Agent J Quotes in Men in Black 3 (2012)


Agent J Quotes:

  • Agent J: [sees Young Agent O] O? No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, and K is masculine. You know, I see a couple, I'm like, "O-K."

  • Young Agent K: Look, slick, seeing I live past this, can you tell me whether me and O...?

    Agent J: A wise man told me once: don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

    Young Agent K: I said that, didn't I?

  • Agent K: You are suspended for two weeks.

    Agent J: Bullshit.

    Agent K: Four weeks.

  • [J is held by two 1969 cops]

    Agent J: Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!

    [the cops neuralyze themselves]

    Agent J: That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!


    Agent J: OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.

  • Agent J: Damn it! We had him!

    Young Agent K: Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.

    Agent J: First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.

    Young Agent K: We need pie.

    Agent J: What?

    Young Agent K: My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.

    Agent J: Pie?

    Young Agent K: Yeah.

    Agent J: Your granddaddy, heavyset man?

    Young Agent K: A little bit.

    Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.

    Young Agent K: Sounds good.

  • Griffin: There's no other way for this to work, K has to be the one to go. K is the only one who can save the world.

    Agent J: If he does this, is there ANY future where he lives?

    Griffin: Yes. But where there is death, there will always be death.

  • Agent J: My daddy gave me this watch, it was the only thing he ever did as I never saw him while growing up...

    Agent K: Don't you disrespect your daddy!

  • Agent K: Do you know the most destructive force in the universe?

    Agent J: Sugar?

    Agent K: Regret.

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: I'm looking for K, have you seen him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman, smiles like this...

    [J makes a poker face]

    Agent O: K's been dead for over forty years.

  • [a tasered J wakes up in 1969 MIB headquarters]

    Agent J: You need to turn the electricity on that damn thing. I can't taste my fricking tongue, K.

    Young Agent K: How do you know my name?

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: I know what you're thinking: MIB, 3-D, we're going to be blowing stuff up and all that. But that's not really what we're doing right now. We're here for one purpose, and for one purpose only: Just to let you know that I'm about to make 3-D look good.

  • Agent J: You're gonna lose!

    Boris The Animal: Let's agree to disagree!

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: All right, pay attention...

    [neuralyzes a crowd]

    Agent J: Okay. You know how you kids won the goldfish in that little baggy at the school fair, and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you flushed it down the toilet? Well, this's what happened...

    [points to an alien fish towed away]

  • Young Agent K: Who are you, and what do you know?

    Agent J: I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!

    Young Agent K: [deadpan] All right.

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: Hey man, heck, how old are you?

    Young Agent K: Twenty-nine.

    Agent J: You got some city miles on you...

  • Young Agent K: I can see why I recruited you. You're a good man.

    Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?

    Young Agent K: I told you, it hasn't happened yet...

  • Agent K: Boris the Animal: I blew off his arm and had him imprisoned at Lunamax. Biggest mistake I ever made.

    Agent J: Sorry, man. Was he innocent?

    Agent K: I should have killed him!

  • Agent J: Hey, ain't you coming?

    Griffin: [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.

    Agent J: I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!

    [goes on ahead]

    Griffin: [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...

  • Agent O: Wait. How long have you been craving chocolatized diary products?

    Agent J: Just today.

    Agent O: Are you experiencing headaches? Dizziness? Loss of balance?

    Agent J: Mm-hm.

    Agent O: Agitation? Depression?

    Agent J: Hell, yeah.

    Agent O: Ah. There are only two possibilities. One is you've been bitten by the Horvatian brain tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment.

    [slaps J]

    Agent O: [beat] Damn it. It's not the tick.

    Agent J: "Damn it, it's not the tick"? It's something worse than the tick?

  • [from trailer]

    Andy Warhol: Dammit K, trying to blow my cover?

    Agent J: Whoa, Andy Warhol's one of US?

    Andy Warhol: Who's the dumbass?

    Agent J: You know, I'd have no problem pimp-slapping the shiznit out of Andy Warhol.

  • [Z's eulogy]

    Agent K: I worked for Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. Heve never asked to me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. Thank you.

    Agent O: Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.

    Agent J: That was your eulogy?

    Agent K: He was a good man.

    Agent O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms, when I told the Felucian Zyglot about Zed's passing, she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. Ahem.

    [starts screeching in an alien tongue]

    Agent O: That's just so Zed.

  • Agent J: [about to time-jump] Hey, how come I can remember K but nobody else does?

    Jeffrey Price: Whoa, that means you were there!

    Agent J: I was where?

    Jeffrey Price: If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?

    Agent J: Where was I?

    Jeffrey Price: You got to go! Just go, go, go!

  • Agent J: [Neuralizing another crowd of bystanders] Thank you. Okay, you know how your kid won that goldfish in that little baggie from the school fair and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house, so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flushed it down the toilet? Well, this is what happens. Okay? Y'know what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids.

  • Jeffrey Price: Okay. What's the plan?

    Agent J: You're gonna send me back to July 15, 1969.

    Jeffrey Price: No, that's a stupid plan because I sent Boris to July 16th.

    Agent J: I'm not worried about that one. I'm gonna go back and kill the younger Boris before the older one even shows up.

    Jeffrey Price: That way neither of them will even exist. That's why you get to wear the black suit.

    [wants to fist bump]

    Jeffrey Price: No? You're gonna leave me hanging. Okay. Oh, I just thought of something. You know, even way back then New York was a big-ish city. So I mean, how are you gonna really find him?

    Agent J: On July 15th, Boris killed an alien, Roman the Fabulist, at Coney Island.

    Jeffrey Price: You're gonna get there first and be waiting for him? Dude, they should give you like two black suits.

    Agent J: My man, for real?

  • Agent J: There's no such thing as time travel.

    Agent O: Well, there is.

    Agent J: No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?

    Agent O: Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.

    Agent J: You know what? I need a pay raise.

  • Agent K: I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.

    Agent J: [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?

  • Griffin: Any future where you succeed, is one where you tell the truth.

    Agent J: The TRUTH?

  • Young Agent K: Why don't you come with me to Room 43 for one final enquiry: an eye exam.

    Agent J: [at Room 43] That's not an eye exam... that's a big-ass neuralyzer!

    Young Agent K: You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.

  • Agent O: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

    Agent J: It's funny, K said exactly the same thing.

    Agent O: He's a very wise man.

  • Agent J: Hey, I saw you doing that whole future thing with the Colonel. What did you show him?

    Griffin: Only what he needed to know.

  • Agent J: [Neuralizing a crowd of bystanders] Okay, you know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off? And you're like, "I ain't turning my cell phone off. That ain't have nothing to do with no damn airplane." Well, this is what we get. That's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, then blam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight 'cause your GPS don't work.

  • Agent J: Can you promise me something, if I go first, you'll do better than that at my funeral? Yeah, something like, uh: "J was a friend. Now there's a big part of me that's gone. Oh, J, all the things I should have said, except I was too old and craggy and surly and just tight. I was too tight. Now, I'm gonna just miss your caramel-brown skin."

    Agent K: I'll wing something.

  • 1969 NYPD Cop #1: Where did you get the car?

    1969 NYPD Cop #2: And the suit?

    Agent J: I stole them both.

    Agent J: [to Cop 1] Uh, car from your wife...

    Agent J: [to Cop 2] ... suit from your grandmother.

  • [from trailer]

    Agent K: There are things out there you don't need to know about.

    Agent J: That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: [to K] I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how YOU feel.

  • [from trailer]

    Young Agent K: Okay, future man, where to?

    Agent J: First of all, I'm gonna need my gun.

    [K gives J a pistol]

    Agent J: No no no, space gun!

  • Agent J: I was on my way to my girlfriend's house.

    Young Agent K: What's your girlfriend's name?

    Agent J: Shh...

    [pauses, thinking]

    Agent J: Darren.

    Young Agent K: Schdarren?

  • [J is able to rewind time and evade Boris's attack]

    Boris The Animal: It's not possible...

    Agent J: Let's agree to disagree!

    [knocks Boris into a jet blast]

    Boris The Animal: [falling] IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

  • Young Agent K: You said we don't talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question. Anything you want, just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case... just let her rip.

    Agent J: What's up with you and O?

    Young Agent K: Me and O?

    Agent J: Yeah, you and O.

    Young Agent K: All right, all right... all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones...

    Agent J: Rings a bell.

    Young Agent K: We believed he's on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny... great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler's Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...

    Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?

    Young Agent K: I don't know, it hasn't happened yet? Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?

    Agent J: I got you!

  • Agent K: There are things out there you don't need to know about.

    Agent J: That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!

    Agent K: I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.

    Agent J: [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?

    Agent K: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

  • Jeffrey Price: Do not lose that time device or you will be stuck in 1969! It wasn't the best time for your people. I'm just saying. It's a lot cooler, now.

    Agent J: How will I know if it works?

    Jeffrey Price: You'll either know or you won't.

  • Agent J: Man, I was an agent for three years before I realized that all models were aliens.

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: Knuckles, you know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!

    Hood: Who's Knuckles?

    [a graffiti drawing comes to life in front of the hood]

    Knuckles: Relax, punk. They're looking for me, not you!

    Agent J: Crazy, right? Two grown men talking to the wall, wall talking back? It's a mess. Hey, don't even worry about it.

    [flashes the neuralyzer]

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: Who are we?

    Agent K: We are no-one. Our mission is to monitor extraterrestrial activity on Earth.

  • [about to be neuralyzed]

    Agent J: K, if you see Boris tomorrow, kill him! Don't arrest him, just kill him!

  • [K handles an old cellphone]

    Agent J: That's a big phone. Don't hold it up to your head!

  • Agent J: [to K] Look, man, promise me that if my time comes you will give me a better speech than what you did for Z...

  • Agent J: You know, we been doing some pretty smart stuff over the past day or so, how about we do something stupid? Let's go get some pie!

  • [from trailer]

    [at the top of the Chrysler Building]

    Jeffrey Price: [hands J a device] Here, take this, and all you have to do is jump.

    Agent J: You want me to jump?

    Jeffrey Price: Time jump!

  • Agent J: [looks at an alien fish] Ooh. You look like you come from the planet... Damn.

  • Jeffrey Price: This is the real deal. Time-jump gear. Very rare, very old. But first, we gotta get high.

    Agent J: Hey. No.

    Jeffrey Price: No. No, I mean, really high.

    [cut to the top of the Chrysler Building]

  • Agent J: Boris! Boris the Animal!

    Boris The Animal: [lunges] IT'S JUST BORIS!

  • Agent J: [looks at a shawarma stall] I can see something wriggling in there!

  • [from trailer]

    Agent J: [at a costume party] Is there anybody here who is NOT an alien?

  • [from trailer]

    Young Agent K: [unfolds space bike] They have these in the future?

    Agent J: That's what I'm talking about!

  • Young Agent K: [while pursuing Boris] Hey, slick! In the future, we haven't did the Texas Two-Step?

    Agent J: Yes, sir!

    [proceeds to distract Boris the Animal]

  • Mom: [J has gone to K's apartment] Can I help you?

    Agent J: Uh... K?

    Mom: 5K.

    Agent J: I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk?

    [Jay takes a cup of chocolate milk from the daughter and drinks it]

    Mom: Mommy, the President is drinking my milk.

    Agent J: [Handing the empty cup back] I'm sorry.

    Little Chocolate Milk Girl: He didn't say please.

  • [Griffin shows K and J the future, from his viewpoint]

    Agent J: So this is how you see things? This is amazing!

    Griffin: It's a gigantic pain in the ass, but it has its moments.

  • [J meets Griffin]

    Agent J: How's it going?

    Griffin: How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.

    [as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]

    Griffin: ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.

    [J stares at Griffin]

    Griffin: But that depends.

    Agent J: [looks for his partner] K!

  • [about the driver-shaped airbag]

    Kevin Brown/K: Does that come standard?

    Agent J: Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.

  • Frank the Pug: [Frank sings "I Will Survive"] And now you're back from outer space, / I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, / I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, / If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. / Go on, now go! Walk out the door...

    Agent J: Frank! Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there.

    Frank the Pug: [Sits further away from the window] Got it!

    [Starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window]

    Agent J: [shouts] Frank!

  • Agent J: Wait, what are you doing?

    Kevin Brown/K: I always do the driving.

    Agent J: Oh, no...

    Kevin Brown/K: I remember that.

    Agent J: No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness.

    [pointing at Kay]

    Agent J: Old and busted.

    [pointing at himself]

    Agent J: New hotness.

    [Kay looks at Jay for a second, then J hands the keys over]

    Agent J: Old, busted hotness...

  • [after K shoots Jeebs in the head]

    Agent J: You're back.

    Kevin Brown/K: No.

    Agent J: Then how did you know that his head would grow back?

    Kevin Brown/K: [surprised] It grows back?

  • Agent K: You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.

    Agent J: Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff...

  • [last lines]

    Agent J: [in J's locker] All hail J! All hail J!

    Agent J: Why did you put them rats in my locker, man?

    Agent K: I thought it would put things in perspective for you.

    Agent J: No, K, it's actually kind of sad, really. We need to let them out of there. I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that.

    Agent K: Still a rookie.

    [Kicks open a door to a room filled with gigantic aliens]

  • Agent J: Let's put it on.

    Kevin Brown/K: What?

    Agent J: The last suit you'll ever wear... again.

  • [as Jeff devours the commuter train from one end, the passengers crowd at the head of the train in panic. The conductor comes out]

    Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: You people clear out of here before I start knocking heads together!

    Agent J: You get back in that cabin, and you put the hammer down on this thing!

    Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater, and I decide what happens on this train.

    Agent J: Oh, you decide? Okay, come on...

    [J steers Larry to the rear of the crowd, and points]

    Agent J: Larry, this my man Jeff.

    [Jeff takes another huge bite out of the back of the train]

    Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: Larry just made a decision.

    Agent J: Yeah, Larry needs to get his ass back in that cabin!

    Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: Yeah...

  • Newton: A neuralize...

    [Agent J neuralizes Newton]

    Agent J: Ok. First, get some contact lenses, cause those jaunts look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old.

    Kevin Brown/K: Agent J?

    Agent J: Aight! Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.

    [J leaves]

    NewtonHailey: You wanna go to Cambodia?

    Hailey: Yeah.

    Newton: Hey, Mom?

    [Newton picks up a shovel]

  • [in the midst of alien fight, K repeatedly kicks an alien in the crotch but nothing happens]

    Agent J: K, he's a Balchinian!

    Agent K: Oh.

    [kicks the alien in the chin]

  • Agent J: [Looking at the picture of K and the pizza guy] You're pointing at something.

    [Looks around]

    Agent J: That astronaut.

    [Goes to the astronaut picture]

    Agent J: He like, he like.

    [Goes to the ovens, seeing pizza boxes stacked like a diamond shape]

    Agent J: Who would stack pizza boxes like this, its a pizza box stacker who's not stacking pizza boxes. He's leaving clues, it's an arrow.

    Agent K: [notices a key hanging where the picture points] Um, J...?

    Agent J: You're slowing me down slick! Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets!

    [Opens up the cabinets and takes out a thing of anchovies]

    Agent J: Anchovy fillets in virgin olive oil!

    [Looks at the can of anchovies dubiously]

    Agent K: [takes key] I hope I'm not slowing you down, partner...

  • Kevin Brown/K: Why don't you go get me some coffee?

    Agent J: Oh, yeah sure, How do ya take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?

  • Agent J: Could I have your attention, please?

    [Neuralyzes the crowd]

    Agent J: Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been EATEN. 'Cause you don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashin' through the back of a subway win - that's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers! "Oh no, we've seen it all!" "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us Mr. Black Man!" I ask you nicely to move forward to the next car, y'all just sit there like...

    [Gathers himself and Neuralyzes the crowd again]

    Agent J: The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, you all have a nice evening.

    [He leaves, neuralyzing Larry in the driver's seat on his way]

  • Agent J: Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion.

    Kevin Brown/K: The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?

  • Jeebs: If I could have your attention while we go over the safety procedures. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and if at any point you become disoriented, there's nothin' we can do about it.

    Jeebs: Now, have you removed all of your jewellery?

    [K stares at him, saying nothing]

    Jeebs: Are you allergic to shellfish?

    Agent J: Jeebs!

    Jeebs: Right then! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

    [Jeebs turns on and sets up his equipment]

    Agent J: You ever used this thing before?

    Jeebs: I used the exhaust once to make some hot-air popcorn, that's about it.

    [K turns his head to look at Jeebs, startled]

    Jeebs: OK! Let's make it happen, Cap'n!

  • Agent J: [points to Frank] No!, No advice...

    Agent J: [points to Kevin Brown, Agent K] No talking...

    Agent J: [points to Zed] ... Hell no!

  • Agent J: I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street. Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately. Have a team escort him back to the subway. And would someone PLEASE check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?

  • Agent J: Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why I have a dead Tricranosloth going through Passport Control?

    MIB Autopsy Agent: That would be my fault, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. Please don't neuralize me, sir!

    Agent J: Wha' the hell's that supposed to mean?

  • [J takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room]

    Agent J: The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.

    Kevin Brown/K: Okay.

    [pointing at the deneuralizer]

    Kevin Brown/K: What's that thing?

  • Agent J: Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy?

    Kevin Brown/K: WHAT is a Gameboy?

  • Agent J: Why did you join MiB?

    Agent T: Six years in the Marines. Love to serve, love the action.

    Agent J: You wanted to play hero. Well, you joined the wrong organization. You ever hear of James Edwards?

    Agent T: No.

    Agent J: Well, he saved the lives of fifteen people tonight. But nobody knows he exists. And if nobody knows he exists, how can anybody love him?

  • Agent J: You don't remember me, but we used to work together...

    Kevin Brown/K: I never worked in a funeral home.

  • Agent J: Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too.

    Kevin Brown/K: I'm not scared.

    Agent J: Me neither. I just thought we was bonding.

  • Agent J: Whoo! Flushed! Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you used to love gettin' flushed. Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like "flush me, J! Flush me!" and I'd be like "Naw... " You can't quit on me now, K.

    Kevin Brown/K: I save to world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.

    Agent J: Cool.

  • Agent J: Sweet dreams, big boy!

    [jabs the tranquilizer into Jeff, only aggravating him. After a few moments time, J reloads the tranquilizer]

    Agent J: Whoo! Sweet...

    [is launched forward]

    Agent J: dreeeeeeaaaaaaams...

    Agent J: [crashes through back window of a subway car] ... big boy. Transit authority people! Please move to the forward car, we got a bug in the electrical system!

    [passengers ignore him]

    Agent J: Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!

    [Jeff bites off a large portion of the subway car, and the passengers start running to the front]

    Agent J: Yeah, now y'all runnin'! Now y'all- no, no, no, come on, sit down, sit down! It's only a 600 foot worm!

  • Agent J: Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies!

  • Agent J: Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?

    Frank the Pug: Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.

  • [Agents J and T have dinner at a restaurant]

    Agent T: Oh, good pie!

    Agent J: Oh, yeah.

    [T starts crying]

    Agent J: What's wrong, man? The pie not good?

    Agent T: You're gonna neuralyze me!

    Agent J: No...

    Agent T: Yes! You brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene!

    Agent J: You ARE making a scene!

  • [J tangles with Serleena's tentacles]

    Agent J: I'm about to lay the smackdown on your candy-ass!

  • Laura: Half the time you were on your back!

    Agent J: That's how I fight.

  • Agent J: [Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.

    Worms: [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!

    Agent J: Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.

    Laura: Which one's Neeble?

    Agent J: Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?

    Neeble: Yo, mama!

    Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.

    [Jay exits]

    Worms: Twister!

  • [K is taking potshots at Jeff using small Pistol-like weapon]

    Agent J: Might I suggest a bigger gun?

  • MIB Guard: [Agent J enters MIB Headquarters] Don't you ever go home?

    Agent J: Nope!

    MIB Guard: I see you neuralized another partner.

  • Agent J: [knocks an alien's face off] And you look like crap!

    [sees other alien laughing at J's joke]

    Agent J: I take that back... HE looks like crap.

  • Agent J: Just about everybody who works in this post office is an alien.

    [Opens up the aail sorter, revealing that there is an alien with a cigarette sorting the mail inside]

    Kevin Brown/K: [takes the cigarette out of the alien's mouth] No smoking!

    [moves off, the alien puts another cigarette in his mouth and continues to sort the mail]

  • Kevin Brown/K: How ya doing?

    Agent J: Good.

    Kevin Brown/K: Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?

    Agent J: No.

    Kevin Brown/K: I can help.

    Agent J: No.

    Zed: [walks into the room] Still sulking?

    Kevin Brown/K: [at the same time as J] Yeah.

    Agent J: [at the same time as K] No.

    Zed: You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...

    Agent J: Zed!

    [Grins and chuckles]

    Agent J: Come on, man! Damn!

    Frank the Pug: [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...


    Agent J: Hey! Come on...

    Frank the Pug: What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?

    Agent J: No.

    [to Frank]

    Agent J: No advice...

    Agent J: [to K] ... no talking...

  • Serleena: You lost, you insignificant little speck! You wasted 20 years of my time, and for what? The complete destruction of the Zarthas, all because you went mushy!

    Agent K: I'm giving you one last chance to surrender, you slimy Kylothian invertebrate.

    Serleena: Oh, what are you gonna do?

    Agent K: Not me, him...

    Agent J: [behind Serleena] Your flight's been cancelled!

    [blasts Serleena]

  • Laura: It's not fair.

    Agent J: Nothing ever is...

  • Agent J: Why didn't you tell me?

    Agent K: Would you have let her go?

  • Agent J: So what was it like on the outside?

    Agent K: It was nice. Sleep late on the weekends, watch the Weather Channel.

  • Newton: Guys, before we start the tape, one more thing - what's up with anal probing? I mean, do they really come billions of light years just to...

    Agent J: Boy, MOVE!

  • Agent J: Your favorite weapon.

    [hands Kay the Noisy Cricket]

    Agent Kay: That?

  • Zed: You didn't neuralize another one?

    Agent J: What's that supposed to mean? Okay, you can't count A, and L really wanted to go back to that morgue...

  • Frank the Pug: D'ya tell the girl you love her?

    Agent J: Hey, man, she's a witness to a crime, that's it.

    Frank the Pug: Yada, yada, you're attracted. She's not even my species, and I'm attracted.

  • Frank the Pug: How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I growl. Grrrrr...

    Agent J: Aww, naw wait, how about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?

  • Jarra: Hello, Jay. Been a long time.

    Agent J: Jarra! Hey, man, you look great! What's it been? Five years?

    Jarra: And forty-two days, thanks to you. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate.

  • [Frank is wearing his very own MIB suit]

    Frank the Pug: J! Wait up! I appreciate this shot man. Thought I'd never get out of that mailroom.

    Agent J: Lose the suit!

    Frank the Pug: Sure thing partner. No problemo. Just going for the look. But if I say so myself, I do find the overall effect very slimming!

  • Kevin Brown/K: [shows a self-portrait with a UFO in the background] Look at that, weird huh?

    Agent J: [hands it back] Yeah, you're smiling.

  • Agent J: Jeff, excuse my partner, he's new and...

    [Jeff attacks T]

    Agent J: ...kind of stupid.

  • Kevin Brown/K: What's this?

    [Pokes his finger into a suspended sphere of water]

    Tiny Alien: [a massive finger is looming out of the sky] All is lost! All is lost!

    Agent J: Hey! Keep your hands in your pockets!

  • Worms: Once you've had worm, it's what you'll yearn!

    Agent J: Ahahahaha!

    Agent J: [to Laura] They're just, you know...

    [makes a blabbermouth gesture with his hand]

    Laura: I've dated worse...

  • Agent J: How ya' feelin'?

    Kevin Brown/K: Goodbye...

    [walks away]

    Agent J: K!

    Jeebs: K, wait! I never got the updated software!

    [to J]

    Jeebs: Still workin' off the 6.0...

    [to K]

    Jeebs: Your brain needs to reboot!

  • Agent J: Worms! Give me some cover fire!

    Worm: Too scared, can't move!

  • [Jay neuralyzes Agent T]

    Agent J: Get married, have a bunch of kids.

    Agent T: Okay.

    Agent J: [to a waitress on his way out] Hey, listen. My buddy's kind of shy, but he thinks you are HOT.

  • Agent J: Stay!

    Frank the Pug: Listen, partner. I may look like a dog, but I only play one here on Earth.

    Agent J: OK, wipe your mouth.

  • Agent J: Jeff, don't make me have to do this!

    [aims his gun at Jeff the worm]

  • Agent J: We're running out of time, K, where is the Light?

    Agent K: Right here.

    [points at Laura]

  • Agent J: So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter...

    [looks at Agent K]

    Agent J: Did y'all...

    Agent K: MiB's a mess. Come on, let's go.

  • [Jeff the worm breaks out of the subway as J is having an emotional moment]

    Agent J: Jeff, I am SO not in a mood for you! Get back in the subway! Right now!

    [Serleena explodes out of Jeff's body]

    Agent K: That's not good...

  • Agent J: [to K] You never sent it off the planet. It's still here.

  • Agent K: Thanks for bringing me back, slick...

    Agent J: No problem.

  • Agent J: Do you have kids?

    Central Park Agent: No...

    Agent J: Do you WANT them?

  • Agent J: [Removes neuralizer from his pocket] I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to...

    Laura: kill me?

    Agent J: No, just as little flash and everything goes back to the way it was.

    Laura: After you flash me, if I see you again will I know it's you?

    Agent J: I'll see you, but you won't see me.

    Laura: Must be hard. Must be very lonely.

Browse more character quotes from Men in Black 3 (2012)