Rick Vaughn Quotes in Major League (1989)

Jake Taylor: That's my wife...

Willie Mays Hayes: Does she know that?

Jake Taylor: Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... who's that guy she's with?

Willie Mays Hayes: I don't know. He's not wearing a nametag.

Rick Vaughn: Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him?

Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don't fuck with me, Vaughn.

Rick Vaughn: Yeah?

[shouting]

Rick Vaughn: Fuck you.

Roger Dorn: What's the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can't you take a little joke?

Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole.

Lou Brown: All right,

[shouting]

Lou Brown: All right. Knock that shit off.

Roger Dorn: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his shit.

Lou Brown: Shut up, Dorn.

[Rick thinks he's been cut from the team]

Rick Vaughn: I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up you're fuckin' ass!

[Throws baseball against locker]

Lou Brown: Good, I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn't cut you.

Rick Vaughn: What?

Lou Brown: I think someone's been having some fun with you.

Umpire: [after hitting Coleman] You're out of here rookie.

Rick Vaughn: I'm out?

Umpire: Yes you are!

Rick Vaughn: Hey, c'mon. That's an accident!

Umpire: You threw at him intentionally!

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass!

Umpire: You're gone.

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit! Fuck you!

Umpire: Get outta here rookie.

Rick Vaughn: Oh! Why don't you blow me ump!

[Dressed in tuxedos, every team member, except Willie, stands behind Home Plate and looks at us]

Everybody: Hello. Do you know us?

[Everybody, except Rick, puts on their caps]

Everybody: We're a Major League Baseball team.

Jake Taylor: But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.

Eddie Harris: That's why we carry the American Express card.

Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.

Pedro Cerrano: [pointing to us] So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.

Roger Dorn: Look what it's done for US. People still DON'T recognize us but...

[Roger snaps his fingers]

Lou Brown: We're contenders now.

[Also dressed in a tuxedo, Willie slides into home plate and holds up a green credit card]

Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.

[the Indians are on a plane during a thunderstorm]

Willie Mays Hayes: Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags.

Rick Vaughn: There aren't any stewardesses.

Willie Mays Hayes: I wonder if they are any pilots.

Rick Vaughn: [Seeing Harris take off his shirt, revealing white suff on his chest] What's that shit on your chest?

Eddie Harris: [Looking at his chest] Crisco.

Eddie Harris: [wiping it across his head]

Eddie Harris: Bardol.

Eddie Harris: [wiping it along his waist line]

Eddie Harris: Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeo up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just...

Eddie Harris: [wipes his nose]

Eddie Harris: ...wipe my nose.

Rick Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?

Eddie Harris: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

[from trailer; cut from final film; line reincarnated in Major League II]

Jake Taylor: [Vaughn is lamenting the long home run he gave up] That ball wouldn't have been out of a lot of parks.

Rick Vaughn: Name one.

Jake Taylor: Yellowstone?

Willie Mays Hayes: What the hell league you been playing in?

Rick Vaughn: California Penal...

Willie Mays Hayes: Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?

Rick Vaughn: Stole a car.

Rick Vaughn: [converses with Taylor on the mound] Fucking Dorn! This game should be over by now. He could've had that ball, he tanked it on purpose!

Jake Taylor: Hey! This isn't the California Penal League, Vaughn, we're professionals here! We don't tank plays for personal reasons, so cut the cry baby shit! Now, you've pitched a hell of a game, you want to finish it, don't you?

Rick Vaughn: Yeah.

Jake Taylor: Good... think you can get a strike on this guy?

Rick Vaughn: Won't be much on it, my arm feels like Jello right now.

Jake Taylor: Just get it over the plate, I want him to swing.

Rick Vaughn: The last time I did that, the guy hit a ball that hasn't even landed yet!

Jake Taylor: [grins] Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Umpire: [Ejects Vaughn from the game after hitting Coleman] You threw at him intentionally!

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass!

Umpire: You're gone!

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit! Fuck you!

Umpire: Get outta here, rookie!

Rick Vaughn: Oh, why don't you blow me ump?

Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn accidentally hits Coleman of the Yankees] Uh, oh.

Lou Brown: Interesting.

Harry Doyle: [Seeing the Umpire throw out Vaughn] 'Bout time it's Eight nothing.

Umpire: You, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: What?

Umpire: You hear me, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: He was on top of the plate.

Heywood: Oh, c'mon that's horseshit.

Lou Brown: [to Pepper] I think you can get him out of there.

Rick Vaughn: The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident.

Umpire: You threw at him intentionally.

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass.

Umpire: Get out of here.

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit, fuck you!

Umpire: Get out of here, rookie.

Rick Vaughn: Hey, why don't you blow me, ump?

Suzanne Dorn: Mind if I join you?

Rick Vaughn: I don't think I'm very good company, right now.

Suzanne Dorn: Why not?

Rick Vaughn: The job I guess. I'm uh, a ball player.

Suzanne Dorn: That's not why I'm here. I don't chase ball players.

[Leans over to Vaughn]

Suzanne Dorn: I think you're the sexiest man I have ever layed my eyes on.

Rick Vaughn: [calling the bartender] Check?

Eddie Harris: [looking at Vaughn's new glasses] Hey, man, they look nice. I had a pair just like them.

Rick Vaughn: Well, after the game I'm gonna go pick out a pair that's more me.

Eddie Harris: Good luck.

Lou Brown: They look good. Besides, seeing is the most important thing, son.

Willie Mays Hayes: I don't think it's that important.

Rick Vaughn: [looking back into mirror] Fuck...

Indians Fan: Hey, Vaughn. Can I have your autograph?

[Hands Vaughn a match box with a pen]

Rick Vaughn: Sure.

[while signing the match box]

Rick Vaughn: My first autograph. I couldn't give these away a few weeks ago.

Indians Fan: I heard your news on the radio. You made their hall of shame.

Rick Vaughn: [Becomes mildly annoyed, but gives back the match box to the fan]

[Under his breath]

Rick Vaughn: Nice hair.

Jake Taylor: Yeah, well you're a celeberty now, Vaughn

Jake Taylor: You know, Rick, I may have to use you tomorrow in the late innings. Pitching staff's pretty overworked.

Rick Vaughn: Yeah. So? I'll be ready.

Jake Taylor: Ready, huh? Ready to what? Run and hide if the game's on the line?

Rick Vaughn: I don't get it, Jake. What's your problem?

Jake Taylor: You're the problem. You used to be the toughest guy on this team. Now you're trying to prop yourself up with the right woman or the right shrink or God knows what else. You want to be a major league pitcher? You have to find something in yourself that yours and nobody else's. You had that once, Rick. And if I were you, I spend the rest of the night trying to find it again. Without it, you're no good to me or the team.

[Jake leaves]

Rick Vaughn: What an asshole. What an amazing asshole. I thought he was my friend. Why is everybody so threatened by me improving myself?

[Looks in the mirror, sighs]

Rick Vaughn: What an asshole.

Johnny: [after Taylor signals to the bullpen] He wants the righty, he wants the Mild Thing, the grab your throat and choke thing.

Rick Vaughn: Shove it up your ass, lard mouth.

Johnny: Oh my god, Oh my god!

Jake Taylor: [after Rube get's hit by a pitch] Hayes, go run for Rube.

Willie Mays Hayes: My leg's hurtin'.

Roger Dorn: [stands up] I'll run.

Jake Taylor: [sits Dorn back down] Rube's hurting worse than you. Now get in there!

Willie Mays Hayes: [pointing to Vaughn] If the gutless wonder doesn't have to pitch than why should I have to run?

Rick Vaughn: [gets up] Who are you calling a gutless wonder, tin man?

Willie Mays Hayes: Tin man?

[gets up limping]

Willie Mays Hayes: I got a genuine leg injury here, pal.

Rick Vaughn: And that limp is the best acting you've done all year.

[turns around to leave]

Willie Mays Hayes: [turns Vaughn around] Well at least I don't have some cover girl dragging me around by my johnson.

[Vaughn tackles Hayes as he walks away, starting a brawl]

[Rick Vaughn is pitching to Jack Parkman during practice]

Jack Parkman: What do you call that garbage?

Rick Vaughn: It's my eliminator. I've got another pitch. You get a piece of it, I'll let you name it.

[Vaughn pitches and Parman hits the ball out of the park]

Jack Parkman: I'd, uh, call it the masturbator.

Valet: Mr. Vaughn, I thought you were starting tonight.

Rick Vaughn: I did.

Valet: Oh, sorry. I didn't tune in until the 2nd inning.

[Vaughn is lamenting the long home run he gave up in his first game]

Rick Vaughn: Oh, yeah? Name one park in America that ball wouldn't have gone out of.

Nikki Reese: Yellowstone.

Rick Vaughn: [Parkman visits Vaughn at the mound after Vaughn gives up three straight hits] What?

Jack Parkman: WHAT? They're hammering the slow crap. Think your arm can handle the strain of throwing this guy a fastball?

Rick Vaughn: Look, I'll throw it, you just make sure you catch it.

Jack Parkman: I will if it ever gets to me.

Rube Baker: Hey. Ya know Ricky, breaking up with a girlfriend can be a very painful thing. But it don't have to keep ya down for long. I mean, let me tell ya something from my own personal experience. I've never had a regular girlfriend like you, but I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought I would be hurting for the rest of my life. But you know what happened the very next week?

Rick Vaughn: What?

Rube Baker: My momma died. Hell, after that, I didn't care no more about my balls hurtin'. You see what I'm gettin' at?

Rick Vaughn: [Tosses baseball up in the air as he lays on the couch] You think you can help me with my fastball, Doc?

Psychiatrist: We'll have to deal with some deeper issues first.

Rick Vaughn: [Continues tossing ball] I don't have any deeper issues. I like to keep things right on the surface.

Psychiatrist: [Catches the ball] Well sometimes there are little surprises. Tell me, Rick. What goes through your mind when you throw your fastball?

Rick Vaughn: I wonder if it's gonna end up in the catcher's mit or some guy's den.

Psychiatrist: Did you used to think this way?

Rick Vaughn: I didn't used to think at all. It takes a lot out of you, you know?

Psychiatrist: Well then, Rick, let's get down to it.

[Closes pad and takes off glasses]

Psychiatrist: The real problem here goes back to when you stole that car. You wanted to be caught, didn't you? Punished. Otherwise you wouldn't have thrown the 0 and 2 fastball to Fields when everybody knows he'll chase the 2 strike curveball in the dirt.

Rick Vaughn: I had already thrown him two curveballs. The second one, he hit 436 feet foul.

Psychiatrist: Better than 520 feet fair.

Rick Vaughn: [about a pitch he threw and a hitter hit it for a home run] . I threw him a 87 MPH fastball, and he crushed it. Last year, I averaged 96, now when I reached back it's just not there. I can't believe that I forgotten how to throw heat.

Jake Taylor: [Seeing Vaughn coming back into the dugout] Hey, didn't I tell you to go to the bullpen.

Rick Vaughn: We're down by 10 runs, Jake.

Jake Taylor: Well you can still get some work in.

Rick Vaughn: I've had enough of that maniac out there.

Jake Taylor: [after seeing Rube Baker get hit with a pitch] Hayes, go run for Rube.

Willie Mays Hayes: My legs hurtin'.

Roger Dorn: [Stands up] I'll run.

[Jake sits him down]

Jake Taylor: Rube's hurting worse than you. Now get in there.

Willie Mays Hayes: The Gutless Wonder doesn't have to pitch. Why should I have to run?

Rick Vaughn: Who you calling a Gutless Wonder, Tin Man?

Willie Mays Hayes: Tin Man? I got genuine leg injury here, pal.

Rick Vaughn: That limp is the best acting you've done all year.

Willie Mays Hayes: [Grabs Vaughn by the arm] Well at least I don't have some Cover Girl dragging me around by my Johnson.

Jack Parkman: I've got your timing now. I bet you don't have enough hair on your ass to throw me another.

Rick Vaughn: Well, here it comes, Parkman. The ol' number 1, the Terminator. You get a piece, you can rename it.

Rebecca Flannery: [On the phone] Listen, Meg, I'm thinking of coming to LA. I don't know if Rick and I are good for each other right now. I mean, the team is showing signs of life, but his ERA is over 6 and he hasn't got a clue on how to get it back on track. It's depressing. Serious with Vaughn? He's a lot of fun, but I need someone with a little more class.

[Finds Rick waiting downstairs]

Rick Vaughn: My shrink was sick.

Rebecca Flannery: You were so wonderful out there, Rick. The General Cereals reps are here.

Suit #1: Great game, Rick. We'd like to offer you a 3 year...

Rick Vaughn: Sorry, fellas, but you got the wrong guy. I'm sure you make a great cereal, but I like my hair the way it is. I don't get up in time to eat breakfast anyway.

Rebecca Flannery: Rick, what are you saying?

Rick Vaughn: You're a great gal, Flannery. Much too good for me. Take a hike.

Johnny: He wants the Mild Thing, the grab your throat and choke thing

Rick Vaughn: Blow it out your ass, lardmouth

Johnny: [Shocked at seeing Vaughn in classic form] Oh my God, OH my God!