Alan Quotes in Small Soldiers (1998)

Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary or the Gorgonites.

Alan: Awfully polite for a monster.

Archer: Alan, friend of Archer, defender of all Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta...

Alan: "Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there you're headed for the microwave!

Alan: [Freakenstein and Punch-It are at Alan's computer] What are you looking for?

Freakenstein: Gorgon.

Alan: Well, this is a Central Park.

Freakenstein: The Isle of Gorgon is our homeland.

Punch-It: Will you help us find it?

Alan: I don't think you're gonna find it in here.

Archer: [at Alan's bedroom window] Alan, if Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?

Archer: What's your name?

Alan: Alan. Now shut up!

Archer: Greetings, Alan now shut up.

Alan: Damn potholes.

Joe: So what's the seminar your dad's goin' to?

Alan: "How to Make a Success of Your Small Buisness." My suggestion was torch the place.

Joe: Not a good idea. Arson forensics nowadays is very sophisticated.

Christy Fimple: Any sign of the Gorgonites?

Alan: No, none of them.

Phil Fimple: [calling off shot] Come on Christy!

Christy Fimple: [kisses Alan on cheek] I gotta go.

[Alan grabs her and kisses her overdramatically]

Gil Mars: [getting into helicopter, looking at wreckage] Too bad, would've made a hell of a commercial.

Christy Fimple: You rescued me!

[Grabs Alan and gives him a passionate kiss]

Alan: Anytime

[Christy grabs Alan and gives him another passionate kiss]

Christy Fimple: Lets go get those creeps!

Archer: Major Chip Hazard.

Major Chip Hazard: Gorgonite scum!

Archer: Leave Alan alone. Your fight is with me.

Major Chip Hazard: You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.

[stabs Archer in the knee]

Archer: They're wires and metal, the same as yours.

[pulls knife out and attacks Chip, who grabs Archer]

Major Chip Hazard: We're nothing alike. You are programmed to lose!

[kicks Archer a few times]

Archer: I'm also programmed to learn.

Major Chip Hazard: Too bad you never learned to win. School's out, loser. Hyah!

[kicks Archer off the pole]

Major Chip Hazard: Victory is ours!

Alan: Have I got a shock for you.

[grabs Chip]

Alan: You stupid toy!

[jams Chip into the transformer, electrocuting him]

Alan: [shortly after Tequila reassured Alan that the guy he shot wasn't a cop] Was that guy I shot really a cop?

Tequila: Yeah.

Alan: Fuck!

Johnny Wong: [Handing Alan a gun] We either conquer the world or you kill me tonight with this gun.

Alan: I have my own.

Tequila: What's with all these paper cranes? You bored? Maybe you feel lonely here?

Alan: You know, I've always hated making cranes. I make one each time I kill somebody. How about it, shall I make you one?

Tequila: No thanks. And if you'll get killed, who'll make yours?

Alan: When I'm a Triad, the cops want to kill me and when I'm a cop, everyone wants to kill me! I'm a scared man.

Alan: Have you got a cop called Vodka?

Superintendant Pang: He's called Tequila. He's a tough cop.

Alan: I don't care who he is, tell him to back off. He'll ruin everything. Do you want to go to another funeral!

Alan: Birthdays aren't important when you don't have a real identity.

Tequila: What are you? It's hard to call you a triad. It's even harder to call you a cop. What rank are you? Sergeant? Inspector? Joker? Should I salute you?

Alan: If you like. To you, I'm a criminal. To my mum, I'm a son. To the triads, I'm a hero.

Tequila: Should I salute you?

Alan: You've got the gun. I'll go and milk a cow if you want.

Tequila: Sorry, I don't drink milk

Tequila: Which year did you graduate? Who was your teacher?

Alan: Are you testing me?

Tequila: I'd just like to ask your teach how he managed to produce such a stubborn cop.

Alan: Pang said you don't waste bullets.

Tequila: Are you testing me?

Tequila: Do you have any dreams?

Alan: I do. I want to move to Antartica.

Tequila: It's freezing there. You like that?

Alan: At least I can come out of the dark. There's daylight 24 hours a day there.

Alan: [in the library] Is Suicide under Self-Help?

Jennifer: Perhaps... some things are best forgotten.

Alan: Perhaps.

Alan: If I try it myself, I'll die. And I will try it myself.

Alan: There will be nothing I won't know soon.

Alan: You wanna take a shot too? Everybody else has.

Alan: Then you know what it's like to be haunted. One memory... one single incident has made me who I am. It won't leave me be. The guilt tears me apart.

Delila: A new cutting project? That, that's what you're talking to be about, Alan?

Alan: Well, more than that.

Delila: Alan, you've seen so much life and somehow you miss the point.

Thelma: Give the footage back to the widow. Let her deal with it.

Alan: I can't give it back. There's someone in that project I haven't seen for years.

Thelma: I hate it when that happens.

Alan: They say that friends help you move, but good friends help you move bodies, don't they?

Alan: He died of a coronary complication.

Simon: I was a complication, or didn't you get to that part yet?

Legz, the Tattoo Artist: Now first we do the audio tattoo... and we wait a week. If you don't get a migraine and your system takes it... then we'll do the video tattoo.

Alan: Do I have to cover my whole face?

Legz, the Tattoo Artist: No. Those guys

[referring to the men in the lobby with large face tattoos]

Legz, the Tattoo Artist: ... they're just young and angry. You want it discrete.

Alan: Very.

Legz, the Tattoo Artist: Yeah.

Alan: Will this hurt?

Legz, the Tattoo Artist: Oh, yeah.

Delila: What about all the bits in between?

Alan: It's a miniature. Concise, symmetrical. That's the way the world looks to me... the way I see it.

Delila: How do you do this?

Alan: It's what I was meant to do.

Delila: You were meant to live your own life too.

Isabel Bannister: Alan? Are you gonna fix what my daddy can remember?

Alan: In a way, yes.

Isabel Bannister: Can you make him forget that I drew on his contract with crayon.

Alan: I will.

Isabel Bannister: And that I pulled Dottie's hard so hard that she cried. Will he forget that?

Alan: He'll forget.

Alan: But make sure you don't.

Fletcher: I heard you're not cutting any more.

Alan: I've had enough of other people's lives.

Alan: Some of us still live by the code, Fletcher. We didn't walk away. We have what it takes.

Fletcher: And what does it take, Alan? Delusion? Obsession? Guilt? No, I don't have any of those... not as much as you do.

[upon hearing the siren from a police car approach]

Alan: What's that sound?

Asian Hawk: It's not an ice cream-truck...

Alan: There can only be one king, Morgan. You can't just split off and start over again whenever you want. We both know that inside. There can only be one king at one time. That's the law.

Alan: My king. If you'll allow me, I will fight for you in defense of the crown. These others will challenge...

[chuckles emotionally]

Alan: Shit, I can't talk like that. Morgan's agreed to fight, and if you promise to sit on your ass and stay out of the way, there's still some of us that'll fight for you.

Billy: [through his tears] All right.

Kamasuka: [sees Anulu getting squashed] Hurry, squashed banana!

Alan: [finds Anulu under the basket] Sorry about that, Anulu. Can I straighten him out?

Kamasuka: Yes, certainly.

Alan: [slaps Anulu, bringing him around]

Anulu: Mmm, yes, thank you, good!

Alan: There a big difference between being here, and being here to be photographed being here.

Alan: My friends call me Dickface.

Alan: You're trying to scare me.

Vic: [trying to show that this isn't his intention] Hey... it's me, Al!

Yousef: You like Chicago?

Alan: Not in the winter

Yousef: No, the band.

Alan: Showtime! Expect the unexpected.

[first lines]

Alan: [mimicking The Talking Heads in his music video TV commercial] You may find yourself living in your garden shack. And you may find yourself not at home in your home. And you may find yourself looking for your large automobile. And you may find yourself without a beautiful house. Without a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself "Well, how did I get here?"

Alan: [riding a roller coaster for the chorus] Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.

Alan: [in an email] Dear Dr. Hakem. I hope this message finds you well. Your skill made quick work of that cyst. So I want to thank you again. I've been feeling increasingly energized since the operation and I've already been able to transfer that energy to others successfully. The only catch is now I don't have anything to blame my problems on. That little growth explained everything, and now it's gone. I am sincerely grateful, though, I think. Alan Clay.

Zahra: [her response] Dear Mr. Clay, even though it went a little harder than I expected, it was a simple extraction. Usually the discovery that you're not dying of a malignant tumor leaves most people with their spirits high. But you are not most people, are you? Dr. Zahra Hakem.

Alan: Dear Dr. Hakem, actually, my spirits are very high indeed, maybe too high. I'm feeling a little dizzy. The cause is mysterious. But I have felt a strange new lump in my back. I'm no doctor, but it feels like a rubber glove. Is there a chance you left one? Sometimes people leave things like gloves with someone they like in hopes their retrieval will provide an excuse to see that someone again. Yours, Alan.

Zahra: Dear Alan, I actually might have left something. I'm thinking a sponge? Or maybe part of a snack I ate during the surgery. I think I need to see you again. Perhaps out of the hospital? We don't want to worry your insurers. Zahra.

[last lines]

Alan: Keep believing, Kit, 'cause I believe in you. You're strong and young and you have time. I'm not so young, but I have to tell you, there's a force in my life now that makes me feel strong again. And I feel that there's time. There *must* be time.

Alan: Do I frighten you?

Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.

Alan: Do you want me to?

Mitch: Why haven't we met Rachel?

Alan: Yeah! What the fuck?

Alan: I'm Alan Lombardo: stage 3 lymphoma. Pleased to meet you.

Mitch: Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.

Adam: Oh, I'm Adam Lerner, schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.

Alan: What the fuck is that?

Mitch: Tough break. The more syllables, the worse it is.

[Adam is getting chemotherapy]

Alan: Want a macaroon?

Adam: Thanks. I'm alright.

Alan: [whispering] There's weed in 'em.

Adam: I don't do weed.

Alan: C'mon. Just get high with us!

[Adam reluctantly eats a macaroon]

Mitch: How old are you?

Adam: Twenty-seven.

Alan: That's just the worst. A perfectly good youth wasted.

Mitch: Alan, stop it. Don't listen to him, he's just messing with you.

Alan: Listen to me, this cancer is bullshit. First your hair's going to fall out, then your balls'll shrink. And if that isn't enough, your dick becomes a constant source of disappointment.

[Alan and Mitch laugh]

Adam: I got to tell you, I was really nervous about this whole cancer thing, and then I met you guys, and boy do I feel better.

Alan: You don't get it Stu. You. Just. Don't. Get It. I have over 60 apps on that phone. Do you know how much time and manhours it would take to redownload those apps?

Alan: Nothing worse than losing your phone.

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped. You sure there's nothing worse?

Stu: Do you even know how to get home?

Alan: Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger.

[from trailer]

Alan: My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!

[causes a car crash]

Phil: Hey, what's your password?

Alan: Hey Phil?

Phil: Yeah?

Alan: No, that's it.

Phil: What?

Alan: That's my password. Hey Phil.

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.

Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.

Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.

Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.

Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Phil: [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace] Agh. I'm okay.

Alan: Hey, Phil!

Phil: What's wrong?

Alan: Hold on a second.

[Gets out phone to take a picture]

Alan: Kick yourself out a little bit.

Phil: Alan...

Alan: Stay still!

Phil: Alan!... Did you get it?

Alan: I saw it in a porno-graphy.

[from trailer]

Alan: We can't be friends anymore. When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.

Mr. Chow: Yeah, but that's the point! It's funny!

Alan: Did you know your name used to be Carlos? I think it suits you better.

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]

Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!

Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...

Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!

Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?

Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...

[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]

Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!

[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

Marshall: [about Chow] He fucked me in the ass!

Alan: He does that from time to time.

Marshall: ...Not literally.

[last lines]

Alan: I'm ready.

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?

Alan: You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?

Stu: [Sarcastically] You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.

Tyler: Are you my real dad?

Alan: [after a long pause] Yes.

Sid: [Sid throws down the phone] That was the Mayor, Alan.

Alan: It was an accident. You said you love me no matter what I did.

Sid: I know and I do. You're my best friend but Alan why would you buy a giraffe?

Alan: I always wanted one! Could feed him from my tree house. Besides they remind me a lot of myself.

Sid: In what way?

Alan: They're majestic. Pensive and tall.

Sid: Pensive?

Alan: Yeah!

Sid: Where did you learn that word?

Alan: Rhymes with friends.

Sid: What friends Alan?

Alan: You can say it on random.

Sid: Alan aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't want to know the checks I had to write to fix this!

Alan: Oh please! We're rich!

Sid: We're not anything Alan! I am well off! You are my 40 year old son...

Alan: 42!

Sid: ...42 year old son who still lives at home! You either go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off!

Alan: You're bluffing. When 's dinner?

Sid: You're mother and I can't take it anymore!

Phil: [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona] You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.

Alan: Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.

Stu: Whoa! That's intense!

Phil: I almost died Phil!

Alan: Come on! I was not going to let you go you're my boy!

Phil: And you're my man!

Stu Price: [to the lyrics of "Allentown"] Well, we're living here in Alan Town / And he's driven our lives into the ground / When we woke up we were wasted and drunk / Phil got shot... / We got beaten by a monk... / I was happy and my life was good / Getting married like a dentist should / Roasting marshmallows on a stick / I got fucked in the ass... / By a girl with a dick...

Alan: Ha ha ha, I remember that.

Stu Price: And we're living here in Alan Town / But they're taking Teddy's finger now... / And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose my shit /... and shoot Alan in the face /... and shoot myself.

Alan: You totally butchered that song.

Stu Price: You totally butchered my life.

Stu Price: YOU'RE THE BEARDED DEVIL!

Alan: You liked it! You smiled at me when I held up the bag of marshmallows!

Stu Price: BECAUSE I LIKE MARSHMALLOWS, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!

Alan: [confused upon seeing a naked hermaphrodite] I don't get it. Is this a magic show?

Alan: My uncle Roger says he saw an albino polar bear once.

Stu Price: Really? Polar bears are white, how did he know it was albino?

Alan: This one was black.

Stu Price: Uh, are you sure it wasn't a black bear?

Alan: [after thinking] Whatevs.

Stu Price: Woah! Here's the deal man, I got a dark side. There's a demon in me.

Alan: It's true, he has semen in him.

Stu Price: I said demon.

Alan: But you also have semen in you remember, from the...

Stu Price: It's not relevant, but thank you Alan.

Alan: I'm a stay at home son.

Alan: So what, are you a doctor?

Teddy: No, not yet, I'm pre-med.

Alan: Ever heard of that guy, Doogie Howser?

Teddy: Yea?

Alan: Well, he turned out to be a gay!

Doug: Alan!

Alan: It's true, I read it in Teen People.

Alan: I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe someday.

Kimmy: This one was following me like little puppy dog all around, all night, saying that he fall in love with me, asked to marry me.

Alan: Classic Stu.

Kimmy: I dance for him, he tickle me, we have sex...

Phil: You're not married yet it's no big deal.

Stu Price: It's cheating. No offense to you, you're a lovely woman, it's a violation of my moral code.

Kimmy: What code is that? Stu you loved it, you were crying saying how special it was. I had to slow down so I didn't drop my load too quick.

Stu Price: Load?

Alan: What load?

Kimmy: Oh you know, my sperm.

Stu Price: That is wrong, you're talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?

Kimmy: My balls. You're in Bangkok, there's a reason they don't call it Bangcunt!

Stu Price: Oh my God! We kidnapped a monk!

Alan: We live an alternative lifestyle.

Alan: When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

Alan: I am a nurse, just not registered.

Grand Wizard: Perhaps you should bring your question to the Garden of Meditation.

Phil: Did you understand a word he just said?

Stu Price: Yeah I understood about two thirds. He said something about the Garden of Meditation.

Alan: No he said he's farting because of his medication.

Alan: What? It's a bag of Fanta!

Alan: [to Teddy] Sit down i got this. Sit down boy. That was a great speech sir. I like the comparisons between uh Stu and Rice. I've also prepared a few words. Hew everybody here are some fun facts. The population in Thailand is 63 million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It's chief exports are textiles, footwear, and rice. Each year approximately 13,000 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand is...

Doug: Alan why don't you skip to the last card there buddy

Alan: Ok, sorry.

[Flips through about 5 or 6 cards]

Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you, not you, not you, not you, not nobody knows Stu like i do. No one. I can't even tell you what we've been through because we made a pact more important than blood. What i can tell you is this, this is not Stu's first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple years ago...

Phil: All right time's up. You can sit down now bud. You can sit down.

Alan: It was good. I did good though.

Phil: Oh God you killed it.

Alan: OK thanks Phil.

Alan: Sit down, yeah

[applause]

Alan: [to Teddy] In your face.

Alan: Oh, my word!

Alan: What the crud?

Alan: You totally butchered that song.

Stu Price: You totally butchered my life.

Teddy: Hey... Can I sit here?

Alan: uh-uh... Wolfpack only

Alan: [as they are walking through the temple] What is this, a PF Changs?

Alan: I'm actually a part of this weird wolfpack. Hey, it's not weird it's pretty cool actually, no membership fees.

Linda Garner: [Enters] Excuse me boys

Doug: Hi Linda

Linda Garner: Hi Dougie

Alan: I guess we don't do dessert any more, I didn't get that memo

Linda Garner: Well I'm sorry darling, I'll be right back

Alan: Would a cupcake kill you?

[first lines]

Thom: Actually, sir, if you could just take a look now, I'd really appreciate it. There's this issue with my landlord. He's kind of on my back. So if you could just, please - please - thank you.

Alan: Not bad, nice work, good job. Thanks for coming in.

Scott: It is very clear that this guy is beyond lost and has no clue how to navigate his own actions.

Sam: Uh...

Scott: And what I like is he doesn't understand how the real world works...

Alan: Right.

Scott: ...and he's too afraid to show himself to the real world, and these are the seeds of his own undoing.

Sam: Oh, I don't...

Scott: He's a child. He's wandering alone in the woods... right?... Lost in the ether of his own neuroses. And this is powerful stuff.

Alan: Yeah. He's saying you wrote the perfect pussy.

Sam: The perfect pussy?

Alan: Yeah, the perfect pussy.

Scott: Now, around chapter 12... and I'm sorry to interrupt... but it's at this point in the story that it's pretty obvious that I completely side with the girl.

Alan: See, for me, it's more around chapters 10 and 11.

Sam: How can you say that? There's no real connection between them. It's not his fault.

Alan: They were in love. He just wasn't cognizant enough to see it.

Scott: Exactly, and now all she can do is accept the fact that he's completely inept.

Alan: That's right. He had it. He lost it because he suffocated her with his own fear. In the end, I mean, it's obvious that it can only be one thing, and that's that he's destined to be alone. It's really honest, and it's really simple.

Scott: Uh-huh.

Alan: He's cut everyone out. He's gonna continue to do that. He's gonna get over his issues with his mom and all that stuff.

Scott: He's gonna spend the rest of his life crippled by the fact that he wasn't able to show her love.

Alan: And if he did wake up, it would be a lot of substances and a lot of years later.

Scott: Mm-hmm.

Alan: And at that point, she would have banged half of Manhattan, so he wouldn't want her anyway, so romance or no romance, it's... it's over with.

Scott: Yeah.

[Alan taps a glass with a knife, causing it to break]

Alan: Okay, I'm not... payin' for that. It was already chipped.

Bart: Excuse me, Suzanne, can I meet your mother?

Suzanne: Sure. Bart, this is my mom...

Bart: Oh, Miss Mann, I've loved you my whole life. Ever since I was seven, I wanted to be you.

Alan: Bart does you in his drag show.

Bart: Oh, this is my lover, Alan. Yes, I wear a costume exactly like the one you wore in "That Marvelous Mrs. Markham."

Doris: Oh, the one with the corset? That was so difficult to wear...

Suzanne: Mom?

Doris: Oh, I must go, sorry, boys. It was very nice to meet you.

[whispering to Suzanne]

Doris: Sorry, dear, but you know how much the queens love me.

Arnold: Do you EVER think before you speak?

Alan: No. Why? Do you?

Arnold: Frequently. It helps to pass the time while you're speaking.

Alan: Why are all the mirrors covered?

Arnold: So we don't see the pain in our faces.

Alan: Why is everyone sitting on boxes?

Arnold: To make sure there's pain in our faces.

Ma: [in an undertone] You told me he was Jewish!

Arnold: Out-of-town Jewish.

Alan: I have a question.

Arnold: The answer is yes.

Alan: You don't even know what I was going to ask.

Arnold: Whatever it is, the answer is yes. I'm too tired to argue.

Alan: ...Good. Because I love you, too.

Ed: Why don't you ask Arnold? I'm sure he has lots to say on the subject.

Alan: He says you're a boring, self-centered, insensitive old fool who wouldn't know love if it wore wings, diaper, and shot heart-shaped arrows at your butt.

Alan: My dad knows a guy who knows a guy who works for NASA and he says if stare directly at the moon rock, you'll go blind.

Jerry: Aw bullshit.

Alan: Your feet must be tired, Sarah.

Sarah Dawson: Why?

Alan: Because you've been running through my mind all night.

Alan: Man is a machine that manufactures manure.

Alan: [to Orville's corpse] I'm gonna take your scraps and feed them to my dog.

Alan: Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Alan: Silence! The magnitude of your simplitude overwhelms me!

Paul: You mean this whole thing was a gag?

Alan: No, these are couple of real ghouls! They've just had a change of heart!

Emerson: Yeah, we're trying to go straight!

Jeff: You mean this whole thing was a gag?

Alan: No, these are couple of real ghouls! They've just had a change of heart!

Emerson: Yeah, we're trying to go straight!

Terry: Gee, Mr. Wizard, how do you get the litmus paper to turn blue?

Alan: The same way I get the egg into the Coke bottle, bitch.

Erin Castleton: But wouldn't you say that consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds?

Alan: Well, actually, its "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." That's Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Julie: You're such a pill.

Alan: What are you talking about? I'm not a pill. I like a good time as much as the next guy. I'm just... not the next guy.

Beatrice: [Alan has recently run into an ex] Maybe this is a second chance. It could be fate.

Alan: You always say you don't believe in fate.

Beatrice: Yes, because I have thought about it a lot. You? You definitely believe in this bullsh*t

Alice: [At a pub] So is this all people do in Dublin?

Alan: There's not that much to do in the evenings. Maybe in the summertime...

Alice: There must be something.

Alan: Play a few games of pool. Get a kebab?

Alice: I thought you were a tourist adviser?

Alan: We usually advise them to go somewhere else.

Alan: [Alan has just met Beatrice's new boyfriend] Doesn't he work in the pharmacy?

Beatrice: He gives me a discount on nicotine patches.

Beatrice: [Discussing Alan's breakup] You f*cked it up?

Alan: No why do you think it was me who f*cked it up?

Beatrice: It's 50/50 but more than likely, it is you, no?

Alice: Hey, if you had a summer romance with someone like eight years ago and they wanted you to stay an extra night to catch up, would you do it?

Airline Woman: And no funny business?

Alan: No!

Airline Woman: Like nothing?

Alan: Well, I can.

Alan: I don't know how you could come here every day.

Melanie: It's easy. I go to... I get up in the morning. I go to work. That's it.

Alan: So do I. That's it.

Melanie: No, what you do isn't work. It's...

Alan: Well, it pays my bills - and sometimes yours.

Alan: You don't... you don't hug anyone. You hugged a ho... a hobo?

Ben: Yeah. First I gave her all my money.

Marty: It's endlessly fucked up to me that you steal cars from dead people.

Alan: They're not dead people.

Ben: Yeah, they're dead people's relatives.

Marty: I remember when you were nice boys.

Melanie: You've got to be kidding me.

Alan: Says the girl who's wearing a waffle.

Alan: [holding a condom package] Kelsey, we sat you down today because we wanted to talk to you about...

Ben: [holding a banana] ... something very important.

Alan: First of all, what happens in Penthouse doesn't happen in real life.

Ben: It never looks that good. You don't want to get a girl pregnant before your, um, in love with her.

Alan: And ready to start a life... with her.

Ben: Yes. And each time you have sex, you are risking marriage.

Jane: [Angered that Alan has decided he didn't really want to sell the shop after all] Alan Finston, what's come over you? If you intend to go through with this idiocy, you and I are through!

Alan: Jane, you're right... You and I ARE through!

[laughs and pushes her out the door]

[last lines]

Todd: [starting race over megaphone] OK, time to get we!. Are you ready?

Alan: Todd, I just read the invoice from that surgical supply house.

Todd: [through megaphone] On your marks!

[to Alan]

Todd: So?

Alan: The thread, the surgical thread we used to sew the bikinis...

Todd: [through megaphone] Get set!

[to Alan]

Todd: What about it?

Alan: It's for dissolving stitches, Todd!

Todd: I know!

[fires starter's pistol]

Alan: So, tell me, Todd, what have you been up to lately?

Todd: Well, I was up in Seattle for a while... I finally found a backer for my solar-powered hot dog stands! Then it rained for 60 days in a row, the guy backed out, so... I just been traveling around, staying with friends.

Alan: [Just having signed over the bikini shop to Mr. Greene] So, Mr. Greene... Have you always been involved in retail?

Eric Greene: Retail?

[laughs dismissively]

Eric Greene: I find it utterly repugnant. No. I'm going to make a few structural changes to this place, and then turn it into a recruitment and meditation center for my organization... The Holistic Church of Truth and Tranquility.

Eric Greene: [Starts handing out brochures to Alan and the shop employees] We are offering an alternative lifestyle for young people seeking inner peace through meditation... prayer... and forfeiture of all worldly possessions. Perhaps you and the rest of your staff might be interested in joining our church. You may find yourselves seeking a new direction in life, now that you will be... UNEMPLOYED. Good day!

Alan: We're gonna have to work awfully hard to sell the store. See, it's got to be turned into a profit-making business in order to attract a buyer. Now, I figure it'll take a couple of weeks to get everything taken care of. In the meantime, we'll just live here. Now you, Todd, can either help me out or not. It's up to you.

Todd: [Grabbing milk carton from Alan, who is trying to put it away] No offense, pal, but I think living with you is gonna drive me crazy!

Alan: [Throwing up hands and storming off] Aagh!

Todd: ...I said, 'no offense!'

Yasmine: Just so you know,when this whole thing has started, I'm gonna need you to keep Gordon away from me!

Alan: What do you mean?

Yasmine: I don't know... cockblock him.

Alan: Cockblock him?

Yasmine: He's not fucking me! He's annoying, I hate him.

Alan: What am I supposed to do... it's like a free for all... how do i do that?

Yasmine: You're right... fine. I just don't wanna look at his stupid face... doggystyle?

Alan: That's a good idea.

Yasmine: OK.

Alan: OK.

Alan: Well it's 4 o'clock on this lovely, peaceful Christmas afternoon and this is Dickie Bird here being a very happy Christmas worm. You know, I got really sentimental after the morning show today, and I thought about poor, old Steve Kelly having to come in here and spend the afternoon away from his lovely wife and happy kids, so bachelor-boy Dickie volunteered and here I am. You know, I must be crackers, mad or crazy, but to tell you the truth, we're having a pretty good time in Metro Sound today. There's definitely a party atmosphere. We've got the food, we've got the goodies and the odd drink or two, so don't you feel too sorry for us. And, anyway, Hilary Sandeman has promised all us Christmas workers an extra four weeks holiday in the Caribbean as a means of compensation, so that can't be at all bad. An awfully nice boss Hilary is. So I hope that you'll stay with us and let us join your party, or if you haven't got a party of your own, you come and join ours. So cheers everybody in this great big, weird and wonderful city of ours. And listen folks, I'm not going to tell you what the time is today, or tell you what the traffic is doing, or tell you what's happening with the weather. Oh no, we're gonna have a day away from all that. I'm just gonna sit back, play you some very nice music, talk my head off, and tell you some of the worst jokes that you're ever likely to repeat. So in the meantime, here's a little bit of music while I tuck in to my Christmas pud. Merry Christmas, everybody, God bless us, everyone.

Molly: So, what did you think, did I write it well?

Alan: Yeah... You know, er... It's hard, it's the start, it's 2 pages...

Molly: Come on, tell me, really.

Alan: It's hard to say, it's 2 pages. It's missing the middle and an end, and most of the beginning.

Molly: Wouldn't it be easier just to say you don't like it?

Alan: Dear sweet simple minded Barbara Ann. Barbara Ann whose deepest and most heartfelt yearnings express with a kind of touching lyricism the total vulgarity of our time.

Alan: Mollymauk does not fool around.

Barbara Ann: What do you want from me? I'll be a cocktail waitress, like Marie... Oh, the hell I will. I'll do something else. I'll... I'll be a prostitute, that's what I'll be. You get to pick your customers. And you get paid for it. That sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it? I'll be a prostitute.

Alan: [soberly] Barbara Ann...

Barbara Ann: Yes?

Alan: There's been an accident... There has been an accident.

Bob Barnard: [Alan has climbed up on a front-end loader] Al, what are you doing on that big machine? Golly Moses, Al! What big teeth it has!

Alan: All the better to eat you with, my dear!

[Alan is trying to break up an argument between Deputy Norris and Danforth]

Alan: You know, guys, I moved here and I thought, Great! I'm outta the big city and I'm finally in a place where everybody isn't gonna be crawling up everybody's asshole every day! A place where maybe my biggest nightmare is gonna be getting some goddamn cat out of a tree! But forget that! EVERYBODY IS INSANE, EVERYWHERE!

Father Meehan: If there's a devil in this town, it's that damned Reverend Willie Rose!

Alan: You believe me now, Father? You still think he's a decent man? The Devil just blew up your damn church!

Father Meehan: That's not the Devil. It's those God-damned Baptists!

Alan: Do you believe in the Devil, Father?

Father Meehan: I guess I have to. You can't have one without the other. Do you believe in God, Alan?

Alan: What's he look like?

Father Meehan: Look like?

Alan: Yeah. The Devil. What the hell does he look like?

Father Meehan: Well, he looks like you and me, I imagine.

Alan: So he could get his claws in us without our ever knowing, make us do things that we normally would never do. Terrible things.

Alan: Have you ever noticed the older you get the smaller you become?

Alan: For the most part, good behavior goes unnoticed. Oh nevermind, what do you care?

Avery: [to Jessie] What are my chances of getting out of this?

Jessie: [to Alan] Lie to Him

Alan: [to Avery] Pretty good!

Jessie: [hands out items to gang] Books... binoculars... RyKrisp.

Alan: RyKrisp?

Jessie: Birdwatchers *love* it!

Nikki: Ah, look, K.F.C.

Alan: What?

Nikki: Ka-Fucking-Ching!

Jane: Hey.

Alan: [hands her a folder]

Jane: [looking through the pages] Where did you get these?

Alan: Somebody from the archives delivered them.

Jane: [continues to look through the pages, getting upset] That's not possible... My foster parents would have told me.

Alan: Jane. These files just... didn't appear out of the blue... You ordered them.

Jane: When?

Alan: You tell me.

Jane: [through her teeth] I can't remember.

Alan: You own that house.

Jane: [Slams her hand on the table and shouts] NO!

[takes a deep breath]

Jane: I forget "little" things, like appointments, birthdays, pick-ups...

[starts hyperventilating]

Jane: Not...

Alan: [squats down to face her] I'm sorry.

[looks away]

Alan: I shouldn't even be here; I should have picked her up.

[when Jane doesn't answer]

Alan: The trust fund has been paying the property tax. It's managed by a... Patrick Ryer? I think you have an uncle. That explains why you keep trying to photograph the place.

Jane: [doesn't say anything, looks at Alan helplessly]

Alan: Jane hey... Hey.

[puts her hand on her cheek]

Alan: We're gonna figure this out.

Louis: I want to give her everything. And I want to take everything from her.

Alan: Oh Louis, you're a lost man.

Alan: What happened to you guys?

Captain Tony Stone: Oh, I wouldn't worry, we do all our own stunts.

Emory: Ooh, I'd love to meet him. Or her. I have such a problem with pronouns.

Alan: How many S's are in the word pronoun?

Emory: How'd you like to kiss my ass? That's got two S's in it.

Alan: How would you like to blow me?

Emory: What's the matter, your wife's got lockjaw?

Alan: What's your name?

Rebecca: Rebecca.

Alan: My name is Alan, and I love you.

[They kiss]

Alan: How long will I live?

Cesare: Till the break of dawn.

Alan: You're such a lousy lawyer, you struck one of your witnesses on the stand!

Emma: That was because he was lying.

Alan: Then you called a dog as a witness!

Emma: At least he didn't lie!

Alan: There's gonna be all kinds of complications we haven't even thought about yet.

Steve: Yeah? What?

Alan: Well, I hadn't thought about them yet.

Alan: What do you do when you don't know what you want? When you know you're desperate but don't know why. When you can't express how you feel, even to yourself. And when a way out seems a thousand to one chance.

[David is flying a kite.]

Alan: Hey, I was looking all over for you and I figured you'd be here. Look, I made my own kite!

[Holds up his kite, which reads "I AM AN" followed by many photocopies of a butt]

Alan: I am an ass. Yes, that is my own ass and the people at Kinko's weren't too happy, but that's nothing a little Windex won't take care of, right?

Alan: You know, the whole Twinky thing would be freaky enough if you didn't also have to wear it.

Alan: [Crying] I loved you! Tell me I meant something to you!

Jenny: Of course you meant something.

David: I know what your capable of.

Alan: I've changed!

David: People don't change Alan!