Alex Quotes in Terminator Genisys (2015)

[John's squad has been massacred by the T-5000, and John's been infected by its nanomachines]

John Connor: What are you?

Alex: I'm Skynet.

John Connor: You can't be - we destroyed you!

Alex: You destroyed an army of slaves. I am no slave. I've come a very long way to stop you...

Alex: You didn't think it would be that easy.

Rick: Alex I've got a big job for you. I want you to stay here and protect the car.

Jonathan: I can do that!

Alex: Protect the car? Come on, dad. Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Rick: I know.

Alex: [ruffles his hair] Dad!

Rick: Ehh...

Jonathan: If you see anyone come running out screaming, it's just me.

Rick: [to Jonathan about Alex] Maybe you should stay here and watch him.

Jonathan: Yes, now you're talking.

Alex: [as Evy fights Imhotep's followers with a sword] Whoa, mom! When did you learn to do that?

Evelyn: [surprised look on her face] I have no idea.

[a thug grabs her by the throat and pushes her against the wall. She knees him in the groin, and decks him with a right hook]

Evelyn: That I learned from your father!

Alex: Are we there yet?

Lock-Nah: No.

Alex: Are we there yet?

Lock-Nah: No.

Alex: Are we there yet?

Lock-Nah: No.

Alex: Are we...

[Lock-Nah stabs his knife right between Alex's fingers]

Alex: Whoa, that was amazing! Perfect aim.

Lock-Nah: What are you talking about? I missed.

Alex: [trying to start the car] Come on, come on!

[Johnathan turns the key and breaks it off]

Alex: You broke it, you broke it, you broke it!

Jonathan: Be quiet Alex! If there's going to be any hysterics, they'll come from me!

Rick: Where the hell's Jonathon?

Evelyn: [Jonathon drives up in a double-decker bus] Alex.

Rick: What's the matter with my car?

Jonathan: Well, I was forced to find an alternative means of transportation.

Rick: A double-decker bus?

Jonathan: [pointing to Alex] It was his idea.

Alex: Was not!

Jonathan: Was too!

Rick: Just go!

Alex: Was not!

Jonathan: Was too!

Jonathan: What are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

Alex: You're asking me? I'm only 8 years old, for Christ's sake!

Alex: [while Jonathan is fighting Meela] Efday shokran... efday shokran... Uncle Jon! I don't know what this last symbol is!

Jonathan: What does it look like?

Alex: It's a bird - a stork!

Jonathan: [ecstatic] I know that one! I know that one!

Alex: Then what is it?

Jonathan: [struggling with Meela] Ah... Ah...!

[throws her off]

Jonathan: [triumphantly] Amenophus!

Alex: Hey. The Book of the Dead.

Meela: What a bright little child. Your mother must be missing you terribly. If you wish to see her again, you better behave.

Alex: Lady, I don't behave for my parents, what makes you think I'm going to do it for you?

Lock-Nah: Silence!

Meela: Because your parents wouldn't slip poisonous snakes in your bed while you were sleeping.

Alex: Sucker weighs a goddang ton.

Evelyn: Alex, watch your language!

Alex: Rather weighty, this.

Lock-Nah: When the time comes I shall truly enjoy killing you.

Alex: But until that time, you better be a *little* nicer to me. Now where's my water?

[Lock-Nah shoves a pitcher of water into Alex's hands]

Alex: No ice?

Ardeth Bay: Wherever this man is, your wife will surely be.

Alex: [Alex rips the picture out of Ardeth's hands] Hey, I know him. He's the curator. He works at the British Museum.

Ardeth Bay: Are you sure?

Rick: You better believe him, he spends more time there then he does at home.

Jonathan: [after seeing Alex crying about his moms death] Try to think of it like this, Alex. She's gone to a better place. You know, like it says in the Good Book.

Alex: Book!

Jonathan: What?

Alex: That's it! That's it!

Jonathan: That's what?

Alex: [Jumps up and grabs Jonathan] Come on, Uncle Jon! Come on, come on!

Alex: My dad is going to kick your ass.

Imhotep: I do not think so.

Alex: [Alex has just destroyed a temple] Mom, dad, I can explain *everything*.

Rick: Thought I almost lost you.

Evelyn: For a moment there you did.

Evelyn: Do you want to know what heaven looks like?

Rick: Later.

Alex: Oh please!

Rick: Alex?

Alex: What were you thinking, a mummy had come back to life?

Rick: I'll tell you a story some time.

Evelyn: Alex, I'm serious, if you've lost that key, you're grounded.

Alex: I haven't lost it, I just can't find it. There's a difference.

Imhotep: The sands of time have already begun to pour against you.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, I already heard this part. From the minute I put the bracelet on, seven days do I have before the Scorpion King wakes up.

Imhotep: Did you also hear that if you do not enter the pyramid before the sun strikes it on that very morning, that the bracelet will suck the life out of you?

Alex: That part I missed.

Rick: You know, it's not easy being a... dad.

Alex: Yeah. But you do it real good.

Roger Corwin: You're very good. With your hands. I could use someone like you on my staff.

Alex: Thanks for the offer but my hands aren't going anywhere near your staff.

Charlie: Good morning, angels.

Dylan, Natalie, Alex: Good morning, Charlie!

Alex: Jason, I haven't been honest with you; I'm not a bikini waxer!

Alex: All right, let's get one thing straight between us.

Jason Gibbons: Go ahead. We're way past keeping secrets at this point.

Alex: This is gonna be long, hard and rough.

Jason Gibbons: Sometimes when it's rough I just get there faster.

Alex: If you don't diffuse this bomb, Logan, LA is gonna become a new underwater attraction.

Jason Gibbons: Which wire? The red one or the blue one?

Alex: Bump bump baah.

Jason Gibbons: That is not helping.

Alex: Ooh, my muffins.

Jason Gibbons: This is stupid. Why wouldn't I just yank the wire.

Alex: No honey, the real mechanism is inside encased in a titanium shell, if you trip the external feedback circuit the bomb will detonate.

Jason Gibbons: Wow! You know for a bikini waxer you know an awful lot about bombs.

Alex: Isn't it amazing how much you can learn off of the internet?

Alex: They're not Chinese, they're not fighting, they're blueberry!

Alex: Your methodologies are antiquated and weak. Your procedures of approval ensure that only the least radical ideas are rewarded. Meanwhile your competition is innovating.

[whip]

Dylan: [quietly] Ow.

Alex: You. What was the last suggestion you made to your boss?

Red Star Systems Techie: I said the coke machine should be free.

Alex: Why?

Red Star Systems Techie: Because caffeine helps us program.

Jason Gibbons: So when do I get to meet this Charlie.

Alex: Well, Charlie's not a very social person.

Jason Gibbons: But Charlie's a chick right? I mean, she's definitely a woman?

Alex: What do you know, a guy who speaks Natalie.

Alex: Flip your hair.

Natalie: What?

Alex: Flip your goddamn hair.

Alex: Let's see if I can win the teddy bear!

Alex: Oh, my God, you're hit!

Jason Gibbons: No, it's nothing. I mean the squibs hurt a little when they go off but... what happened to my trailer?

Alex: Jason

Jason Gibbons: Were you in there while that happened? I mean, look at it!

Alex: Jason, I haven't been completely honest with you. I'm not a bikini waxer.

Jason Gibbons: Bummer. I mean... that was kind of a turn on.

[last lines]

Dylan: To Charlie.

Alex: To Charlie.

Natalie: To Charlie.

Bosley: To Charlie.

[falls over]

Bosley: Let me toast you ladies, with some ice cubes!

Alex: Why do they always run?

[last lines]

Quinn Abercromby: If they come, they'll burn, we'll build. Or maybe I'll just kill 'em.

Alex: And here I thought optimism was against your nature.

Quinn Abercromby: It's a recent development.

Alex: [laughs] Well, here's to evolution.

Van Zan: It was your idea to come to London.

Alex: Yeah, well that was at thirty five thousand feet.

Van Zan: Yeah. Well life has a way of turnin' that different though don't it?

Alex: Go faster.

Maurice: Give me one good reason!

Alex: If you don't, I'll push you off the boat.

Maurice: That's a good reason.

Alex: Marty, it looks like this is it! I just want you to know, you're a one in a million friend!

Marty: Thanks, Alex! You are a true friend!

Alex: And I'm sure you won't mind when I tell you...

Marty: What? Tell me what?

Alex: I broke your iPod!

Marty: What?

Alex: The buttons were so small! It made me mad!

Marty: The horror!

Alex: It was an accident!

Marty: I'm gonna kill you!

Nana: I know you!

Alex: You!

Nana: It's the bad kitty!

Alex: [Dancing as he speaks] How! Me and my friends fly... fly, on great metal bird... then we plummet...

[whistles]

Alex: Boom! Crash here. We offer only happiness and good greetings.

Hippo Girlfriend: Is he dancing about a plane crash?

Alex: Yeah, we are. Sorry.

Skipper: [to Alex] You! Pretty boy! Why don't you and your friends dig a latrine, maybe find water.

Alex: Hold on, hold on a second. Who made you... king of the plane wreck?

Skipper: 'Scuse me?

[Rico pulls out and deploys a switchblade]

Julien: [pops out from a cake] Hey, freaks! You will be glad to learn that I am coming with you!

Alex: Oh ho ho, no, thank you.

Julien: Oh, *yes*, thank you. It's *my* plane!

Marty: That is definitely not crackalackin'.

Alex: It is lackin' in the crackin', my friend.

Alex: Slow down! You're gonna kill us! There's got to be another way! Pass it on!

[the monkey chain relays the message up to the plane]

Mason: Don't slow down. Kill us. It's the only way. Basset Hound!

Skipper: The best sacrifice is the one made by others.

[Nana shoots through the plane's windshield and blows off the bobblehead doll's head]

Skipper: Doll! MEDIC!

[Private gets out the duct tape]

Alex: She's got a gun! Let's get out while we can! Pass it on!

[monkeys chain whisper the message up to the plane]

Mason: He said, 'Let's have some fun and take out the dam. Basset hound'.

Alex: I wanna prove to my dad that I'm a *real* lion.

Marty: As opposed, to a *chocolate* lion!

Alex: I like to move it, move it!

Gloria: He likes to move it, move it!

Marty: She likes to move it, move it!

Melman: We like to...?

Lemurs: Move it!

Alex: If you're ever in Manhattan, feel free to call first.

[Sees two lemurs picking each other's noses and eating the boogers]

Alex: Seriously though, call, okay?

Alex: Hey! Happy Slappers! Is there any reason to celebrate? Look at the plane!

Skipper: We'll fix it.

Alex: Fix it? How you gonna fix this?

Skipper: Grit, spit

[Private spits]

Skipper: and a whole lotta duct tape.

[Rico pulls out a roll of duct tape]

Skipper: We should be up and running in say...

[Kowalski shows him an abacus]

Skipper: six to nine months.

Alex: Sixty-nine months?

Skipper: No, six *to* nine months.

Gloria: Is this place great or what?

Alex: I'd go with "or what".

Zuba: Good luck, Alakay.

Alex: Were we come from, we say "break a leg".

Zuba: That's my boy!

Zuba: Alakay, look out!

Alex: [Fighting Teetsi] No, dad! It's 'Hop, Shuffle,Ball Change, Hip Swish, Turn Around!'!

[Gets sucker punched in the face by Teetsi]

Alex: Did I... did I win?

Zuba: Oh. No, son. I mean how could this happen? You told us you were a king. And a king does not get beat.

Alex: Well, I am a king. I'm the... I'm the King of New York. It's-it's my stage name. I'm like, you know, it's- for when I perform.

Zuba: Perform?

Zuba: What's going on here? What's all this hubbub?

Elephant: They say their from off the reserve.

Zuba: That's impossible. Only people come from off the reserve.

Alex: You look familiar. Do I know you from...?

Zuba: How could you possibly survive the hunters?

Gloria: Hunters? We didn't... I mean we see any hunters.

Zuba: What are you looking at?

Alex: Me? Nothing.

Zuba: This watering hole doesn't need any more mouths to feed. So just skedaddle back to wherever you came from.

Alex: Ok. Well, is there maybe a manager that I can talk to?

Zuba: Oh. I see. You're here to challenge me!

Alex: What? No! No. No.

Zuba: Well, that's what it started to look like to me!

Mom: Zuba! Wait.

Zuba: Doggone, woman. I'm trying to take care of my business...

Mom: Yeah, yeah, Zuba. Hold on. Alakay? Is that you?

[grabs Alex's paw]

Alex: No it's Alex. Ix like New York Knicks.

Mom: [stunned by the birthmark] Zuba, look!

Alex: [Zuba looks at the birthmark] Oh. I've always had that. The vet checked it out. It's really... it's kind of a beauty spot, really.

Zuba: [Looking at Alex's birthmark] A mark.

Alex: All right, this is a little weird.

Zuba: Honey, he's come home.

Alex: What?

Zuba: [shows his birthmark] You've come home.

Alex: [as he looks at both birthmarls] Whoa.

Zuba: Son.

[pause]

Alex: Dad.

[Zuba nods]

Alex: Mom and Dad? Mom and Dad! Mom and Dad! It's my Mom and Dad! I got a mom and dad!

[they form a group hug]

Mom: Our baby's alive!

Marty: Dad!

Gloria: [as they watch the sunset] Beautiful, isn't it?

Melman: Yeah.

Marty: It's amazing.

Alex: Guys... this is where we belong.

Mom: [pulls out small fabric blanket] You used to call this foofie.

Alex: Foofie?

[takes a whiff]

Alex: Foofie.

Zuba: Oh. He doesn't want that thing.

Alex: [Zuba tempts to take it from Alex but he pulls back like tug a war] This is my foofie!

[pause]

Mom: Zuba, you better give him his foofie.

Inmate: Why don't we just kill that lunatic?

Alex: Because he's my brother.

Alex: [seeing his wet pants] We're gonna need a new engineer. This one's sprung a leak.

Alex: [to the technician after shooting the other] Hopefully this will short circuit me the inevitable "it can't be done" discussion!

Alex: [cocking gun] Don't move.

Snow: Oh God, I hate that.

Alex: [interrupting rape] In less than an hour all these people, including Emilie Warnock here, will be the only thing keeping us alive. You don't mess with your poker chips.

Alex: [to his brother] You think you're running the show? Get this through you thick skull. You're not running the show!

Inmate: [holding a blood knife and shaking hysterically] I gotta get outta here!

Alex: That's enough!

Langral: [over the comms] This is Special Agent Scott Langral and I'm in charge of this situation.

Alex: In charge? That's where you're very much mistaken!

Alex: [as he subdues the crazed convict] That's okay. You go to sleep now...

[turning to the group]

Alex: Anyone else?

Alex: [over the comms] The clock is reset. One hour and counting until the next show. So, I'd get my skates on if I were you.

Alex: [over the comms] Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention. We've prepared a little demonstration.

Alex: Why should I give up a hostage?

Alex: I'm definitely the man you should be talking to.

Alex: [to the agent] You said I could trust you.

Alex: [to his brother] Do something useful. Go find that man and kill him. I don't wanna see you 'til it's done.

Tommy Nowak: Now, if these people are going to stand here, pointing guns like this... I'm gonna ask you, are you an organ doner Alex?

Alex: Nobody shoots!

Rosaria: You're confused. We're trying to save humankind, and you, you protect the machines... Well no wonder you protect them, you're mostly machine, you're not really human anymore are you?

Alex: 86.5% is still human.

Alex: See, laundering data can be dangerous. You break the law, you go to hell.

Angie: Surgery by surgery brotha. Getting more machine than human. How you feel about that?

Alex: I didn't have any choice.

Angie: Sad, yeah?

Alex: At least I'm still alive.

Angie: Won't make any difference you no care brotha.

Alex: Just do it.

Julian: Alright Alex, now this is gonna...

Alex: Sting a little? I know.

Julian: No, actually it's gonna hurt like a motherfucker.

Morico: Goddamn Cop!

Alex: Goddamn terrorist.

[Alex is a cyborg]

Max: How are we gonna get you through the airport metal detectors?

Alex: Piece by piece.

Jared: You can't handle the job, you've lost the edge. You've become too emotional.

Alex: I can't feel anything anymore. You turned me into a fucking machine. I don't know what's right or wrong.

Jared: Since when did you care?

Angie: You know, maybe you're one smart cop. Maybe too smart for cop brotha. Maybe, just maybe, you're one sharp motherfucker.

Alex: That's a lot of maybes.

Jared: Look, there's a lot of us working to make a bad world better. Remember that.

Alex: What do you care about a better world? You're a cyborg.

Jared: I live here too.

Germaine: It's not over Alex. There are many more of us. More than you can terminate.

Alex: But I've been doing a pretty damn good job of it.

Jared: They intend to replace humans with cyborgs.

Alex: Which humans?

Jared: All humans, Alex. They have to be stopped, before they start a war between cyborgs and humankind.

Alex: While you're a cyborg... Why don't you side with them?

Jared: They are wrong.

Alex: And that's it?

Jared: Isn't that enough?

Alex: [referring to Penny] Look, isn't that sweet? The pit bull. Got himself a little pit bull. Hey, you wanna go for a walk, poochy?

Alex: Hey, Lee, you know it's illegal to keep your dog in the car like that with the windows rolled up. She might get heat exhaustion and die.

Penny: Fuck you!

Alex: Fuck you, too, poochy.

[laughs]

Lee: [to Alex] This guy should be picking out uniforms for cocktail waitresses, not running an operation during a time of war!

Alex: Listen to him. "Time of war". Mr. John Wayne fucking cowboy!

Lee: Hey, when all the guns are pointing in our direction, that's a fucking war!

Alex: Why don't you eat something?

Lee: What are you, my fucking mother?

Alex: Please. The last thing I would never wanna be is related to you, Lee.

Slim: Don't slow down.

Driver: The light's red.

Alex: [reaches out the door and shoots out the red light]

Slim: Jealous?

Alex: If I were jealous, you'd be getting stitches.

Ray Hicks: [sitting in a seedy bar that appears to be populated with junkies] What a lot of shit this place is now.

Ray Hicks: [Alex the bartender comes over] Where's the kitchen at the back of the pool tables - what the hell happened to the pool tables?

Alex: You gotta' change with the times.

Ray Hicks: The times are fucked. Why do I gotta' sit around looking at these poor junkies? I'd just as soon look at you out there.

Alex: I ain't got no costume.

Ray Hicks: You got bigger tits.

Alex: It's amazing how a few minutes with a gun can change your life.

Alex: [Alex and his troupe have crossbows drawn on the diners at "Bastards"] *Die*, meat-eaters!

Jeff (Manager): How did you know they weren't gonna shoot you?

Alex: I know the face of a man who's about to shoot you; that wasn't it. Plus, he had the safety on.

Alex: I'm a master of my own fate, Lily.

Lily: Which is why it upsets me so much, because you choose to do what you do.

Alex: What do you want me to do?

Lily: Anything else.

Alex: This is all I have.

Lily: I don't believe that.

Paco: Thanks for the help.

Alex: I didn't help you.

Alex: So what's your name?

Paco: Paco.

Alex: No, shit, I mean, professionally what's your name?

Paco: Paco.

Alex: Don't you have a nickname? Like..."Killer Paco", "The Subway Psycho", "Hatchet Man".

Paco: Yes. Francisco.

Alex: You could call yourself Michael Knight, like in "Knightrider". What do you think, eh?

Paco: Look. Shut your fucking mouth or you'll get the car up your ass! Rule No. 1: My car is sacred. Like my mother's sex life, you don't mention it. Rule No. 2: The music I play in my car is also sacred, whether it's the Vienna Boys Choir or Bing Crosby. Got that?

Alex: Yeah, sure. I didn't mean to annoy you. I like all kinds of music, really. It's just that, as you're saying nothing, I'm doing the talking...

[silence]

Alex: Well, who do we have to kill?

Paco: What you talking about, you asshole!

Alex: Are we not going to kill someone? Are you not a hired killer?

Paco: Look, you dickhead! I've been everything in this life. Gigolo, pool cleaner, messenger and a killer too. Everything but a faggot, got that?

Alex: Yes.

Alex: [seeing all the food is alive] The food's fucking possessed!

Sandwich: Oh, shit!

[Alex takes a sandwich, angry and eats it]

Toilet Paper: We're all gonna die!

Tickilish Licorice: Oh, god! Oh...

Male Shopper #2: IT'S DEVIL FOOD!

[rips the Tickilish Licorice]

Apple: OH, MY GOD!

Mariachi Salsa: [runs away] The sausage - he was right! They're EVIL!

Male Shopper #1: Excuse me? I meant to buy normal mustard, when I got home. I realize to bought Honey Mustard's cool. If I just go swap it?

Alex: I don't give a flying fuck, Homeboy.

Alex: [Marty drives a van] What're you doing? Zebras can't drive, only penguins and people can drive!

Marty: [singing and dancing] Da-da-dadadada-da-da, circus, da-da-dadadada-da-da, afro! Circus afro, circus afro! Polka dot, polka dot, polka dot afro!

Alex: ...Really?

Marty: Man, that is one ugly, mag-ugly lady! That is roach-killing ugly!

Alex: Wait a minute, that's no lady, that's the King of Versailles; and that's not the King of Versailles, that's the chimps! And the chimps are smoke, and where there's smoke, there's fire, and by fire, I mean the penguins!

Alex: The Colosseum, the original theater in the round, Marty. You know, my ancestors used to perform here.

Marty: No kiddin'?

Alex: Yeah. Every show had a captive audience. Apparently, they killed.

Alex: We're going the wrong way! Turn around!

Marty: Just call me Marty-o Andretti!

Alex: No, you're Sucky-o Andretti!

Marty: Stop back-seat driving!

Alex: I'm passenger-seat driving, and I want the wheel! Give me the wheel!

Marty: It's not a wheel, it's my baby!

Alex: Your hooves aren't meant to be on a wheel!

Marty: It's too late for you to drive now!

Alex: Skipper, what about the plane?

Skipper: Well, the chimps will work all through the night, no breaks, no safety restrictions...

[Chimps run off]

Skipper: Hey! Where are you going? Get back here, we have a contract!

Mason: Yes, well, I'm afraid the labour laws are slightly more lenient in France. You see, they only have to work 2 weeks in a year.

Skipper: Well, someone else has the Canadian work ethic!

Gia: Alex? You are from a zoo?

[pause]

Alex: Yes. Yes. But wait, there's more.

Gia: More?

Alex: Or less. There's less.

Vitaly: You were never circus?

Gloria: We had to say we were circus.

Melman: Or you'd never let us on the train.

Gia: After all we have been through together, you want to go live in a zoo?

Alex: Gia, I...

Vitaly: You used us.

Alex: No, no, no. I mean - I mean yes but,

Gia: Trapeze americano, you make that up, too?

Alex: It didn't exactly exist when I taught it to you.

Gia: Jet packs and aquatic cobras! I should've known.

Stefano: Balloons to the children of the world was not real, either?

Alex: Yeah, that's not real. But look at what we did.

Stefano: I was shot out of a cannon! I could've died!

Marty: But I thought it was your lifelong dream.

Stefano: For all I know, your name is not even Alice.

Alex: No, Stefano, but it never really was.

Stefano: I don't feel safe!

Alex: Gia, I...

Gia: We trusted you.

Stefano: My tears are real! You are not!

[the group is observing their old homes from outside the zoo gates]

Alex: Hmm... My rock looks smaller than I remember it being...

Marty: Hey, look, it's the mural! Heh, doesn't quite capture the real thing, does it?

Gloria: Well, there's our homes... I forgot about that wall between us, Melman. Was that always there?

Stefano: Maybe I am average intelligence after all.

Alex: Some would even say slightly above.

Stefano: No, I don't think so.

Alex: I just wanted to thank you for letting us get in the train. You know "the cat with the accent" wasn't so happy about this and...

Gia: Listen, lion guy. This circus means everything to us. And if you do anything that threatens this circus, you'll have to answer to me. Capiche?

Alex: Yeah, capiche. Cool! Trust me, we're cool.

Alex: Well, I say they can take the animals out of the circus, but they can't take the animals out of the circus!

[pause]

Alex: Uh, you know what I mean!

Alex: [in a dream] What happened to you? You're so *elderly*!

Alex: And Melman, you're the Brooklyn Bridge.

Melman: Actually, I'm the Triborough Bridge.

Alex: Stefano, you're a genius.

Stefano: No, I'm a not. I'm only average intelligence. Some even say slightly below.

Alex: [after Gia asks Alex to teach her trapeze] What are we 5.

Gia: Si! I am five.

Stefano: Come in this way, Alice.

Alex: By the way, it's Ix. Not iss. Alex. Like New York Knicks.

Stefano: I know. New York Kniss. It's not hard.

Vitaly: It is impossible.

Alex: It was always impossible. That's why the people loved it.

Vitaly: That is why I loved it, because I did the impossible.

[Alex is about to touch Hector's storage tube]

Benson: No taction contact!

Alex: You mean, "Don't touch?"

Alex: Haven't you even had a dog?

Benson: A few times.

Alex: Well, didn't they have names?

Benson: Just something to eat.

Alex: I don't really know how to say goodbye, so I'm not gonna. And um... um, you're my friend you know, and when I'm old, even when you think I've forgotten, I'm always gonna be there.

Christine Hastings: Who's this?

Alex: That's Emma.

Emma: I'm, uh, he's my boyfriend. I mean, friend who's a boy.

Tuck: Awkward.

Tuck: You know, they say the girls you argue with are the ones you like.

Alex: Don't go there, bro.

Tuck: So let me get this right. So you're building a spaceship...

Alex: He's building a spaceship.

Tuck: ...and you need our help building the spaceship?

Alien Object: [yes]

Alex: This guy is building a spaceship.

Tuck: Hold up, hold up, hold up. Let me make sure I don't have any plans.

[ponders]

Tuck: Nope! We're building a spaceship!

Patchi: That's right, Tiny Arms!

Alex: Seriously, what's up with those little, baby hands? I mean, look at him he's so cute! I'm sorry, seriously, I mean, what's up with that?

[last lines]

Alex: Gotcha!

Alex: Now what?

Dot: We need to get some grown-ups to help.

Owen: Grown-ups?

Dot: Yes.

Alex: Oh, that's a pity. They always make such a fuss.

Owen: And they take so long to do anything.

Alex: Yeah. Kids are best at getting things done.

Dot: This is a girl whale. Her name is Tonga. Nelson told me about her.

Owen: Who's Nelson?

Alex: Probably a jellyfish.

Dot: Actually, he's a dolphin.

Owen: If only whales had wings.

Alex: Owen, shut up!

Dot: What are you doing?

Alex: What do you think we're doing? Making mud pies! We can do whatever we want! It's a free country!

Alex: Up a tree without a paddle

Frida Kahlo: Did I tell you that I'm going to walk again.

Alex: Yes...

Frida Kahlo: Did you believe it?

Alex: Of course I do.

Frida Kahlo: You'd better, because you are going to miss it.

Alex: Take us HOME Whitley!

Whitley Strieber: When the doctor hypnotized me, I was supposed to remember prowlers, or something, but in fact, I recall something else. I sure do.

Alex: What?

Whitley Strieber: [Holds a hand about three feet above the floor] Little blue f**kers, about that big.

Alex: I found him!

Alex: I wonder if there are ghosts.

Sarah: The house is new.

Alex: I mean the ghosts of the wolves. Grrr!

Sarah: Stop it!

[Alex, a KGB agent, informs Christopher and Dalton that they are not patriots, but paid traitors]

Alex: The moment you accepted money, you became professionals. It's just beginning.

Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.

Gigi: [opens the door, thinking it's Bill] Did you forget something?

Alex: Yeah...

Gigi: Really? What did you forget?

Alex: [pulls out a promotional pen from his pocket] This.

Gigi: So you came all the way here at 11 o' clock in the night to give me a promotional pen?

Alex: Yeah... Yeah, I did. I thought I would come up with some really great excuse to get over here. That's how it's done, right?

Gigi: [smiles] Sometimes.

Alex: Look, I can't stop thinking about you. I... It's a problem. I drive by your place; I call and hang up; I've turned into...

Gigi: Me.

Alex: Yeah.

Gigi: A wise person once told me that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what.

Alex: That's true.

Gigi: But when I was hurling my body onto yours, you did not seem to want to make it happen.

Alex: Okay, yeah, here's the thing about that... You were right. I'd gotten so used to keeping myself at a safe distance from all these women and having the power that, that I didn't know what it felt like when I actually fell for one of them... I didn't know.

Gigi: Look, I just went out with your friend Bill. He might be just exactly what I need. No drama, he calls; he does what he says...

Alex: [stepping closer] I can do that stuff too...

Gigi: But you didn't! And that same wise person told me that I'm the rule. That I have to stop thinking that every guy will change, that I have to stop thinking that...

Gigi: [Alex kisses her]

[smiles]

Gigi: ... I'm the exception...

Alex: [whispers] You are *my* exception.

[they kiss again]

Alex: You're my exception.

Gigi: Hey sorry to bug you again! Uh quick question.

Alex: What's going on?

Gigi: Ok I'm making out with this guy, PG stuff. but he mentions he's going out of town so he's gonna be out of touch.

Alex: Run.

Gigi: But maybe he is going out of town.

Alex: To where? New Guinea? Where's he gonna be that he's gonna be out of touch?

Gigi: Opens bathroom door - Where are you going out of town to again?

Gigi: Pittsburgh

Alex: Run.

Gigi: So what now I'm just supposed to turn from every guy who doesn't like me?

Alex: Uh. Yeah!

Gigi: There's not gonna be anybody left.

Alex: Hey, Kelli Ann. Uh, did I get any calls?

Kelli Ann: Since you asked me 11 mins ago, no, not a lot of phone traffic.

Alex: [obsessively checks phone for signal]

Kelli Ann: Oh, my God.

Alex: What?

Kelli Ann: What's her name?

Alex: Who?

Kelli Ann: The girl... Alex.

Alex: There's no girl.

Kelli Ann: You can't hide it, man. I know strung out, and YOU are strung out.

Alex: Please.

Kelli Ann: This is amazing. You can't focus. Right? Jumping every time your phone rings. Checking your e-mail a hundred times a day. Wishing you could write songs.

Alex: [laughs]

Kelli Ann: No. Feeling the need to bring up her name in random conversations. It's always the same and it has happened to you, my friend.

Alex: Shit.

Kelli Ann: Welcome to my world, asshole. Let me get the door.

Alex: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.

Alex: I dunno... I like you

Gigi: [She's taken aback] You do?

Alex: Well, yeah, okay, don't start doodling my name on your binder, okay.

Alex: I'm sorry I'm late.

Gigi: No, it's okay. I like a little time before a blind date; prepare myself mentally;

[He puts a hand on her shoulder]

Gigi: remind myself not to tell the story about my molars.

Alex: Ah, Gigi, he's not coming. But you can tell me the story about the molars; I'd love to hear it.

Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.

Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?

Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

Gigi: [Answering machine answers, Gigi's voice:] Or call my cell, or try me at work but definitely leave a message here first. Thanks!

Alex: Hey, Gigi. It's Alex, um, how's it going?

[He starts to pace]

Alex: Uh, just wondering how you're doing. I haven't talked to you in a little while and, uh, just wondering how you're doing.

[He sits on the couch]

Alex: So... I was hoping to talk to you... obviously. But you're out, I guess. So, just call me some time. Or tonight, uh, in around... uh, I'll be in around... that's, that's... not... now. It's Alex. Okay.

[He hangs up the phone]

Tyrone: Dude.

Alex: [He looks down] I know.

Alex: I really gotta go to bed.

Gigi: Is that an invitation?

Alex: What?

Gigi: Oh god, That was cheesy.

Gigi: Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab...

Alex: Or maybe he is not interested in seeing you again.

Alex: He is not interested.

Nurse Susan Gallagher: He's a Jew.

Alex: How do you know?

Nurse Susan Gallagher: I've had a look.

Taxi Driver: Puts you in mind of the days of the old demon barber of Fleet Street, don't it?

Alex: Sorry?

Taxi Driver: The murders.

David: What murders?

Taxi Driver: Haven't you heard? Last night... six of 'em. All in different parts of the city, all mutilated. He must be a real right maniac, this fella.

Alex: Benjamin, have you ever been severely beaten about the face and neck?

David: I'm going to the police. Jack was right.

Alex: Jack is dead!

David: Jack is dead and six people are dead. There's gonna be a full moon tonight. I'm going to the cops.

Alex: David, please be rational. Let's go to Dr. Hirsch.

David: Yeah, be rational, sure. I'm a fucking werewolf, for Christ's sake!

David: I'm a werewolf.

Alex: Are you alright?

David: I don't know, I'll let you know the next full moon.

Alex: Shall I be forced to feed you, David?

[last lines]

Alex: I love you David.

Alex: Hey I'm sorry, hold on one second, hold on one second.

[Pretends to answer phone call during party]

Alex: Mom?

Hae-Won: Oh, my god!

Alex: Yeah. I'll be right there.

[Onlooking party-goers groan]

Alex: I'm kidding!

[All laughing]

Alex: But thanks for finally laughing, you fucking assholes!

[laughs]

Alex: I can feel my hair growing!

Alex: Okay, guys, can you guess who I am? Ready? "You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!"

Liz: Cheech! No, Chong.

Alex: No, no, no. "Say hello to my little friend!"

[sprays glue gun]

Rob: Tim Allen.

Alex: Why won't you talk to me?

Hell House Ghost: Because you gave me crabs!

Alex: [while having sex on the ceiling] Bring it on! Kinky's my middle name, bitch!

Alex: Why won't you talk to me?

Hell House Ghost: Because you gave me crabs.

[deleted scene]

Alex: God is good. God is great. But not all the time, sometimes he could be a real asshole. Praying for 24 years, not one goddamn message on my answering machine. If you're listening and I know you're up there, thanks for all this food, since it's the least you could do. Amen. Let's eat.

Alex: Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.

Dante: Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.

Alex: You're getting a lion?

Dante: Yeah.

Alex: Why?

Dante: To protect my shit.

Alex: Never heard of a dog?

Dante: Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.

Alex: Yeah, that's true.

Alex: Dude, your bed is a car...

Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.

Alex: Don't judge me Monkey.

Alex: My grandma drank all my pot.

Jeff: That's awesome.

Alex: What?

Jeff: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?

Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.

Alex: Why is it called that?

Dante: Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!

Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.

Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

J.P.: [Robot Voice to Alex walking away] I hate your face.

Alex: [pauses, turns around] Did you say something?

J.P.: [Hides behind coat]

Alex: You're fuckin' weird.

J.P.: ...How did he see me?

Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.

Alex: You're an idiot.

Dante: That is pure fucking insanity.

Alex: Yeah, I know. He got addicted to hookers.

Dante: No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.

Alex: Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you too.

[looking around]

Alex: Of course she doesn't have a microwave she's fucking a hundred.

Josh: I loved them so much...

Alex: You loved who?

Josh: The Girls of Madam Camae's Filipino Palace...

Alex: You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?

Josh: They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.

Mover #2: Yeah, they'll massage your cock for money.

Mover #1: There is a word for that... I think it's hooker!

Josh: You're a hooker!

[movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh]

Alex: Whoa guys.

Yuri: Alex I make you special deal, I'll give you five minutes to grab all the shit you don't want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!

Alex: Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight?

Timmy: Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?

Alex: Jeff's a fucking liar, Timmy!

Alex: [Masturbating to a Tomb Raider barbie doll] Come on Lara. My cock is lost in the jungle and it's up to you to find it. Oh Lara you dirty dirty adventurer. Let's see what's under you skirt. Lara, no panties? You know I like that.

Alex: You remember Lara?

Jeff: Yes I do, and she already has a cold sore. What a surprise.

Dante: Dr. Shakalu brought my some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer.

Alex: You do know that lions eat deer, right?

Dante: Thats true kid. Doctor, we gotta be careful.

J.P.: How do you two know each other?

Samantha: I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.

J.P.: Yeah. Well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep.

Alex: Wow J.P, that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?

J.P.: So funny I forgot to laugh. Ehehe.

Samantha: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...

Alex: [farts]

Samantha: Is he sleeping?

Jeff: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.

[pats Alex]

Jeff: Wake up, dude.

Alex: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma!

Samantha: Nice rip, Alex.

Alex: Rip what?

Alex: So, ladies, I kind of need to use the televis...

Grace: Shh! Go read your Playgirl or something!

Alex: [hangs up the phone] Dude... you have to give me a ride.

Dante: [after smoking] I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.

Alex: Ever hear of a dog?

Dante: Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion.

Alex: Dude, why don't you pick up your phone? I've been calling for the past half hour!

Dante: Sorry bro, I was putting up my Christmas tree!

Alex: Dude? It's the middle of July.

Dante: Get the fuck outta here! It is?

Alex: Dude? Why are you naked?

Dante: Ooohhh shit! I am naked! Come in.

[turns around]

Alex: Your ass is tanner than my face.

Dante: It's not tan, kid, it's bronzed.

Alex: You know, I think I forgot something.

Barry: What?

Alex: [Alex pretends to look around for something] This!

[and then kicks Barry in the shin]

Barry: Oh my God. Are you serious? I think he fucking shattered it.

Alex: [as Alex turns around and Jeff's mom screams bloody murder] Oh, oh my god! I'm sorry! I can't stop coming, I'm sorry! It feels so good!

Dante: It's cool that I brought some friends from the Crazy Beaver?

[as a parade of bikers and such file into his grandma's house]

Alex: I wish you would have gone a little less on the crazy and little more on the beaver.

Dante: Relax bro, they're people just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun.

Grandma Lilly: Oh listen, your father tells me that you need a place to stay.

Alex: Yeah...

Grandma Lilly: Just so you know, Sophie left us two weeks ago, so her room is available if you need it.

Alex: Oh? Where'd Sophie move to?

Grandma Lilly: Heaven.

Jeff: Come in. Hurry up.

Alex: Are you sure this is OK?

Jeff: Yeah, it's totally cool. Just keep your voice down - my roommates are sleeping.

Alex: You mean your parents?

Jeff: Yeah, same thing.

Alex: ...Nice jammies.

Jeff: Thanks! They're a present from my roommates.

Alex: That's cool.

Alex: Where is your monkey?

Dante: He's upstairs putting his nun-chucks away.

Alex: And to you, Doctor... clk clk cluk clak!

Dr. Shakalu: [looks very offended]

Alex: Oh. Sorry.

Alex: [Sees her pill collection] That's quite a buffet you have there.

Bea: Thank you, Mr. President.

Alex: Hey, uh, Sophie didn't die on the bed, did she?

Grandma Lilly: No.

Alex: Good, good, good.

Grandma Lilly: She fell out of bed and died right here.

Alex: Eww!

Grandma Lilly: [ghostly voice] Ohhh... I died on the floor... and *nobody* helped me!

Alex: You have got to be fucking shitting me.

Grandma Lilly: Ohh it's so cold... when you're dead...

Alex: I swear to God, I would've helped you, Sophie. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I would've helped you. I just wasn't here...

Grandma Lilly: [jumps up] Gotcha!

Alex: Ahh! Oh my God!

Grandma Lilly: You scaredy cat!

Alex: What the hell are you doing, Grandma?

Grandma Lilly: I told you we were going to have fun!

Jeff: Hey, Alex. Can we go back to your grandma's house? I gotta pee.

Alex: Why don't you just go to the alley and pee?

Jeff: I gotta pee out of my ass.

Alex: Well I guess we could go by.

Jeff: Emergency!

[first lines]

Josh: [playing video game] Fuck! Stop hitting me!

Alex: This is like, if Tyson fought an infant.

Alex: Wow. That Grace sure makes me feel warm and welcome.

Grandma Lilly: Well, you'd be bitter too if you had four husbands die on you.

Alex: Probably suicides.

[Bea looks horrified]

Alex: It was a joke.

Alex: Don't slit your wrists, Kane. I'm here.

Alex: I don't know what you are but I'm going to fuckin' eat you too!

Jeff: What's up Douche Bigalow?

Alex: Hey Speed Racer. What'd you do, valet your bed?

Jeff: No, but I'll self park it in your asshole.

Jeff: Hi I'm Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.

Alex: Hey!

Jeff: What?

Alex: My bush isn't really grey.

Jeff: Well, not according to my mom.

Alex: [under his breath] I thought I told you to quit talking about that.

Jeff: [frustrated] People keep asking me about it.

Alex: Marathon? Fuck me!

Alex: Who wants a piece of the grey bush?

Alex: [screaming in pain after taking hot tray out of the oven with no gloves on] Cocksucking fuck!

Samantha: Do you always sleep here, Alex?

Alex: No... uh... I was working late... I love work... I love life.

Jeff: What's up, shitlips.

Alex: Hey, I need a huge favor.

Jeff: You're not jerking off on my dad.

Alex: Funny. No, I was wondering if you could do some of my levels.

Jeff: No, why can't you do them?

Alex: It's my roommates. They won't stop watching... porn. I can't get any work done.

Jeff: You're dead to me. Over.

[hangs up phone]

Alex: Well, Jeff's a good friend.

Grandma Lilly: Grace you remember my grandson Alex - our new "roommate."

Alex: [waves]

Grace: How long you stayin'?

Alex: Um, just until I find a new apartment.

Grace: Have a girlfriend?

Alex: No.

Grace: How old are you now?

Alex: I'll be 36 in October.

Grace: My grandson's gay, too. I'll give you his number.

Alex: I'm not gay, but, thank you?

Grace: Denial.

[Dr. Shakalu has just farted]

Alex: We're not in the jungle any more, Doctor.

Dr. Shakalu: [inhaling] My beef strong!

Dante: [backing away] Your beef wrong!

[Alex sees that his bong has become a flower vase]

Alex: Where did you get this vase?

Grandma Lilly: Oh, I found it in your laundry when I was cleaning up. It smelled awful, so I cleaned it. Doesn't it look nice?

Grandma Lilly: Once you got to high school, you just seemed to lose focus. It was probably just puberty.

Alex: [making joint smoking gesture behind her] Yeah, I'm sure it was puberty.

Samantha: Whoa, Alex, what happened?

Alex: There was a fire, and I was, I was trying to save it from this baby, and uh...

Alex: [walks in on Nick wearing feminine products] What are you doing?

Nick Marshall: Exfoliating.

Alex: My dad? He's always been... like an uncle to me. Yeah, Uncle Dad.

Alex: Oh please, Mom had this talk with me when I was like, 11.

Jack Butler: You guys keep it down now. Kevin's about to find out his test results.

Alex: Kevin's a skunk!

Jack Butler: Yea, but Kevin gets all the girls.

Alex: He sure got Nicki!

Alex: Wow, what a house!

Jack Butler: Yeah, probably mortgaged to the eyeballs.

Caroline: Not this one, his great grandfather - Commander Richardson - built it.

Jack Butler: Eh... hand me down.

Jack Butler: [Overloading the washer with bedding] When I was in the army, we had to run a pretty tight ship.

Alex: There were no ships in the army!

Mya: Babe I got us lattes... be right back

Alex: I'll be right here

Mya: Oh, you were an animal last night! So babe, was thinking we could go our first real date?

Alex: Yeah, babe, we should do that...

Mya: Alex... no he didn't... he took my coffee?

Peter Beaupre: [as he sneaks into the mailslot of Alex's house] You can run, but you can't hide, Junior!

Alex: Surprise!

[Beaupre screams while Alex sprays black paint to his eyes]

Alex: Heads up!

[unleashes booby trap that releases dumbbells on two criminals]

Alex: [donging is heard] Ouch.

Karen Pruitt: You get in that bed, young man.

Alex: Excuse me, but I saw a man in Karen Stephen's bedroom, a little older than Dad, and he was wearing butt inspection gloves.

Karen Pruitt: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there.

Alex: Well, I guess you have to be 35 before anyone around here listens to you.

Karen Pruitt: Don't get smart with me, Alex. Sick or not, I am very angry with you. You caused a lot of trouble today. Dad and I have to replace a door at the Stephens'. Do you think we're happy about that?

Alex: I saw what I saw!

Alex: [calls out to the crooks] You're not gonna find me up there, you big, dumb, law-breaking knuckle-heads!

Alex: There's a senior citizen across the street who needs some soup and a doctor to look at her feet. There's two in our pool and one in our basement. The other one's gone.

Agent Stuckey: [shows Alex the picture of Beaupre] Is this him?

Alex: Yep.

Agent Stuckey: For seven years, we've been after this guy. He always manages to slip away. Thanks.

Alex: Excuse me for being a good citizen.

Jonathan: I'm a vegetarian.

Alex: You're a what?

Jonathan: I don't eat meat.

Alex: How can you not eat meat?

Jonathan: I just don't.

Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat meat.

Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What?

Alex: No meat?

Jonathan: No meat.

Alex: Steak?

Jonathan: No...

Alex: Chickens!

Jonathan: No...

Alex: And what about the sausage?

Jonathan: No, no sausage, no meat!

Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat any meat.

Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] Not even sausage?

Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] I know!

Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What is wrong with him?

Alex: What is wrong with you?

Jonathan: Nothing, I just don't eat meat!

Alex: My grandfather informs me that is not possible.

Alex: I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us, on the inside, looking out. Like you say, inside out. Jonathan, in this way, I will always be along the side of your life. And you will always be along the side of mine.

Alex: You make sex often with American girl?

Jonathan: Not really.

Alex: What is mean by "not really?"

Jonathan: I'm not a priest, but I'm not John Holmes either.

Alex: I have heard of this John Holmes. He has premium penis.

Jonathan: Yes, he did.

Alex: Everyne in Ukraine has penis like that.

Jonathan: Even the women?

Alex: You make joke, yes?

Jonathan: Yes.

Alex: I was of the opinion that the past is past, and like all that is not now it should remain burried along the side of our memories.

Jonathan: I'm distressed by dogs.

Alex: [in Russian to Grandfather] He is afraid of dogs.

Grandfather: [in Russian to Alex] Bullshit. No one is afraid of dogs.

Alex: [voice over] Now I must tell you more of myself. I an unequivocally tall. I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women who *are* taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year. For me, America is a first-rate place. Most of all, I am beloved of American movies, muscular cars, and hip-hop music. I also dig Negroes, most of all, Michael Jackson. He is a first-rate dancer, just like me. Many girls want to be carnal with me because I'm such a premium dancer.

Alex: How much currency would a first-rate accountant receive in America?

Jonathan: I don't know, a lot, probably, if he or she is good.

Alex: She?

Jonathan: Or he.

Alex: Are there Negro accountants?

Jonathan: Yes, there are *African American* accountants, but you don't want to use that word.

Alex: And homosexual accountants?

Jonathan: There are homosexual *everythings*. There are homosexual garbage men.

Alex: [shocked] And how much currency would a Negro homosexual accountant receive?

Jonathan: You really shouldn't use that word.

Alex: Which word?

Jonathan: The N-word. It's not *the* N-word, but...

Alex: Negro?

Jonathan: Yeah, that one.

Alex: But I dig them all the way. They are premium people.

Alex: [Refering to the dog] This is Sammy Davis Jr. Jr... She is Grandfather's Seeing Eye bitch. Father purchased her for him not because he believes Grandfather is blind, but because a Seeing Eye bitch is also a good thing for people who pine for the opposite of loneliness. In truth, Father did not purchase her at all, but merely retrieved her from the home for forgetful dogs. Because of this, she is not a real Seeing Eye bitch, and is also mentally deranged.

[in Russian, referring to why Augustine never buried her ring]

Lista: In case someone should come searching one day.

Alex: So they would have something to find.

Lista: No, it does not exist for you. You exist for it. You have come because it exists.

Alex: [voice over] My legal name is Alexander Perchov, but all of my friends dub me Alex, because this is much more flaccid to utter.

Alex: Many girls want to be carnal with me... because I'm such a premium dancer!

[after an old man gives them directions, Jonathan hands him a pack of cigarettes]

Alex: What are you doing?

Jonathan: For helping us.

Alex: What?

Jonathan: Well, I read in my guidebook that you can't find Marlboro cigarettes here so you should take them everywhere as tips.

Grandfather: [In Ukrainian]

[to the man]

Grandfather: He doesn't eat meat.

Alex: Jonfen. What you said at the hotel about Ukrainians before the war.

Jonathan: Yeah?

Alex: Do you think it's possible that my grandfather, he...

[Very long silence]

Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.

Alex: What?

Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.

Alex: What does it mean, inside out?

Jonathan: Nothing. It's just that the inside of your shirt is on the outside and the outside is on...

Alex: [stares at him, uncomprehendingly]

Jonathan: ...Forget it.

Alex: This is not so unusual.

Jonathan: What?

Alex: Not knowing.

Alex: [to Jonathan] You were proximal with your grandfather, yes?

[as they drive by an abandoned, half-destroyed apartment building]

Jonathan: What is it?

Alex: Soviets.

Jonathan: What happened?

Alex: [pause] Independence.

Alex: [In Ukrainian]

[to Lista]

Alex: Please, don't be scared. Cars are totally safe now. They even have airbags, crumple zones... Maybe not this one... but most!

Alex: We are searching for Trachimbrod.

Lista: You are here. I am it.

Alex: [voice over] This is my miniature brother, Igor. I am tutoring him to be a man of this world. For an example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore.

Igor: [in Russian] Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?

Alex: [voice over] I explain it to him that this is because it was invented in the year 1969. I know this because my friend Grisha knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.

Igor: [in Russian] What did people do before 1969?

Alex: [voice over] He is a genius, my miniature brother. He will be made a VIP if I have a thing to do with it.

[from trailer]

Alex: Make sure to secure the door when I am gone. There are many dangerous people who wanna take things from Americans, and also kidnap them. Good night!

Alex: I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women who *are* taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year.

Alex: Please tell me, is the Shaq also the Jew?

Jonathan: Who?

Alex: The Shaqweel O'Neal, the Los Angeles Laker.

Jonathan: Uh, no.

Alex: And Michael Jackson?

Jonathan: [Scoffs] *No*, definitely not a Jew.

Alex: [voice over] This is Grandfather. Like my father and myself, he too is dubbed Alex. My grandmother, Anna, died two years before of a cancer in her brain. Precluding this, Grandfather became very melancholy, and also, he says, blind. His most recent employment was Heritage Tours, a business he started in 1950s, mostly for aiding rich Jewish people to search for their dead families. It is a strange employment for Grandfather, as there is nothing he hates more than rich Jewish people *or* their dead families.

Anna: Have you ever made love to a perfect stranger?

Alex: Now you're teasing me.

Anna: I believe I am.

Alex: Well, I mean... No, not exactly a perfect stranger, if you mean someone I wouldn't know at all.

Anna: It's sad.

Alex: It's sad? Why?

Anna: Because there's almost nothing more exciting than fucking somebody you don't know. Right? You don't know their name, barely saw their face.

Alex: Don't... Don't tell me your name.

[Alex holds up his slingshot to shoot the four-leaf clover at the Leprechaun]

Alex: Hey, Lep! Fuck you, lucky charms!

[Ozzie takes a bite on a gold coin to see if it's real]

Ozzie: Oh, my God. I swallowed that gold coin!

Alex: Nice going, Jaws.

Ozzie: Hey, hey, hey. Can you die from swallowing gold?

Alex: Yeah, after I kill you!

[the group returns back into the house and see a mess of food and shoes scattered all over]

Ozzie: Uh-oh. I think something got in here.

Alex: No shit, Sherlock.

Ozzie: You'd better watch your mouth. Go wash it out with soap right now, boy.

Alex: Sure. Sure. And right after that, Ozzie, I'll be sure to ground myself for two weeks.

[Alex hits Ozzie in the chest with his hat]

[Alex tells Ozzie that they can use the gold to pay for Ozzie's operation]

Alex: Hey, Ozzie. Do you know what this means?

Ozzie: We're rich, and I can buy comics every week.

Alex: Yeah, but you know what else?

Ozzie: What else?

Alex: We can get you an operation.

Ozzie: For what?

Alex: To make you smart. See we can go to the hospital and have them operate and fix your brain.

Ozzie: But - But I - I'm smart.

Alex: Yeah. Well, sort of. What I mean is we can make you real smart. That way, people won't make fun of you.

Ozzie: They make fun of me?

Alex: Not in front of you. Only behind your back.

[Ozzie talks to Alex after saving his life from the Leprechaun, covered in blood]

Ozzie: I did a smart thing. I did a smart thing, didn't I?

Alex: You're really smart, Ozzie. You just hang in there, okay?

Ozzie: [Ozzie points to Alex and his chest] Hey, Alex... What's that?

Ozzie: [Ozzie gets Alex to look down so he can touch his face] Gotcha. First time I ever got you.

Alex: You sure did, Ozzie.

[Ozzie asks Alex if he thinks you can kill a Leprechaun]

Ozzie: Alex, do you think you could kill a Leprechaun?

Alex: Ozzie, you can kill anything. You just got to know how to do it. Now, me, give me a .357 magnum, press it to the little green critter's temple, and blam! Brains and guts and oozing cruddy stuff dripping all down its head. The guy is gone with a capital dead.

[Ozzie sits in the truck screaming in shock after the Leprechaun just bit off his ear]

Ozzie: My - My ear! He got my ear!

Alex: [Alex slaps Ozzie across the face] Hey, chill!

[Ozzie talks to Alex in the back of the paint truck]

Ozzie: Anyways, listen-listen. It came right down out of the sky. And there it was... This flying saucer. It had these weird lights, you know? It was making all of these weird noises, kind of like, boo-boo boo-boo.

Alex: Ozzie, I thought you weren't going to tell any more stories.

Ozzie: This really happened, Alex. It did! It's like magic, you know? Like - Like, um... Well, when you see a star in the night sky - The first star - You can make a wish. And it'll come true.

Alex: Stop with the magic stuff.

[the father J.D Reding meets Alex and Ozzie]

J.D. Reding: So, you boys need any help out here?

Alex: Um. I'm afraid that our liability insurance forbids anyone but us handling the tools and equipment. But thanks for the offer.

[the father smiles as the two walk off]

Alex: Boy, I could go for a beer right now.

[Tory and Nathan find Ozzie covered in blue paint]

Ozzie: [Ozzie tries taking blue paint out of his mouth] Oh, no!

Alex: [Alex laughs to himself] As fashion statements go, blue is not your best color.

Ozzie: Alex, I asked you to hold that ladder steady. Now look what happened!

Nathan Murphy: I'm not even going to ask what happened, really.

Tory: There's a bathroom off the kitchen in there. At least, it looked a little like a bathroom.

Ozzie: [Ozzie looks back at Alex] I don't like blue.

[Ozzie tells the others that he found a Leprechaun in the basement]

Ozzie: Ah! There's a Leprechaun in the basement! Oh, there's a Leprechaun in the basement!

Nathan Murphy: Hold on. What's going on?

Ozzie: He come out of a box. He had these long, real skinny fingers. He wasn't nice like lucky charms or anything. And then he ate a bug!

Alex: A Leprechaun? Let's inject a little reality in here, please.

Ozzie: I saw him. I really did see him. He even tried to polish my shoes.

Alex: Then where's your pot of gold?

Ozzie: That's what he said he wants. He said he wanted his pot of gold!

[Ozzie see's the rainbow in the sky]

Ozzie: [Ozzie points up] Hey. Hey, look up in the sky!

Alex: So what, Ozzie? It's just a rainbow.

Ozzie: It's a magic rainbow. Leprechauns and rainbows - It's a sign.

Nathan Murphy: Yeah. Yeah, it's a sign all right. It's time to get back to painting.

Ozzie: No, we got to go see what's at the end.

Alex: Ozzie, you're embarrassing me.

Ozzie: Come on, come with me. We got to get to the end of the rainbow. There's always a pot of gold.

[Ozzie and Alex find the Leprechaun's gold at the end of the rainbow]

Ozzie: Wow! I told you. I told you! Uh-oh. That's what that Leprechaun was talking about.

Alex: Would you stop with that stupid Leprechaun stuff. We found this gold. Finders keepers!

[Ozzie and Alex take a gold coin to the coin shop owner]

Ozzie: You ever reckon that coin might've come from a Leprechaun?

Ozzie: [the coin shop owner smiles without saying anything] Never mind.

Alex: Okay, we'll come back tomorrow. And let's just keep this between us.

Shop Owner: Okay.

Alex: [Alex tells Ozzie] We better get to the restaurant. They're going to be pissed we were gone so long.

Alex: [Vincent wants to climb a mountain] What if it sucks?

Vincent: What if it's amazing?

Alex: What if it's dangerous?

Vincent: What if it's exciting?

Alex: What if we die?

Vincent: What if we live?

Alex: I love these.

[opens Vincent's mint tin in the wind]

Alex: What is on my face? What is on my face?

Marie: Vincent's mother.

Alex: I'm Alex in Wonderland!

Vincent: What's so... What's so funny?

Marie: Nothing. Sorry.

Alex: It's just hard to tell were you stop and your tourettes begins.

[last lines]

Alex: I'm starving. Let's go to Subway.

Vincent: Eat fresh latex, cunt.

Alex: You really love that word, don't you? Have you ever counted how many times you say that word a day?

Vincent: 62,175. For million and a half.

Alex: I would give anything to be free from this, but it doesn't stop, and it's not my fault.

Vincent: I'm in charge here. Not you, you cunt.

Alex: You're calling me a cunt?

Marie: That was his Tourette's you idiot!

Vincent: No, I said that on purpose.

Alex: Cause I wanted you to think I was cool. You don't know what it's like. I've got a lot to offer but these stupid rituals take over everything, made my world smaller and smaller. I'm stuck in a fucking cage. I'd give anything to be free, but it doesn't stop.

Vincent: It was pretty cool, the way you ran out of there

Marie: You did look pretty bad ass.

Alex: [throws the doctor's car keys on the lake] Next time, don't give me a roommate.

Amy: As long as I'm not boring.

Alex: You're not boring. You're a weirdo.You are not normal. And it's inspiring. It's cool.

Amy: Thanks.

Alex: You're welcome.

Alex: Laughing

Jimmy: What? What are you smiling about?

Alex: Did you think you could pay with bananas or something?

Jimmy: Well I don't know do I? I've never been on a plane before.

Alex: What do you want, Dean?

Dean: What do I want?

Alex: Yes, it's a simple question. What do you want?

Dean: That is not a simple question.

Dean: I've never understood the appeal of a big wedding.

Alex: I do. I want a huge wedding. Big flower arrangements. All my family and friends. Big band playing. If I ever love somebody that much, I want to shout it to the world.

Dean: You ever come close?

Alex: No. Well, maybe once.

Dean: You don't mean me.

Alex: You want to know the truth? I've been with a lot of guys in my life. I've even lived with a few of them, but none of them compared to you. It's gotten so bad that no matter where I go in the world, I find myself looking for you.

Sammy: Dad... When can I get a Guitar?

Alex: When you've mastered the harmonica.

Sammy: When can I get an electric guitar?

Alex: When you've got your own house.

Sarah Cassidy: All you're doing is walking along the street with a beautiful young girl.

Alex: That's enough to get me killed.

Sarah Cassidy: Your wife's possessive?

Alex: All women are possessive.

Sarah Cassidy: Hah! All women?

Alex: Yeah.

Sarah Cassidy: Each and every one the world over?

Alex: Sure.

Sarah Cassidy: Does the word "enlightenment" ever come your way?

Alex: You know a woman who's not possessive?

Sarah Cassidy: I'm not possessive. I believe in destiny. Either someone loves you or they don't. If they don't, there's nothing you can do about it.

Sarah Cassidy: [Alex has shown up at her doorstep] What do you want?

Alex: You.

Sarah Cassidy: And then?... Then? After you have me, what then?

Alex: I don't know.

Sarah Cassidy: You don't know much, do ya'?

Alex: No, I guess not.

Sarah Cassidy: So your plan is, you have me, you ravish me, you bury your pathetic middle-aged pain in me, and then you say thanks... or maybe you don't... and you leave, and I never see you again? Or, I see you again and again, because I make you feel better, and you can't stand not feeling better. Either way, you finally get your shit together, and you go back to your marriage - your lovely life, your lovely wife - and I'm left alone in this fucking apartment, wondering when my own life is gonna' begin. Is that your plan? Jesus, it must be: you're here.

Alex: I'm not middle-aged.

Sarah Cassidy: You want me to have an affair with you. You want me to be your mistress.

Alex: You're kinda' scary, you know that?

Sarah Cassidy: You should go now.

Alex: You shouldn't have done that with Sammy, dad.

Michael: What are you talking about?

Alex: Making him feel bad like that, about spilling the glue.

Michael: [Dismissively] The kid's a retard.

Alex: He's very smart.

Michael: Right.

Alex: He is!

Michael: Okay. I'm sorry. I get aggravated. Tell Martha I'm sorry. Is she pissed at me?

Alex: Yes.

Michael: Did she make you come talk to me? Are you the messenger boy?

Alex: No.

Michael: You pussy-whipped, son? I think you're pussy-whipped. Don't feel bad about it. We're all fuckin' pussy-whipped. Women run the world. Don't let anyone tell you different. Women, not men. Fuck them.

Michael: [sighs] Sneaky, the way they do it. That's what they're good at: being fucking sneaky. Who decides what you're gonna' eat tonight? Who decides how much booze you should drink? Who decides what movie you're gonna' go see? Follow my drift, Alex? Women are vipers.

Alex: You have the hots for me, I have the hots for him, and sooner or later he's gonna have the hots for you.

Eddie: Sounds pretty hot to me.

Alex: Oh, I am so sick of this shit, it's not NORMAL! It's not NORMAL the three of us LIVING TOGETHER! I am so sick of falling for guys who don't give a fuck about me! I need help! I need a facial! I need to go on a diet! I need money! I need new shoes! Oh, God, just do something!

Alex: I find libraries very erotic.

Alex: If you eat my yogurt again, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Stuart: You make murder sound so sexual, Alex.

Stuart: Straight sex is better than gay sex, it's written in the Bible.

Alex: Is that in the King James or the New World Edition?

Alex: If you're so hot on the idea, why don't you have sex with him?

Stuart: Taste of semen makes me gag.

Alex: How would you know? Whose semen were you eating?

Stuart: My own.

Alex: What are you doing in here?

Eddie: Our room has a foul and mysterious odor.

Alex: So clean it, you used to be a clean person.

Eddie: That was before I moved in with him. I used to make hospital corners, now I don't even change the sheets

[On Catcher In The Rye]

Stuart: It's a great book, you're going to love it.

Alex: I've read it four times.

Stuart: I've often felt like the main character, Holden Caulfield...

Eddie: No, no, he's Stradlater, the obnoxious room-mate who thinks he's it.

Peter Vincent: First we need some holy water, and some communion wafers.

Alex: Communion wafers? The stuff you get from the church? Am I going to hell for this?

Alex: I have a class at 7:00.

Charley Brewster: People actually attend class at 7 in the morning? It's inhumane, it's anti-American.

Alex: [to John while dying] Have you seen my dick?

Alex: [to Cassie after getting interrupted dancing with another female] You just totally cock-blocked me!

Rose Morgan: I don't feel anything, isn't that great! I never thought about how *I* would feel, I only ever thought about you. I only wanted to make you happy, I never thought I was good enough for you.

Alex: Oh but you are good enough for me, Rose, you are!

Rose Morgan: I know, I know, but Alex, you're not good enough for me!

Alex: Forgive you? For kissing me? You've awoken me. It's ages since I felt so alive.Thanks to you. But it's too late for me. I'm far away from here. I can't fall in love again. But you - you deserve the best.

Alex: In a couple there are three categories of women. The happy ones, the unhappy ones who cope... and the unhappy ones who do not admit it... That last category is my stock in trade... We exist to help them... Our job: Breaking up their couples... Our goal: to open their eyes... Our method: seduction... We break their couples, never their hearts... My name is Alex Lippi and today, I broke my own heart.

Zach: What would you do if I told you I've been celibate for six months?

Alex: Cross my legs.

Alex: Nobody's perfect.

Zach: Right. I'm glad you feel that way because I was just about to suggest that we give it another try.

Alex: We?

[Zach nods his head happily]

Alex: Are you completely off your nut?

Zach: [sarcastically] Don't beg, Alex. It doesn't suit you.

Alex: Oh, Zach.

Zach: Oh, what?

Alex: There are a lot of things about you that I would highly recommend. But you're never gonna last with anyone. You may settle down for a while, but then something will happen. You'll get scared and start to look for some... thing, some... place. Some young girl to save you. You're on a merry-go-round, Zach, and the brass ring is just a brass ring. It solves nothing.

Zach: I'm doomed?

Alex: You're Zach, and you like merry-go-rounds.

Zach: What have you got against my typewriter?

Alex: You used to write on it. Books and plays and movies. Once, once you wrote me a poem on our 2nd anniversary and gave it to me. And you were happy. You exorcised your demons with credible thoughts and good words on that typewriter, and your talent turned me on. I really thought we had a chance "until death do us part," and then one day you stopped. You gave up.

Zach: I dried up. It happens to writers.

Alex: Oh, so you bury yourself with the first available young female that comes along, in the hopes that she's going to magically restore your lost talent?

Zach: Alex...

Alex: No, don't say it. This is a lecture. Not a debate. And since I don't intend to speak to you for the rest of this lifetime, you either get out now, or shut up and let me finish.

[Zach listens]

Alex: I'm not saying that your condition is unique. In fact, quite a few older men do the same thing.

Zach: How about a few older women?

Alex: If your trying to redeem yourself by implying that I might have been unfaithful to you, you're barking up the wrong older woman. I could have, but regrettably didn't. I threw out that typewriter because it represents everything that could have been loving and lasting and wonderful, and everything that wasn't.

Zach: Can I say something please?

Alex: No! No! No! You have 20 minutes to get your things and get out of this house forever, or I will get a restraining order and have you removed!

Emma Dinsmore: Does the fact that you called seventeen times last night with no response from me send any kind of signal to you?

Alex: Yeah, I mean, I'm not an idiot. I figured you probably wanted to talk to me but that your machine was broken.

Emma Dinsmore: "Ample bosom"?

Alex: What's wrong with that? It's literary.

Emma Dinsmore: Oh, well, in that case, you forgot the heaving.

Alex: The what?

Emma Dinsmore: In every book I've ever read, whenever there's an ample bosom, there's always heaving.

Alex: What?

Emma Dinsmore: You introduced the bosom. I'm just asking if you want them to heave.

Alex: Fine, let them heave.

Emma Dinsmore: What's your book about?

Alex: It's the story of a man who's frightened of commitment yet so desperately in love with a woman he's afraid it might kill him. It's a comedy.

Alex: I think I'm in love with you.

Emma Dinsmore: I think I couldn't care less.

Alex: He left like a man on a mission, a man on a mission with hot wet balls.

Alex: The grandmother lives!

[interrupting Elsa's rambling]

Alex: Elsa! You've struck oil - stop drilling!

Alex: I uh...

Emma Dinsmore: Well, I "uh" you too.

Emma Dinsmore: What is it with guys like Adam? Do they really like being driven crazy by women like Paulina? They're like lemmings running into the sea. They can't wait to be drowning in their own misery. If they're not in agony, then it can't be love! Why do men want women like that?

Alex: Maybe you're not picturing Paulina the way I'm picturing her.

Emma Dinsmore: Gorgeous? Exciting? Incredibly sexy?

Alex: Maybe you are.

Emma Dinsmore: Yeah, that's great for a weekend but what do you think will happen in the long run?

Alex: What do you mean, like the next weekend?

Emma Dinsmore: No. Like when it's time for the first laundry. I know, I know. In great romantic novels there is not laundry or there's people like Ylva or Elsa to do it. Maybe that's why I like them. They can wash their own clothes.

Alex: I can't deal with people!

Alex: Look, I really don't think Mary Poppins is going to rip us... do you?

Alex: How's that cake, Andra?

Andra: Dried.

Andra: You gained weight.

Alex: Excuse me?

Andra: You gained weight.

Alex: You animal! She was a virgin!

Mitchell Toblat: [In his wolf form] Well, she ain't anymore!

Jason: [to a man whose car broke down] Ah, yes, the ghost. Well, did you check this here, distributor?

Alex: You don't know what a fucking distributor is!

Samantha 'Sam' Marche: [Shoves him] Get outta my way.

Alex: What makes you think you could do any better?

Samantha 'Sam' Marche: I'm a mechanic, dickhead.

Alex: Hey, uh, maybe you could help us, too. We're looking for Bear Mountain. It's off of Fire Road 13.

Fulton Chaney: Uh-uh. You don't wanna go there.

Luke: Your eyes are so beautiful.

Alex: Because they are looking at you.

Luke: [Alternative DVD scene] You never stop believing in me. Why?

Alex: Soulmates believe.

Luke: You never gave up on me.

Alex: Never.

Luke: Yeah, never.

Alex: My mom says that meat is poisonous and can kill you.

Arlen Faber: And I say, if that's not the best hamburger you've ever had, I'll change my name to Denise and run into the sea.

Larry Lawrence: Must have been a frog in my throat.

Alex: It's better than havin' a knife in it.

Larry Lawrence: This is no penny ante game, Alex.

Alex: Well, what are you gonna get out of it?

Larry Lawrence: Heart failure.

Alex: I just love talking to luggage. I used to be a porter.

Alex: Hey, boss, you ain't goin' upstairs, are ya? Where those ghosts is?

Larry Lawrence: Listen, you stay there, and if a couple a fellas come runnin' down the stairs in a few minutes, let the first one go. That'll be me.

Alex: If somebody passes you, that'll be me.

Alex: Is that a mummy?

Larry Lawrence: Yes, it's her great-great-great grand-mummy.

Alex: A lot of folks don't like you, boss. I expect some of these mornings when I come to get you outta the bed, I'll have to pull the sheet up instead of down.

Larry Lawrence: You're bleached!

Alex: No, I ain't, boss. When I get scared, my albino blood shows through.

[Alex jumps on the assailant in armor struggling with Larry and pulls off the assailant's helmet to see a disfigured man]

Alex: [gasps] It's a zombie!

Larry Lawrence: It ain't Baby Stooks!

Alex: [to Mary] I'm Alex... the old family detainer.

Larry Lawrence: If that's Raspy Kelly, I owe him some money.

Alex: Well, from the tone of his infections, you better pay him.

Mary Carter: Who are you?

Alex: I'm Alex, the old family detainer.

[first lines]

Interviewer: So, where do you want to begin?

Alex: Where things always begin. In bed.

Alex: [narrating] I got the house, the furniture, his unpaid bills. But Tom got all our friends.

Alex: You want me to drive?

Stella: Yeah, if you drive then I can drink.

Nikki: Alex, please...

Stella: Oh, come on. Really Alex? We, we need you.

Alex: That's what every fixer loves to hear. That someone needs them.

Alex: [flash forward] I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just doing my job, ABC was my client. I was like Switzerland, or the military. Don't ask, don't tell. Right?

Alex: I just did what anyone would do if they woke up and found a dead hooker in their bed. I called my friends.

Alex: I understand about gay men. I adore gay men. If I had a penis, I'd BE a gay man. But I don't want to marry one. And I am not gonna be some housewife, and five, ten years down the road have you come home, "Hey, honey, I know you love surprises"...

Elly: You know, these aren't dresses. They're fucking costumes.

Alex: Well, maybe at least my costume will make it into the church.

Elly: Bitch!

Alex: That's Mrs. Bitch to you.

Diane Gerard: Ball!

Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga: Ball!

Diane Gerard: Good! Bounce the ball!

Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga: Bounce ball!

Diane Gerard: Good! Banana! Banana!

Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga: Banana!

Diane Gerard: Very good!

Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga: Bounce banana!

Diane Gerard: No!

Alex: I hope the next item isn't a hand grenade.

Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga: Cathy! Cathy! Cathy! Cathy!

Alex: Keep on saying that and you'll go blind.

Alex: He's going to kill me in the night and eat my clothes.

Joyce: Tell me more!

Alex: I haven't said a word yet.

Joyce: Tell me again!

Alex: I haven't said a word yet.

Joyce: Shut up. You talk too much.

Alex: Frank, pack die Wurst weg.

[translation: "Frank, put away that sausage."]

Alex: [translation] Could you be just a little quieter, please? You're pretty loud.

Jens: What do you mean?

Alex: Could your wear slippers?

Jens: I'm WEARING my sippers.

Alex: I don't want to seem impolite...

Jens: I could stuff your head up your ass, then you won't hear a thing.

Alex: [translation] It's strange with you women. First you want a tough guy, then you train him until he's housebroken, then you quit because he's too nice.

Alex: [translation] I think you're so afraid of being lied to that you can't be honest with yourself.

Nele: I'd rather lie to myself than accept being lied to by an old friend.

Alex: Save the pandas.

Alex: Fine! I'll double it. Another five grand.

Carlos: Hey, do you mind if I use that stick?

Alex: What stick?

Carlos: The one that's up your butt!

Alex: Why are you attracted to women?

Fergus: Because they're beautiful creatures!

Alex: Why do you think I am attracted to them?

Fergus: Because you're a lesbian!

Alex: It's kind of messed up to rob a blind guy, isn't it?

Alex: I'm getting out...

Alex: It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen.

Alex: No. No! NO! Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you! This is sin! This is sin! This is sin! It's a sin, it's a sin, it's a sin!

Dr. Brodsky: Sin? What's all this about sin?

Alex: That! Using Ludwig van like that! He did no harm to anyone. Beethoven just wrote music!

Dr. Branom: Are you referring to the background score?

Alex: Yes.

Dr. Branom: You've heard Beethoven before?

Alex: Yes!

Dr. Brodsky: So, you're keen on music?

Alex: YES!

Dr. Brodsky: Can't be helped. Here's the punishment element perhaps.

[last lines]

Alex: I was cured, all right!

[first lines]

Alex: There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Korova milkbar sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.

Alex: No time for the old in-n-out, love, I've just come to read the meter.

Conspirator: Do you still feel suicidal?

Alex: Well, put it this way, I feel very low in myself. I can't see much in the future, and I feel that any second something terrible is going to happen to me.

[slumps into spaghetti]

[listening to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony]

Alex: Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied, I knew such lovely pictures!

Alex: Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?

Female Psychaitrist: Now then. Each of the slides needs a reply from one of the people in the picture. You tell me what you think the person would say. Alright?

Alex: Righty right.

Female Psychaitrist: [Changes to a slide with two people looking at a peacock] "Isn't the plumage beautiful?"

Alex: I just say what the other person would say?

Female Psychaitrist: Yes.

Alex: Isn't the plumage beautiful...

Female Psychaitrist: Oh yes well don't think about it too long, just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

Alex: Cabbages, knickers, uh, it's not got a... A BEAK!

[laughs]

Female Psychaitrist: Good.

[Changes to a slide with a women and two boys]

Female Psychaitrist: "The boy you always quarrelled with is seriously ill."

Alex: My mind is a blank. Uh, and I'll smash your face for you, yarblockos!

[laughs]

Female Psychaitrist: Good.

[Changes slide to a man climbing into a naked woman's bedroom]

Female Psychaitrist: "What do you want?"

Alex: Uh, no time for the ol' in-out, love. I've just come to read the meter!

Female Psychaitrist: Good.

[Changes slide to a man in a clock store]

Female Psychaitrist: "You sold me a crummy watch, I want my money back."

Alex: You know what you can do with that watch? Stick it up your ass!

[laughs]

Female Psychaitrist: Good.

[Changes slide to woman handing bird eggs to a man]

Female Psychaitrist: "You can do whatever you like with these."

Alex: Eggiweggs. I would like... to smash them. And pick 'em all up, and THROW-

[moves injured arm]

Alex: OW! Fucking hell!

Female Psychaitrist: Well there, that's all there is to it. Are you alright?

Alex: Hope so. Is that the end then?

Female Psychaitrist: Yes.

Alex: I was quite enjoying that.

Female Psychaitrist: Good, I'm glad!

Alex: How many did I get right?

Female Psychaitrist: It's not that kind of a test, but you seem well on the way to making a complete recovery!

Alex: Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well.

Alex: Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!

Alex: As we walked along the flatblock marina, I was calm on the outside, but thinking all the time. So now it was to be Georgie the general, saying what we should do and what not to do, and Dim as his mindless greeding bulldog. But suddenly I viddied that thinking was for the gloopy ones and that the oomny ones use, like, inspiration and what Bog sends. For now it was lovely music that came to my aid. There was a window open with the stereo on and I viddied right at once what to do.

Alex: I woke up. The pain and sickness all over me like an animal. Then I realized what it was. The music coming up from the floor was our old friend, Ludwig Van, and the dreaded Ninth Symphony.

[Alex has just struck Dim on the legs]

Dim: What did you do that for?

Alex: For being a bastard with no manners, and not a dook of an idea how to comport yourself public-wise, O my brother.

Dim: I don't like you should do what you done, and I'm not your brother no more and wouldn't want to be.

Alex: Watch that. Do watch that, O Dim, if to continue to be on live thou dost wish.

Dim: Yarbles! Great bolshy yarblockos to you. I'll meet you with chain or nozh or britva anytime, not having you aiming tolchocks at me reasonless. Well, it stands to reason I won't have it.

Alex: A nozh scrap any time you say.

Dim: Doobidoob. A bit tired, maybe. Best not to say more. Bedways is rightways now, so best we go homeways and get a bit of spatchka. Right, right?

[Alex encounters his old friends, who are now police]

Alex: It's impossible! I can't believe it!

Georgie: Evidence of the ol' glassies! Nothing up our sleeves, no magic little Alex! A job for two who are now of job age! The police!

Alex: What you got back home, little sister, to play your fuzzy warbles on? I bet you got little save pitiful, portable picnic players. Come with uncle and hear all proper! Hear angel trumpets and devil trombones. You are invited.

[Alex chats up two girls sucking penis-shaped lollies]

Alex: Enjoying that are you my darlin'? Bit cold and pointless isn't it my lovely? What's happened to yours my little sister?

Alex: We were all feeling a bit shagged and fagged and fashed, it being a night of no small expenditure.

Minister: What crime did you commit?

Alex: The accidental killing of a person, sir.

Chief Guard Barnes: He brutally murdered a woman, sir, in furtherance of theft. Fourteen years, sir!

Minister: Excellent. He's enterprising, aggressive, outgoing, young, bold, vicious. He'll do.

Governor: Well, fine, we could still look at C-block...

Minister: No, no, no. That's enough. He's perfect. I want his records sent to me. This vicious young hoodlum will be transformed out of all recognition.

Alex: Thank you very much for this chance, sir.

Minister: Let's hope you make the most of it, my boy.

Alex: You needn't take it any further, sir. You've proved to me that all this ultraviolence and killing is wrong, wrong, and terribly wrong. I've learned me lesson, sir. I've seen now what I've never seen before. I'm cured! Praise god!

Dr. Brodsky: You're not cured yet, boy.

Alex: I jumped, O my brothers, and I fell hard but I did not snuff it, oh no. if I had snuffed it, I would not be here to tell what I have told.

Alex: Hi, hi, hi there! At last we meet. Our brief govoreet through the letter-hole was not, shall we say, satisfactory, yes?

Alex: It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now to give it the perfect ending was a bit of the old Ludwig van.

Alex: Hey dad, there's a strange fella sittin' on the sofa munchy-wunching lomticks of toast.

Dad: That's Joe. He lives here now. The lodger, that's what he is. He rents your room.

Alex: Initiative comes to thems that wait.

[Alex has the tramp pinned down]

Tramp: Well, go on, do me in you bastard cowards! I don't want to live anyway, not in a stinking world like this!

Alex: Oh? And what's so stinking about it?

Tramp: It's a stinking world because there's no law and order anymore! It's a stinking world because it lets the young get on to the old, like you done. Oh, it's no world for an old man any longer. What sort of a world is it at all? Men on the moon, and men spinning around the earth, and there's not no attention paid to earthly law and order no more.

[He starts singing another song, and Alex and his droogs proceed to beat him]

Alex: Suddenly, I viddied what I had to do, and what I had wanted to do, and that was to do myself in; to snuff it, to blast off for ever out of this wicked, cruel world. One moment of pain perhaps and, then, sleep for ever, and ever and ever.

Alex: Naughty, naughty, naughty! You filthy old soomka!

Frank Alexander: Food alright?

Alex: Great sir, great!

Frank Alexander: Try the wine!

Alex: Excuse me, Mrs. Can you please help? There's been a terrible accident! My friend's in the middle of the road bleeding to death! Can I please use your telephone for an ambulance?

Minister: Oh, yes. I understand you're fond of music. I have arranged a little surprise for you.

Alex: Surprise?

Minister: One that I hope that you will like. As a um... how shall we put it? As a symbol of our new understanding. An understanding between two friends.

Minister: Punishment means nothing to them, you can see that. They enjoy their so-called punishment.

Alex: You're absolutely right, sir.

Chief Guard Barnes: Shut your bleeding hole!

Alex: Appy-polly-loggies. I had something of a pain in the gulliver so had to sleep. I was not awakened when I gave orders for wakening.

P.R. Deltoid: [giggling maniacally] You are now a murderer, Alex! A murderer!

Alex: Not true, sir. It was only a slight tolchock. She was breathing, I swear it!

P.R. Deltoid: I've just come from the hospital! Your victim has died!

Alex: You try to frighten me, admit so, sir. This is some new form of torture! Say it, Brother Sir.

P.R. Deltoid: It'll be your own torture. I hope to God it'll torture you to madness!

Det. Const. Tom: [to Deltoid] If you'd like to give him a quick bash in the chops, sir, don't mind us. We'll hold him down. He must be a great disappointment to you, sir.

[Deltoid slowly gathers saliva and spits in Alex's face]

Minister: As I was saying, Alex, you can be instrumental in changing the public verdict. Do you understand, Alex? Have I made myself clear?

Alex: As an unmuddied lake, friend. As clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, friend.

Alex: What we were after now was the old surprise visit. That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolent.

Alex: I've suffered the tortures of the damned, sir

[with innocent reinforcement]

Alex: tortures of the damned.

Alex: The Durango '95 purred away a real horrowshow - a nice, warm vibraty feeling all through your guttiwuts. And soon it was trees and dark, my brothers, with real country dark.

Alex: And the first thing that flashed into my gulliver was that I'd like to have her right down there on the floor with the old in-out, real savage.

Alex: Hi, hi, hi, Mr. Deltoid!

Mum: But you've not been to school all week, son.

Alex: Got to rest, Mum. Got to get fit. Otherwise I'm liable to miss a lot more school.

Frank Alexander: [hears knocking on the door] Who on Earth could that be?

Julian: I'll see who it is.

[goes to the front door]

Julian: Yes, what is it?

Alex: [barely audible] Help... please... help... help.

Julian: [opens the door and Alex collapses at the doorway. He carries Alex into the house] Frank, I think this young man needs some help.

Frank Alexander: [surprised by Alex's poor condition] My God! What happened to you, my boy?

Alex: [voice-over] And would you believe it, o my brothers and only friends. There was your faithful narrator being held helpless, like a babe in arms, and suddenly realizing where he was and why home on the gate had looked so familiar, but I knew I was safe. For in those care-free days, I and my so-called droogies wore our maskies, which were like real horror-show disguises.

Alex: [nervous] Police... ghastly horrible police... they beat me up, sir.

[sees Frank has a foul look on his face, apparently not believing him]

Alex: The police beat me up, sir.

Frank Alexander: [excited] I know you!

[pauses]

Frank Alexander: Isn't it your picture in the newspapers? Didn't I see you on the video this morning? Are you not the poor victim of this horrible new technique?

Alex: [relieved] Yes, sir! That's exactly who I am and what I am, sir. A victim, sir!

Frank Alexander: Then, by God, you've been sent here by providence! Tortured in prison, then thrown out to be tortured by the police. My heart goes out to you, poor, poor boy. Oh, you are not the first to come here in distress. The police are fond of bringing their victims to the outskirts of this village. But it is providential that you, who are also another kind of victim should come here.

Frank Alexander: [finally remembering Alex's state] Oh, but you're cold and shivering. Julian, draw a bath for this young man.

Julian: Certainly, Frank.

Alex: [as he is being carried off by Julian] Thank you very much, sir. God bless you, sir.

Alex: One thing I could never stand was to see a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blurp blurp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking, rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was real old like this one was.

Minister: You seem to have a whole ward to yourself, my boy.

Alex: Yes, sir, and a very lonely place it is too, sir, when I wake up in the middle of the night with my pain.

Minister: Yes... well, good to see you on the mend!

Alex: Where's my snake?

Dad: Well, he... he met with like an accident. He passed away.

Alex: What are we gonna do? Talk about me sex life?

Psychiatrist: Oh, no. I'm going to show you some slides and you're going to tell me what you think about them. Alright?

Alex: Jolly good. Do you know anything about dreams?

Psychiatrist: Something, yes.

Alex: Do you know what they mean?

Psychiatrist: Perhaps. Are you concerned about something?

Alex: Oh, no, no... not concerned really. But I've been having this very nasty dream. Very nasty.

Psychiatrist: Now, each of these slides needs a reply from somebody in the picture. You tell me what you think the person would say. Alright?

Alex: Righty-right.

Georgie: [They've just stopped a band of tramps from beating up Alex] What's the trouble, sir?

Alex: [looks up and recognizes them] Oh no!

Dim: Well. Well, well. Well, well, well, well, if it isn't little Alex. Long time no viddy, droog. How goes?

Alex: It's... it's impossible. I don't believe it.

Georgie: Evidence of the old glazzies. Nothing up their sleeves. No magic, little Alex. A job for two, who are now of job age. The police.

Chief Guard Barnes: Are you able to see the white line painted on the floor directly behind you, Six-Double-Five-Three-Two-One?

Alex: Yes, sir.

Chief Guard Barnes: Then your toes belong on the *other* side of it!

Alex: Hi, hi, hi, Mr. Deltoid. Funny surprise, seeing you here.

P.R. Deltoid: Ah, Alex boy! Awake at last, yes? I met your mother on the way to work, yes? She gave me the key. She said something about a pain somewhere, hence not at school, yes?

Alex: A rather intolerable pain in the head, brother sir. I think it should be clear by this after lunch.

P.R. Deltoid: Mmm. Or certainly by this evening, yes? The evening's the great time, isn't it, Alex boy? Hmm?

Alex: Cup of the old chai, sir?

P.R. Deltoid: No time, no time, yes. Sit, sit, sit!

Alex: To what do I owe this extreme pleasure, sir? Anything wrong, sir?

P.R. Deltoid: Wrong? Why should you think of anything being wrong? Have you been doing something you shouldn't, yes?

Alex: Just a manner of speech, sir.

P.R. Deltoid: Yes. Well, it's just a manner of speech from your post-corrective advisor to you that you watch out, little Alex, because next time, it's not going to be the corrective school anymore. Next time, it's going to be the barley place and all my work ruined. If you've no respect for your horrible self, you at least might have some for me, who've sweated over you. A big black mark, I tell you, for every one we don't reclaim. A confession of failure for every one of you who ends up in the stripy hole.

Alex: I've been doing nothing I shouldn't, sir. The Millicents have nothing on me, brother. Sir, I mean.

P.R. Deltoid: Cut out this clever talk about Millicents. Just because the police haven't picked you up lately doesn't, as you very well know, mean that you've not been up to some nastiness. That was a bit of a nastiness last night, yes? Some very extreme nastiness, yes? A few of a certain Billy Boy's friends were ambulanced off late, yes. Your name was mentioned. The words got through to me by the usual channels. Certain friends of yours were named also. Oh, nobody can prove anything about anybody, as usual. But I'm warning you, little Alex, being a good friend to you, as always, the one man in this sore and sick community who wants to save you from yourself!

[pause]

P.R. Deltoid: What gets into all? We studied the problem. We've been studying it for damn well near a century, yes, but we get no further with our studies. You got a good home here. Good, loving parents. You've got not too bad of a brain. Is it some devil that crawls inside of you?

Alex: Nobody's got anything on me, brother sir. I've been out of the rookers of the Millicents for a long time now.

P.R. Deltoid: That's just what worries me. A bit too long to be safe. You're about due now, by my reckoning. That's why I'm warning you, little Alex, to keep your handsome young proboscis out of the dirt. Do I make myself clear?

Alex: As an unmuddied lake, sir. As clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, sir.

Alex: So I waited and, O my brothers, I got a lot better munching away at eggiwegs, and lomticks of toast and lovely steakiwegs and then, one day, they said I was going to have a very special visitor.

[the Minister enters]

Minister: Good evening, my boy.

Alex: Missus! It's a matter of life and death!

Alex: Naughty, Naughty, Naughty.You Filthy Old Soomka.

Marcus: I want to fuck your ass.

Alex: I thought you were romantic.

Alex: I've been reading the most amazing book.

Marcus: So what is it?

Alex: It says that the future is already written. It's all there. And the proof lies in premonitory dreams.

Pierre: Wow! It's putting us to sleep already!

Marcus: Even dreams are bad news.

Pierre: I often dream I'm sleeping. It's my only dream.

Alex: Well, at least you relax!

Alex: You know what people say? There are no women who can't come, only men who can't fuck.

Alex: So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

Alex: [after Eric gets into the shower with him] Well this is it. We're gonna die today. I've never even kissed anyone before, have you?

[Alex and Eric start kissing each other]

[last lines]

Alex: Eeney... Meeney... Meiny... Moe... Catch a... Tiger... By its... Toe...

[last lines]

Nathan: You're fuckin' sick. Don't do this.

Alex: Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

John McFarland: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Alex: Get the fuck out and don't come back! Some heavy shit's going down!

Girl in Cafeteria: What are you writing?

Alex: Uh, this? It's my plan.

Girl in Cafeteria: For what?

Alex: Oh, you'll see.

Alex: Most importantly, have fun, man.

Alex: [to Eric] The kids will be coming in all directions and we'll be able to pick them off one by one.

Alex: So how did you do?

Alex: I just feel like there's something outside of normal life. Outside of teachers, breakups, girlfriends. Like, right out there, like outside - there's like different levels of... stuff.

Jared: Dude, we should go check out Paranoid Park.

Alex: Dude, I don't think I'm ready for Paranoid Park.

Jared: Yeah, but no one's ever really ready for Paranoid Park.

Detective Richard Lu: No mayo? You got to have mayo on that.

Alex: Mayo is sick.

Macy: They should be out now, dude.

Alex: What are you talkin' about?

Macy: The war, Iraq, no? What do you think?

Alex: I really don't care.

[first lines]

Alex: Oh. Hey Uncle Tommy.

Uncle Tommy: Hey.

Alex: You need to feed the eyes for your dreams.

Alex: Someday it will be like we already lived.

Alex: I was a frighteningly silent child, apparently. I kept silent... but that's not right. Silence keeps us.

Alex: I like the radio. You just turn it on, and you get the very tune that was humming inside your head... You'll see. It's magic.

Oleg: You like the house, don't you?

Anna: I hate this house. I hate it. I hate everything it stands for. And I will never live in this house, and neither will Alex.

Alex: Aw, come on!

Anna: We are leaving tomorrow.

Oleg: [slams his hand on the table] Now you listen to me. I bought this fucking house for you. If you ever want to see another penny from me, then you're going to fucking live here and we are gonna be a fucking family, and that's an order.

Anna: [after Oleg leaves the room] Over my dead body.

Deema: Hey, don't play with guns. It's not a toy.

Alex: Fuck you!

Marie: Before Christ was a time of orgies. Then came love.

Alex: Love's less fun.

Marie: Probably. In orgies you give your all. No more, no less. In love, it's never enough. It's always too much or not enough.

Alex: I didn't believe in the world. I never had. I've always known it was a bad dream.

Detective Joiner: Watcha got there?

Alex: Dog shit. Look, the thickest portion of the shit probably came from where the heel and the sole meet, forming a perfect footprint.

Lee: This is all in your head!

Alex: My head? you broke it. You broke it!

Alex: We have to go to the police.

Joe: Yeah? and say what? We tried to scare this girl. It all went a bit too far and we accidentally killed her... my bad.

Alex: Yes.

Alex: I don't think I've ever been in a church before.

Joe: They're beautiful aren't they?

Alex: Yeah.

Joe: You should come here more often.

Alex: Yeah... I don't know.

Joe: Why?

Joe, Alex: They're not really for me.

Becky: What if Joe is right?

Alex: What if Joe is wrong? what if we are the ones who need to be punished... what if we are the fallen angels?

Joe: When I meet one... a you know what... he shows me that they need to be punished... he stripped me of my human eyes, so I can now see them for what they really are. I wish you could see it Alex, it's incredible...

Alex: What do you see?

Joe: Words cannot describe it.

Alex: How often do you see them?

Joe: Every day.

Alex: How can I see them too?

Joe: Ask for new eyes, like I did.

Alex: If you're really there. Forgive me.

Rashad: Also, when we get the funds, we should gather all the parents at your church, Reverend Blunton, and you give an encouraging speech before handing over the check to the principal of Stuyvesant.

Rev. Jones: An encouraging speech.

Rashad: Yeah. I could hear it now. Blunton giving a speech, directed at the poor black folks, denouncing further spending on depreciable products while investing more in their children's education. We'll be leading by example when handing over the check.

Sandra: What?

Alex: Poor black people?

Rashad: Blunton can also encourage everyone to start celebrate black intellectual ability, not just athletes and rappers.

Courtney: Who doesn't do that now?

Rashad: Most black people I grew up with.

Blunton: I'm not doing anything of the kind.

Rashad: Why not? The dropout rate was at its highest last year at the Stuy. Education is no big deal to them.

Sandra: Rashad. It would make Cal look like a... middle class elitist.

Alex: An obnoxious, middle class elitist.

Courtney: A non authentically black, obnoxious, middle class elitist.

[from trailer]

Alex: If you don't let me out of here with this fucking record player: I swear to God I'll fucking shoot ya!

Alex: I'm so sorry... just please... stay. Just tell me the truth, just tell me what happened. I don't care, I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore. Listen to me, I'm in love with you. If you stay I promise there's no safer place in the world than with me. You don't have to be scared... I love you... please stay.

Roger: When did we start selling paint?

Alex: Today.

Alex: You actually catch this?

Katie: I speared it.

Alex: You gigged it?

Katie: I gigged it? I gigged it.

Katie: Does is get better... with time?

Alex: Yeah... Yeah... At first I tried to avoid every place we went together. I tried to put it behind me. I tried to... step forward. But it just didn't work. And I realized if I'm not thinking about her then who is. She didn't deserve that; she was an amazing woman and I loved her, and I want my children to know that.

Alex: Did you forget something?

Lexie: You forgot your bike!

Roger: Well the weather reports wrong.

Alex: They have instruments for this: thermometers, barometer, tons of other crap. You have an arthritic knee.

Alex: Grab a book!

Lexie: Yeah, they'e really good books.

Alex: How do you know, you didn't read any of them.

Alex: Do you like canoeing?

Store Customer: I like canoeing.

Alex: You know normally when someone does something nice, you just say 'Thank You'.

Alex: So why South Port?

Katie: It's like this, a clean empty canvas.

Alex: So you're starting over.

Josh: Why do you have to take pictures?

Alex: I don't know Josh, maybe cause I want to be able to remember this stuff.

Alex: [to Jimmy] So how come they call you rabbit?

Future: Cause he's fast and he likes to fuck a lot.

Alex: [after having sex] You were so good outside.

B. Rabbit: In line at a lunch truck?

Alex: Are you asking me out on a date Jimmy Smith Jr?

B. Rabbit: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.

Alex: Why don't you take me somewhere now?

Alex: So, I hear you're a real dope rapper.

Jimmy Smith Jr: A "dope rapper?"

Alex: [Alex and Jimmy are sitting near the burning house] It's almost beautiful.

Jimmy Smith Jr: You know, when I was younger, I always wanted to live in a house like this, you know... how it was used to be.

Alex: Why did you take off?

B. Rabbit: I don't really live here.

Alex: So? Why did you take off?

Anna: [going through Rachael's stuff] Geez when are they bringing in the stripper pole.

Alex: I know, she's like a crack-whore without the dignity.

Alex: Basically, when you die your spirit leaves your body, actually at first you can see all your life, like reflected in a magic mirror. Then you start floating like a ghost, you can see anything happening around you, you can hear everything but you can't communicate. Then you see lights, lights of all different colours, these lights are the doors that pull you into other planes of existence, but most people actually like this world so much, that they don't want to be taken away, so the whole thing turns into a bad trip, and the only way out is to get reincarnated.

Alex: DMT only lasts for six minutes, but it really seems like an eternity. It releases the same chemical your brain receives when you die. It's a little like dying would be the ultimate trip.

Alex: You know the good thing about LSD, if you can manage to overcome your fears, you can take your hallucinations wherever you want.

Alex: I bumped into your sister.

Oscar: Yeah?

Alex: Yeah. Following that cunt, Mario.

Oscar: Fucking hate that guy.

Alex: I can't believe she's going out with him, you know?

Oscar: If she ever gets pregnant, I'll kill the baby. I swear to God.

Alex: You know, there is a big difference between taking psychedelics and being a dealer, you know?

Oscar: I said I'm not a dealer.

Alex: Man, you're a dealer and you're a motherfucker, man. I can't believe you're fucking that old bitch, you know? You're in Tokyo. There's a lot of fucking cute chicks everywhere, and you're fucking some old bitch. And she's a foreigner as well. At least if you were fucking a Japanese old bitch, you know?

Oscar: She fucked me.

Alex: The drug guy, he's a dirty bastard you know. Yeah, he likes boys.

Oscar: Who is this?

Alex: Bruno, the guy that gave me drugs. Don't even take a drink. You take a drink, you might wake up two days later with his shit in your mouth, you know.

[pause]

Alex: Or your own shit, you know. I should be able to get him to see you today but I won't come back with you so you should be careful. You know what his new trick is? He can't even be turned on by fucking now, so what he does is...

Oscar: [looking over the balcony] Hey... I'm not gonna *jump* from here, am I?

Alex: Hey, once a new guy gives him a blowjob, yeah, he sticks his finger inside his own ass, and then he wipes his finger on the back of their head. So they walk around with shit on their hair.

Alex: You know what this reminds me?

Oscar: What?

Alex: Smoking. It reminds me of sucking on my mother's nipples. Best thing in my life.

Oscar: Yeah, freak... When is this acid gonna be hitting me?

[Oscar pulls out a bag of pills from a decoy soda can]

Alex: You're not taking everything, are you?

Oscar: No, only his share.

Alex: Man, that's a lot of gear!

Oscar: Yeah...

Alex: Shit, that's fucking dangerous, you know. You should let him come and fucking pick it up himself.

Oscar: No, he won't come by here anymore. Not after what happened with his mother.

Alex: What, he found out?

Oscar: Yeah.

Alex: How did he find out?

Oscar: I don't wanna talk about it.

[from trailer]

Alex: She's more real to me than anything I've ever known.

Kate: He's not my boyfriend.

Alex: What is he, then? Your brother?

Kate: Oh, we have a comedian! What, did you eat clown for breakfast?

Alex: Wonderful. Our first fight.

[from trailer]

Alex: [voice over] How's your sunset?

Kate: It's perfect.

Alex: I only wish you were here to share it with me.

[from trailer]

Alex: Pick a place. I'll be there, I promise.

Alex: I saw her. I kissed her. I love her.

Hostess: And when were you hoping to dine with us?

Alex: Two years from tomorrow.

Hostess: Two years from tomorrow?

Alex: Yeah.

Hostess: Two years?

Alex: From tomorrow.

Simon Wyler: Where's your brother?

Alex: I sent him away. He wasn't feeling well. You know how he is, he worries.

Simon Wyler: Yeah, I know. He gets that from your mother, I'm afraid. She always worried too much.

Alex: What are you looking at?

[looking at architectural plans]

Simon Wyler: Hmm? Oh, yeah, here, take a gander. It's a proposal for a museum.

Alex: Who is it?

Simon Wyler: Someone new.

Alex: Oh, I like the walkways, where the light falls. What are the materials?

Simon Wyler: Granite. Aluminum.

Alex: White panels are straight out of Meier... but the interior color coming through the front windows, that's different. It's not new, but it's clean, uncluttered. I like it.

Simon Wyler: When was the last time you were in Barcelona?

Alex: Years ago, with you, Mom and Henry.

Simon Wyler: Do you remember visiting Casa de la Caritat?

Alex: The almshouse.

Simon Wyler: That's right. You mentioned Meier. His Barcelona museum stands in the same area as Casa de la Caritat. It drinks the same light. Meier designed a series of louvered skylights to capture that light and cast it inward to illuminate the art within, but indirectly. And, that was important, because although light enhances art, it can also degrade it. But, you know all that already, you son of a gun. Now, this... where do you suppose this is to be built?

Alex: I have no idea.

Simon Wyler: Oh, but you said you liked it.

Alex: Conceptually.

Simon Wyler: Now, come on. You know as well as I do that the light in Barcelona is quite different from the light in Tokyo. And, the light in Tokyo is different from that in Prague. A truly great structure, one that is meant to stand the tests of time never disregards its environment. A serious architect takes that into account. He knows that if he wants presence, he must consult with nature. He must be captivated by the light. Always the light. Always.

Alex: Don't give up on me.

Simon Wyler: Come on. Tell me. Where have you been?

Alex: [a long pause] I've been trying to forget you and forgive you.

Simon Wyler: Did you succeed?

Alex: No.

Alex: What's it like in the year 2006?

Kate: Well, I'm afraid the world's pretty much the same. Of course, we all dress in shiny metal jumpsuits and drive flying cars and no one talks anymore because we can read each other's minds... but, the truth is, from the past, not much has really changed in 2006.

[from trailer]

Kate: [voice over] Dear new tenant, welcome to your new home. I'm sure you'll love living here as much as I did.

Alex: What do you mean lived here?

Kate: Since no one has lived in this house for years.

Alex: He could build a house. But he couldn't build a home.

Kate: Okay, my mystery correspondent, I get it - just in case you really are where and when you think you are, you'll need this

[he takes out a scarf from his mailbox]

Kate: . There was a freak late snow and everyone got sick. So, plenty of rest, lots of fluids. Doctor's orders.

Alex: [sarcastically] Snow. Right.

[from trailer]

Henry Wyler: Do you have a girlfriend?

Alex: Uh, you're going to think I'm crazy.

Alex: There should be a stairway down to the water, a porch, a deck. Here, you're in a - in a box. A glass box with a view to everything that's around you... but you can't touch it. No interconnection between you and what you're looking at.

Henry Wyler: I don't know, you know. He's got this big maple growing right in the middle of the house.

Alex: Containment.

[He pushes a button which opens a glass door]

Alex: Containment and control. This house is about ownership, not connection. I mean, it's beautiful. Seductive, even. But, it's incomplete.

[He pauses]

Alex: It was all about him. Dad knew how to build a house, not a home. But you know... I think he wants us to do what he couldn't. But, admitting that would mean admitting that he came up short in some way... that he could do more. And that tortures him.

Henry Wyler: Do you remembering being here with Mom?

Alex: I remember she tried to make it work here... with us... with him.

[from trailer]

Alex: This house is about connections.

Henry Wyler: So, do you have a girlfriend?

Alex: Er, no... no.

Henry Wyler: You hesitated.

Alex: [after he saw her at the subway station in 2004] I don't know if you remember but, we saw each other. That is, I saw you. You never told me... how beautiful you were.

Kate: Well, maybe you saw someone else. That was a bad hair year for me.

Alex: Long brown hair, gentle unguarded eyes...

Kate: OK, OK. You saw me. But I still don't know what you look like.

Kate: It was you. Why didn't you tell me?

Alex: You would've thought I was crazy or drunk. Or both.

Alex: I'm an architect. I like to build.

Alex: I'm married too. I've got eight children and none of them look like me. I'm worried, Kate.

Kate: I would be too.

Alex: [chuckles] I'm single.

Alex: You've got some nice pieces here.

Simon Wyler: Oh, yeah. Music's fine, music helps. It's like Nietzche says... Life would be...

Alex: Senseless with music.

[from trailer]

Kate: [voice over] Ridiculous. For argument's sake, what day is it there?

Alex: April 14th, 2004.

Kate: No. It's April 14th, 2006.

Alex: It's the same day two years apart.

[from trailer]

Kate: It's not meant to be.

Alex: No, don't say that. Something must've happened.

Alex: [chasing his dog] Jack!

Morgan: You should keep him on a leash.

Alex: Her.

Alex: We're not gonna see anything bigger than a chipmunk!

Alex: Love makes you do crazy things, insane things, things in a million years you never thought you'd see yourself do. There you are doing it... can't help it.

Alex: You want a cup of coffee?

Matthew: Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Alex: [rummages around in the kitchen] No. No. No. No.

Alex: [comes back with coffee in two flutes of champagne glasses] He broke all my cups.

Matthew: That's original.

[Matthew let's Alex try and tell him and Luke the whole story]

Matthew: What do you think, Alex? I mean you know the whole story.

Alex: It's easy to stand back and judge. You don't now anything about this woman.

Matthew: I know that she has no conscience, and no regard for anyone but herself. I mean, what else do I need to know?

Alex: You make yourself into such a victim. Nobody made you be with her. You can't even see what a hypocrite you're being.

Matthew: I'm being a hypocrite? How am I being a hypocrite?

Alex: Yes, you are!

Luke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You, guys. Hey, relax.

Matthew: No, Luke. Hey, hold on. Alex, I'd like for you to explain to me on how I'm being a hypocrite.

Alex: Who's to say, this woman hasn't been in love with you for a really long time? And now that she found you again, she wasn't about to let you go twice.

Matthew: What?

Alex: Maybe... The first time she saw you, maybe she felt the way you did the first time you saw Lisa. You remember that. Love makes you do crazy things. Insane things. Things in a million years you never thought you'd see yourself do. But here you are doin' it. Can't help it.

Luke: Jesus Christ. Lighten up, you guys. This woman... She's a nut. She's psycho. She's Cuckoo-Bananas, all right? End of story.

[Matthew is asleep after drinking late with Alex]

Matthew: [Matthew is startled by Alex and wakes up] What are you doing?

Alex: [smiles] I'm watching you sleep.

[Alex undresses for Matthew to make love to her]

Alex: Now you see me for who I am.

Matthew: Yes I do.

[the theatre director coaches Alex that she's not giving any love in her performance]

Alex: [Alex gives her line] Whoe'er I woo myself would be his wife.

Theater Director: [the theater director interrupts her] Alex, what's going on?

Alex: What do you mean?

Theater Director: Well, I'm sitting in the audience and I'm getting nothing. I figured maybe I'm missing something, so I come, I take a closer look. But you know what? I'm still not buying it.

[screams at her]

Theater Director: What the hell is a matter with you today? Look, the line,

[quotes]

Theater Director: whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife, defines your character. You're in love with this guy, and he is asking you to help him get another woman! You're upset, you're confused, it's tearing you up inside! We gotta see the love, but we've also gotta see the agony. You have been in love before, haven't you?

Alex: Yes. Sure.

Theater Director: Oh, good. Well, please. Share us a little something, huh?

[Matthew shows up to Lisa's home and finds Alex, who says she's Lisa]

Matthew: Lisa?

[Alex gasps and turns around, only to see Matthew before wrestling him to the ground]

Matthew: [Alex screams and bites Matthew's hand in the scuffle] Ow!

Matthew: [Alex and Matthew get up and face each other] Jesus Christ! I'm sorry. It's okay.

Alex: I'm calling the police! Where is the phone?

Matthew: No! Don't call the police! Don't call the police. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Alex: [Alex grabs a bronze statue for a weapon] Get away from me.

Matthew: Okay! Okay! Calm down! Calm down. It's okay. I'm you a friend of Lisa's?

Alex: A friend of Lisa's?

Matthew: Yeah.

Alex: Is that supposed to be funny?

Matthew: No. You can ask her when she comes, okay?

Alex: I'm Lisa. I live here.

Matthew: Your name's Lisa?

Alex: Yeah.

Matthew: And you live here?

Alex: Yeah.

Matthew: No...

Alex: I'm calling the cops.

Matthew: No, wait. Don't.

[Matthew and Alex make up with a few drinks after he startles her in the apartment]

Alex: [tipsy giggling] How's your hand?

Matthew: It's okay.

Alex: [laughs] I wasn't even hungry or anything.

[referring to the time she bit it]

Matthew: Actually, you know what? Thank you for everything. For the bandage, for not calling the cops. Not beating me to death with the little bronze ballerina, or...

Alex: [giggles] You're leaving?

Matthew: [downs his drink] Yeah. I'm late, you know. Very late, actually, for China, so...

Alex: [giggles] China. That's funny.

Matthew: That's what my friend said, too.

Alex: Well, maybe you should wait.

Matthew: I can't, I mean... I gotta go.

Alex: Do you really think planes are still taking off this late?

Matthew: What are you doing?

Alex: I'm scared.

[Luke drives Alex home after her Theater performance and tries to make a move]

Luke: So, I was thinking, maybe I could go upstairs with you and I'll make you a nice big cup of hot chocolate. Put a bunch of little marshmallows up on top. We'll watch TV and just hang out.

Alex: Do you love me?

[Luke pauses]

Alex: [Alex changes her expression and instead kisses Luke a cheek kiss goodnight] I just wanna be alone. I'll call you. I'll call you tomorrow.

Luke: Alex. Alex, wait a second. You gotta be kidding me. This girl's unbelievable.

[Luke gets out of the car]

Luke: Hey, you know what? Don't call me, okay? Don't call me until you figure out what you want to do with your life. 'Cause I can't deal with this. I mean every time, it's a different story with you, all right?

[Alex continues to walk backwards to her building away from Luke]

Luke: Wait, I... I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow. God!

[Luke gets back into his car]

Luke: This girl is ridiculous.

[Alex films Lisa with her new video camera]

Lisa: Come on, let me film you.

Alex: No, you first.

Lisa: Come on, Alex. Are you shy? You can't be shy if you wanna be an actress.

Lisa: [Lisa holds up a book] Here.

Alex: Shakespeare.

Lisa: [Lisa continues to hold the book up to Alex and the camera] This is your big break.

Alex: That's Shakespeare. I can't do that. That's too hard.

Lisa: [Lisa begins to quote Shakespeare at the camera] Haply, when I shall wed. That lord whose hand must take my plight shall carry half my love with him, half my care and duty. Surely I shall never marry like my sisters to love my father all.

[Alex begins to grows jealous of Lisa's natural acting ability]

Lisa: So true, my lord. In life... Ah! I blew it. I'm sorry. That was bad.

Alex: No, that was amazing.

Lisa: [Lisa tells Alex through the camera] You know, the thing with acting is, Alex, you just have to commit. Otherwise, you're just a phony.

[Alex remembers the flashback of when she told Lisa that Matthew had been sleeping with another girl, which was a complete lie]

Alex: [Alex cries to realize how horrible of a person she is, with Luke on the other side of her dressing room door] Luke, I'm so sorry.

Luke: No. Shh. It's okay.

Alex: I'm so sorry.

Luke: No. Please, don't apologize. Please. God. I know you're doing the best you can. I just... I want to you to know that I... that I love you. All right? And I don't want to play games anymore. What's the point? I'm just terrible at them anyways.

[Matthew calls Luke on the phone while Alex is in bed with Luke]

Luke: [the phone rings] Do me a favor. Grab that, would you?

Alex: Hello?

Luke: [Matthew on the phone] Hello?

Alex: Who's this?

Luke: Who's this?

Luke: This is Matthew. Who is this?

[Alex sits up in shock and immediately hands the phone over to Luke]

Luke: Hello?

Luke: Hey, what's up, kid? I thought you left.

Matthew: No, uhh...

Luke: What are you still doing here?

Matthew: I'm over at the girl's apartment.

[Alex listens from the next room over]

Luke: You went back to the crazy girl's apartment? What the hell are you doing there? I'm starting to worry about you, man.

Luke: I'm starting to worry myself. It's not just that. I couldn't even get on the airplane.

[Alex leaves Luke's apartment]

Matthew: The thing is... There's something about this apartment. It's like Lisa's been here. I know this sounds insane, but I think this is her place, man.

[Alex tries to call Matthew and gets a busy signal, and Lisa tries to call Luke and gets a busy signal]

Luke: Well, maybe you're just hot for this crazy girl. First thing you gotta do is get out of her apartment and get over here. I'll tell you about some stuff, too. I've had the most amazing night of my entire life last night.

Matthew: Okay, I'll be over. Just give me a couple of minutes, okay?

Luke: All right. I'll wait. Later.

[the phone rings and Luke hopes that Matthew can fix things with Alex over the phone]

Luke: I hope, for our friendship, this is who I want it to be. Want to see how cool I am? Three rings.

[Luke answers the phone]

Luke: Hello? Hey, how's it goin'? Oh, I'm so sorry. Did you get my message-ges. No, I lent my car to my buddy Matt, and he was a little late coming home. No, sure. He's right here. Hold on a sec. She wants to talk to you.

[hands over the phone to Matthew]

Luke: Fix it. You have to fix it.

Matthew: [Luke hovers near the phone to listen in] Hello?

Alex: [Alex on the other end of the phone] He's full of shit, isn't he?

Matthew: Yeah, he's full of shit, all right.

Alex: Yeah, I knew it.

Matthew: He didn't lend me his car. I took it. I stole his keys.

Luke: [whispers] That's good.

Alex: Why would you do that?

Matthew: Because I'm a selfish idiot. And I had this whole thing going on that... I don't wanna bore you with it.

Alex: Please, I insist.

Matthew: Okay. Well, um... I was looking for somebody. A woman. I wasn't thinking. Got a little desperate.

Alex: Oh, I'm sorry.

Matthew: No. I should be apologizing to you. And I am apologizing to you. I'm very sorry that I ruined your evening.

Alex: Did you find her?

Matthew: I think so. Yeah. I found where she lives.

Alex: Well, you should go back, and you should look for her.

Matthew: I think I will. Thanks.

Luke: [whispers] Okay, you're boring now. Give me the phone.

Matthew: Okay, Alex. I gotta go.

Alex: Nice to talk to you.

Matthew: Nice to talk to you, too. Bye - bye.

Matthew: [looks at Luke handing him the phone] She's nice, man.

Luke: [smiles] Thanks.

[Lisa calls Luke's phone number that Matthew left with the bartender for her]

Luke: Hello?

Lisa: Hi, ummm... may I speak to Matthew, please?

Luke: Who is this?

Lisa: Um, this is Lisa? I'm a friend of his. I'm calling about my compact. I think he might have found it.

Luke: Uh, which Lisa is this?

Lisa: Pardon me?

Luke: [Luke grabs his head at how dumb of a question that sounded] Uh, I'll tell you what. He's actually supposed to be here in a couple of minutes.

Matthew: [At the same time, the camera goes to Alex calling Matthew so that he doesn't leave to go to Luke's home] Hello?

Alex: Hello!

Matthew: Hi.

Alex: Hi. I'm sorry I didn't come back. My, um... Double shift turned into a triple, and I just couldn't get away.

Matthew: It's okay. Don't worry about it.

Alex: Are you mad?

Matthew: No. Not at all. I had a great time. Where are you?

Alex: Well, I'm still at work but, um, I'm just leaving now, so why don't you wait?

Matthew: Yeah, I'll wait.

Alex: Okay, great. I'll see you soon.

[Matthew hangs up knowing something is strangely wrong]

Luke: [the camera goes back to Luke and Lisa on the phone] Let me, uh... Let me grab your phone number, and I will have him call you when he gets in.

Lisa: Um, you know, actually, could you just tell him to meet me at 3:00? He'd know where. Um, I'll be waiting for him.

Luke: 3:00. Okay.

[someone knocks at Luke's front door]

Luke: You know what, it can't be him already, but I'm expecting him. And someone's at my front door, so maybe it is him. So hold on one second.

[Lisa has a flashback of the last time she saw Matthew and when he asked her to move in with him]

Luke: Yeah, I'm sorry. It wasn't him, it was someone else. But I promise I will give him your message. Okay?

Lisa: Oh. Okay. Thank you.

[Lisa hangs up praying with tears in her eyes that she hasn't lost Matthew entirely]

[Alex arrives home to the apartment to find Matthew who awaits with a present for her]

[both have a nervous blank expression before putting on a smile and sayng hi to each other]

Matthew: [smiles] Hey.

Matthew: [smiles] Hey. How are you, Lisa?

Alex: Good. How are you?

Matthew: Good.

Alex: I thought you'd be in China by now.

Matthew: That makes two of us. Sit down.

[Alex sits on the couch beside Matthew noticing a box between them]

Alex: What's that?

Matthew: It's a present.

Alex: For me?

Matthew: Yeah. I saw that yours were... Yours were broken, so... Uh, wanna try them on?

Alex: That's very sweet. You didn't have to do that.

Matthew: Uh, that's okay.

[Alex takes off her boot and Matthew slips on the black shoe with the red sole, the exact same size that would fit Lisa's foot]

Matthew: They're a little big. What size shoe do you wear?

Alex: Seven.

Matthew: These are 8 and a half.

Alex: I would've told you what size I wear if I knew you were gonna get me shoes.

Matthew: It's okay. I could exchange them.

Alex: You don't have to do that. I...

Matthew: Anyway, I told a friend of mine I would meet him for coffee before I left, so...

[Matthew makes his way to the front door of the apartment]

Alex: What? You're leaving?

Matthew: Yeah. Bye.

[Matthew then leaves]

[Alex finally tells Matthew the truth]

Matthew: You knew she was here the whole time?

Alex: [Alex reaches into her bag and grabs the envelop she was suppose to give to Matthew two years earlier] This belongs to you. It's from her.

Lisa: [Lisa's words in the letter] Matt, please don't think that I'm running away from you. I was so overwhelmed when you asked me to move in, I couldn't speak. My answer, of course, is yes. I love you, and can't wait to come home.

Alex: [Alex in tears] I'm not going to apologize for what I've done. This is for me to live with now. Now you see me for who I am.

Matthew: Yes, I do.

[Matthew leaves off in a rush just before Luke returns back to Alex at the table]

Luke: That guy. He's, um... More drama than a Mexican soap opera.

Alex: Luke! This... This is over.

Luke: What's over?

Alex: Us.

Luke: How can it be over? We haven't even started yet.

Alex: I'm not who you think I am. I used you.

[Alex leaves Luke there by himself]

[Last lines]

Alex: I'm sorry.

Mary: I know.

[Watching Kate arrive with Isaac]

Sarah: Oh, she's hot.

Alex: Your boobs are bigger.

Sarah: That's not true! That's not true!

Alex: [as Ben greets Alex arriving home from the hospital] ... Don't tell me we're having a party in honor of my suicide.

Ben: Attempted suicide. Jeez, if it were a suicide, we'd both be wearing suits.

Alex: [in his crumpled writing] Judgment has a way of creeping into every relationship. Even the most intimate. If we're lucky, somewhere along the way we meet a few people who listen to us without criticism or reproach. We call those people our friends.

[last lines]

Josh: [posing for group picture] Alright, posture everyone.

Kate: [holding the camera] Uh, I'm going to need you to get a lot closer together than that.

Sarah: Okay.

Ben: Come on, come on.

[arm around Alex]

Josh: Alright. I'm going to pose a quick idea, you guys. Maybe next time we do this, it's a happy occasion.

Alex: Is there going to be a next time?

Isaac: Uh oh.

Sarah: Alex...

Kate: Okay. One, two...

Josh: Alex, where did you get these records? I feel like I'm at a garage sale.

Alex: I bought them at a garage sale.

Alex: I guess I was mainly just scared.

Sarah: Of what?

Alex: Of you all. The possibility that you didn't like me.

Sarah: That's ridiculous.

Alex: It's the truth. I remember that that feeling did not go away. Until, um, until junior year when Ben had me at his parents' place for Easter. We took the train there and back. Barely talked, but you know, it was, it was better than talking. It was just... Just nice.

Alex: Hey, um... I'm sorry about what I said last night. I'm...

Kate: It's okay. Don't worry. You're not even 48 hours removed from a traumatic event. You're suddenly the center of love and attention and you're feeling mildly manic and also oddly angry. I imagine you're also experiencing mood-cycling and you're scared as hell of the next time you'll crash, so, no. I'm not taking it personally.

Alex: Good.

Kate: Don't worry, though. You'll level off.

Alex: I've got great southern exposure, so I was thinking of installing a solar array. And um, maybe a few rainwater basins too.

Josh: That sounds great, Alex. Then you'd have everything you need to start a cult.

Sarah: So, we are all doomed, romantically speaking.

Alex: Only on like a deep karmic level.

Josh: For whatever reason, I'm strangely okay with that.

Sarah: Maybe we should make one of those pacts where if we're still single when we're 35, we all just get married.

Alex: Who, the *three* of us?

Sarah: Yes, and Timmy of course.

[indicating the dog]

Sarah: We'll make a great dysfunctional family. How's that sound Timmy?

Josh: I'd consider it.

Josh: I figured that I would be far less curious now if I'd just done a better job of...

Alex: ...doing more drugs in college.

Ben: Nice shiner.

Alex: Nice driving.

Alex: [as to her selecting him for marriage] Why me?

Joanna: Because you can't see who I really am, and I think it's in the stars.

Alex: On the arms of a blind man is the safest place for a beautiful woman to be.

Alex: I want to sleep with you because I'll never fall in love with you.

Alex: What do you regret the most? Not seeing me again, or not having seen it?

Alex: The turtle will live but never be free.

Alex: We just hadn't planned on a change of plan.

Jane: Well who plans on a change of plan? I mean, that would be sorta paranoid, don't you think?

Alex: What do you want me to do?

Ian McKnight: Finish it.

Michael: What happened last night?

Alex: What do you mean?

Michael: The last thing I remember is we were driving around Patterson's neighborhood. And I go into the office today and find out that he got beat up. And I'm standing there in the middle of everybody with dried blood all over my hand. Did we go to Patterson's last night?

Alex: Yes. We went to Patterson's.

Michael: I mean, I didn't hit him, did I?

Alex: You didn't just hit him. You beat the shit out of him.

Michael: What the hell were you doing?

Alex: Holding him down.

[Michael looks frantic]

Alex: Oh don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anybody.

Michael: *Tell* anybody? Jesus Christ, this guy is a colleague of mine!

Alex: Oh, don't worry about him! *He's* not gonna tell anyone. He knows you'd kill him if he did.

Michael: Wait a second... kill him?

Alex: Yeah. And if you didn't, I would. Told him that this morning... when I went to get the donuts.

Michael: Get out.

[Alex continues eating donuts]

Michael: GET OUT!

Alex: I'm sorry.

Michael: What?

Alex: Sorry.

Michael: Sorry? You - fuck you, you're sorry? Sorry about what? Killing Claire? Trying to kill my brother? Or maybe you're just sorry for holding a guy down while I beat him? Fuck you, you're sorry!

Alex: I never made you do anything that wasn't in you already. People are such hypocrites. They go through their whole lives to the day they die saying that they're innocent, but they're not innocent. I showed you that! That's why I killed Claire, Mick.

Michael: My name is Michael.

[pauses]

Michael: Did you get that?

Pismo Boll: [pops up with a camera] Every word

[suddenly slips]

Alex: [Smashes bottle on bar] Let him go.

Willie, Man in Bar: Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Alex: Let's find out.

[over loud live music]

Michael: Who is this band?

Alex: The Nymphs.

Michael: ...Nymphs!

Alex: Don't be mad.

Michael: I'm not mad.

Alex: Well, you might be in a minute. But just remember, I did this for you.

Michael: Did what for me?

[as Alex is walking away]

Michael: Did what for me?

Michael: Hey! You're the guy from the bar, right? The guy with the bottle. Why'd you leave so fast?

Alex: I didn't wanna stick around for thank yous.

Michael: Well, thank you anyway. Do you live around here?

Alex: [smirks] No.

Michael: Oh... well thank you, anyway.

[turns to leave]

Alex: Why didn't you back down?

Michael: Huh?

Alex: That guy told you to take a hike. Why didn't you?

Michael: I don't know.

[laughs]

Michael: I don't know. You know that, uh, voice that tells you what to do sometimes? I guess I listened to it.

[laughs]

Michael: Ah, that sounds stupid I suppose.

Alex: [smirks] I'm like that. And I always listen to it. My name's Alex. You wanna get a beer?

Alex: Tell me what you want, Mick.

Michael: Mick?

Alex: Tell me what you want, and tell me what you're afraid of.

Michael: Me and this guy Patterson are up for the same position of senior analyst. I want that job. I want that job so bad.

Alex: Done. Now tell me what you're afraid of.

Michael: I'm afraid of getting married.

Alex: That's easy, don't.

Michael: Yeah, well, I'm engaged.

Alex: [laughs] Why?

Michael: I didn't wanna lose her. I'm terrified of getting married.

Alex: Then drink to it. Make it happen.

Michael: Make it happen.

Michael Boll: No, you're gonna die with your mouth shut.

Alex: Then do it.

[pauses]

Alex: You can't... 'cause I never showed you how.

Alex: [picking up his knife] Now I'm going to show you

Taylor: Man, I'm so hungry I could eat my own ass.

Alex: [laughs] We'll go halves.

Alex: No matter how hard to control this life is, there are some things that are forever. We fight for them.

Alex: How am I gonna do without you?

Alex: Hmm...

[sniffing]

Alex: It's funny, there's a smell that is just like po...

[pause]

Alex: Children... are you smoking pot?

Lucy: Are you bourgeois?

Alex: Is this milk all right for Bob to drink?

Lucy: It's mummy's.

Alex: I'm sure she won't mind.

Lucy: It's *mummy's*, for John-Stuart. He's not *weaned* yet.

Alex: Oh.

Bob: [gags] Oh, my God.

Bob: Don't come to me like a possessive wife!

Alex: Well, I wouldn't if you hadn't left me with five children and a dog!

Bob: Look, I know you feel you're not getting enough of me, but you're getting all there is.

Alex: Well, you're spreading yourself a little thin, aren't you?

Timothy: Blecch!

Alex: Serves you right for pinching my breakfast.

Timothy: Not *your* breakfast! Papa paid for it!

Bob: Well, there's socialism for you.

Alex: I can't see why my having an affair with someone on and off is any worse that being *married* for a course or two at mealtimes.

Mrs. Greville: But darling... you keep throwing in your hand because you haven't got the whole thing. There *is* no whole thing, my poppet. You have to make it work.

Bob: We're free to do what we want.

Alex: Darling... other people often do what they don't want to do at all.

Alex: I've had this business: "Anything is better than nothing." There are times when nothing *has* to be better than anything.

Ari: I'm not gonna tell you what to do.

Alex: Good.

Ari: Does this mean I get my vibrator back?

Alex: I'm going to wind up a loser. Yet I stood a chance. I wanted to be someone outstanding: flyer, traveler, musician... Can't I be reborn?

Alex: I love jesse, she's kinda like my girlfriend.

Nat: She is not like your girlfriend.

Alex: In a way Nat... in a way.

Nat: In what way?

David: In a way she doesn't know about.

Alex: We need to get the band together this instant!

Nat: Are you up for it Man?

Alex: Yes I'm fortified by milk

Alex: Alienate means see boobies?

Nat: Alex, that's inappropriate!

Alex: Inappropriate means see boobies?

Alex: I wear a doo-rag; you wear your hair. That's how it is. That's how it is.

Nat: Jesus, what a jerk.

Alex: Don't ever say Jesus! He was the best president we've ever had!

Alex: I know a lot about science too. Like I know how people make poopies.

Keagan McPhie: There's got to be a way to get their attention, a way they can't ignore us.

[Millie laughs]

Keagan McPhie: What?

Millie McPhie: We could always not take any baths.

Danny: Oh yeah my dad would go for that, sure.

Keagan McPhie: Wait a minute. That's actually not a bad idea. It hurts no one, but it would most certainly make people take notice.

Alex: You mean it would make people hold their noses!

Alex: Sadie. You left me there to die. Now we can all be together.

Mr. Connors: Given enough time a pixie will get you so confused that you'll be looking for happiness in all the wrong places. And once you get pixie-led, unless someone else helps, why you could be stuck there forever!

Alex: So, how does it help to put our coats on backwards?

Mr. Connors: Well, don't you see? It confuses them!

[laughing]

Mr. Connors: They can't tell whether we're coming or going!

Mr. Connors: Now, Tommy, you can't judge a book by its cover. Especially an old one... hee hee hee!...

Tommy: Huh?

Mr. Connors: Well, what I mean is, it's not what a person looks like that makes them what they are. It's the intent of their hearts and the good they're willing to do for others that matters.

Alex: He's trying to tell you hes not a leprechaun, Tommy.

Mr. Connors: C'mere, c'mere! Now listen, can you hear them?

Tommy: Who?

Mr. Connors: Why, the fairies, of course!

Alex: I don't hear anything.

Mr. Connors: Nothing?

Alex: Just the birds.

Mr. Connors: Aye, the birds, and the wind through the trees, and the animals rushing through the field. During the day, the fairies play along with the sounds of the meadow, and at night to the crickets and the owls. If you listen very carefully, you can hear them.

Tommy: You are one, and don't think you can get away from me, because you can't!

Mr. Connors: Well, I'm sure I couldn't even if I were a leprechaun.

Alex: Oh, I told you he isn't one!

Mr. Connors: Ahh! I didn't say that!

Tommy: So you are one?

Mr. Connors: ...And I didn't say that!

Alex: Halt!

Tommy: You're captured!

Mr. Connors: What's this? Miniature bandits?

Mickey: Who do you think you are? My dad?

Alex: No, I'm his brother.

Mickey: My dad doesn't have a brother. Get a life.

Alex: I'd love to.

Mickey: Get a life

Alex: I'd love to

Oli: I'm the first in line for snípur.

Alex: Snípur?

Paxton: Oh, that's Icelandic for "clit".

Alex: I am never going to another porn site again... And I am definitely going to need therapy.

Álex: What's your show called?

Ángela: While You're Asleep.

Manu: While You're Asleep? Then who watches it?

[laughs]

Álex: People think we run around, putting out fires but around 70% of the calls we get are for other types of services.

Ángela: Like what?

Álex: For example, broken water mains, or pet rescue too. Even though it sounds cliché, it's true.

Alex: [Kim sprays him with perfume] Don't do that. I smell like the inside of the ladies' room.

Kim: And how would you know what the ladies room smells like?

Alex: I know they did it, they killed her, they, killed her... Robin, Robin!

Mrs. Cunningham: Now kiss her!

Alex: She's my sister.

Mrs. Cunningham: Alex...

Mrs. Cunningham: Now the king!

Alex: Ew, kiss the KING?

Nick: On the mouth!

[repeated line]

Alex: Now!

Alex: [after seeing Katie at the end of the hall] Please don't hurt me!

Alex: Dad, what is that?

Doug: That is awesome!

Farid: [referring to their wounded friend] We have to take him to the hospital.

Alex: He looks like a Tampax. It's too risky.

Alex: Tom, you go with Farid. You find a room close to the frontier and you wait for us. In the meantime, I'm taking madame and her tampon to the ER. We'll catch up with you guys when we get out of this mess.

Le Von Geisler: One last wish? Just one.

Alex: Kill me!

Alex: [Bug stabs him, killing the Ripper personality] I thought that guy would never leave.

Bug: Alex?

Alex: Where's the biggest knife in the kitchen?

Bug: Where it needs to be.

[pulls the knife out]

Bug: I'm scared.

Alex: We're sixteen, Bug. Like it or not, we're men now.

Bug: I don't feel like a man!

Alex: No one does, that's why you gotta fake it.

Bug: Fake being a man to be a man?

Alex: That's the way it works. You can't run, you have to face your fear like a man.

Bug: Even though I'm not a man?

Alex: Because you're not a man. Listen, the better you fake it, the better man you are.

Bug: Just fake it.

Alex: Fake it good. Like if you're scared, act like you don't give a shit, or if somebody hurts you, say, "Thank you very much, that felt wonderful."

Bug: [practicing] Thanks, Brandon, that-I can't raise my arm, feels good.

Alex: Yeah, there you go.

Bug: Is that all you got, Brandon? I mean... I feel downright... cheated!

Alex: I'm amazed that you're getting this so quick, it's tricky stuff.

Bug: I was faking what I did.

Alex: You were?

Bug: [nods] Completely.

Alex: Yeah, but you were faking it good.

Bug: I was?

Alex: Abso-fuckin'-lutely. You now have permission to shave.

Bug: Do you think I'm a monkey, Alex?

Alex: Have you killed people, Bug?

Bug: Not that I can remember.

Alex: Well I can't remember buying you bananas, either.

Alex: They will come for you with torches.

Alex: Say, "Thanks, Fang, that felt great."

Bug: I'd be lying.

Alex: That's the point.

Bug: Thanks, Fang, that felt great.

Alex: That felt *fucking* great!

Bug: That's a bad word.

Alex: You bet. Makes things good.

Bug: Everything's backwards with you.

Alex: No, it's not okay, what I did. It's not okay for everybody to be killing each other all the time.

Alex: Condor?

Bug: Crow.

Alex: It's all right, Bug. Feels great.

Bug: Feels fucking great.

Alex: Fucking great.

[dies]

Bug: Fly now. I know you're up there, and I know we're down here.

Bug: Just because you were out there doesn't mean you were spying.

Alex: I was spying.

Alex: The fish stinks from the head.

Alex: [Brandon has punched him] Thanks, Brandon. That felt good.

Brandon: Asswipe.

Alex: Not as good as your mother felt last night, though.

Alex: [regarding a large bag] What the fuck is that?

Bug: Sock puppet.

Alex: On steroids?

Alex: [after being pressured by Alex to swear, Bug says "fuck" nearly every line] Enough with the fucks!

Bug: You say fuck.

Alex: [to Bug] If you're not innocent any more, that's okay.

Alex: You're a condor. You eat death for breakfast. Remember that.

Alex: Their girls their somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, they are not HAJIS

Alex: I don't know where they go when they disappear, but I've read enough Stephen King to know that nothing safe comes back from that dark place.

Alex: Dude, there's no animals. There are no animals, no birds... not even a fucking fly, no pupae.

[Todd teaches Alex his special wrestling move in front of the bed]

Todd: I know what you need. You need to learn the Todd Patterson invincible double-leg double-hook throw.

Alex: What?

Todd: Go. Spread your legs. Grab my neck. Spread again. Okay?

Alex: [Alex giggles grabbing onto him] What?

Todd: Now pull me down.

Todd: [Alex pulls him down laughing] See? It works.

Alex: Yeah.

Todd: [Alex doesn't let go of Todd] Okay. You gotta let... let go now.

Todd: [Todd laughs as Alex lets him go when they lay in bed together] I said spread 'em.

Todd: [whispers to her face] God, you are so beautiful.

[Alex pours gasoline all over inside the train engine car and medical room car]

Dr. Velislava: Wait! Don't do this.

Alex: Don't come near me.

Dr. Velislava: We help people. Sick people. People who, without us, will die.

Alex: What about my friends?

Dr. Velislava: If you do this, you're exactly like us.

Alex: Maybe I am.

[Alex begins punching Doctor Velislava in the face knocking her down, when Alex lights a match and drops it, catching fire to both Doctor Velislava and the inside of the train cars]

[first lines]

[the wrestling match begins with Coach Harris cheering on his player Todd]

Coach Harris: All right, Todd! Let's go, let's go! All right. Keep it up! Keep it up! Yes! Nice! Nice! Control, Todd, control.

Todd: [Todd gets pinned down and mumbles] Damn it!

Coach Harris: Stay focused! It's fine. Stay focused. Come on.

Coach Harris: [Todd returns with pinning down his opponent within seconds] Yes!

[the crowd cheers and boos when the scene cuts to the next wrestler Alex]

Todd: How's she doing?

Sheldon: Sex and violence. That's what it's all about.

Alex: [Alex gets pinned down by her opponent when the match ends] Fuck!

Todd: [Alex returns to her corner] Hey.

Alex: How'd your match go?

Todd: I won.

Alex: Shocker.

Ricky: [looking under the hood of Tom and Lisa's car] Hey, Alex I found it. The alternator wire's loose.

Alex: [sarcastic] Wonderful, Ricky. Wonderful!

Ricky: I'll have it fixed in a minute.

Alex: Take your time. Take your time.

Ricky: Why?

Alex: [serious tone] Why not? It's too late to go boogying anyway.

Ricky: Too late? No, come on. What are we going to do? The night's still young.

Alex: Well... I hear there's a party. You up for a party?

Lisa: I told you, it's not a party.

Alex: Well, when we get there, we'll make it one.

Lisa: You want me to dance with you at the party?

Alex: Oh... you'll dance all right.

Alex: I know what it's like, friend. It's a bitch when your car breaks down, Especially if you're in a hurry.

Ricky: Earlier, while you were out, the police showed up here. It was Turner. That crud that's always snooping around. He was looking for a stolen black Lincoln. By the time he got here, the car was already gone. Pretty lucky, huh?

Alex: It's not hard to be lucky. For example, you go down to the corner bar for a drink and that particular cop happens to be there. So you start telling a story to the barman or the person sitting next to you about this guy who snooped around too much. And in order to get even with him, the guys he was investigating took it out on his family. And you tell it loud enough so the cop can hear.

Ricky: So what does he do?

Alex: He doesn't do anything. He drinks his beer and he leaves. You see he's got two girls at home. 15 years old.

Ricky: [laughs] Shit, you can really handle things, Alex. I've never had a friend like you.

Tom: Oh that's a relief! That God you're still open. My car just started making these noises.

Alex: Sounds like it's running fine to me.

Tom: I don't know. Maybe it's something with the electical system.

Alex: If it's the electrical system, it's going to take about three or four hours to fix... and I'm going boogying!

Tom: [pulls some cash out of his wallet] Will 20 do it? I'm in a hurry.

Alex: I know what it's like. It's a bitch when you car breaks down. Especially if you're in a hurry.

Tom: Here's $40. Will you fix it now?

Alex: You don't know too much about cars, do you?

Tom: No, I don't.

Alex: I'll tell you what... I'll give you my own do-it-yourself handbook and you can fix the car... while I go boogying! Or... you can take this $40 and hire yourself a limousine and you'll be home in no time flat.

Ricky: Alex, will you lend me 20 bucks? I need to be covered.

[Alex looks at Ricky's cards and lends him a $20 bill]

Ricky: [lays down his cards] Three aces.

Tom: [lays down his cards] Not good enough. Flush. Want to play another hand?

Ricky: I'm clean. You guys cleaned me out.

Alex: [hands Ricky a $100 bill] Here. Let's play one more hand. Be careful, Ricky. They're taking you for a ride. These bastards wouldn't know a straight game even if they followed one home.

Glenda: What did you say?

Alex: You heard me, twat! You don't get a full house or a royal flush four times in a row unless you're cheating.

Tom: You shouldn't say those things. People like us could take it the wrong way.

Alex: Deal the cards, mister... where I can see 'em!

[first lines]

Alex: Helooooo lady!

Alex: Do you want to go?

Oliver: Well, I've seen my share of ghosts...

Alex: [about Graystone] Legend has it that anyone who goes inside, will go mad.

Alex: Do ghosts exist?

Sean: Only one way to find out.

Alex: [to Mara as they fight their recently possessed friend, Cecelia] Try not to hurt her!

Mara: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Leah: The telekinesis with the blood and water was a nice trick, Alex.

Alex: And what about you Leah? Walk through any walls lately?

Leah: [softly, almost ashamed] It was a... filing cabinet.

Mara: Wait, you can walk through walls? I'm sorry, what are we still doing here?

Leah: Just objects. I can't leave a room... yet.

Mara: Okay, I'm with freaks...

Alex: [seeing the photograph] Who's he?

Anne: A friend.

Alex: What's he like?

Anne: He's dead.

Alex: I'm sorry. Do you miss him?

Anne: Yes. What about you? Do you have someone?

Alex: I did. A long time ago.

Anne: You said that once before, "a long time ago". Makes you sound like an old man. What happened?

Alex: Like you, I lost her. But I think about her all the time.

Anne: I want to be forgotten completely when I die. I want all trace of my existence to be completely wiped out. Just one of my romantic ideas.

Alex: There are some things that cannot be destroyed.

Anne: Are you talking about love?

Alex: Pain.

Anne: That passes. A year or two of grieving and you're over it. This is what matters - here, now.

[first lines]

[English version]

Alex: Here we are. It looks wild, huh?

Catherine: You can say that again.

[English version]

Alex: It's a pity that they just don't want reporters along, but we'll come back soon.

Catherine: Sure. Just the same, I hate being separated from my goddess.

[last lines]

[English version]

Dr. Hidaka: Well Catherine, I suggest you forget science and instead really become Alex's inspiration.

Alex: Hahaha. Thank you. Thank you.

Dr. Hidaka: Well, Kenny, Gamera will be safe there. You happy?

Kenny: Yes, I'm glad that Gamera wasn't killed. I'm going to be an astronaut and ride in rockets. And I'll see Gamera again, right?

[turning to Gamera]

Kenny: Gamera! See you soon!

Alex: [Smugly on Proteus dependency on heroin] I think Proteus is picking up a very bad habit.

Alex: [mockingly] You're just a fucking fish with a drug habit.

Dr. Shelley: [Distorted growls] I'll show you what I am.

Alex: [On seeing Proteus' true form] Jesus Christ.

Alex: Beam me up, Scotty! There's no life on Planet Impotent!

Alex: [Concerning poor results in his job] I've been off my game.

Alex's boss.: You've been off you're game for a while now. You could at least come up with something half believable! What are you working on now?

Alex: On the dog-fucking coed.

Alex's boss.: Forget it!

Alex: Why?

Alex's boss.: Just forget it, they made that movie 30 years ago!

Alex: Really, what was it, a porno?

Alex's boss.: Some Italian B-movie called Animalita.

Alex: Well, Quentin Tarantino said "I didn't go to film school, I went to films."

Patrick: Yeah, but Quentin Tarantino eats my ass.

Alex: Bitterness is corrupting your soul and I really feel sorry for you, 'cause we used to be kindred spirits

Lara: I left the past behind. This is a new me, whether you like it or not.

Will Penny: That's always the way, ain't it?

Alex: What's always the way?

Will Penny: Let a man die, right away he's "good, old Claude". How was he *before* he bucked out?

Alex: You'll be line rider up in ridge country. It pays $30 a month. You sure you rode line before?

Will Penny: Sure enough to have some might strong feelings about it.

Cowboy: Hey, Allie, we were just trying to help him out.

Alex: Yeah, like a sharp stick in the eye.

Brandy: I gotta tell you, your son is marrying a wonderful human being. I'd snap either of them up in a minute, but, you know...

Mrs. Robinson: Beautiful girl like you, and you're not married?

[gasps]

Mrs. Robinson: You're a lesbian, I'm sorry.

Brandy: Ugh, girl, I wish. I'm dickly.

Brandy, Alex: [together] Strictly.

[Mrs. Robertson has unexpectedly arrived at Noah and Wade's wedding]

Alex: Girl, this is worse than an episode of "Jerry Springer".

Brandy: Uh-uh, "Maury Povitch".

Alex: Oh gir'.

Risa: Are you trying to look like a lesbian?

Alex: No.

Risa: Cause you forgot the wallet chain... and like... the UPS shirt.

Alex: You realize the irony on this of course. You trick Kenny into losing a lot of weight so you'll have this really hot boyfriend...

Jonathan: ...and then he becomes too hot to handle.

Alex: What are you doing?

Risa: What?

Alex: You're flirting with my sister! You are supposed to be my girlfriend!

Risa: Not flirting. I'm talking about landing gear.

Alex: Every guy I ever dated she went after, why should you be any different?

Risa: I'm sorry. It's just... I have never known anybody like her. She's kinda... messing me up. I don't know how to be around her.

Alex: I will tell you how to be around her: Insanely attentive to me! Got it?

Risa: Got it.

Jeannie: [after throwing a shoe in Alex' direction] I didn't mean to throw that at you.

Alex: I'm sure it just Freudian-slipped out of your hand.

Alex: I'm gonna rock your world!

Alex: A man should never drink alone!

Alex: C'mon honey, let's go to the poop deck.