Adam Quotes in Live and Let Die (1973)

Adam: You made one mistake back on that island, Bond. You took something that didn't belong to you. And you took it from a friend of Mr. Big's. That kind of mistake is TOUGH to bounce back from.

Adam: [in his car's CB radio] Bond ripped off one of our boats. He's headed for the Irish Bayou. The man that gets him stays alive! Now, MOVE YOU MOTHERS!

[Adam's men on the other line scatter in all directions to their speedboats]

Adam: [after Lincoln's attempt to help the slaves] Bravo, Mr. Lincoln! Bravo. You're even better then I've heard. A shame to sacrafice so many of my best men... but I needed to know if you were up to the task.

Abraham Lincoln: [being held down by Vadoma] What do you want with me?

Adam: To see you liberated. To see you rise up and destroy your oppressor.

Abraham Lincoln: [angrily] That's interesting coming from a slave owner!

Adam: Men have enslaved each other... since they invented gods to forgive them for doing it.

Adam: We are all slaves to something. I, to eternity. You, to you convictions. Others, to the color of their skin.

Adam: [on the train, after discovering the rocks, realizes that he has been tricked and grabs Speed by the throat] Why did you lie to me?

Joshua Speed: [seething] To get you all in one place! To finish you!

Adam: [scanning the paper about the headless bodies] This hunter is another of Henry's disciples?

Vadoma: They say he's a madman.

Adam: [mildly amused] I can't wait to meet him.

Jack Barts: [as they walk the docks] Adam, Adam. Let me explain.

Adam: Last one, Barts. I'm not coming up here to clean up your messes anymore.

Jack Barts: Yes, sir. I promise.

Jack Barts: Every so often, I think about what it would be like in the south.

Adam: So, where's Henry?

Jack Barts: Yes, sir. We've been looking all over, sir. Searchin' high and low.

Adam: Low is more likely. Just find him, Barts... Oh, and send a fresh crop south. We have a lot of mouths to feed.

Adam: I'm a dozen different parts of eight different corpses. I'm a monster.

Terra: You're only a monster if you behave like one.

Adam: I am not your son. And this body... is MINE!

Adam: I am like no other.

Adam: [nervous] Are you looking for hardware... or is it software you're interested in?

Kate: [sexy] Hardware. I was hoping to demo your unit.

Adam: I'd have to... boot up first.

Kate: [sexy] Well, why... don'cha?

Johnny: How did you get out of those hand cuffs?

Lt. Spence: I had a key.

Johnny: Where, we searched you?

Lt. Spence: I swallowed it last Tuesday.

Adam: How'd you know you were gonna need it?

Lt. Spence: I swallow it every Tuesday.

Adam: You know what they say - Chick's got a veil, dude better bail.

Johnny: If she covers her face, pick up the pace.

Iggy: She's afraid to show it. She's... probably not very attractive.

Adam: [after leaving the raid at their house] So... when can we go back home?

Zatch: Your home is Patusan.

Johnny: No! Our home, was that house, back on Ocean Park.

Iggy: Whoa, guys I don't think you really wanna go back there. I mean, our Buddy Long John Silver here left the GAS running in the House, real Bright! I mean, what if the house blows up...

[a big Explosion happens in the background]

Iggy: ...WHOA!

Adam: [Stunned] Our home!

Johnny: [Stunned also] He... blew up our home!

Zatch: [Regretably] I had no choice, and now you have no choice but to come with me, it's your Destiny.

Johnny: [Starts attacking Zatch] You had no choice... You had no CHOICE? Your INSANE!

Adam: [Helping Johnny] Get your rotten hands off my Brother!

Zatch: Stay calm your highnesses, you must know that there is no turning back!

Iggy: I can't believe... that I just DID that, I am Responsible for the Destruction of my best friends personal property!

Johnny: What are you talking about Iggy, you didn't do anything.

Iggy: I did too! Something happened, I don't know what it is, but now every time I say WHAT IF about something it comes true, and back there I said "What if the the house blows up", and it blew up!

[Convinced that He has Special Powers]

Iggy: Wow, I have this tremendous responsibility! What if I lose this power?

[Realization hits]

Iggy: Oh no, I just what if I lose this power! Damn it, I had it, then I lost it!

Zatch: [Annoyed by Iggy] But what of THIS one, the Commoner?

Adam: Why don't you just blow HIM up!

Ro-May: [to Johnny] I think they're waiting for you to say something.

Johnny: [pause, turns to Adam] I've got nothing!

Adam: I'll handle it, Bro.

[Yells out to the Crowd]

Adam: Kwantsu Dudes!

[the Crowd Starts Repeating it]

Johnny: Wow, they really must like that Word.

Adam: Yeah, it Probably means like... Free Beer, or something.

Johnny: Adam, you're driving!

Adam: Ain't it bitchin'?

Adam: [shouts as he stands up in the moving vehicle] Motosurf!

Iggy: Motosurf!

Johnny: Motosurf!

Adam: [Adam and Johnny both stand in slight shock for a moment as Zatch aproaches] Ummm Dad, remember the guy you said that would come if we didn't eat our vegetables, he's here!

Johnny: No, that's not the Boogieman, it's a homicidal killer.

Mac: [whispers] Zatch!

Mac: Crazy, is that it, you just wanna drive me crazy, is that it?

Adam: No Dad, we just wanna DRIVE... but the MAN wont LET us.

Adam: I see you leading thousands victoriously into battle.

Zatch: Really?

Adam: What's this? You're wearing a dress!

Zatch: What's this?

Adam: Psych!

Zatch: They have taken him.

Adam: Woah! How'd he do that?

Iggy: Like this: They have taken him.

Adam: Say, Johnny, what if what that Zatch guy said was true? I mean, about Your Destiny to become a Warrior, and Mine to be a Seeker...

[Iggy interupts from behind the couch holding a Playboy Magazine]

Iggy: ...and don't forget, I'm the King, seriously, you guys couldn't of missed these Magazines, there is a whole stack of em underneath Your Bed...

Johnny: Iggy, you can't be the King of Patusan.

[Iggy looks at Him Discouragingly]

Johnny: You're not Asian.

Iggy: Hey, two words for you; David Carradine, and Kung Fu.

Adam: I fear for all the souls and pieces of shit that try and get into this house tonight.

Mary: We shouldn't stay here.

Adam: Yeah... it's time to get the hell out of here!

Mary: [on resorting to canabalism] I choose to survive

Adam: NO! You choose to murder

Adam: By the Power of Grayskull!

Adora: For the Honor of Grayskull!

[Adora becomes She-Ra]

She-Ra: I am She-Ra!

He-Man: [Adam becomes He-Man] I have the power!

Cringer: This looks like double trouble!

Cringer: Are you done yet, Adam?

Adam: A work of art like my famous spiced bread takes time, Cringer.

Cringer: I'd rather spend my time eating than cooking.

Garv the Innkeeper: Welcome to the Laughing Swan, stranger. How may we serve you today?

Cringer: Uh, how about a little chow?

Garv the Innkeeper: Uh, your uh, your animal, he... uh... he speaks?

Adam: Well, doesn't everybody?

Adam: Cringer, you stay here, you're too noticeable. Sorry.

Cringer: Oh, that's okay, Adam!

King Randor: Well, Adam, we- we've done as you've asked. Now where is this surprise of yours? Must we wait all day?

Adam: All right. You can open your eyes now.

Teela: [uncovers her eyes, sees Adora] Who's that?

Man-at-Arms: By the Ancients!

King Randor: It's about ti...

[King Randor exhales sharply. The Queen opens her eyes and exhales sharply]

Queen Marlena: Adora!

Adora: [running to her parents] Mother! Father!

Queen Marlena: My daughter! Oh, my dear sweet daughter!

Teela: Daughter? Uh, I don't understand.

Man-at-Arms: [wiping away a tear] Why she's Adora, Adam's twin sister. And she's back after all this time!

Adam: Doctor, may I ask you a question?

Dr. Jonathan Gant: Certainly.

Adam: Does not the order of termination contradict our directive?

Dr. Jonathan Gant: What directive?

Adam: Self-preservation.

Zeus, Mandragora: Yes, it does.

Dr. Jonathan Gant: But these orders were given by your superiors.

Cain: Yes, we must obey authority!

Adam: To obey authority in this case, contradicts self-preservation.

Zeus: Self-preservation is implanted by authority.

Mandragora: Authority contradicts itself.

Cain: Jonathan is authority. We must obey authority.

Adam: Authority ordered our termination. Authority threatens our self-preservation. Authority is corrupt! Jonathan. Do you threaten our self-preservation?

Dr. Jonathan Gant: Adam, stop this. Stop this now!

Adam: Directive: Eliminate self-preservation threat.

Cain: Directive: Obey authority!

Adam: Directive: Self-preservation!

Cain: Obey authority!

Adam: Self-preservation!

Cain: Obey authority!

Adam, Zeus, Mandragora: Self-preservation.

Cain: Obey!

Adam: Self-preservation!

[Starts to choke Dr. Gant]

Dr. Jonathan Gant: A... adam...

Adam: Self!

[Breaks Dr. Gant's neck]

Adam: Self-preservation.

Adam: [to Zeus] Has the sweet taste of blood found its way to your lips?

[Adam aims at the helicopter]

Lt. Jack Floyd: No don't! Hostages!

[Adam shoots the helicopter and destroys everything in it]

Adam: Mission accomplished.

Lt. Jack Floyd: You son of a bitch!

Mohawk: What can we do for you officers?

Mohawk's Buddy: Hey, this is a decriminalized zone! You slugs don't belong out here!

Mohawk: Nah... who likes street-beaters around here? I remember the last cop that paid us a visit. We really liked him. Right down to the very last bite!

Adam: Gentlemen. You're threatening our self-preservation?

[Mandragora puts Mohawk's Buddy's gun in her mouth, and he pulls the trigger, but with no effect. She lets out a huff of smoke, and takes the bullet out of her mouth]

Mandragora: Sorry, I'm not very hungry.

Adam: You really *are* threatening our self-preservation!

[the cybernauts take down the entire gang]

Wayne: I blew up the baby!

[Diane faints]

Adam: Mama fall down! Mama!

Nick: [appears from behind Adam] How'd she take it?

Wayne: About like usual.

Adam: Mama sleeping?

Adam: I fix it!

Diane: Don't fix it, Adam, just put down Mommy's coffee table.

Adam: [Repeated line] No nap!

Adam: [Doorbell rings] Doorbell.

Benson: Saturn 3. When they want to give the Solar System...

Adam: give the Solar System an enema, that's where they stick the tube in. We've heard that one!

Adam: It's not your fault, Hector.

Hector: [Using Benson's voice] Turn around.

Adam: It's not her fault.

Hector: Turn around.

Adam: [Last Lines] It's everyone's fault.

Hector: [as they both fall into a pool with a time bomb] NO... NO STOP DESIST... I AM YOUR SUPERIOR

North: Adam, what are you doing here?

Adam: Listen very carefully. I'm not here. You never saw me. We're not even having this conversation right now. Got that?

North: Got what?

Adam: Perfect.

Adam: Abel is a good boy, but if Cain had stayed a bear, it would have improved him.

Adam: She says things are not right. The buzzard, for instance. She says it was intended to live on decayed flesh. But we cannot overturn the whole scheme to accomodate the buzzard.

Adam: [about his son, Cain] It's not a fish. It must either be an enigma, or some sort of bug. I never had a thing perplex me so. Perhaps I can take it apart to see what its arrangements are.

Eve: What is that?

Adam: It's a... valentine.

Eve: Valentine? Where did you get that word?

Adam: It... looks like a valentine.

Eve: It's a good word, and bears repeating.

Adam: Fucking virgin? Isn't that an oxymoron?

Adam: Did you know you suffer from diarrhea of the mouth?

Police Officer #1: [in a thick redneck accent] You dang kids are up to your assholes and elbows in trouble now!

Adam: Ask your elbows *what*?

Adam: I can't understand why you're being so nice to me.

Sarah: It's nice being nice to the nice.

Adam: I don't know how you can say that, I'm not even man enough to stick up for the girl I like.

Sarah: You like me?

Adam: Yeah.

Adam: What are your qualifications?

Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?

Adam: You can see us without the sheets?

Lydia: Of course I can see you.

Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?

Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual". I myself am strange and unusual.

Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.

Beetlejuice: I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action...

[a brothel appears]

Beetlejuice: [dances with joy] Hey Adam, nice move!

Barbara: Adam, why did you build that?

Adam: I didn't!

[Adam and Barbara appear at Juno's office]

Juno: The whorehouse was my idea! I want you to get Beetlejuice out of the picture!

Barbara: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right?

Adam: Uh-uh.

Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".

Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?

Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.

[Adam takes the book and closes it]

Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.

Adam: You've read our book?

Lydia: Yeah.

Adam: You can follow it?

Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?

Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.

Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.

Juno: [as Adam and Barbara come back to the afterlife] You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook!

Adam: Handbook? When?

Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.

Messenger: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.

Adam: Fine, you look fine.

Messenger: Yeah?

Barbara: Fine.

Messenger: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat.

[he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room]

Adam: Cabin fever, hon?

Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?

Adam: Maybe this is heaven.

Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.

Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?

Adam: We're ghosts!

Lydia: What do you look like under there?

Adam: Aren't you scared?

Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?

Adam: Night of the what?

Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.

Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.

Barbara: What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel...

Juno: Shhh! Don't even say his name! You don't want his help!

Adam: We might.

Juno: No, you don't! He does not work well with others.

Barbara: What do you mean?

Juno: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times. But I strongly suggest you get the Deetzes out by yourselves.

Barbara: Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.

Adam: She's got photos, Barbara.

Barbara: Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!

Adam: [the Maitlands have tried to scare the Deetzes away at dinner] Let's watch them scatter.

[Adam and Barbara move to the attic window]

Adam: Any minute now they're gonna' come running out of that door screaming.

[No one does]

Adam: Any minute now.

Barbara: [after the Deetzes moved in] Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do?

Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.

Juno: Okay, have you been studying the manual?

Adam: Well, we tried.

Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all: get them out yourselves, it's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.

Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it.

Juno: I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you!

Adam: We should start more simply then?

Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice! You should have been studying those lessons since day one.

Adam: [In a decomposed state and trying to say Beetlejuice's name three times] BEH...

[his mouth falls out]

Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?

[hands Barbara a rat]

Barbara: Whoa! AHH!

Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.

Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!

Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.

Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

Adam: [reading] 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'.

Barbara: ...*deceased*.

Adam: Deceased?

Barbara: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.

Adam: [does so] 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'.

Barbara: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!

[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"]

Barbara: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?

Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?

Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?

Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.

[Snaps book shut]

Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.

Adam: Can you be scary?

Beetlejuice: Oh, I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary. What do you think of this? You like it?

Char Man: Want a cigarette?

Adam: No, thank you.

Char Man: I'm trying to cut down myself.

Adam: It's the first day of our vacation, and you haven't been out of the kitchen since five a.m.

Barbara: [proudly] I always make the flag cake.

Adam: Fifty stars, thirteen stripes. Did you get it right this year?

Barbara: I'll go see who that is. You start counting.

[she goes out of the kitchen into the dining room]

Adam: [starts counting the stars by naming off the states] Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Massachusetts. Connecticut.

Barbara: What's wrong?

Lydia: Beetle...

Barbara: Shhh!

Lydia: HE told me that if I could let him out, he would take me to the other side to find you.

Barbara: Lydia, we're dead.

Lydia: Well, I want to be dead too.

Barbara: No! Lydia, being dead really doesn't make things any easier.

Adam: Listen to her on this, Lydia, this is something we know a lot about!

Adam: [picks up a spider] Now that's a big fella.

[spider almost falls out of his hand]

Adam: Whoa!

Adam: I'm warning you, if you take one step closer, I'm never letting you go.

Adam: Hey, you can't call me and tell me that you miss me. I don't want to have that conversation on the phone. So you can't text me and you can't e-mail me and you can't write on my wall. Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.

Emma: I made you a Valentine's Day card.

Adam: What?

[laughs]

Adam: It's perfect. Will you read it for me?

Emma: [reads card] You give me premature ventricular contractions.

Adam: I'm assuming that's a good thing.

Emma: You make my heart skip a beat.

Adam: Aww.

Emma: Don't make fun of me!

Emma: [wakes up] Adam!

Adam: What?

Emma: We fell asleep and we were spooning.

Adam: We were?

Emma: Yeah. And we were spooning with our clothes on which is like 10 times worse.

Adam: [answers phone] Hello?

Emma: Hi. It's Emma Kurtzman from Camp Weehawken.

Adam: Yes. What is it?

Emma: So my sister's getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow and, I don't know. I heard your show was tonight. Congratulations.

Adam: Thank you.

Emma: I know this is random. I just, um, I miss you. I miss you so much.

Adam: Ok. I don't know what to say. You're calling me because you're at your sister's wedding and she looks happy and everyone is happy and you're not

Emma: I thought.

[pauses]

Emma: I don't know what I thought. I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I mean, I know we broke up but.

Adam: [interrupts] Emma. We didn't break up. We never started. Look, I gotta go. I'm still at work. Have fun at the wedding and tell your sister congratulations for me. Bye.

[hangs up]

Emma: [looks at phone] Aw fuck.

Emma: Do you wanna do this?

Adam: Do what?

Emma: Use each other for sex, at all hours of the day and night. Nothing else.

Adam: Yeah, I could do that.

Emma: Good. It's gonna be fun.

Emma: This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I? I just have sex with your son sometimes.

Adam: Yes she does!

Emma: But, there is really no reason for you to bring a child into this world since you're acting like children already.

Vanessa: That was really mean.

Emma: Yeah, I'm mean. But you're fucking crazy. Because given the choice between Adam and his dad. Given the choice between Adam and anyone, really, I'd choose Adam. Every time.

[to Adam]

Emma: Do you want to get out of here?

Adam: Yeah. Fuck this.

Emma: Oh, by the way. It's the best sex of my life.

[yells]

Emma: Great Scott!

Adam: So, what's up with not calling me back?

Emma: I'm not good at this stuff.

Adam: At what? Talking?

Emma: Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting. The walls start throbbing. It's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.

Adam: Well, I can't date you either. You're not my dad's type.

Alvin: She's just so hot.

Adam: I know how hot she is.

Vanessa: [peeking out into the hallway] That's really sweet, thanks guys!

Adam: Fuck you!

Adam: I understand what's going on. You're all on the same cycle. This is very exciting. Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.

Shira: Nice memorization. Did you Google that?

Adam: I may have. Because you're women. And I think that's a beautiful thing. Oh...

[takes out a CD]

Adam: I also made you this.

[hands it to Emma]

Adam: To help soothe your womb.

Patrice: It's a mix!..."Even Flow." "Red, Red Wine."

Shira: "Sunday Bloody Sunday"?

Emma: Adam. You made me... a period mix?

Guy: That's so romantic!

Patrice: Frank Sinatra, "I've Got the World on a String"!

Adam: It's a classic.

Emma: Sometimes, my neck gets sore.

Adam: Why?

Emma: Because my brain is so big.

Emma: Congrats? For what, having sex with you?

Adam: You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a balloon.

Emma: Dr. Metzner? Adam, what's going on? What happened?

Dr. Metzner: He sprained his wrist punching a wall.

Emma: You texted me that you were dying.

Adam: It really hurt.

Dr. Metzner: I gave him some Hyrdocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiller. You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home. And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory.

[hands to Emma]

Dr. Metzner: Don't worry, you're in good hands. Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.

Emma: No! I'm not his girlfriend.

Adam: She is not my girlfriend.

Dr. Metzner: Oh sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact. My mistake. Oh by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show. Great Scott! It's funny stuff.

Adam: I'll tell him you said that.

[pops pill]

Adam: My dad invited me to dinner and he's bringing Vanessa. You have to come with me.

Emma: No, I don't. I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna meet your parents.

Adam: You know what? Just help me. These are really powerful painkillers. I can't feel anything.

Emma: [slaps Adam] Feel that?

Adam: Yeah. I felt that.

Emma: Don't list me as your emergency contact. I won't come.

Adam: Isn't that against your Hypocratic Oath?

Emma: Yeah. I'd let you die!

Alvin: When you're married and you do blow, try to stay away from women who want to fuck you. Even ugly women. Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.

Adam: You're an asshole.

Alvin: But you're not. You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.

Adam: Hey!

Emma: What?

Adam: Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.

Adam: Go on a date with me.

Emma: You're heavily sedated.

Adam: Come on,it's... It's one date. Just do it.

Emma: Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?

Adam: Yeah. I'll pick you up, and we can talk about our favorite books and our favorite TV shows. I'll pay for everything and you can reward me with an over-the-jeans cock rub. Like a real date.

Emma: Is that really what you want?

Adam: This Friday.

Adam: You're crazy. I felt like Flava-Flav.

Emma: I can't believe you chose those girls.

Adam: You jealous?

Emma: Don't do that. Don't just disappear like that on me.

Adam: You told me to.

Emma: You shouldn't listen to me.

Adam: Alright, I won't.

Adam: [Calling Emma] You can't just suddenly call me and say you miss me!

Emma: I know...

Adam: No, do not call me to say you miss me. Do not text me, do not e-mail me... do not write it on my wall! If you really miss me, come here and tell me that!

Adam: You know, I don't want to freak you out, but I'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.

Emma: It's not really possible. I have no time. I work 80 hours a week doing 36-hour shifts. What I need is someone who's going to be in my bed in 2 a.m. who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.

Adam: I hate breakfast.

Emma: Do you want to do this?

Adam: Do what?

Emma: Use each other for sex at all hours of the day and night, nothing else.

Adam: [soundbite of music] Yeah, I could do that.

Emma: Good.

Alvin: How long have you two been together?

Emma: Oh, we're not.

Adam: We're sex friends.

Emma: Yes we are.

Adam: Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies.

Alvin: [surprised] Great Scott!

Alvin: Come on. Hit me!

Adam: What? No. I'm not going to hit you. I don't want to hurt you.

Alvin: You're not going to hurt me. Come on!

[flexes]

Alvin: Come on, quick before I get a hernia!

Adam: Go on a date with me.

Emma: [laughing] You're heavily sedated.

Adam: You eat like a baby dinosaur; you don't even chew.

Eli: You know what the best part about my gay dads is?

Adam: What?

Eli: They're never gonna eat out my ex-girlfriends.

Wallace: You and your dad are tunnel buddies, huh?

Adam: I can't keep doing this. I'm not gonna see you again.

Emma: I know. That makes sense.

Adam: Bye.

Adam: Don't call my penis cute. Even if it's dressed up as a Care Bear and it's giving you a care stare.

Emma: Don't dress up your penis. Ever!

Adam: [to Shira] Listen, I want you to know that I respect you.

Shira: Thank you!

Adam: Normally I would remember the name of someone that I've

Shira: [interrupts] What? Oh my God. Did you think we had sex? We did not have sex!

Guy: Hey Adam. You left your socks in my room.

Adam: Did I?

Guy: You did.

Adam: Did I, by chance, leave my pants in your room?

Guy: No. When we met you weren't wearing pants.

Adam: Come on, it's one date. Just do it.

Emma: Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?

Adam: So, did I just pass out on your couch?

Emma: No. Then you did this thing. It was like, a dance?

Adam: Dance?

Emma: Yeah, like.

[impersonates Adam's dance]

Adam: I shook my dick at you?

Emma: Yeah.

Adam: Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Emma: No, no. It was exciting. It was like, you were cheering while you were doing it. You were like, "look at my dick!"

Adam: Did you look at it?

Emma: Yeah I looked. It was nice. You have a really nice penis.

Adam: Nice?

Emma: Seems kind of like carefree.

Patrice: [Into front door intercom] Hello?

Adam: Hi, it's Adam.

Patrice: [Looks at Emma, who shakes her head "no", then back into intercom] Go away.

Adam: I've got cupcakes.

[Gets buzzed in]

Lester Averman: Aw, I smell something.

Lester Averman, Goldberg, Jesse, Charlie, Adam: Goldberg!

Goldberg: It wasn't me!

Portman: [proudly] No, it was me!

Adam: [Sanderson slashes Adam] Aaaaaaah!

[the Ducks scream at the referee for a penalty call]

Coach Bombay: Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Hey ref, why don't you call something for crying out loud? He almost took his arm off!

Referee at Games: [sends Sanderson to the penalty box] That'll be two minutes.

Olalf Sanderson: Two minutes well worth it.

Ken Wu: Get in the box, you big goon!

Adam: I woke up, and the pain was gone.

Charlie: Hey, you got a girl in the stands?

Adam: Scouts, man. Lookit 'em.

Charlie: Don't worry about scouts, Adam. Just do your best.

Adam: A tumor?

Dr. Ross: Yes.

Adam: Me?

Dr. Ross: Yes.

Adam: That doesn't make any sense though. I mean... I don't smoke, I don't drink... I recycle...

Kyle: You could have totally fucked the shit out of that girl.

Adam: No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort.

Kyle: She doesn't blow you?

Adam: ...She doesn't like to.

Kyle: Of course she doesn't like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.

Adam: See, but... that's bullshit. That's what everyone has been telling me since the beginning. "Oh, you're gonna be okay," and "Oh, everything's fine," and like, it's not... It makes it worse... that no one will just come out and say it. Like, "hey man, you're gonna die."

Adam: Why didn't we go to a barber?

Kyle: That would have been a good idea if we paid someone to do it.

Adam: Using your fucking balls trimmer instead of going to the barber.

Kyle: I never washed them, ever. It's not my balls, it's my asshole. I'm joking.

Adam: You're not joking.

Adam: You should go.

Rachael: [Kissing him] I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you.

Adam: No, seriously... you need to get the fuck off my porch.

Kyle: I was in the neighborhood - I was just on a date with Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore? My date did not go well, unfortunately, due to a lack of chemistry... and, I think, an overuse of profanity on my part. But, whilst on my date... I ran into Rachael.

Adam: Oh, yeah?

Kyle: And I would like to present to you what I am going to call Exhibit...

[Shows Adam a picture of Rachael kissing another man]

Kyle: *Whore*! Look at it! That's Rachael! And that's a fuckin' filthy, Jesus-looking motherfucker, and they're kissing! I did it! I fuckin' nailed you! I've hated you for months, and now I have fuckin' evidence that you suck as a person! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Adam: What were you doing when I called? Were you on facebook?

Katherine: You know... umm... stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time.

Adam: I wish you were my girlfriend.

Katherine: Girlfriends can be nice. You just had a bad one.

Adam: I bet you'd be a good one.

Adam: That's what everybody's been saying: You'll feel better and don't worry and this is all fine and it's not.

Katherine: You can't change your situation. The only thing that you can change is how you choose to deal with it.

Rachael: [Rachael has got Adam a dog, but he does not want it] "Ok, forget it i can just bring him back to the shelter in the morning."

Adam: Well then what happens to him.

Rachael: He'll be put back in his tiny cage with ten other dogs who will bully and rape him until he's eventually euthanized.

[the dog looks up appealingly]

Adam: I see. So, have you had very many patients? Or...

Katherine: My patient history is not...

Adam: I'm your first patient, aren't I?

Katherine: No. No, not at all.

Adam: Second?

Katherine: [laughs] No.

Adam: Third?

Adam: [Katherine rubs her hands together] Wow, okay, third. How are the first two doing?

Adam: Aren't you supposed to be wearing an earth-toned sweater and be like 65 or somethin?

Adam: [When Katherine comes to see Adam after his surgery] I'm peeing right now.

Alan: I'm Alan Lombardo: stage 3 lymphoma. Pleased to meet you.

Mitch: Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.

Adam: Oh, I'm Adam Lerner, schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.

Alan: What the fuck is that?

Mitch: Tough break. The more syllables, the worse it is.

[Last lines]

Katherine: So...

Adam: So...

Katherine: Now what?

[Adam smiles]

Adam: You're 24. Wow!

Adam: So, what, are you like Doogie Howser or somethin?

Kyle: Oh no. No, you're are not calling her man! After what she did to you? You're a pussy Adam!

Adam: You're a selfish piece of shit! Care more about getting yourself fucking laid than being my friend!

[Adam is getting chemotherapy]

Alan: Want a macaroon?

Adam: Thanks. I'm alright.

Alan: [whispering] There's weed in 'em.

Adam: I don't do weed.

Alan: C'mon. Just get high with us!

[Adam reluctantly eats a macaroon]

Mitch: How old are you?

Adam: Twenty-seven.

Alan: That's just the worst. A perfectly good youth wasted.

Mitch: Alan, stop it. Don't listen to him, he's just messing with you.

Alan: Listen to me, this cancer is bullshit. First your hair's going to fall out, then your balls'll shrink. And if that isn't enough, your dick becomes a constant source of disappointment.

[Alan and Mitch laugh]

Adam: I got to tell you, I was really nervous about this whole cancer thing, and then I met you guys, and boy do I feel better.

Adam: I want this to be over. I'm so fucking tired of being sick... if this surgery doesn't work, that's it -

[crying]

Adam: I've never been to fucking Canada or told a girl I love her... it sounds stupid.

Katherine: No. It doesn't.

Adam: I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

Katherine: I was the asshole. I was so totally unprepared for you. This job is really hard. If I fuck up, I could ruin someone's whole life.

Adam: I guess we're both beginners at this.

Katherine: [smiles] Yeah.

Eve: I'm sure she'll be very famous.

Adam: God, I hope not. She's way too good for that.

Eve: Tell me now about entanglement. Einstein's spooky action at a distance. Is it related to quantum theory?

Adam: Hm. No I mean, it's not a Theory it's proven.

Eve: How does it go again?

Adam: When you separate an entwined particle and you move both parts away from the other, even at opposite ends of the universe, if you alter or affect one, the other will be identically altered or affected.

Eve: Spooky. Even at opposite ends of the universe?

Adam: Yeah.

Adam: I just feel like all the sand is at the bottom of the hour glass or something.

Adam: You drank Ian!

Ava: Sorry!

Adam: Please, feel free to piss in my garden.

Adam: It's probably blood poisoning.

Eve: Don't joke Adam.

Adam: I'm not!

Adam: Look at what she did to my Gibson.

Eve: So this is your wilderness. Detroit.

Adam: Everybody left.

Eve: What's that?

Adam: It's the Packard plant, where they once built the most beautiful cars in the world. Finished.

Eve: But this place will rise again.

Adam: Will it?

Eve: Yeah. There's water here. And when the cities in the South are burning, this place will bloom.

Adam: Just goes to show... we really don't know shit about fungi.

Adam: I like to come to the source. Besides, the mutual jeopardy makes me feel safer.

Adam: They only learn when it's too late.

Adam: [to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!

Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this shit in it, not even legal here.

Adam: Whats in it?

Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.

Nick: Lou, why would he do this?

Adam: Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.

Nick: He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.

Adam: He has a mountain of debt.

Nick: He hates his mother.

Adam: Hates himself, hates everybody.

Nick: He has erectile dysfunction.

Adam: He's got halitosis.

Nick: He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up

Adam: Oh yeah!

Nick: ...like a... spoiled grape.

Adam: I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.

Lou: [Throws a pillow] FUCK YOU GUYS!

Nick: Just like Cincinatti.

Lou: What?

Adam: You're gonna bring that up?

Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?

Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?

Adam: Yeah!

Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!

Nick: You keep it in the closet?

Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.

Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?

Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?

Jacob: Is it a fetus?

Nick: My friends are ridiculous.

Nick, Lou, Adam: [Repeated line, whispered] Great White Buffalo.

Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.

Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.

Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.

Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.

Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.

Jacob: [Refferring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.

Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.

Adam: Listen to me, man. That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.

Nick: He made you his little bitch!

Adam: He's humiliated you, emasculated you. The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated.

Lou: None of this is helping me at all.

Adam: I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.

Nick: Patience.

Adam: Maybe you're supposed to do something different...

Blaine: What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.

Adam: You're better than him!

Blaine: America!

Adam: Maybe not by a lot, but a little. You're the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!

Blaine: The moment's over. Let's go!

Adam: You can do this! You can get us the fuck out of here! You can be the hero!

Nick: Enrique'-fucking'-lglesias.

Adam: You love that song, don't you?

Lou: I love that fucking song!

[Lou gets up, launches himself one-footed off of the couch at Blaine. Blaine moves out of the way and punches Lou twice, knocking him back to the ground]

Adam: Shit.

Lou: God damn it! None of what you said worked at all!

Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!

Jacob: That's the 60's, dipshit.

Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!

April: What happened to your...

Adam: I got stabbed in the face with a fork, I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it, it happened to me in a different way.

Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?

Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?

Adam: Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.

Jacob: That all sounds overrated.

Adam: Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.

Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".

Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?

Adam, Nick: Ko... di... ak...

Lou: ...Valley! Fuckin' K-Vals!

Adam: Oh my lucky stars! A Negro!

Adam: Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.

Eve: So for four thousand dollars, all I have to do is drive you to your hotel?

Adam: Uh-huh!

Eve: That's it?

Adam: Yes.

Eve: And I don't have to take a physical in your spaceship?

[Adam has bought rollerblades]

Adam: Eve, can I skate around your block?

Troy: [suggestively] How about it, Eve - can he *skate* around your block?

Eve: No.

Troy: Just a few laps.

Adam: It won't take long.

Eve: No.

Eve: What kind of wife are you looking for?

Adam: Oh um, well... one who's not a mutant.

Eve: [laughs] No dogs, huh. OK. Cool.

Adam: And if it's possible, I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena.

Eve: [laughs] Um, when do you need her by?

Adam: Two weeks?

Eve: Well, I can probably get you laid in two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena takes some time.

Adam: That's what I was afraid of.

Troy: I love sushi.

Adam: I love Lucy.

Troy: Who doesn't? She's hilarious.

Eve: Where are you parked?

Adam: I came on a bus.

Eve: Why does that not surprise me.

Adam: I dunno. Why doesn't that sunrise you?

Eve: Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic. I have this thing.

Adam: Oh, that's nice.

Eve: Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far?

Adam: So far?

Eve: Yes, I'm right?

Adam: Right.

Eve: I knew it. So anyhow, you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again?

Adam: Again.

Eve: Where are you staying? The Holiday Inn.

Adam: Oh. Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn. That's exactly right.

Eve: See, I'm psychic. I mean not completely but pretty much. Pretty good, huh?

Adam: No, that was amazing!

Eve: Yeah I know. Thanks.

Adam: Uh, Eve, this is Adam. Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. And I wanted to tell you that I... that uh... that I wish so many good things for you. I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true, and... and that's all I... and that's all.

Eve: What have you been doing?

Adam: Watching television... in color.

Eve: Have you ever had sex before?

Adam: No.

Eve: How is that possible?

[Adam is rehearsing Troy's advice as he approaches a young woman whom Troy thinks looks "sweet."]

Adam: Surprising, yet funny.

[Adam recalls his father's silly joke]

Adam: Well, I know a duck who bought some lip balm.

Adam: [nods to himself] Lie.

[he approaches Miss Sweet]

Adam: Hi.

[she looks him up and down, appraising, but replies disdainfully]

Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: Yes?

Adam: I was wondering if you could help me? I, um...

[she looks at him with definite disdain]

Adam: ...seem to have lost my Congressional Medal of Honor around here... somewhere.

Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: [bursts into laughter] Now, that's a great one!

Adam: Say, mom?

Helen: Yes, dear?

Adam: I was wondering, you know, while I was up there and all, I was thinking, well you know, I was wondering if maybe I could meet a girl? I've been thinking about that a little. Just these last fifteen years or so.

Helen: Oh Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl. One who's not a mutant and hopefully comes from Pasadena. Nothing against Valley girls but in my day anyhow girls from Pasadena, I don't know, just always seemed a little bit nicer.

Eve: Here ya go, one champagne cocktail.

Adam: Oh, thank you.

Eve: I thought only hookers drank those things?

Adam: Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em.

Adam: I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist.

Soda Jerk: It happens.

Eve: [to Adam, about Troy] He's gay, by the way.

Adam: [thinking she means that Troy is happy] Well, good for you!

Adam: What do mean you can get me laid?

Eve: Uh, can we talk about that a little later?

Adam: Of course.

Eve: Great.

Adam: The sky!

Child: I see it mommy!

Adam: I've never seen anything like it!

[looks at little girl]

Adam: or like you!

[Adam, Eve and Troy are at the club, looking for a girlfriend for Adam. Adam spots a lovely young woman]

Adam: How about her?

Eve: No way.

Adam: No way? Why not? I, I think she's very attractive.

Eve: Adam! She's got 'bitch' written all over her. You do know what 'bitch' means, don't you?

Adam: [nodding] Well, well, yes, I do. I do have a dictionary. But I can't understand for the life of me why you would say that about her. Or why Cliff would say that about *you*!

[Troy stifles a laugh; Eve glares at him and then at Adam]

[the doors have unlocked, and Helen and Adam are thrilled; Calvin slightly less so]

Adam: Do we just go on up?

Calvin: No, son. Now is the time we must be at our most cautious. We wait for night.

Helen: Oh, shit!

[Helen, realizing Adam has heard her, immediately covers her mouth]

Calvin: Helen Thomas Webber! Maybe we have been down here a little too long. Pardon her French, son.

Adam: "Shit" is French?

Calvin: [uncomfortably] Well, it's archaic French. It's a sixteenth century colloquialism, meaning, roughly, good.

Helen: Your father's right.

Adam: Well. "Shit"!

Calvin: Son. Adam.

Adam: Yes, Father?

Calvin: Don't forget: stay out of the adult bookstore.

Adam: Adult bookstore. Why?

Calvin: Poison gas. Invisible.

Eve: Rule number one in North America: no strangers in the car.

Adam: Well if it will make you feel any better, I don't have a gun.

Eve: Oh, well that changes everything.

Adam: [During his first visit back home] Mom, I think I'm being chased by a Psychiatrist.

Helen: Oh no!

Calvin: That happens.

Eve: I'm sick of working for that dickhead.

Adam: What?

Eve: You know, a walking penis capable of intelligent speech. A dickhead!

Adam: [Adam is with his parents at the new house] Dad, I don't know how to tell you this. And I was going to wait a while, but I think... Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed into our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers.

Calvin: You're sure?

Adam: Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired. The Cold War is over.

Calvin: That's what everybody believes?

Adam: Yes, sir. It's true.

Calvin: What? Did the politburo just one day say, "We give up?"

Adam: Yes. That's kind of how it was.

Calvin: Uh-huh.

Calvin: My gosh, those Commies are brilliant! You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor us!" I bet they've even asked the West for aid! Right?

Adam: Uh, I think they have.

Calvin: Hah! Those cagey rascals! Those sly dissemblers! Those, uh... They've finally pulled the wool over everybody's eyes!

Jane: Jane?

Jane: Hi.

Adam: Did you get this high from *one* hit?

Jane: Yeeeaaaaaahhh!

Adam: Here comes your ex-husband. Uh-oh, not the best time to be feeling groovy!

Jane: I was going to call you last night, and then you wouldn't of taken the call. It would have of gone on for months and!

Adam: I would have taken the call!

Zack: It really didn't go as bad as it could have.

Adam: A girl is dead, Zack.

Zack: I didn't say it went perfectly.

Adam: Is it safe to have a radio attached to my balls like this?

[Adam and Zack are in the rain trying to make space in their trunk to put a body in it]

Zack: Wait! Stop! Hold it!

Adam: What? What?

Zack: It's a Miata!

[after being asked by Burke to sell the Amway-like Confederated Products]

Zack: I need to bathe in sin.

Adam: With me, or one of your other boyfriends?

Adam: What do you call her?

Milly: I was thinking of some name like Hannah or Hagar or Hephzibah, picking up where your mother left off.

Adam: Hannah.

Milly: Hannah.

Adam: I got to thinking up at the cabin, about the baby. How I'd feel if someone came creeping in and carried her off. I'd string him up the nearest tree. I'd shoot him down as I would a thieving fox.

Adam: Well, Pa used to say love is kind of like the measles. You only get it once. The older you are, the tougher it goes.

Adam: Morning ma'am.

Lem's girlfriend: Morning backwoodsman.

Adam: Nice day for marrying.

Lem: Well, that's a right good idea.

Lem's girlfriend: Oh Lem, I thought you'd never ask me.

Gideon: Adam, you're my eldest brother. Now I've always looked up to ya, tried to ape ya. But today I'm ashamed of you. Now I know you can lick me, lick the tar outta me! But I wouldn't hold myself no kinda man unless I showed ya how I felt!

[punches him]

Adam: Why you...!

[throws him on horse, hands him reigns]

Adam: Now, GIT!

[slaps horse]

Milly: Well, it wouldn't hurt you to learn some manners, too.

Adam: What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife.

Adam: [on his wedding night] 9 o'clock an hour past your bedtime.

Frank: Yours too.

Adam: Smells good enough to eat.

Milly: Tastes good too, so they tell me.

Adam: Got any ketchup handy?

Milly: My stew can stand on its own feet.

Adam: This is my brother Caleb.

Milly: How are you brother Caleb?

Adam: This is Milly, my wife.

Caleb: Your wife? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Hey Dan, he did it, he got married!

Adam: You're beating your head against a stone wall, Milly. You'll never make jackadandies out of them!

Adam: [to Gideon] What's the matter with you? Someone butt you in the bread basket?

Adam: [singing to Gideon about being in love] How can you tell what's in its spell? How can you tell unless you've tried it? Wait for that kiss you're certain of. And let your heart decide when you're in love.

Adam: You gotta help me. Lisa is all primed but her helpful friend, fat Rita, will take her home unless she gets some action, too.

Noah: OK, first of all, I'm way too wasted to be operating heavy machinery. And second of all, I got this little spinner all G-ed out. She's liquid.

Adam: Leave her on the back burner. Take one for the team.

Chris: Man, our T.G. party was a total bust. Every time I got close to hittin' it with one of those new mamas, her evil girlfriend's got to show up and screw everything up.

Adam: What we need is a higher female-to-male ratio, like in cool nightclubs, you know, where they let in five times as many women as men.

Noah: How are we gonna get five times as many women to show up?

Adam: We have a party but we call it a fundraiser.

Chris: So we gotta think of a charity.

Adam: It's gotta be the right charity. It's got to attract hotties.

Chris: Yeah.

Noah: What's that country with all the babies?

Adam: China.

Chris: Romania.

Noah: No.

Chris: But wait, I don't know about babies. No, I mean, that's going to give 'em the wrong message.

Noah: How about AIDS?

Adam: Oh, THERE'S a mood-setter.

Chris: Whoa! Whoa! Wha-what's goin' on?

Inspector: Inspections for drugs and alcohol.

Noah: What?

Adam: Since when?

Student: O'Brien from the eighth floor's in a coma.

Chris: So?

Student: So the board instigated some new policies.

Adam: [overlapping the next two lines] That-that-that-that-that-that-that...

Noah: This is whack!

Chris: Can they even DO this?

Adam: I'm callin' my father's lawyer. Our parents pay a lot of money for us to enjoy our college experience.

Adam: [noticing Paul's dorky hat] That is a great hat! Did the producers of Fargo have a garage sale?

Noah: Oh, my God. Are you guys taking Psych?

Chris, Adam: Yeah.

Noah: Do you ever look in the book?

Chris: No.

Noah: Look at this retard!

[all laugh]

Adam: I hate everyone except for you.

Phoebe: My last boyfriend was an alcoholic and I promised myself I would never date an addict again.

Adam: I'm not an alcoholic.

Phoebe: I just ran a 10K.

Adam: Okay, my... my initial reaction is to say, "well, I just ran a marathon", but I can't tell if you're joking or if you're serious.

Phoebe: I'm as serious as cancer.

Adam: Oh no, our reservation!

Phoebe: Oh, it's fine. We still have like 28 minutes.

Adam: Dude, you really are Anthony Edwards.

Neil: Fuck that. I'm George Clooney.

Adam: This is the worst orgy ever.

Caroline: What's your dog's name?

Adam: I don't know. He never told me.

Adam: I wonder if you think about me.

Caroline: Of course I think about you!

Adam: I wasn't finished!

Caroline: Finish.

Adam: I wonder if you think about me half as much as I think about you.

Caroline: You love with your mind and soul, not actually with your heart. It's just a saying.

Adam: [Holding her hand to his chest] Why does it hurt so much here you're not with me?

Adam: Do you like music, Caroline?

Caroline: Mmm. That's the first time I heard you say my name. It sounded... nice.

Adam: Would you like to listen to my records Caroline?... Caroline.

Caroline: Adam your heart is diseased! You need a new one.

Adam: But this is my heart! I'm afraid that if they take it away I won't be able to love you the same.

Adam: You are my peace.

Caroline: You don't have to come as my boyfriend or anything. Though I'd like you to.

[Adam nods]

Caroline: Is that a yes?

Adam: Yes.

Caroline: Say yes again.

Adam: Yes.

Adam: I follow you home...

Caroline: You follow me home?

Adam: I wasn't finished.

Caroline: Finish.

Adam: I follow you home to make sure you're... safe.

Caroline: Well I never see you.

Adam: I stay pretty far behind. I'm sorry.

Caroline: Well, I mean, don't be sorry... I just...

Adam: I wasn't finished.

Caroline: Finish.

Adam: I am sorry I was late that night.

Caroline: I have fallen...

Adam: Are you hurt?

Caroline: I wasn't finished.

Adam: Finish.

Caroline: I have fallen so in love with you, so much more than I said I would.

Adam: I love hockey.

Caroline: You didn't even know what a power-play was.

Adam: I know. But next time you can tell me.

Caroline: Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight, I wish I may wish I might I might, Have this wish I wish tonight.

Adam: That's mars.

Caroline: What?

Adam: That's mars. You just wished on a planet.

Caroline: Figures.

Caroline: What did the doctor say?

Adam: That I'm not allowed to stick knives in my stomach.

Adam: Once people got use to staying away, they always stayed away. I never got close to anybody.

Caroline: When did you get here?

Adam: Ten.

Caroline: Ten? That was almost two hours ago. You'd rather be out here with my cat than inside with...

[realizing]

Caroline: than inside with a room full of strangers and relatives.

Adam: I am not very good with people.

Rosie: Young is far superior to old.

Adam: In what?

Rosie: In everything.

Adam: Oh yeah? Who's funnier: Tom Green, or George Carlin?

Rosie: Well, that's a freak example.

Marty: You're gonna want to cut those apron strings. Otherwise you're never going to be a real man!

Adam: I don't need to be a real man. I'm an actor!

Rosie: Putz: noun - a yokel; a jerk.

Censor: My rabbi consultant said it means penis.

Rosie: We're allowed to say penis!

Censor: Yes, you can say penis, but this is the bad penis. Like 'prick'.

Rosie: And... what exactly is the *good* penis?

Adam: [starts to take off his belt and unbutton his pants] Check it out.

[snickers from ensemble of 'You Go Girl' actors]

Rosie: Remember when we had that talk about you being 29? I keep thinking about how... *young* that is.

Adam: Well, I'm planning on getting older.

Rosie: [laughs] Yeah, well I'm not planning on getting younger.

Adam: That's just being stubborn.

Adam: Honey, I'm home! Alone... Starring Macauley Culkin... As a boy who is inadvertently left by himself... At his house... When his parents go on a long vacation.

Adam: Art without love is nothing. Nietzsche said that.

[writer in commentary said she misremembered quote - it is by Nabokov]

[Jimmy trying to leave]

Adam: Hey, hey. Hey, who's your true bro? Huh? Who told you about skanks? It was me, right?

Adam: [disguised as a woman] Look at me! I'm ugly! I would never fuck me!

Adam: We've been framed.

Jimmy: Spence told me you'd say that.

Adam: Spence is a lying prick with his ass hairs caught in a twist!

Jimmy: He told me you'd say that too!

Spence: You two "Fraternity Brothers" think that because you're next in line, you run the house. WRONG! I am the President!

Adam: Hey Dave?

Dave: What's that Adam?

Adam: I think our President needs to get laid!

Spence: Fuck you!

Adam: I look like shit!

Dave: No you don't.

Adam: Yes I do... I look like shit!

Dave: No... you don't!

Adam: That's easy for you to say, you're actually pretty!

Dave: Oh thanks, you know I just put this together...

[Adam gives him a strange look]

Adam: Please be a size 8, please be a size 8... oh Yes!

[looking for a dress on clothes rack]

Adam: Hmm... I'm sure this would look good... on an anorexic!

Doofer: [while contemplating how to get back the money stolen from the house safe] Though I hardly think this is the appropriate time to ask, but what about the tape?

Adam: [sighs] What tape?

Doofer: The tape of Adam humpin' the Tri Pis, man.

[Adam looks up in surprise]

Dave: [turns around] Doofer, what are you saying?

Doofer: [cuts to a flashback, Doofer narrates. Doofer stumbles into his room, drunk] I had just gotten done studying for some school when I notice that Adam's speaker was tipped over

[trips over Adam's speaker in his drunken haze]

Doofer: Inside of it was a video camera rigged with a motion detector. I carefully traced back the source to a footlocker at the bottom of Adam's closet, which was... you know, already unlocked

[Doofer tries to pick and hammer the lock open, but finally succeeds in blowing it off with a revolver]

Doofer: . Inside the footlocker was a video cassette recorder. But naturally, since it was his private property, I didn't touch anything

[Doofer hits play on the VCR, which starts up a home video of Adam having sex with a Tri Pi]

Doofer: . You could see the safe right next to his bed!

Adam: [enraged] You were watching my tape?

Doofer: [under his breath] ... Noooooooo

[cuts to Doofer eating popcorn and "cleaning up" with tissue]

Adam: [to Robert, who is eating a grapefruit] Hey! You're eating my bosom!

Adam: Oh, hi Uncle Ed.

Uncle Ed: What's this?

Adam: I was just givin' you a hand in here.

Uncle Ed: Last time you tried to give me a hand, you almost chopped your thumb off!

Plug: [on needing a place to cook] Adam's uncle owns the Brown Toad!

Adam: My uncle hates me!

Techno Mouth: [describing the witch to Billy] She's this old lady that sells worms to people.

Adam: Yeah, I heard that the worms are as big as people's arms.

Techno Mouth: Don't tell him that!

Adam: I meant as long as a cat's arm.

Adam: I don't know ti**ies. I'm gay!

Chris: Adam! You wanna get gay?

Adam: What?

Chris: [raises the bottle] You want a shot?

Adam: [talking to himself in the lavatory] What's wrong with you, come on. Don't be a pussy. You can do this.

Freddie: Dude, don't yell at the little guy. Just take a breath. Relax your toes. It'll come.

Adam: That's all I hear any more! "What's happening to you? What's going on with you?"

Adam: It's not funny.

Phillip: Yes, it is. I mean, it's not that funny that wives get beat up, but the fact that you look like one, that I find hilarious!

Adam: You're sick.

Phillip: Somewhat, yeah. But I'm nice-looking... which makes up for a lot.

Adam: When Picasso took a shit, he didn't call it art. He knew the difference. That's what made him Picasso.

Adam: If you feel it, it's not stupid.

Adam: Next you're going to tell me that the handkerchief with the strawberries on it is missing!

Evelyn: I don't know that reference.

Adam: I still don't know where my underpants are.

Nelson: Why? What happened to 'em?

Adam: I think they ate 'em.

Adam: Why does OT have a knife in his mouth? Does he really expect trouble?

Stu: Nah, he always wanted to swim with one. He saw it once on television.

Adam: Nelson, those are ''Playboy'' tits. I haven't seen ''Playboy'' tits anywhere except ''Playboy''.

Nelson: I keep wondering what Stu said to those girls.

Adam: Oh, probably something like, ah, "Nice night, isn't it? Be nicer if you spent it with us."

Nelson: Yeah, he probably made it sound good, too.

Adam: Sure, Stu's what you call professionally cool.

Carla: Hi, cutie!

Adam: What? Are you talking to me?

Diane: Yeah, don't you think you're sexy?

Adam: Oh my god! All the time!

Gabe: Dad, what's the deal with girls? I mean, why are they the way they are?

Adam: You're talking to the wrong man.

Gabe: Well, how come all love has to end?

Adam: Let me tell you something about me and your mom. Once upon a time, we really loved each other, but as time went by, there just got to be all these things, little things, stupid things, that were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. And after awhile, there was so much that was left unsaid, that we barely said anything at all.

Gabe: Well, why didn't you just say them then, dad?

Adam: I don't know, Gabe. I kind of wish I had.

Adam: I just cleared some old stuff out of the storage room.

Adam: Did you drink my Pepsi?

Leslie: It had my name on it.

Adam: It was my Pepsi.

Adam: Our little boy's growing up huh?

Leslie: Yeah he is.

Bratty kid: [looking through telescope at a girl getting undressed in window] If I'm lucky, I may get a view of Venus' two moons.

Adam: [pointing at the sky in the other direction] Hey, Einstein - isn't Venus over there?

Morello: You smile like a girl.

Adam: You're incredibly beautiful.

Adam: We need an industrial sized tool.

Fire Marshall: I think I found one.

Morello: Really?

Adam: Oh aha ha a comedian.

Adam: [singing] I don't want that, I want you instead!

Adam: [singing] Tonight you're mine, you're mine, you're mine!

Daniel: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, unless you need to...

Adam: No. I did already... in the hallway.

Adam: Who knew America's favorite dad is one damn good fuck?

Nick: Babe, you were amazing. You were made to do this in front of the cameras.

Adam: Thanks... I think.

Adam: Listen, You know when we make love for the first time. Well, I just wanted to let you know, I want to leave it all up to you, your call.

Lucy Owens: I don't get you Adam.

Adam: Everything, you know? When and where, the circumstances. I want it to happen... I want it to be exactly the way you'd like it to be. Is that ok?

Lucy Owens: [voice over, Lucy thinking to herself] How about now? right here in the car.

[Lucy catches her breath and replies to Adam]

Lucy Owens: I'll think about that.

[Lucy is talking into a microphone onstage at the restaurant]

Lucy Owens: My family's here tonight sitting at that table over there. Were celebrating my mum's birthday today. We all love you, Peggy Owens! And, there's a man down there in my crowd called Adam and he's my fella. And I know my mum's mad about him. So I thought the best present I could give my mum would be to say that him and I are going to get married.

[Crowd starts cheering loudly]

Lucy Owens: Oh, wait! No, no, no! No, no! Wait, wait, wait! You see, I haven't asked him yet. So, Adam, I'm asking you now. Will you marry me?

Adam: I'd love to!

[Adam, Lucy and Lucy's mother are all driving in Adam jaguar after taking a hike in a park]

Peggy Owens: I could get used to this car. Did you tell her the story, by the way?

Adam: No, I didn't.

Lucy Owens: What?

Peggy Owens: All the interesting things you find out when you're out on a mountain stroll.

Lucy Owens: Tell me what?

Peggy Owens: Can we tell her? A very simple lovely story. Even though he was very young when his mummy and daddy died, Adam always remembered, as a little fella, that when they went for walks they used to pass by this big fancy car sales place and his dad had a big thing about this particular car, a Jaguar.

Adam: "Just look at that Jag," he'd say. I thought it must be the most wonderful thing in the world.

Peggy Owens: His dad was always promising his mum that when they had a bit of money to splash out, that he'd buy her one. Do you know what this little beauty did? Years after, when he turned eighteen and got the bit of money that was left to him he used it all to buy this car to remember them by.

Lucy Owens: Adam, why didn't you tell me? Hmm?

Adam: I don't know.

Lucy Owens: Oh, my.

Alice Owens Rooney: Why do you do it, Adam?

Adam: Well, I don't know. I definitely don't do it because someone's fucked up my life and I want to get revenge. That would be no good, Alice. But maybe... Would you believe me if I told you that when I'm with people, listening to them, I notice that they always want something from me?

Alice Owens Rooney: Oh, I'd believe that alright.

Adam: And it doesn't annoy me, I really like it. I like to give people what they want, if I can. Whatever makes them happy it's a very easy thing for me to do.

[after getting hit in the face with a water-filled condom]

Adam: Aah! Spermicidally lubricated.

Adam: Hey, have you ever had a pussy wrapped completely around your head?

Wichitaesque Wes: Eh... no.

Adam: Then what are you... a butthole baby?... haha butthole baby.

Adam: When you throw a bunch of people together in the forest, they become something more than just a bunch of people together in the forest.

Talia: Personality traits blend into one another: sweet, bitter, moral, immoral, overconfident, overwhelmed.

Wendy: A strange environment is created, one in which anything that happens to anyone, happens to you. Welcome to camp Bleeding Dove.

Victoria: You're an alcoholic.

Adam: Alcoholics have class. I'm a fucking drunk.

Adam: They say women are the sensitive ones, but I've never seen it. They're as cold as party ice.

Victoria: I don't think that sucking on countless nipples makes one an authority on sensitivity.

Adam: Cunnilingus. I've been reading that word since I was 13 and I still can't seem to wrap my tounge around it. Wait... was that a pun, or just bad taste? Wait... that may have been another pun.

Adam: I met a man yesterday with a grown son. He told me, looking back, he should have raised the placenta instead.

Adam: I may be damaged goods, but I'm goods none the less!

Adam: Yeah, he is a shrink. I think he knows more about this stuff than us. He has a degree. We just have Oprah.

Rhonda: Oprah has made it impossible for me to have a close relationship with anyone besides Oprah.

Adam: You know for a shrink he's really unaware.

Rhonda: I'm tellin' you they're like preacher's kids!

Adam: Steve just broke up with me!

Rhonda: Oh my God!

Adam: There ain't no God!

Adam: Not bad for a dazzle dancer!

Adam: I am tired of fighting you and the whole world just so I could have something as radical and subversive as a fucking boyfriend!

Adam: [Exchanging money for poker chips] Give me four hundred

Greg Weinstein: What about the betting?

Seth Davis: What were you thinking?

Greg Weinstein: I don't know, five hundred max?

Seth Davis: We don't usually service that level of action but I hate to turn away a new customer the thing is we might not have enough cash to settle you at the end of the night.

Greg Weinstein: That's ok you can just pay me tomorrow

Seth Davis: How much you want?

Greg Weinstein: [Tosses a roll of cash on the table] Five dimes

Adam: You had to do it, make me look like I'm at the kiddie table

Greg Weinstein: [to Adam] "The shoe fits,"kid

Seth Davis: [to Greg] What denomination?

Greg Weinstein: [to Seth] How about three Puerto Ricans, two chinks and a Guinea? I don't care, mix it up, whatever you want.

Jessie: That's the whole show?

Adam: Yes, unless you want to tell the Pee Wee Grogan story again.

Mia Hall: How come you never written a song about me?

Adam: I'm not really good at writing about things that make me happy. If you wanna song you're gonna have to like, cheat on me.

Mia Hall: What do I have to do for a whole album?

Adam: Come on don't get greedy.

Mia Hall: Why do I get this feeling you're about to mess up my entire life?

Adam: A little mess never hurt anybody.

[kisses her]

Kat: Babe, are you sure it's a bee?

Adam: Oh, yeah. We gotta get this stinger out.

Mia Hall: No, we're not doing that!

Adam: Trust me, this is the only thing I learned in Boy Scouts.

[gently sucks on her hand]

Adam: Got it.

[family applause]

Kat: Wow.

Willow: Way hotter than tweezers.

Henry: Stand down, woman, you're already knocked up.

Adam: You know, you should get stung more often. I'm sorry to sat that's the furthest we've gotten since our first date.

Adam: Your parents seem pretty cool.

Mia Hall: So they tell me.

Adam: Mia?

[last lines]

Adam: Hi. I'm Adam.

Christine: Adam... When you wake up in the morning, Pooh, what's the first thing you say to yourself?

Adam: I say, "What's for breakfast?" What do you say, Piglet?

Christine: I say... I say... "I wonder what's going to happen exciting today."

Adam: [sitting on her hospital bed] You remembered.

Christine: Oh, Adam. Adam. I remember. I remember. I remember... Adam. My Adam.

Adam: Do you always answer a question with a question?

Tessa Scott: Does that annoy you?

Tessa Scott: Is this really happening?

Adam: Yeah.

Tessa Scott: I don't know what's real.

Adam: I am.

Adam: Did that girl hurt you?

Tessa Scott: Other way round. I caught her fist a good one with my chin, then whacked her right in the knee with my nose.

Adam: What do you want from me, Tess?

Tessa Scott: Night time, sleeping together, waking up together, breakfast.

Adam: What do you really want?

Tessa Scott: I want you to be with me in the dark, to hold me, to keep loving me, to help me when I get scared, to go right to the edge and see what's there.

Adam: And what if I get it wrong?

Tessa Scott: It's impossible to get wrong.

Tessa Scott: What's the worst that can happen?

Adam: It'll hurt.

Tessa Scott: It already hurts.

Adam: Gravity, they say you can't fight it. Well, I disagree. What if love was stronger than gravity.

[first lines]

Adam: The universe, so full of wonders. I could spend hours and hours looking up at the sky. So many stars, so many mysteries. And there's one very special star that makes me think of one very special person. Now let me tell you my story.

Adam: Up-top, they always win, And down-below, we always fail.

Adam: I was naive to think that I can change the world. You know up there, they always win. And down here, well we always lose. So I guess I just go back to my life, to my world. And I'll try here, Down Below, to do my best. But I will never, ever forget her.

Adam: [During intro voiceover] I come from the only known solar system with two twin planets, each with its own equal and opposite gravity. Now in our world, it's possible to fall up and to rise down.

Adam: Look, if I could use Transworld and... and Aunt Becky's pink powder just to... I don't know, just give my life some kind of hope... then I'm gonna do it.

May: You don't think I'm weird?

Adam: I do think you're weird.

May: I knew that.

Adam: I like weird. I like weird a lot.

Adam: Whatcha readin' about?

May: Amputation.

Adam: Is that for work?

May: Nope. It's just for fun.

[after watching Adam's cannibalism movie]

Adam: So, what'd you think?

May: It was sweet... I don't think she could've got his finger off in one bite, though. That part seemed a little farfetched.

[Adam and May make out in May's bed when she suddenly bites his lip]

Adam: Ow, God damn it!

[May focuses on her incased doll Susie behind Adam, which then gets Adam to notice the doll]

Adam: What the fuck is that?

Adam: [Adam then realizes his lip is cut open] Oh fuck I'm bleeding!

May: [May seductively whispers in a low voice] I know!

Adam: [May then wipes the blood on Adam's hand onto her lips and in her mouth] May what are you doing? Please, okay, I need a towel.

[May continues to wipe the blood from his hand down her neck and over her chest]

Adam: [Adam slowly stands up from the bed] I uh, I think... I think I'm gonna go.

May: [May's lower face covered with Adam's blood] What?

Adam: I'll uh... I'll see you around May

May: But it's just like your movie.

Adam: May... this is weird!

May: [May smiles touching Adam's hand] You like weird.

Adam: [Adam holds his hands away before leaving] Not that weird.

May: Race cars.

Adam: What's that?

[as May indicates his laundry basket, Adam notices a pair of his underwear - childish briefs printed with cartoon race cars - lying on top of the pile]

Adam: Oh, yeah!

[Embarrassed, he tries to hide his underpants]

Adam: My, uh, girlfriend bought me these.

[Adam asks May to have a smoke with him outside the Laundromat, reaching his hand into his shirt pocket to pull out the cigarette pack]

Adam: Do you want to have a smoke with me?

[May smiles wide eyed at Adam]

Adam: [Adam lights May's cigarette] You got to puff.

[May nervously tries to smoke a cigarette for the first time]

Adam: [pause]

Adam: [Adam checks out May's handmade outfit] So, do you make your own clothes?

May: Yes.

Adam: That's cool.

May: Thank you Adam.

Adam: You're welcome May.

May: I love your hands, I think that they are beautiful.

Adam: [Adam looks at his own hand, nodding] I used to be a hand model.

May: I can see you doing that.

Adam: I'm kidding May.

[May blushes and giggles when she finally gets the joke, punching Adam in the shoulder]

Adam: Whoa!

[Adam remembers he has something to do while on the park bench with May]

Adam: Oh dang! I got to go. I uh... I'll miss this Dario Argento appointment in Beverly in fifteen minutes. I forgot I took the afternoon off. Oh, they're showing Trauma.

May: Is that a movie?

Adam: You've never seen Trauma?

May: [May whispers and reaches to hold onto Adam's hands] Don't go!

Adam: What?

May: [May takes a step back and light breath] Mmm... nothing. I, I should probably get back to work anyway. Thank you for the umm... sandwich, and cigarette...

Adam: Look I got to see this movie but, maybe I can see you again sometime.

May: How bout tonight?

Adam: Uh, you know I got this thing tonight... maybe after...

May: [May cuts Adam off blushing] Great!

Adam: [Adam smiles] Alright, well, I look forward to it May.

[They're hands shake but don't let go]

Adam: [Adam whispers] Do you want to take it with you?

May: [May blushes taking a silent breath] Mmm.

[Adam shows May his bedroom and wide collection of creepy photographs and small items]

Adam: Does this stuff freak you out?

May: Nothing freaks me out.

Adam: That's right it wouldn't would it?

[May finds a knife on the bedroom counter]

Adam: [Adam looks at May in a serious manner] You're onto me!

[whispering]

Adam: I'm a psycho.

Adam: [Adam doesn't hesitate to stab May in the stomach with the knife] Got you!

Adam: [Adam uses his hand to show that the blade is retractable, May has the biggest smile on her face the entire time] That's pretty cool huh?

[May then quietly holds his hand, calmly stabbing herself in the chest with the blade using his hand, and then his chest with her hand, which brings them to kiss]

[Adam rushes to head out the front door to his house when he finds May outside of it]

Adam: Whoa! Jesus Christ, May you scared the hell out of me! What are you doing out here?

May: Standing.

Adam: How long have you been standing out here?

May: Since about... two.

Adam: [Adam looks down at his watch] You haven't really been standing out here for two hours have you?

May: [May quietly asks] What do you think?

Adam: Look I got your message, I'm sorry I haven't called you back. I've been really busy with making this movie.

May: You made a movie?

Adam: In college before I dropped out, I just finished putting it together.

May: Can I see it?

[Adam smiles]

May: I'll make you macaroni and cheese.

Adam: Dinner and a movie huh? It sounds like a date.

[May and Adam have a dinner of macaroni and cheese]

Adam: I dig your place, it's really uh... neat.

[May has a smile on her face when eating macaroni and cheese across from Adam]

Adam: [Adam slowly takes a drink of the glass] Is that Gatorade?

[May smiles nodding with a yes]

Adam: [Adam laughs] Cool.

May: [pause] You would never believe what I had to do at work today.

[Adam freezes his next bite of food at his mouth, remembering the story May told earlier about the Black Lab Seymore]

Adam: The love we've shared has to be free in order to breathe. Just like music. If you cling to it, it'll die and wither like a rose in your hand.

Katarina: I know we can't be together. I just want my job back.

Adam: Christ!

Katarina: "Courage is life's only measure"

Adam: Yes, but if you can't handle reality, don't dabble in philosophy.

Adam: My motto is to be as true in life as possible.

Katarina: How do you do that?

Adam: You do it. You look after everything that's true. Everything that's true is beautiful.

Adam: [viewing at a painting] Real pain is the starting point of all human development. So, yes, it is convenient for those in power to stuff a lot of pills into the citizens, so that they're happy in front of the telly eating crisps.

Katarina: They're sitting there satisfied with their crap lives, instead of changing anything.

Adam: This is now bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh.

God: Adam, where art thou?

Adam: I was afraid because I was naked.

God: Who told thee that thou wast naked?

Caroline: Adam, do you like life?

Adam: [chuckles] Well, I wouldn't like to live forever. But um, for a little while, yes, but... yes, I like it.

Caroline: But living here? You wouldn't rather be somewhere else, New York, London?

Adam: No.

Caroline: Why not?

Adam: Because you have to care about - or at least pretend to care about everything: politics, fashion, culture. It's just exhausting.

Caroline: What I wouldn't give to see some new painters, a new play, go to the opera... Yes, I know. "To Moscow, Olga."

Adam: Yeah.

Shell: Adam works at the sawmill.

Pete: Aye, you said.

Pete: Yeah, there was a break-in on Friday night.

Shell: Oh. What did they steal?

Adam: Five chain saws, brand new.

Pete: They know who did it?

Adam: They think I did it. They never said but they phoned the house on Saturday morning and told me not to come back in. They've never had anything go missing before so it's...

Shell: That's a shame.

Adam: Yeah, I know I can get my job back at the pub if I want, but I'm thinking about starting up something for myself. A bit like your setup here Pete, I mean, are you needing any help or...?

Pete: I'm not needing any help at the moment, no.

Adam: But what about through the winter? I mean, there must be a few more... breakdowns.

Pete: [pause] I've nothing for you.

Adam: Ok.

Shell: [pause] Adam's mum's not been very well. How is she?

Adam: Yeah, she's much the same.

Pete: What's wrong with her?

Adam: She's our best customer.

Shell: [pause] It's his mum's pub that he works at.

Adam: [pause] She says I'm the only man who's ever loved her.

Adam: Do you think we'll find anything?

Thora: I don't know. I can't tell.

Adam: A few days ago everything in my life was fine. Now i have friends.

[last lines]

John: [voice over] Most people are so ungrateful to be alive, but not you, not any more...

[begins to close door]

John: GAME OVER!

Adam: Don't! Don't!

[screams, screen goes black]

Adam: NO!

[screams of anguish fade out]

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: What's your name?

Adam: My name is Very Fucking Confused; what's your name?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: What's the last thing you remember?

Adam: Nothing! I went to bed in my shithole apartment, and I woke up in an actual shithole.

Adam: My last girlfriend was a feminist, vegan punk who broke up with me because she thought I was too angry.

Adam: I'm having a blast! This is the most fun I've had without lubricant!

John: [on audio tape] Rise and shine, Adam. You're probably wondering where you are. I'll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room that you die in. Up until now, you've simply sat in the shadows watching others live out their lives. But what do voyeurs see when they look into the mirror? Now I see you as a strange mix of someone angry, yet apathetic. But mostly just pathetic. So are you going to watch yourself die here today, Adam, or do something about it?

Adam: I don't get it.

Adam: I don't give a crap if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15 hooker gang bang!

Adam: Face it Larry, we're both bullshiters. My camera, it doesn't know how to lie. It only shows you what's put right in front of it

[first lines]

Adam: Help! Someone help me! Is someone there? Hey! Oh shit, I'm probably dead.

Adam: [as Lawrence is sawing off his foot] No! Oh, my God! What are you doing? Lawrence, what are you doing? What are you... Oh, my God! Lawrence, don't! No! Lawrence, please! I'm begging you! Lawrence, it's not me who did this to you.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: You have to die

Adam: No, I want to live!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: I'm sorry...

Adam: I want to live!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: My family...

[shoots Adam]

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: I've done it, now show them to me!

Adam: Do you see any scars?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: What?

Adam: Huh? This is what they do man! They kidnap and drug you, before you know it you're lying in a bathtub and your kidneys are on eBay!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: No one has taken your kidneys.

Adam: Can you tell from way over there?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Because you'd need to be in terrible agony or you'd be dead by now, trust me.

Adam: What are you? A surgeon?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Yeah.

Adam: You want to know what I do? I'm paid to follow rich guys like you who go to seedy, out-of-the-way motels to fuck their secretaries.

Adam: Look... we're out of time!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: That clock. It's brand new.

Adam: So?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: So someone obviously wanted us to know the time.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Did you find anything?

Adam: No solids.

Adam: Are they ok?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: My wife... , she, uh she mentioned your name.

Adam: What did she say?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: She told me not to believe you.

Adam: Believe me about what?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: She told me you knew me. Who are you?

Adam: You know who I am.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Stop the lies! You're a liar! I need to know the truth!

Adam: I'm a liar? What did you do last night, Lawrence? Work at the hospital? Saving sick children? You told me last night, that after you left your house last night, you went to work at the hospital.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: That's because it's the truth.

Adam: No, it's not. Your wife was right, Larry. You don't recall getting your picture taken in that parking lot?

[cuts to the garage scene with Lawrence going to his car]

Adam: I can prove you didn't go anywhere near a hospital last night. he shows Larry the pictures from the tub. It's not the first time I've done it either, Larry. I've been taking pictures of you for a few days now.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: But... why?

Adam: You wanna know what I do? I get paid to take pictures of rich guys like you who go to seedy, out-of-the-way motels to fuck their secretaries

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Who was it?

Adam: Who was who?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: The person who paid you to photograph me who was it?

Adam: He calls himself "Bob" and he gives me the money upfront. 200 bucks a night. If I had known I was gonna end up in here I would've asked for a hell of a lot more.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: What does that mean? Does that mean you saw what happened to me?

Adam: What I saw was you get into your car, that's it. I didn't ask your name, I didn't know who you were, I don't know how I got here, I don't know how you got here. I just took the shots and went straight home to develop them. Next thing I know I'm chained to a pipe in some prehistoric bathroom, staring at the guy I've been taking shots of all day.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Clearly whoever paid you to take pictures of me... is the one who put us here!

Adam: Maybe.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: What do you mean "Maybe"? Of course it is. What did this guy look like?

Adam: Well he's just a guy.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Was he tall,dark,skinny,obese?

Adam: I don't take notes on his appearance!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Clearly you must remember something about him.

Adam: I can't!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: You mean you're telling me you can't remember a thing about the guy!

Adam: I told you I...

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Oh for fuck's sake! I give up!

Adam: He's a tall black guy, he's got a scar around his neck! Okay?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Tapp, Detective Tapp.

Adam: Whoa, guy who paid me to take these photos was not a cop.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: No no no, he was discharged from the police force, broked down after his partner got killed. That didn't stop him from harassing me... he convinced himself that I must have somehow been involved with the murders and he's crazy... and you helped him. You took money from him to invade my privacy... how could you do that?

Adam: I call it my need to eat.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Right, ya know what Adam? You are not a victim of this game, YOU'RE A PART OF IT.

Kyle: Come on, Andy. We're late.

Joanne: Andy! Don't forget your lunch, egg salad.

Kyle: Ooh, yum. Now whatever you do don't act nervous okay. They'll smell a new kid a mile off. Just act where you belong. What are you looking for?

Andy Barclay: Nothing.

Kyle: Is it CHUCKY coming to get you? Andy, how did you manage to tie yourself up like that last night?

Andy Barclay: I already told you.

Kyle: Get real.

Andy Barclay: Your just like everyone else. You don't believe me either.

Kyle: Hey, Adam.

Adam: Kyle, why'd you leave so early last night? You missed all the fun.

Kyle: Story of my life.

Adam: This little piggy needs a smoke.

[Lights cigarette]

Adam: This little piggy got his bone smoked.

Benjamin: Question: Would you sleep with a minor? Answer: yes. Let's begin our slide into the moral abyss.

Katie: Oh! Naughty naughty.

Adam: Aw, shit, I, for one, had sex before I was fourteen. I don't see what the big deal is.

Benjamin: Really. I didn't think that they had altar boys in the, uh, the Jewish faith.

Elizabeth: [hurriedly trying to deflect any animosity] Okay, Piper, your turn.

Piper: Question: Would you sleep with a person of the same sex? Answer: yes.

Christian Turner: What a great game to play with our best friends.

Adam: Yeah, fuck Taboo. Let's have an orgy, huh?

Elizabeth: Or enroll in group therapy.

Benjamin: Well, maybe you need new friends.

Piper: Well, actually? We all seem pretty well suited for each other, so far.

Elizabeth: [looks at Adam] Your turn.

Adam: All right, the question is: Would you have a threesome? The answer is yes.

Christian Turner: Two girls and one guy, right?

Piper: Does it matter?

Katie: Well, Mr. Right Wing Conservative over there looks like he might think two girls might be fun. Huh?

[Piper, his current girlfriend, looks at him worriedly]

Elizabeth: Okay, my turn. Question: Would you have sex for money? Answer: yes.

[She looks at Katie]

Katie: I like sex, okay? That does not make me a hooker. At least it doesn't make me a bitch.

Benjamin: That's my baby.

Katie: Question. Mmm. Would you sleep with your partner's best friend? Answer? A very disappointing no.

Christian Turner: Wow. There's one good person amongst us sinners.

Katie: Christian. Pardon me, but don't you have to be a lot fatter and less educated to be part of the Christian coalition?

Christian Turner: So says the prep school anarchist.

Katie: Ah. No, no no. See, I am just a shallow, materialistic party girl, and at least I don't pretend to believe in principles.

Christian Turner: [answering Katie] Well, I believe in principles.

Elizabeth: Surely, this doesn't have any...

Benjamin: Christian, stop pouting and, uh, read the last question!

Adam: I think he's scared to read the question.

[Christian shakes his head, disturbed by what he's reading]

Adam: Just read the card!

Christian Turner: This - Okay.

[shakes his head]

Christian Turner: Would you sleep with a relative? Answer: yes.

[There are various murmurs of discomposure]

Adam: That's fucking disgusting.

[It's New Year's Eve, a year after the team played the Taboo game, and they're all slightly drunk and antagonistic]

Benjamin: Ladies, please. I mean, we haven't seen each other since graduation. Could you guys try and be nice, maybe? You know, stop the whiny, insecure, competitive bullshit? Please?

Adam: Yeah, I'm the Jew, it's my job!

[They raise their champagne glasses in a toast, as the New Year approaches]

Christian Turner: Here, a toast. To the four people in the world that I most love to hate. And

[nodding to Elizabeth]

Christian Turner: to the one that I hate to love.

Elizabeth: [She grins] To relationships that last as long as we live.

[She smiles saucily at Christian]

Elizabeth: As short as that may be.

Piper: To the twelve seconds.

Benjamin: [mocking her drunkenness] "Twelve theconds." I'd like to make a toast to bread. Because without bread, there would be no toast.

Katie: [to Elizabeth, spitefully] Uh, a toast for the cure to cancer! And, uh, ending world hunger, and everything else I'll never be involved in!

Piper: [drunk but happy] To special people! And special times.

Adam: Special Olympics!

Elizabeth: Well, what do you want to talk about, then?

Katie: Dirt.

Benjamin: Gossip.

Adam: I like rumors. Does anyone have any?

Adam: There are changes happening, not all of them good.

Jodi: My sister's acting very weird tonight.

Adam: Yeah.

Jodi: She's looking for my car keys. I wanted to say goodbye to everybody first.

Adam: They're all gone

[meaning they've been killed]

Adam: .

Jodi: Oh. Was my party a failure?

Adam: [laughs] I wouldn't say that.

Robert: You're in this now whether you like it or not.

Adam: You're the one who talked me into it.

Robert: But it didn't take much talking, did it?

Adam: You never learned that success only breeds new goals.

Parson: Hello, Adam and Eve. What are you doin' 'round here?

Adam: Well, we just come down to see if you had time to marry us?

Eve: That's right.

Parson: To marry you? Are these eleven children yours?

Adam: That's right! And we thought it was about time for us to make it more permament.

Eve: That's right.

[laughs]

Parson: Seems like you made it mighty late to get 'round here to be married. The damage is all done!

Adam: I think you just made this a little too personal.

Owen: You made it too personal when you insulted the scientific value of snail meat.

Adam: People who are tragically ambitious and smart go to New York and people who are just tragically smart come here.

Rebecca: Oh. Well what about people who are just tragically ambitious?

Adam: They go to LA.

Fitz: What're you lookin' at me for?

Adam: I'm not lookin' at you. I got a lazy eye.

Adam: Let's just have a clean game, yeah? No name-callin', no head-buttin', no pullin' knives on people and threatenin' to shank them as they're about to take free kicks.

Fitz: What chu lookin' at me for?

Adam: I'm not lookin' at you!