Abernathy Quotes in Grindhouse (2007)

Abernathy: I was wondering if my friends and I could take the car out on our own just to see if we feel comfortable in it.

Jasper: Why would I do something stupid like that?

Abernathy: To better sell your automobile.

Jasper: How do I know you're not just gonna steal it?

Abernathy: Four reasons. One: we are not thieves. Two: that would be rude. Three: we are staying at the Day's Inn in town, you can check with them, we are registered for the next month. Well, Zoe's not, but Kim and I are so we are totally track-downable.

Jasper: Who's Kim? The colored girl?

Abernathy: Yes, Kim would be the girl of color. And four, and most importantly, that will give you a chance to get to know our other friend, Lee.

[points out Lee]

Jasper: She looks kinda familiar

Abernathy: That is because she is a famous movie star. We are making a Hollywood movie here in town

Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?

Abernathy: Because it's a cheerleader movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.

Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?

Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.

Jasper: Is it a porno?

Abernathy: [looks at Jasper] *Yes*! But don't mention it. She's shy.

[Kim and Zoe are convincing Abernathy to convince Jasper to take his 1970 Dodge Challenger for a test drive]

Zoe: What are you going to do? Blow him?

Abernathy: [repulsed] No!

Abernathy: [pause] I'm going to insinuate that Lee is.

Lee: You carry a gun?

Kim: Uh-Huh.

Lee: Do you have a license to carry it?

Kim: Yeah, when I became a secret service agent, they gave me a license.

Lee: Oh, I didn't know you were... Ok. I didn't say it. Stop looking at me. I didn't say it. God! Did you know Kim carried a gun?

Abernathy: Yes. Yeah. Do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes.

Kim: I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but in the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.

Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.

Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped!

Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.

Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I want to do my laundry.

Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other then a gun. Pepper spray.

Kim: Uh, muthafucka tryin to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash. I wanna shot that nigga down!

Abernathy: How about a knife at least.

Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to muthafuckas who carry knives. They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun. I'll hire me a dude dirt nigga and he'll carry the gun, and when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's wild west muthafucka!

Kim: Oh you know I can't let you go...

Abernathy: Kim?

Kim: Not without tappin' that ass...

Zoe Bell: Umm Kim?

Kim: One... More... TIME!

[last lines]

Stuntman Mike: Be careful, my right arm's broken!

Kim: What, *this*?

[cracking]

Stuntman Mike: Oww!

Abernathy: Such a fuckin' cry-baby!

[punches Mike, the other girls take turns]

Zoe: Oh, you want some of this?

Abernathy: Fuck yeah!

Kim: Come here!

Abernathy: Ha ha ha!

[series of punches]

Abernathy: Motherfucker!

Kim: Motherfucker!

Abernathy: Asshole!

[Zöe delivers a spinning kick to Mike's face, and the girls throw their hands up in victory]

Abernathy: Hello sir! What's your name?

Jasper: Jasper.

Abernathy: Hello Jasper, I'm Abernathy.

Jasper: Aber- what?

Abernathy: Abernathy.

Jasper: But what's your first name?

Abernathy: That is my first name.

Jasper: What kind of first name is that?

Abernathy: You know what, why don't you just call me Abby.

Jasper: Okay.

Abernathy: Zoe, the motherfucking cat!

Abernathy: Why not just carry a knife instead of a gun?

Kim: You know what happens to mutha fuckers who carry knives? They get shot!

Abernathy: [during a high-speed car chase] Did you just hit a boat?

Abernathy: You best get yo' ass off Kim's car.

Lee: I've seen Kim sit on it before.

Abernathy: Her ass ain't yo' ass.

Abernathy: Hi there! What's your name? My name's Abernathy Darwin Dunlap but you can call me A.D.D. on the account of the fact that I have A.D.D., which is attention deficit disorder. You know - everyone used to think it was just an addiction to sugar when I was 6 and my mom used to cry because she thought I would never be like a fully functioning member of society like my neighbor who has Legionnaires' disease.

[snickers]

Abernathy: [raises hand straight up in air and jumps around] When I got accepted here, it was the first time my parents ever said they were proud of me!

[everyone claps, whistles and cheers]

Abernathy: [referring to bridge game] What'd she bid?

Casey Edwards: Grand slam.

Abernathy: [Looking at Freddie's hand] You bid a grand slam on that hand? You know what?

Freddie Phillips: What?

Abernathy: You're going to get murdered.

Abernathy: Things have been awfully dead around here.

Freddie Phillips: Much deader than you think.

Lee: Did you know Kim carried a gun?

Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes?

Kim: Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.

Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.

Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.

Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.

Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry.

Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.

Kim: Uh, motherfucker tryna rape me? I don't wanna give him skin rash! I wanna shut that nigga down!

Abernathy: How about a knife at least?

Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives? They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I wont carry a gun. I'll hire me a do-dirt nigga, and he'll carry the gun. And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West motherfucker!

Zoë: So where's the maniac?

Kim: I shot him and his punk ass ran off.

Zoë: You wanna go get him?

Kim: Oh hell yeah!

[to Abernathy]

Kim: Baby, I think you might want to get out...

Abernathy: Fuck that shit! Let's kill this bastard.

[last lines]

Abernathy: Asshole!

Kim: Oh, you know I can't let you go without tapping that ass... one...

Abernathy: Kim?

Kim: ...more...

Zoë: Uhmm, Kim?

Kim: ...TIME!

[both cars smash right through a dead-end guard rail and into a busy freeway]

Lee: [to Zoë] I'm sorry, but what is "home"? Is that Australia, right?

Zoë: [seemingly offended] What do you mean by that, mate?

Abernathy: Zoë's from New Zealand. And you never, I repeat, NEVER, call a Kiwi an Aussie.

Kim: Not unless you wanna get your ass kicked.

Lee: I'm so sorry, I really am.

Zoë: [Abby, Zoë and Kim laugh] We're just taking the piss out of you, mate!

Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?

Abernathy: Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town, and it's a cheerleading movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.

Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?

Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.

Jasper: Is it a porno movie?

Abernathy: Yes, it is, but don't mention it. She's shy.

Jasper: Who's Kim? The colored girl?

Abernathy: [pauses for a second] Yes. Kim would be the girl of color.

Abernathy: Listen to this, the Circle A clerk has this month's issue of Italian Vogue.

Lee: No way!

Abernathy: Way.

Lee: I can't belive a fucking Circle A clerk carries Italian Vogue.

Abernathy: It doesn't. It's his own personal copy. He'll let it go for 27 bucks.

Lee: [scoffs] 27 bucks?

Abernathy: What the fuck do you care? We're talking about fucking per diem here. We found an issue of Italian Vogue in Lebanon, Tennessee. We're lucky he's not asking for fuckin' Krugerrands. I'm getting it, and we're splitting it three ways.

Lee: What? Me, you, and Kim?

Abernathy: No. Kim doesn't give a shit about Italian Vogue. But Brandy will come in with us, and if she won't, Tyson, her assistant, will.

Lee: Okay, but if anyone tears out any sheets that I want, you gotta make color Xerox copies of those pages, and I'm not talkin' fuckin' Kinko's here either. You take it to the art department and have them do it fucking right.

Abernathy: You best get your ass off of Kim's car.

Lee: I've seen Kim sit on it.

Abernathy: Your ass ain't her ass.

Lee: [Zoe asks Kim if she still has her gun] You carry a gun?

Kim: Hell yeah.

Lee: Well... do you have a license to carry that?

Kim: [Zoe laughs quietly] Uh, yeah... they gave it to me after I became a Secret Service Agent...

Lee: Oh, I didn't know that -

[Zoe laughs some more]

Lee: [Lee turns to Abernathy] Did you know that she carried a gun?

Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. But, do I know? Yes.

Kim: Well, look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but where I live, a bitch need a gun! If I go down at midnight to do my laundry, I might get my ass raped!

Lee: [the girls laugh] Don't do your laundry at midnight, then.

Kim: Fuck that! I'll do my fucking laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry!

Zoë: So let's hear it ladies. Set romances, who's gettin' it off?

Kim: That would be Lee and Toolbox.

Zoë: Oh, Toolbox. Name sounds promising.

Abernathy: He's a grip.

Lee: What he is, is a pervert.

Zoë: Wow, he just keeps sounding better and better. What's his perversion?

Lee: He likes to watch me pee.

Kim: Lee is sittin' on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee, P-I-S-S-I-N-G. Haha! Yeah, but not anymore, now she's getting it on with the rock.

Zoë: You're having one off with The Rock?

Lee: Yeah, but not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce, and Kim started calling him The Rock because he looks like The Rock, so we all just started calling him the Rock.

Kim: Oh yeah, this is an all star crew, we got a guy that looks like Nick Cage, and a guy that looks like Pee Wee Herman too.

Zoë: Kim, dick department, let's hear it!

Kim: No dick this trip. I got a man.

Zoë: How long have you had this boyfriend for?

Kim: Three months.

Zoë: Who'd you steal him from?

Abernathy: Kim, he totally had a girlfriend.

Zoë: All of Kim's boyfriends start out as someone else's boyfriend.

Kim: I didn't steal him, I didn't steal any of them, they all just... jumped ship.

Abernathy: Zoe, Kim and I were in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.

Lee: What were you working on?

Kim: Three Kicks to the Head Part Three

Abernathy: And admittedly, we're a little fucked up.

Zoë: Cheers to that.

Abernathy: So Zoe, the genius wants to take a picture of me, now it's dark, and you can't see shit. So she's got her camera and keeps saying "Step back a little" so I do, "A little further!" so I step back a little further. "A little more!" so I do. Then I realized, I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch with god knows how many rocks and broken bottles and rats in it, and if I fell in that fucking thing, I would have probably broken my fucking neck. So I'm yelling at her, "Zoe, you almost killed me!" so we laugh about it, walk a little further, and Zoe starts fucking around, and bam, if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch.

Zoë: I remember taking a step, looking down, just as I'm thinking "Oh, there's that ditch everyone was talking about!" bam, I'm in the fucking ditch, you know?

Lee: So what happened?

Abernathy: What, with Zoe the cat? Nothing. If I fell in that fucking thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there. Zoe just lands on her fucking feet. But then later, I started feeling a little down about myself. I mean, Zoe falls in the ditch and it's nothing, we're laughing about it. If I fell in that fucking thing, I probably would have been fucking paralyzed.

Lee: Oh, well you can't think like that. You know, we all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoe's.

Kim: Well, physically speaking, Zoe is amazing. I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness, there's few human beings who could fuck with Zoe on that front.

Zoë: Aw, Kim, I like you too.

Kim: Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoe's prowess, you're missing the most important part of that story. You didn't fall in the ditch, Zoe did. Zoe even knew there was a ditch there because you told her and she still fell in it. So, Lee's right, we all have our talents.

Zoë: Hey, I resemble that remark.

Abernathy: [during a high-speed car chase, to Kim] Did you just hit a boat?

Abernathy: [as Stuntman Mike repeatedly rams into their car] ZOEY!

Kim: [Before they play Ship's Mast. Kim turns to Zoe; both are sitting in the front seat, and Abernathy sits in the back seat, unaware of what they are about to do] You thinking what I'm thinking?

Zoë: I think I'm thinking...

Abernathy: What are you thinking?

Zoë: I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up!

Abernathy: The answer to your question, is no, of course not.

Zoë: What do you mean "no of course not?"

Abernathy: The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years, is because girls will fuck him. And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends. Not to say I want to be his girlfriend, but if I did want to be his girlfriend, if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend, I'd be one of his regulars. And I'm getting too fucking old for that shit.

Zoë: Have you let him do anything?

Abernathy: Yes! I've let him give me a foot massage, and when we go to the movies, I let him hold my hand.

Kim: Bitch, you might be acting like you're twelve years old, but he is acting like a man. You need to break the nigga off a piece.

Zoë: Let me get this straight, you're not fucking him, you're not sucking him, you're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand in is?

Abernathy: Okay, can we just take my sex life off the table?

Zoë: Actually, it was Cecil's sex life that was on the table, and your lack of one.

Kim: HAHA.

Abernathy: Okay, fuck both of you and your little high five.

Kim: Before you can claim a nigga, you got to claim a nigga. And you can start by giving the mother fucker a hand job on the back of the van on Tuesday.

Abernathy: I'm not gonna do that.

Kim: I know you won't, but you know who will? The bitch that ends up living in that big ass mansion of his.

Lee: Now I gotta say, I haven't agreed with everything that Kim's said, but it is true, if you stretched it out what you have with Cecil, if you suddenly get dirty on him, it blows their minds...

Zoë: So what's your story, Abernathy?

Abernathy: I had a set crush on Cecil.

Kim: Set crush? Nigga please, you were his set wife.

Abernathy: Were and Had being the key words here.

Kim: Bitch, you two are still into each other, and you know it.

Abernathy: Oh yeah? If he's still into me, then why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand in? Yes, men are dogs, oh it's so funny, oh it's so funny!

Kim: Oh, stop acting all hurt, your ass is just mad.

Abernathy: Yeah, he's a stand in fucker.

Kim: Bitch, you need to get over that shit, that was two weeks ago.

Abernathy: Oh, well now when you put it like that. Oh I haven't told you the best part, he fucked her on my birthday.

Zoë: Oh, that's a horse of a different color.

Abernathy: Thank you.

Zoë: Did he know it was your birthday? I mean, he's the director, he's kinda busy.

Abernathy: He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present. Yeah, I think he knew.

Zoë: What'd he get you?

Abernathy: He made me a tape.

Lee: He made you a tape? Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape? Oh, it's so romantic.

Abernathy: I know what you're gonna say so don't even go there.

Kim: That sounds like the test of true love to me.

Abernathy: Look, I know you guys like him, he's likeable... but he fucked another woman on my birthday. How can you not be on my side?

Zoë: Well, I admit, that sounds bad.

Abernathy: It is bad!

Zoë: It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that. Were you two fucking?

Kim: Hell no!

Abernathy: Hello, is your name Abernathy?

Zoë: So, we're gonna see if this guy is gonna let us take the car out without him, if he does, you wait here with Lee, and we'll be back in a moment.

Abernathy: What?

Zoë: I said, we're going to see if this guy lets us take the car out without him...

Abernathy: I heard what you said. I just can't believe what you said. You know, you two got some fucking balls.

Zoë: What?

Abernathy: Don't play dumbass with me. I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover. I should be in my hotel room asleep, not fucking around on Tobacco Road, but because Zoe wanted to drive some fucking Vanishing Point car, I'm here. Now you two got the balls to ask me, no, scratch that, tell me I gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play? Bullshit on that!

Kim: It ain't like that.

Abernathy: Then what's it like, Kim?

Zoë: You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.

Abernathy: I really think one human being will be collateral enough.

Zoë: You're not gonna wanna do what we're doing.

Abernathy: What, drive a car?

Zoë: We're doing more than that.

Abernathy: What, drive it fast?

Zoë: We're doing more than that.

Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment because we're gonna do some stupid shit. But that's okay, we're stuntmen, we ain't got good sense, but you, you got good sense, and anybody that got good sense ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing.

Abernathy: How do you know I don't wanna do it?

Zoë: Because you're a mum.

Abernathy: You know we're supposed to be this big posse, but that's the excuse that you guys use whenever you want to exclude me from something. So, what is it that you two daredevils are doing that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand?

Zoë: Well, we're kind of conning this guy. So maybe it's best if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us. Besides, he's probably not gonna let us do it anyway.

Abernathy: Okay, how about this? I talk him into it. But if I talk him into it, I go along.

Kim: How you gonna do that?

Abernathy: That's my problem. But don't worry, he'll say yes.

Zoë: What're you gonna do, blow him?

Abernathy: No! I'm going to insinuate that Lee's going to blow him.