Alan Partridge Quotes in Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (2013)

Alan Partridge: You can keep Jesus Christ. That was Neil Diamond... truly the 'King of the Jews'.

Alan Partridge: We're asking, what is the worst monger? Iron, fish... rumour... or war?

Police Officer: And do you suffer from any nervous conditions such as panic attacks?

Alan Partridge: (snorts) Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I had one panic attack at the car wash, it was a perfect storm of no sleep, uh no wife and angry brushes whirling towards me and by the time the hairdryer came on, I was in the footwell.

Police Officer: Identify yourself!

Alan Partridge: Alan Partridge! Who the f- Alan Partridge! You know who I am, I've not been off TV for that long! Identify yourself.

Pat Farrell: I came to this pier once with Molly...

Alan Partridge: Happy times!

Pat Farrell: ...I came to scatter her ashes.

Alan Partridge: Maybe not so happy.

Alan Partridge: People sack people, people people please people.

Alan Partridge: I would've taken it off sooner, but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child... just passed his details on to the social services...

Alan Partridge: [hiding in a bus' septic tank] Yes, Pat, is it bizarre. It is, and was, a failed escape attempt. A sort of, 'Shit-Shank Redemption', if you will.

Steve Stubbs: Alan! Read my lips. Now, if you jeopardize the safety of any of my men, or any of those hostages inside that building because you've not been listening to me; I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.

Alan Partridge: You want me to buy your police uniform off you?

Alan Partridge: He's got a shooter!

Alan Partridge: Never, never criticize Muslims; only, only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

Alan Partridge: Get rid of her, Lynn, she's a drunk and a racist! I'll tolerate one, but not both.

Alan Partridge: Go to your muster stations... it's Bryan Ferry.

Side Kick Simon: We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says "An easy way to solve the problems in Israel"

Alan Partridge: A thorny issue

Side Kick Simon: "would be for Judaism and Islam to merge."

Alan Partridge: Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.

Side Kick Simon: Well, they both hate pigs.

Alan Partridge: True enough.

Side Kick Simon: You could call it Jislam.