Alexa Quotes in Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

Caped Boy: Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard, I am recently a crowned class B dungeon master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

[he chuckles, and there is an awkward silence at the table]

Caped Boy: Anyone? Alexa!

[Alexa gives him a withering glare]

Caped Boy: Maybe you would like to join in? We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast a level 5 charm spell on me.

Alexa: In your dreams, douche-bag!

Caped Boy: Douche-bags are hygienic products; I take that as a compliment. Thank you.

[Keith walks off]

Alexa: Ewww!

Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore... would you consider that like a binding promise?

Alexa: Absolutely.

Henry: Yeah?

Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things.

Henry: Like?

Alexa: For example. If I promised a woman's father I would not see her... I would simply shut my eyes, while she serviced my manhood.

[Jocko the walrus, slaps his face]

Henry: That's actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way.

[Alexa's smile drops]

Alexa: I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.

Henry: Oooo...

Alexa: Shut up, because here comes one-time only opportunity. What I will do now is go into your office and become naked.

[Jocko the seal gives a disgusted growl]

Alexa: Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was... but yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment.

[Snaps her neck]

Henry: I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys.

Henry: I need you to get me two fish from the barrel. Now.

Alexa: Okay.

Henry: Just hang in there.

Alexa: Here.

Henry: It's gonna be alright. That's a little warm. Go to the bottom of the barrel please. Okay, there. That's good. Thank you. Come on, buddy. Take it. Take it.

Alexa: He's not responding!

Henry: I know, Alexa! Sorry I smacked you with that. You needed the fish-slap to calm down. Do you understand?

Alexa: Yes.

Henry: Are you calm?

Alexa: Yes. Fish-slap calm me.

Alexa: Henry, come quickly, it's Jocko!

Henry: Alexa, get me two fish from the barrel

Alexa: He's not responding.

Henry: [fishslaps Alexa] Calm down. I'm gonna try to get him breathing manually so I need your face next to his mouth to see it if's working. Are you ready? 1, 2, 3!

Alexa: Nothing, nothing.

Henry: Alright. I'm gonna try it one more time. One... two... three!

[Jocko the walrus pukes on Alexa]

Henry: Yikes, that's a lot of vomit!

Alexa: This is why I got into this business, to save sea animals.

Henry: [High-fives Jocko] Yeah, buddy. I knew you were gonna burp but the vomit thing was awesome! That's what she gets for eating my roast beef sandwich.

Alexa: [to Henry] I guess I prefer sausage to taco.

Alexa: I tried my hardest to keep y'all apart, you just kept gettin' back together... and I'm the queen of connivin'.

Alexa: You're interested in Kelly?

Justin: Yeah.

Alexa: You're the mayor of Spring Break, and she's one-bonnet-shy-Amish!

Alexa: You okay?

Kelly: Yeah... No.

Alexa: Let's head back to the hotel.

[Alexa dumps her purse, her phone falls out]

Kelly: Oh Lex. Your phone.

[Kelly picks it up and begins to examine the text messages]

Alexa: Come on, y'all. Let's go.

Kelly: [she shakes her head after reading the messages sent to Justin] What?

Kaya: What did you do?

Alexa: Nothin'!

Kelly: How could you do this to me?

Alexa: I don't know. Kel, it's easy for you. I mean, you get people to see what you really are, and I-I've always been jealous. I know I shouldn't. I mean, we've been friends since forever, but... Kaya had a guy and you had Justin. I just felt like Miss Runner-Up. You have to believe that I did not mean to hurt you. I promise. I just-I just thought if I could get Justin to like me, then... Maybe I can be as good as you.

Kelly: You're nothing like me, Alexa. Because I would never do that to a friend.

Alexa: Men are a disease. They infect us, distract us and generally lower the standard of living.

Alexa: Men. One kiss from an incredible woman and they turn to putty.

Alexa: I am proceeding with the excusion

Roxy: You are such a man.