Agent Simmons Quotes in Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

Agent Simmons: A Mojito has ice, ICE! We're not savages!

Agent Simmons: Last night at the station, you told the officer your car transformed. Enlighten me.

Sam Witwicky: Well, here's what I said, okay? 'Cause this is a total misunderstanding that my car had been stolen...

Agent Simmons: Really?

Sam Witwicky: ...from me, from my home, but it's fine now because it's back! It came back!

Mikaela: Well, not by itself.

Sam Witwicky: Well, no.

Mikaela: Because cars don't do that because that would be crazy.

[everyone laughs]

Agent Simmons: So what do you kids know about aliens, huh?

[laughing stops]

Captain Lennox: [points a gun at Simmons] Take him to his car!

[a standoff ensues between the Special Forces and Sector 7]

Tom Banachek: Whoa whoa whoa...

Agent Simmons: Drop your weapon, solider. There's an alien war going on and you're gonna shot me?

Captain Lennox: You know, we didn't ask to be here.

Agent Simmons: I'm ordering you under S-Seven executive jurisdiction...

USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: S-7 don't exist!

Captain Lennox: Right, and we don't take orders from people that don't exist.

Agent Simmons: I'm gonna count to five, okay...

Captain Lennox: Well, I'm gonna count to three.

[cocks his gun]

Agent Simmons: What you're about to see is totally classified...

[Project Iceman is reveled: a towering mechanical clossus, imprisoned in a cryogenic chamber]

Keller: Dear God... what is this?

Tom Banachek: We think that when he made his approach over the North Pole our gravitation field screwed up his telemetry and crashed into the ice, probably a few thousand years ago. We shipped him here to this facility in 1934.

Agent Simmons: We call him NBE-1.

Sam Witwicky: I don't mean to correct you on all that you think you know, but that's Megatron. He's the leader of the Decepticons.

Tom Banachek: He's been in cryo-stasis since 1935. Your great-great-grandfather made one of the greatest discoveries in the history of mankind.

Agent Simmons: Fact is, you're looking at the source of the modern age. The microchip, lasers, cars, space flight: all reverse-engineered by studying him. NBE-1...

[glares at Sam]

Agent Simmons: That's what we call IT!

Keller: And you didn't think that the United States Military might need to know that you're keeping a hostile alien robot frozen in the basement?

Tom Banachek: Until these events we had no credible threats to national security.

Keller: Well, you got one now!

Sam Witwicky: Where's my car?

Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here. We need to know everything you know, and we need to know it right now.

Sam Witwicky: Okay... But first I'll take my car, my parents - maybe you should write that down. Oh, and her juvie record. That's gotta be gone. Like, forever.

Tom Banachek: [exhales] Come with me. We'll talk about your car.

Mikaela: [to Sam] Thank you.

Sam Witwicky: Sure.

Agent Simmons: [deep sigh] The man's an extortionist.

Agent Simmons: Ronald Wikity?

Ron Witwicky: It's Witwicky. Who are you?

Agent Simmons: We're the government. Sector Seven.

Ron Witwicky: Never heard of it.

Agent Simmons: Never will.

Agent Simmons: [staring at Optimus Prime] Hi, there.

Optimus Prime: You don't seem afraid. Are you not surprised to see us?

Agent Simmons: Look, there are certain rules I have to abide by. I'm not authorized to communicate with you except... to say I can't communicate with you...

Optimus Prime: Get out of the car.

Agent Simmons: Right. Uh, me? You want me to...?

Optimus Prime: Now!

Agent Simmons: Mean little sucker, huh?

Maggie Madsen: That thing is freaky!

Agent Simmons: Kinda like the itty-bitty Energizer Bunny from hell, huh?

Bumblebee: [through his radio] "Message from Starfleet, Captain... Let's get to it!"

Captain Lennox: He's right. If we stay here, we're screwed with Megatron in the other hanger. Mission City is 22 miles away. We're going to sneak that Cube out of here and hide it somewhere in the city.

Keller: Good, right!

Captain Lennox: But we cannot make a stand without the Air Force.

Keller: This place must have some sort of radio link.

Agent Simmons: Yes!

Keller: Shortwave, CV...

Agent Simmons: Right, yes!

Captain Lennox: [to Keller] Sir, you're going to have to find some way to get word out to them... Let's move!

[Epps and Glen stare at the gashes in the All Spark chamber]

USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: What's that? Freddy Krueger been up in here or something?

Glen Whitmann: Oh, no, man. Freddy Krueger have four blades, man. That's only three. That's Wolverine!

[growls and laughs]

Glen Whitmann: Right? That's Wolverine!

Agent Simmons: [in a serious tone] That's very funny.

Agent Simmons: She's a criminal. And criminals are HOT!

Agent Simmons: [looks at a Nokia phone] Ooh. Nokias are real nasty. You've gotta respect the Japanese. They know the way of the samurai...

Maggie Madsen: Nokia's from Finland.

Keller: Yes, but he's, you know, a little strange. He's a little strange.

Sam Witwicky: What is Sector 7? Answer me!

Agent Simmons: I ask the questions round here, not you, young man!

Mikaela: All right, how did you know about the aliens?

Sam Witwicky: Where did you take my parents?

Agent Simmons: I am not at liberty to discuss...

[Sam snatches his badge away]

Agent Simmons: Hey, you touch me, that's a federal offense!

Sam Witwicky: [holding it up] "Do whatever you want and get away with it" badge, right?

Agent Simmons: Brave now, all of a sudden with his big alien friends standing over there.

Agent Simmons: I'm gonna lock you up forever!

Mikaela: [to Sam] Oh God, you know what? Don't listen to him, he's just pissy because he has to get back to guarding the mall.

Agent Simmons: You in the training bra, do not test me!

Keller: Simmons?

Agent Simmons: Yes, sir?

Keller: I'd do what he says. Losing's really not an option for these guys.

Agent Simmons: All right, okay! Hey, you want to lay the fate of the world on the kid's Camaro? That's cool.

Agent Simmons: [to the Special Ops team] All right, you've all had direct contact with the NBEs...

Captain Lennox: NBEs?

Agent Simmons: Non-Biological Extraterrestrials. Try to keep up with the acronyms.

Agent Simmons: [holding up a badge] You see this? This is a "Do whatever I want and get away with it" badge!

Ron Witwicky: You're not taking my son.

Agent Simmons: Really? You gonna get rough with us?

Ron Witwicky: No, but I'm gonna call the cops because there's something fishy going on around here.

Agent Simmons: Yeah. There's something a little fishy about you, your son, your little Taco Bell dog and this whole operation you got going on here.

Ron Witwicky: What operation?

Agent Simmons: That is what we are gonna find out.

[Bumblebee pours oil over Agent Simmons]

Agent Simmons: HEY! HEEYYY!

Optimus Prime: Bumblebee, stop lubricating the man!

Agent Simmons: GET THAT THING TO STOP, HUH?

Agent Simmons: Get out of the way, get out of the way!

[raises a flamethrower and torches Frenzy]

Agent Simmons: BURN, YOU LITTLE SUCKER, BURN!

[Simmons, Keller, Maggie and Glenn test a radio to see if it still operates]

Agent Simmons: [finding success] We're hot! We're live!

Glen Whitmann: Where are the mics?

Agent Simmons: [freezes] ... Mics?

Glen Whitmann: This doesn't work without mics, Simmons!

Agent Simmons: No, no, no, no, no!

Agent Simmons: Anything's possible!

[Leo comes out of bathroom with pants down and trips, accidentally tazers himself in the chest and falls on top of the guard he had just tased]

Agent Simmons: [entering the toilet] What is going on here?

Leo Spitz: [in agony] How many times can you get tazered in the nuts before you can't have kids?

Agent Simmons: You're an amateur, kid, a rank amateur.

[Wheelie leads the group to an SR-71 Blackbird jet]

Wheelie: Oh, there he is... This guy's a legend, like the Chairman of the Board! Yo, freshman, point the shard and watch the magic happen.

[Sam sticks the Allspark shard into the jet. Mikaela makes a closer examination of the plane, and discovers a symbol... ]

Mikaela Banes: Oh, shit... It's a Deception!

Agent Simmons: Decepticon? Behind the MiG NOW!

[Sam, Mikaela, Leo and Simmons scramble away as the Blackbird transforms]

Jetfire: What sort of hideous mausoleum is this?

[Jetfire spots the humans]

Jetfire: Answer me, pawns and knaves! Show yourselves, or suffer my infinite wrath!

[Cautiously, the humans approach the robot]

Jetfire: You little spinal-cord-based organisms...!

[bangs his head on a model of a satellite, which drops and just misses Sam]

Jetfire: Oh, bugger it!

[stands upright]

Jetfire: Behold, the eternal glory of Jetfire! Prepare for remote systems override!

Wheelie: I tell you, this guy did NOT age well!

Mikaela Banes: I don't think he's gonna hurt us...

Leo Spitz: [about Simmons] You know him?

Sam Witwicky: We're old friends.

Agent Simmons: Old FRIENDS? You are the case that shut down Sector Seven. Now that it disbanded, no security clearance, no retirement, no nothing! All because of you!

[looks at Mikaela]

Agent Simmons: And your little criminal girlfriend. Look at her now, so mature.

Jetfire: This planet was visited by our race once before, by our earliest ancestors, millennia ago. They were on an exploratory mission to harvest Energon, the lifeblood of our race. Without it, we'll all perish, oxidize and rust... like my wretched self! Do you have any idea what it's like to slowly fall part and die?

Agent Simmons: Let's not get episodic, okay, old-timer? Beginning, middle, end. Facts, details. Condense: Plot. Tell it!

[surrounded by Devastator's Constructicon vehicles]

Agent Simmons: You ever see "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral"?

Leo Spitz: No.

Agent Simmons: Starring Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas?

Leo Spitz: No, why?

Agent Simmons: Looks like we're right in the middle of it.

Leo Spitz: Is that good?

Agent Simmons: A lot of people died.

[the Constructicons transform and combine to form Devastator]

Wheelie: I will have so many Decepticons on your butt!

Mikaela Banes: [brings out blowtorch] Hey, behave!

Sam Witwicky: What is it, a Decepticon?

Mikaela Banes: Yeah.

Sam Witwicky: And you're training him?

Mikaela Banes: I'm trying to.

Agent Simmons: I spent my whole adult life combing the planet for aliens, and you're carrying around one in your purse like a little Chihuahua.

Wheelie: Huh? Do you want a throwdown, you pubic 'fro-head?

Sam Witwicky: Look, I am slowly losing my mind, okay? I had a little crab bot plug in to my brain and start projecting little alien symbols like a freaking home movie! And on top of that, I am a wanted fugitive! So you think you got it rough?

Agent Simmons: You said it projected images from your brain?

Sam Witwicky: Yeah.

Agent Simmons: Meat locker, now!

Agent Simmons: Before I got fired, I looked through Sector Seven's crown jewel. Several files of alien research point to one inescapable fact: the Transformers, they've been here a long, long time. How do I know?

[tosses a box file to Leo]

Agent Simmons: Archeologists found these unexplained markings on ancient ruins all over the world: China, Egypt, Greece...

[runs an old film that shows archeologists and the said markings]

Agent Simmons: Shot in 1932. These the symbols you're seeing in your head? Same ones over here, right? So tell me, how did they end up all drawing the same thing?... Aliens. And I think some of them stayed. Check this out: Project Black Knife...

[holds up photos of vehicles]

Agent Simmons: Robots in disguise, hiding here! We detected radioactive signatures all across the country. I pleaded on my knees with S-7 to investigate, but they said the readings were infinitesimal, that I was obsessed! Me! Can you imagine that?

[in the middle of the Egyptian desert]

Leo Spitz: [looking around] Hey, I think we're in Vegas!

Agent Simmons: That really, really hurt. You're just lucky that I didn't get hurt! People could have gotten killed, okay? And if I would have gotten hurt, you would have heard...

Jetfire: Oh, shut up! I told you I was opening a space bridge, it's the fastest way to travel to Egypt.

Sam Witwicky: [his hand injured and bandaged] When did you... When did you tell us? You didn't tell us anything. You didn't tell us anything. Why are we in Egypt?

Jetfire: Don't you get snippy with me, fleshling! You were duly informed!

Agent Simmons: One man, alone...

Leo Spitz: Stop saying that!

Agent Simmons: ...betrayed by the country he loves...

Leo Spitz: Oh, my goodness, I'm in the car with you. You're not alone.

Jetfire: I have issues of my own, and it started with my mother! My ancestors have been here for centuries! My father, why, he was a wheel! The FIRST wheel! Do you know what he tranformed into?

Agent Simmons: No.

Leo Spitz: What?

Jetfire: NOTHING! But he did so with honour! DIGNITY, damn it!

[At dawn, Sam looks up in the sky and makes a discovery]

Sam Witwicky: [points at a cluster of stars] See those stars, see how the last one touches the horizon? That's Orion's Belt. It's also called the Three Kings, the reason for that is because the three Egyptian kings who ruled in Giza built them to mirror those stars. So, it's like an arrow staring you in the face...

Agent Simmons: They all point due east, towards Jordan. The mountains of Petra...

Leo Spitz: That's it! No mas! I'm not going anywhere, all right? And you guys are crazy! You don't even know where you're going! I'm staying! Who's with me, huh?

[no response]

Leo Spitz: Viva la revolution!

Mikaela Banes: Good luck, Leo.

Sam Witwicky: Enjoy the heat!

Agent Simmons: You're better off staying, you're slowing down the mission. I give you twenty minutes before the vultures start pecking at you like lunch meat! Try swallowing your tongue, go out quickly. End it with dignity.

[Everyone gets in the car and leaves]

Leo Spitz: Wait, wait, wait! Don't leave me with this old-ass plane... WAIT!

[runs after the convoy]

[a diminutive Egyptian Guard comes up to them]

Agent Simmons: These are my people. I'm one-thirty-six Arab.

Wheelie: Great, a freaking Munchkin! Little people are mean. Tell him he's tall.

Mikaela Banes: You live with your momma?

Agent Simmons: No, my momma lives with me. There's a big difference.

[Leo observes Frenzy's head in a jar]

Agent Simmons: Hey! Still radioactive, hands off!

Agent Simmons: [positioned under Devastator on the pyramid to give a position for the rail gun, sees two wrecking balls hanging from Devastator's groin] I am directly below... the enemy's scrotum.

Agent Simmons: [handing out a jar] Here, take one of these pills and slip it under your tongue. It's the high concentrate Polymer they put in Oreo cookies. It flukes the polygraph every time.

Leo Spitz: Dead pigs.

Mikaela Banes: YUCK!

Agent Simmons: What you are about to see is top secret. Do *not* tell my mother!

[Simmons reveals a secret bunker in a meat locker]

Leo Spitz: Swine flu, not good.

Agent Simmons: Now you know: next time you eat a goat or a pig, there's a story behind it, sad little story.

[Sam, Mikaela, Leo and Simmons run after Jetfire, the Autobots joining in the chase]

Agent Simmons: [looking back at the smashed wall] The museum is going to be very angry, very angry! We gotta catch that plane!

[Devastator climbs the Great Pyramid]

Agent Simmons: Oh, God, this is it. The Pyramid's built right over the machine! They turn that machine on... no more sun. Not on my watch. Not on MY watch!

[climbs the Pyramid]

[drawing away the Decepticons]

Agent Simmons: One man, alone, abandoned by the country he loves...

Leo Spitz: [breaking down during the assault by the Decepticons] Oh, God. Please, God! Please...!

Mikaela Banes: Leo, stop freaking out, stop freaking out.

Agent Simmons: Shut this guy up, huh?

Leo Spitz: Please, just let me live, just let me live!

Mikaela Banes: Shut up and let him drive!

Sam Witwicky: Just stop screaming...

Agent Simmons: All right, that's it!

[tases Leo, rendering him unconscious]

Agent Simmons: I can't take that guy anymore.

Leo Spitz: We're trusting old Grandpa Blackbird, who can't even remember which planet he's on?

[at Petra]

Agent Simmons: Well, in his defense, this is the biggest doorway I've seen in my life.

Leo Spitz: All right. Let me do a quick check.

[looks around]

Leo Spitz: Nope! Doesn't look like archeologists have been here, guys?

[on the radio with a difficult captain]

Agent Simmons: We have got the mother of ALL NBEs on us...!

[Devastator is destroyed]

Agent Simmons: YEAH!

Agent Simmons: Sometimes you make it to the end of the rainbow, and a leprechaun's placed a booby-trap on you!

Agent Simmons: [ripping off pants and throwing them to Sam] Hold those.

[he is wearing a jock strap]

Sam Witwicky: What is THAT?

Agent Simmons: What? Oh, I wear it when I'm in a funk. So does Giambi, Jeter... It's a baseball thing.

Agent Simmons: [about the Great Pyramid] Aliens built that! Yeah!