Alan Swann Quotes in My Favorite Year (1982)

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Alan Swann Quotes:

  • Alan Swann: Our audiences are great.

    Alan Swann: Audience? What audience? Audience?

    Benjy Stone: You knew there was an audience. What did you think those seats were for?

    Alan Swann: I haven't performed in front of an audience in 28 years! Audience? I played a butler. I had one line! I forgot it.

    Benjy Stone: Don't worry, this is gonna be easy.

    Alan Swann: For you, maybe. Not for me. I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!

  • Alan Swann: Stone... I'm afraid. I'm afraid. That's why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess, my child.

    Benjy Stone: Alan Swann, afraid? The Defender of the Crown? Captain from Tortuga? The Last Knight of the Round Table?

    Alan Swann: Those are movies, damn you! Look at me! I'm flesh and blood, life-size, no larger! I'm not that silly God-damned hero! I never was!

    Benjy Stone: To *me* you were! Whoever you were in those movies, those silly goddamn heroes meant a lot to *me*! What does it matter if it was an illusion? It worked! So don't tell me this is you life-size. I can't use you life-size. I need Alan Swanns as big as I can get them! And let me tell you something: you couldn't have convinced me the way you did unless somewhere in you you *had* that courage! Nobody's that good an actor! You *are* that silly goddamn hero!

  • [Alan Swann has blundered into the wrong restroom]

    Lil: This is for ladies only!

    Alan Swann: [unzipping fly] So is *this*, ma'am, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.

  • K.C.: Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation, here.

    Benjy Stone: Oh, I bet it's *real* interesting. What's the subject of this *interesting* conversation?

    Alan Swann: [gazing deep into K.C's eyes] These eyes. They're Merle Oberon's eyes.

    Benjy Stone: Merle Oberon's! Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes? Using Katharine Hepburn's?

  • Alan Swann: Rookie, your Meatloaf Mindanao was superb!

    Rookie Carroca: Thanks. That takes two days to prepare, you know.

    Alan Swann: Really! Tell me, what was that rather pungent taste?

    Rookie Carroca: Parrot!

    [someone spits up and Aunt Sadie swoons; the parrot cage is empty]

    Rookie Carroca: And they're not easy to work with. They put up some squawk.

    Alan Swann: I can imagine!

  • [an obviously drunken Swann meets the writing staff]

    Sy: He's plastered!

    Alan Swann: So are some of the finest erections in Europe.

  • Alan Swann: [a very drunken Stone and Swann looking down from the roof at an apartment balcony below] Now, all we have to do is get from here - to there.

    Benjy Stone: It won't work!

    Alan Swann: It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of Divorce"!

    Benjy Stone: That was a movie! This is real life!

    Alan Swann: What is the difference?

  • Alan Swann: Who is that gorgeous-looking creature over there?

    Maitre d': Oh, no, Mr. Swann. This is exactly the way it started last time.

    Alan Swann: In that case, we'll just order dinner... for now.

  • Sy: Leo, it gets me sick to think we gotta put up with some washed-up jaboni who's gonna be running around Central Park with his schlong hangin' out!

    Alan Swann: My dear fellow, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business.

    Sy: [who didn't know Swann had entered] How's business?

    Alan Swann: Never better.

  • Alan Swann: We'll be two for dinner. Telephone the Stork Club.

    Alfi: You sure you mean the Stork Club, Mr. Swann?

    Alan Swann: Certainly. It's been a year and a half. Surely they've repaired the wall of the bandstand by now.

  • [Handing Benjy a glass]

    Alan Swann: Stone, you can watch me or you can join me. One of them is more fun.

  • Alan Swann: Are you still in the fight game?

    Rookie Carroca: In a way. I married Benjy's mother.

  • Benjy Stone: What are you doing?

    Alan Swann: Drinking and leaving!

  • Alan Swann: Stone, women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you.

    Benjy Stone: Is that what you do?

    Alan Swann: No. I don't have that luxury. The women who are interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and nine times out of ten, they get it.

    Benjy Stone: That's some curse.

    Alan Swann: You'd be surprised. You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations.

Browse more character quotes from My Favorite Year (1982)

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