Agnes Finch Quotes in Running with Scissors (2006)

Dr. Finch: Everyone! Come quickly! Wake up! Wake up! A miracle! A miracle! A miracle has occured!

Agnes Finch: What're you looking at?

Natalie: Dad's morning shit.

Dr. Finch: See? See how the duplicoil is breaking out of the surface of the water? Holy Father.

Agnes Finch: Doctor, let me draw you a nice bath.

Dr. Finch: Agnes, go get a shoehorn. A shoehorn, Agnes.

Hope: But what does it mean, Dad?

Dr. Finch: It means our financial situation is turning around. It means things are looking upward. Literally, the shit is pointing out of the pot! Towards Heaven, to God. My turd is a direct communication from the Holy Father.

[Augusten and Natalie try to hide their laughter]

Dr. Finch: No, no, no, no, children. No. Laugh. Laugh! God is... He is the funniest man in the universe. Agnes, I want you to carefully remove this, take it outside, and let it dry in the sun. We're starting a shrine, Agnes. A shrine. Hope, let's prepare.

Agnes Finch: Natalie is not coming. I told her I'd deal with it.

Augusten Burroughs: Don't try to stop me, Agnes. I'm going. I'm going to miss you.

Agnes Finch: I'll miss you, too. You're a... the best son a mom could ever want. You need to know that.

[She hands him a small box filled with money]

Augusten Burroughs: Oh, my God. Agnes, there's - there's a lot of money here.

Agnes Finch: A penny here, a dime there. It adds up. The Doctor doesn't know I have it, of course. No one does. You know, this morning, the IRS came again. And I almost gave it to them. Then I though, "No. For once in my life, I'm going to invest wisely." When you write a book, you send me a copy. Goodbye, my sweet boy.

Augusten Burroughs: Agnes. What're you gonna do now?

Agnes Finch: I don't know. Maybe I'll take down the Christmas tree.

Augusten Burroughs: Agnes, what are you going to do now?

Agnes Finch: Maybe I'll take down the Christmas tree.