayne: At least they gave us a discount.

Alfred Pennyworth: Quite. In the, uh, meantime, Sir, may I suggest you try to avoid landing on your head?

Rachel Dawes: [looking at the ruins of the burned down Wayne Manor] What will you do?

Bruce Wayne: Rebuild it. Just the way it was, brick for brick.

Alfred Pennyworth: *Just* the way it was, sir?

Bruce Wayne: Yeah. Why?

Alfred Pennyworth: I thought this might be a good opportunity for improving the foundations.

Bruce Wayne: In the south-east corner?

Alfred Pennyworth: Precisely, sir.

Bruce Wayne: Give it a try!

[Alfred turns on the lights of the cave]

Alfred Pennyworth: Charming.

[looks up and sees thousands of bats]

Alfred Pennyworth: At least you'll have company.

Bruce Wayne: We need to send these people away now.

Alfred Pennyworth: Those are Bruce Wayne's guests out there, sir. You have a name to maintain.

Bruce Wayne: I don't care about my name.

Alfred Pennyworth: It's not just your name, sir! It's your father's name! And it's all that's left of him. Don't destroy it.

Alfred Pennyworth: When you told me your grand plan for saving Gotham, the only thing that stopped me from calling the men in white coats was when you said that it wasn't about thrill-seeking.

Bruce Wayne: It's not.

Alfred Pennyworth: What would you call *that*?

[points to a TV news report showing a helicopter shot of the Batmobile being chased down the freeway by police cars]

Bruce Wayne: [as he fixes his tie] Damn good television.

Alfred Pennyworth: It's a miracle no one was killed.

Bruce Wayne: Didn't have time to observe the rules of the road, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: [walking through the Batcave] In the Civil War, your great-great grandfather was involved in the Underground Railroad, secretly transporting freed slaves to the North. And I suspect these caverns came in handy.

[one of Ra's' henchmen watches Wayne Manor burn, to make sure no one comes out; Alfred sneaks up and knocks him out with a golf club]

Alfred Pennyworth: I hope you're not a member of the fire brigade.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Wayne, you've been gone a long time.

Bruce Wayne: Yes I have.

Alfred Pennyworth: You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] Batman may have made the front page, but Bruce Wayne got pushed to page eight.

[Bruce reads the headline: "Drunken Billionaire Burns Down Home."]

Alfred Pennyworth: [walking through the Batcave] In the Civil War, your great-great grandfather was involved in the underground railroad, secretly transporting free slaves to the North. And I suspect these caverns came in handy.

[greets Bruce from the entryway of a private jet, seeing him for the first time after he left Gotham City seven years before to travel the world anonymously and train himself to fight criminals]

Alfred Pennyworth: You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.

Alfred Pennyworth: I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.

Alfred Pennyworth: Miss Vale called again. Dare I suggest that your present course of action might simply strengthen her resolve. She is quite tenacious.

Bruce Wayne: You're right about that.

Alfred Pennyworth: And if I may say so, quite special. Perhaps you could try telling her the truth.

[Last lines]

Alfred Pennyworth: I thought champagne would be in order, ma'am.

Vicki Vale: Hi, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.

Vicki Vale: I'm not a bit surprised.

[last lines]

Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, I regret to inform you that master Wayne is going to be a little late tonight.

Vicki Vale: [grinning] I'm not at all surprised.

[first lines]

Alfred Pennyworth: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

Batman: I'll get drive-thru.

Bruce Wayne: "We're 5 little items of an everyday sort. You'll find us all in a tennis court". In... A-E-I-O-U. Vowels.

Alfred Pennyworth: Not entirely unclever, sir, but what do a clock, a match, chess pawns, and vowels have in common? What do these riddles mean?

Bruce Wayne: Every riddle has a number in the question and they arrived at this order: 13, 1, 8, and 5.

Alfred Pennyworth: 13, 1, 8, and 5. What do they mean?

Bruce Wayne: Perhaps letters of the alphabet?

Alfred Pennyworth: Of course, 13 is M.

Bruce Wayne: 1 would be A, 8 would be H, and 5 would be E.

Alfred Pennyworth: M-A-H-E.

Bruce Wayne: Perhaps 1 and 8 are 18.

Alfred Pennyworth: 18 is R. M-R-E.

Bruce Wayne: How about Mr. E.?

Alfred Pennyworth: Mystery.

Bruce Wayne: And another name for mystery?

Alfred Pennyworth: Enigma.

Bruce Wayne: Mr. E. Nygma. Edward Nygma. Stickley's suicide was obviously a computer-generated forgery.

Alfred Pennyworth: You really are quite bright, despite what people say.

Alfred Pennyworth: Broken wings mend in time. One day Robin will fly again. I promise.

[Dick tries to open a door in Wayne Manor, but it won't budge]

Alfred Pennyworth: May I help you, Master Grayson?

Dick Grayson: How come this is the only locked door in this museum? What've you got back here?

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Wayne's dead wives.

[Dick gives him a look]

Alfred Pennyworth: The silver closet. On your way.

Alfred Pennyworth: Is the young master leaving? Pity. I'll just toss this away, then. Perhaps the dogs are hungry.

Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce is with Chase when he contacts him] I'm sorry to bother you, sir. But I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick.

Bruce Wayne: What, is he all right?

Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid Master Dick has... gone traveling.

Bruce Wayne: He ran away?

Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, he took the car.

Bruce Wayne: He boosted the Jag?

Alfred Pennyworth: Not the Jaguar. The other car.

Bruce Wayne: The Bentley?

Alfred Pennyworth: No, sir. The other car.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce. Master Bruce. How are you, young man?

Bruce Wayne: You haven't called me that for a long time.

Alfred Pennyworth: Old habits die hard. Are you all right?

Bruce Wayne: Where's Chase?

Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid they've taken Dr. Meridian. Master Dick has run away. The cave has been destroyed. And there's another riddle.

Alfred Pennyworth: Young men with a mind for revenge need little encouragement. They need guidance. You, above all, should know the consequences of the life you choose.

Alfred Pennyworth: The eight of us go forth, not back. To protect our king from the foe's attack.

[Alfred sees Batman in costume for the first time]

Alfred Pennyworth: My... God!

Batman: You think you know everything about me, don't you?

Alfred Pennyworth: I diapered your bottom; I bloody well ought to, *sir*!

Alfred Pennyworth: There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.

[Bruce's crime-fighting training is derailed by his infatuation with Andrea]

Bruce Wayne: What am I doing, Alfred? This isn't part of the Plan! I must be going nuts!

Alfred Pennyworth: If I may be so bold, sir, I'd say quite the opposite.

Alfred Pennyworth: Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe the upstairs doorknobs need polishing.

Alfred Pennyworth: How many did I kill?

Bruce Wayne: Seven.

Alfred Pennyworth: But there were only four of the ruffians.

Richard Grayson: You killed three of them twice.

Alfred Pennyworth: Where are the bodies?

Bruce Wayne: We threw them out the window.

Alfred Pennyworth: [on the phone] Get me Scotland Yard... I mean get me the police... get me anybody, I'm being murdered!

Bruce Wayne: How long until the rest of the Type 1 Batsuit is repaired?

Alfred Pennyworth: Not long sir. In the meantime, the Type 2 suit is ready.

Bruce Wayne: Okay. Thank you, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: Indeed, sir. The first one got wrecked when you went head-to-head with Poison Ivy.

Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, would you like some water?

Bruce Wayne: How about some coffee? Or tea?

Alfred Pennyworth: Which do you prefer?

Bruce Wayne: It doesn't matter. Surprise me.