Alfie Quotes in Alfie (2004)

[last lines]

Alfie: What have I got? Really? Some money in my pocket. Some nice threads, fancy car at my disposal, and I'm single. Yeah... unattached, free as a bird... I don't depend on nobody. Nobody depends on me. My life's my own. But I don't have peace of mind. And if you don't have that, you've got nothing. So... So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself. What's it all about? You know what I mean?

[from trailer]

Alfie: Whenever you meet a beautiful woman, just remember somewhere there's a man who's sick of shagging her.

Alfie: In every doomed relationship, there comes what I like to call "The uh-oh moment". When a certain little something happens, and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end. And suddenly you stop and you think, "Uh-oh, iceberg ahead".

Alfie: It seems to me the problems you worry yourself sick about never seem to materialize. It's the ones that catch you unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon that knock you sideways.

Alfie: I felt I needed a friend to talk to. But as it was, they were suddenly in short supply.

Alfie: Strange. But even when you know it has to end, when it finally does, you always get that inevitable twinge: Have i done the right thing?

Alfie: If you ooze masculinity, like some of us do, you have no reason to fear pink.

Alfie: Personally, I've always suspected that everyone else is having a far merrier Christmas than I am.

Alfie: [to the viewer] Of all the women I've known,the one I let my guard down with delivers the knockout punch

Alfie: I never... I never meant...

Marlon: ...You never mean to hurt anybody.

Marlon: But you do, Alfie.

Alfie: [to the viewer] Couples should never split up between Thanksgiving and January 2nd. Always have a relationship to see you through the holidays. Always.

Alfie: Hang in mate. Come on, you can win her back. Woo her. Send flowers. Chocolates, right? Write a poem.

Wing: Dat what you do?

Alfie: Well, actually no, I've never done that. But it... maybe a way to go...

Wing: What rhyme with Blossom.

Alfie: I would try... awesome?

Joe: You did the only thing you could do. You behaved like a gentlemen.

Alfie: I've never been accused of that before.

Joe: Don't get all choked up. You also behaved like a scheming, back-stabbing, so low could look up a snake's asshole, son of a bitch. Next time think before you unzip.

Alfie: Alright, you screwed up. So what are you gonna do, hmm? Run to the bridge? The question is, what's gonna happen with the rest of your life.

Alfie: Anyone in the mood for a little Alfie, straight-up?

Alfie: [to the viewer] I told you how we men are. We want showstoppers. And the problem is, Julie hasn't got enough of the superficial things that really matter.

Alfie: In a flash I have my new year's resolution - aim higher.

Alfie: [to Marlon, about Lonette] You were at her front door, 3 a.m. in the morning, begging and vomiting? And what, she wasn't charmed by that?

Flower Shop Proprietor: Tell me what she - or he - is like, and we'll find the appropriate bloom.

Alfie: Well - she - is... You know what, she's adventurous.

Flower Shop Proprietor: Ah.

[grabbing first bloom]

Flower Shop Proprietor: Frivolite!

Alfie: And, very sexy.

Flower Shop Proprietor: I'm thinking, Dolce Vita!

Alfie: A little mischievous. Cheeky?

Flower Shop Proprietor: Avalanche. With a touch of Mi Amore.

Alfie: And then under it all, she's, she's just. She's just kind of... sweet.

Alfie: I think this just might be my favorite position. I know it was President Kennedy's. He was such a great leader. Of course JFK used the old bad back excuse, but if you ask me, he knew that it gives you the maximum pleasure with minimum exertion.

[from trailer]

Alfie: I'd like a little privacy please.

Alfie: [to the viewer] I, myself, subscribe more to the European philosophy of life, my priorities leaning towards wine, women... well, actually, that's about it.

Julie: Where were you last night?

Alfie: I thought we agreed we weren't asking each other those questions.

Alfie: I find that, lately, even lying to myself comes easily.

[first lines]

Alfie: You're lucky you know. I rarely allow anyone into my flat.

Alfie: And so, it came to pass, that after all those years, little Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas.

[final words of the film]

Alfie: You know what? When I look back on my little life and the birds I've known, and think of all the things they've done for me and the little I've done for them, you'd think I've had the best of it along the line. But what have I got out of it? I've got a bob or two, some decent clothes, a car, I've got me health back and I ain't attached. But I ain't got me peace of mind - and if you ain't got that, you ain't got nothing. I dunno. It seems to me if they ain't got you one way they've got you another. So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself - what's it all about? Know what I mean?

Alfie: What I loved once and what I love now are two different things.

Alfie: My understanding of women only goes as far as the pleasure. When it comes to the pain I'm like any other bloke - I don't want to know.

Alfie: I've never told her that I love her - except at those times when you've *got* to say something for appearance's sake.

Alfie: Make a married woman laugh and you're halfway there.

[talking about Gilda's appearance while she is pregnant]

Alfie: Mind you, she came over quite beautified for a while, particularly during the early months. And I told her: I said "Blimey, girl, you ain't as ugly as I thought".

Alfie: She's got a little ginger moustache. But I find I'm quite willing to overlook the odd blemish in a woman, providing she's got something to make up for it. Well, that's what we're all here for, innit - to help each other out in this life.

[speaking to camera as he is kissing Lily Clamacraft]

Alfie: Well, what harm can it do? Old Harry will never know. And even if he did, he shouldn't begrudge me - or her, come to that. And it'll round off the tea nicely.

Alfie: [hugging Ruby] She's in beautiful condition.

Alfie: I don't want no bird's respect - I wouldn't know what to do with it.

Alfie: If you lose a bird you can always replace her. But with a child it's different.

Alfie: I've told you before to be careful where you put your legs.

Alfie: You're not entitled to secret thoughts!

Annie: Everyone's entitled to secret thoughts!

Alfie: It'll probably all be over by the time I'm old enough.

Mr. Schultz: From your mouth to Heaven's ear...

Alfie: You're new, huh? Where ya from?

Willy: From?

Alfie: From...

Willy: Russia.

Alfie: Russia?

Willy: Maine.

Alfie: Maine? Maine or Russia?

Willy: I mean it's in Maine... Russia, Maine. It's a kind of a small place in the south-west-north-eastern part of the state, way back there.

Geek 1: [In total darkness] The lights went out!

Geek 2: Oh, God. We're gonna die for sure!

Alfie: [In the distance] You guys! Shut up for a minute!

Geek 2: We're gonna die for sure!

Alfie: SHUT UP!

Geek 1: Okay!

Alfie: One of you just needs to go outside and start up the generator!

Geek 2: Fuck you, you do it!

Police Sgt. Hawkins: I don't know how you can be my son and still be such a fool.

Alfie: Well I am, ain't I Dad?

[Tanya and Artyom have come to the arcade to get a phone card]

Tanya: Hello... uhh... they told me you sell phone card.

Alfie: You want a phone card?

Tanya: Yeah.

Alfie: [Shuffles and spreads them like a deck of playing cards] Pick a card. Pick a card, any card. That's a 10'er. Do you know how to use it? Want me to show you?

Tanya: Yes.

Alfie: Scratch that number off, yeah?

Tanya: Yes.

Alfie: Dial in that number there, yeah?

Tanya: Yes.

Alfie: You wait for the beep. Beeeeep.

Tanya: Yes.

Alfie: Yeah. Then you dial that number, there, yeah?

Tanya: Yes.

Alfie: And you should be connected. You understand?

Tanya: No.

[Tanya asks Alfie for help escaping Stonehaven]

Tanya: I have to go to London. What do I do?

Alfie: Are you a refugee?

Tanya: A refugee by accident... Why are you laughing?

[Alfie and Artyom are in the arcade]

Alfie: What are you tryin' to do to my machine? What ya doin'? Come, 'ere. You've broken it. Try it now... Where's your dad?

Artyom: My dad's dead.

Alfie: My dad's dead, as well.

Artyom: Yours is dead, too?

Alfie: How did he die?

Artyom: He's dead.

Alfie: Well, what's the crap with this Mark fellow?

Artyom: He's my mother's fiance.

Alfie: Do you like him?

Artyom: No. My mom come to England for him, and he doesn't come to airport.

Alfie: Does your mom love him?

Artyom: I think she loves men who make her cry.

[Alfie, Tanya, and Artyom are at her flat in the afternoon. Alfie has brought them a television and some Indian fast food]

Alfie: Are you alright? Doin' alright? I brought you some company and some food. Are you hungry? Have you ever had a curry? Curry. Beautiful.

[To Artyom]

Alfie: Have you ever had a curry?

Artyom: Yeah.

Alfie: You little liar. Come here.

[To Tanya]

Alfie: That's chicken tikka masala. That's chicken in a light, spicy sauce. It's beautiful, man, I promise you.

[To Artyom]

Alfie: Come here. We'll sort it all out. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[To Tanya]

Alfie: Vindalu. Evil. It's a beast of a curry, yea, it's a real wicked bitch. Pila rice, sweet rice, yellow rice. Rice is rice, and forever more shall be so. Potatoes with cabbage. Bombay sag potatoes. Have you ever had 'em? Beautiful. I promise you. If you throw-up, it's all on my head. Nan bread to soak it up. Yeah, d'you fancy it?

Tanya: We have no spoons.

[Alfie draws spoons from his pockets, like a gun fighter quick-drawing two six-shooters]

[Tanya, Artyom, and Alfie are on the couch in her flat in the evening, watching a nature show about dolphins on television]

Television narrator: Sonar may also be used for sexual stimulation. Here, one juvenile female buzzes another's genital area, perhaps to gain information about her sexual state and health.

Artyom: Mam, smotri chto oni delayut? (Mom, look, what are they doing?)

Television narrator: Copulation is performed belly to belly, with the male beneath the female. And, is brief...

Tanya: Poydem spat'. (Let's go to sleep.)

Artyom: Podozhdi. (Wait.)

Television narrator: Gentle touching of genital areas is also an important means...

Tanya: [To Alfie] It's a bedtime.

[To Artyom]

Tanya: Poydem. (Let's go.)

Artyom: Podozhdi, mam. (Wait, mom.)

Tanya: Vstavay, ya tebe govoryu! (Get up, I told you!)

Artyom: No, mama, podozhdi. (But, mom, wait.)

Tanya: Poydem. Ya s toboy ne budu... Seychas! (Let's go. I'm not putting up with this from you... Now!)

Alfie: Night, boy.

Artyom: No, mam... (But, mom... )

[Artyom leaves the room]

Tanya: [To Alfie] I'm going to sleep. Thank you for everything.

Alfie: It's alright, man.

Tanya: Ok.

[Tanya leaves the room]

Alfie: [To an empty and darkened room] I'll let myself out.

[Tanya and Alfie are talking late at night in the empty bingo hall. Tanya has been drinking, and starts to cry]

Alfie: What's the matter. Ah, no, no. Hey, don't get upset.

Tanya: Sorry.

Alfie: No, it's alright, man, it's alright. Ok. Why are you so upset?

Tanya: Because I'm crazy.

Alfie: No, you're not crazy.

Tanya: Yes.

Alfie: Why?

Tanya: Yes. I'm so stupid. I don't know... This city, it's like... it's like punishment for me, it's like punishment for some mistakes in my life. You know, yes, yes, really. I make so many mistakes.

Alfie: I've made mistakes. We're human beings. We all fuck up. We all make mistakes. It ain't just you. What are you doing that's so bad?

Tanya: Just... my main... I always... need... need to be in love. You know, I can't to... to live, without lo... love.

Alfie: There's nothing wrong with that.

Tanya: Yes.

Alfie: No, there is not.

Tanya: Yes. Because, two my... two my husbands, and two divorces. It's very bad for me, for my child. And, now, we're here, and I think maybe its... maybe it's my... main mistake.

Alfie: I never did trust 'em. Once a Jerry, always a Jerry.

Dolan: Once a thief, always a thief, That right Alfie?

Dolan: You know the orders. No fraternizing.

Alfie: Who's fraternizing? I only asked if he's got bullets in that chopper. I don't want him to take his play-acting too much to heart.